My eyes are half closed as I concentrate on turning the key in the lock. My whole body is ready to give up as I pull back the handle and swing the door open.
To find something that doesn"t make sense. There"s someone in the van- No, two someones.
I don"t- "f.u.c.k! Ruby!" It"s Lee.
"s.h.i.t!" Not Lee. Not Owen. Not a boy I know.
My brain hasn"t yet processed what I"m seeing, but my body has decided that we"re going to respond by running and I"m away from the van, darting between rows of cars, beyond the sight of my brother, who"s shouting my name. I collapse against someone"s car and press my face into my knees and try to think of something to block out what I"ve just seen.
My brain comes up with the faded photo that"s up in the lounge it"s of all of us, taken when we were kids: seven-year-old Ed and four-year-old Callum, toddler Lee, and baby me, sitting on the floor in front. I"m zooming in on us, me squidged up and giggling in Lee"s lap as he tickles me. It"s like we don"t even know someone"s taking a photo; we"re too busy hanging out. When I think about family and what it means to have one, I think about Lee"s expression in that picture.
That look is my definition of love.
"Ruby?"
Lee is someone I have always trusted. He is a flake and a s.h.i.t-stirrer. An infuriating p.i.s.s-taker who can wind me up like no one else not even Callum. But he is Lee. He"s the person I wanted to be when I grew up.
I feel like I"m the one he"s cheated.
"Ruby? Where are you?"
Lee"s close by and I clench my teeth to stop myself from letting out the slightest sound as my shoulders shake.
"Please..."
He steps into view beyond my hiding place, his skinny white torso almost luminous in the moonlight. His shorts are still undone.
"Ruby." His voice is quiet enough that I wouldn"t have heard him if I weren"t so close. "Please..."
For a second I think I might call out, but then the other boy steps into view. I don"t know him. I don"t want to. I wish I could unknow his very existence. He puts a hand on Lee"s shoulder and murmurs something.
"What?" Lee brushes him off. "Get a f.u.c.king clue. She"s my sister, not my girlfriend."
The boy takes a step back and I catch sight of his features in the moonlight. He looks like all the boys Lee fancied before he met Owen. Wide-eyed and boyish. Slim. Lee doesn"t even try to stop him as he walks away, just turns in the opposite direction.
I don"t know how long I wait before I stand up and start walking. Long enough for my tears to have dried on my skin. Time"s moved on and the campsite"s heaving because the arena"s tipped out and I walk, careless of where I"m actually going, until I wind to a halt near a hedge and step out of the lights marking the path until I"m deep in darkness, where no one will notice me. I slide onto the gra.s.s.
I can"t talk to Kaz.
I can"t talk to Lee.
And Owen...
I could never lie to him and I can"t tell him the truth. Guilt and sadness sweep over me and I think how pathetic this makes me when Owen"s the only one who has a right to this pain.
Dimly, I realize that someone"s standing near by.
"You all right, pet?"
I shake my head and will him to leave.
He doesn"t. "You shouldn"t be here on your own. It"s not safe."
Glancing up, I see that he"s old. Mid-thirties. Skin pink from the sun, eyes pink from booze. Or weed.
"Not safe from people like you?" I say.
He shakes his head. "I"m not a crazy rapist. I"ve got chips." He holds a cone of chips towards me.
"Crazy rapists eat chips too."
The man shrugs and sits down a respectable distance from where I am. "Well, I"m not crazy and I"m not rapey. I"ll just sit here. You sit there and I"ll watch out for the rapists. OK?"
"Thanks," I say, and suddenly I"m pushed over the edge and I find myself sobbing into my hands, tears and snot squidging in the gaps between my fingers. He shuffles closer.
"I"m going to put an arm round you. Just shove me off if that"s not OK."
But I don"t. I lean in and I let this kind stranger hold me in a one-armed hug as I cry onto his shoulder, letting out everything that hurts until I"m just a Ruby-shaped sh.e.l.l of a human.
When he offers me a chip again, I take it. And then another until I find that I"ve eaten most of them.
It feels better to be full of chips than to be full of shame.
"You should find your friends." He folds the paper up and asks if there"s someone I"d like to call. I tell him my phone has died.
"Use mine." He hands it to me and waits. Of the three people whose numbers I know, it seems there"s only one left I can call.
I"m beyond grateful when he answers and agrees to meet me at his camp. It isn"t far from my hedge. The camp is dark and silent when I get there, right down to the figure standing by one of the tents. He doesn"t move until I step into the circle.
"Ruby?" It is the voice Stu uses when there are no more games to be played.
"I have nowhere else to go." I"m shivering and he steps closer, but not close enough to hold me.
"What"s wrong? Have you had a fight with Kaz or something?"
I nod. A fight with silence instead of words.
"Lee?"
My body does a violent judder at the mention of my brother and Stu steps forward then, his hands clamping round the tops of my arms to hold me steady. I wish he would pull me closer.
"You can"t just ring me on a stranger"s phone, tell me you need me and expect me to come running."
Even though I nod, I"m thinking that this is exactly what he has done. "I"m sorry. I"ll go."
But when I twist away, he holds me fast.
"Why did you come here, then?" This time he"s impatient. "Why did I leave Goz and Travis having fun on the other side of the campsite if you were just going to f.u.c.k off the second I arrived?"
"I don"t know. You didn"t have to."
Stu ducks his head until he"s in my line of sight. "Look at me, Ruby. You called, I came. Enough of the bulls.h.i.t. I know you I know you so much better than you want me to. I know this isn"t a game. I know something"s really wrong. Just tell me."
I open my mouth to tell him, but I don"t know where to start. With Kaz? With Adam Wexler? With Lee? And as all of the thoughts and feelings clamour to come out first, I say what it is that I really want.
"Can you just hug me? Please?"
Without a second"s hesitation, Stu wraps his arms tight around my body and I"m sobbing into his chest as he kisses the top of my head and tells me that it"s OK, everything will be all right, that he"s sorry and he loves me and he"s here for me.
Owen was right you don"t get to choose who loves you.
Here and now, when I most need holding, I believe that Stu means what he says.
SUNDAY.
31 * HANDS OPEN
RUBY.
My eyes feel gritty and my face is dry from the salt of too many tears. As I breathe in, the smell is one I have dreamed about too many times for it to feel true now. I stay where I am, wrapped in Stu"s arms, his body curved round mine, spooning me. We"re both clothed although I had to take my vest off because it kept catching on everything. String vests are more ha.s.sle than they"re worth.
When I open my eyes, the temptation to kiss his new tattoo is overwhelming, but I resist it the same way I resisted every fibre of wanting as I lay in his sleeping bag, his arms around me, and told him everything, about Kaz and Lauren, about Lee. Stu has always been easy to talk to although I still couldn"t tell him about the other thing. The further away it gets the more disgusted I feel about it. I just want to fold up the memory and hide it away, pretend it never happened.
I distract myself by kissing Stu"s arm. Big mistake. Now I want to kiss all of him.
Stu mumbles something. He shuffles about in his sleep, making it easy for me to wriggle my way out of the sleeping bag. I can"t be near him now I"m no longer asleep. At least when I"m unconscious, I"m incapable of acting on all the things I want to do.
I find his phone he hasn"t changed his pin since we split and I open up a new note.
Thank you for being there when I needed someone to hold me. Maybe me and you can be all right mates instead of trying to hurt each other? That would be happy-making.
I put the phone with the note open on the pillow next to his face, then I find my vest. My boots are outside... Time to go. Kissing my fingers, I press them lightly on his lips.
His eyes open as if he"s been waiting for the right time to wake. Or the wrong time. Leaving him sleeping is easier than leaving him awake. I can"t think what I"d have done without him last night, but today I need to find the strength to hold myself together it feels too good to have Stu do it.
"Oh, you are so not just leaving me a note, Rubes."
"Um..."
Stu props himself up on one elbow and reads what I"ve written. "Come here."
"I"ve got to go."
"No, you don"t." He"s right in one way: I doubt Kaz is expecting me back at seven in the morning. And he"s so very wrong in another: I"ve got to go because I can"t be near him much longer.
"Please, just come here a second," he says. I shuffle back to the sleeping bag. "Closer, please." I get so close that my knees brush against his stomach. "Closer."
"I don"t think-" But there"s no arguing with the look he"s giving me and soon the only thing separating us is my refusal to give in to what I want the most.
"I need to tell you something, Ruby." When I look at him my heart aches. His eyes are darker than ever in the orange glow cast through the canvas and when he talks, his imperfect teeth are barely discernible from the tone of his skin. Stu should not be attractive: his nose is crooked beneath wild eyebrows and his skin"s scarred from acne.
I could look at him for ever.
"It"s all been a lie. The girls everyone"s seen me with...You know none of it"s true?"
"Even the one on my phone?" I mutter. "Stella. Girls have names, you know. They"re not just walking v.a.g.i.n.as."
But Stu"s looking at me like he knows I"m trying to be difficult. "Stella was a spin-the-bottle kiss that I caught on camera because I was p.i.s.sed at you for running off. You always do that. Push me away. You"re doing it now." I swallow, I have nothing to say. I"ve been pushing him away from the second I pulled him. "There hasn"t been anyone since you, Ruby. I"m f.u.c.king with your head because I can"t f.u.c.k with your body." So romantic. "You"re the only one I want to be with."
I shouldn"t believe him. Stu is capable of saying he loves me whilst he"s shaft-deep in someone else.
Isn"t he?
"I can"t do this, Stu. Not now."
"OK." He looks at me some more, then leans in and kisses me on the nose, tilting his forehead to rest on mine. "I know none of this changes what happened. I"m sorry. It was the biggest mistake of my life."
The words stab into my guts. Guess I know more about making mistakes now than I did at the start of the summer. It"s easier to sleep with the wrong person than I thought. And so much harder.
"I really do have to go," I say.
We stare at each other, drinking in everything about this time, when it is just him and me, and what we could have been if either of us were capable of having a relationship. If I hadn"t spent all my time testing his limits if his limits hadn"t failed my tests.
Stu nods and stands, holding a hand to help me up. But as I rise, I see him watching me with sadness.
"Stu, I-"
He shakes his head and simply lifts my arm away from my body, reaching out with his other hand to brush the backs of his fingers softly, slowly, sadly down my ribcage.
"If I can"t take care of you, please will you take care of yourself?"
And I nod before stepping away and looking at Stu one last time as if he"s the thing I need to nourish me.