"Missy, go outside," Marius said, looking over his shoulder at her.
Jack raised his brows as the spaniel mix got off the bed and quietly trotted outside. "I"ll go open the door for her," Jack said, starting to get up.
Marius"s hand on his wrist stopped him, though. "Stay. I"ve got a dog door. She has food and water downstairs."
Nodding, Jack stared down at Marius"s hand on his wrist in wonder. He didn"t feel trapped. He felt held but not secured. Knowing he could get away at any time if he wanted to, he relaxed back on the bed and settled against the pillows. Marius slowly released his hand but didn"t move away. Instead, he moved to lie on his back next to Jack"s hip.
Jack looked down at him, unsure of what to do next.
"I have to go to work in a bit," Marius quietly said. "Monday and all."
Jack said nothing.
"Do you have to work today?" Marius asked him.
"I have the rest of the week off," Jack replied. He wanted to say more, to tell Marius that he"d run away and tried to hide after the attack. But maybe Marius understood. He pressed his lips together and looked away from Jack so maybe he was lucky enough that he didn"t have to say anything at all.
"Do you plan to go back?" Marius continued.
Jack"s mouth split into a wry smile. "I have bills, so I don"t have much of a choice."
"What do you do anyway? I don"t think I asked that." Marius put his arms behind his head, stretching out his torso. Jack couldn"t help but follow the movement with his gaze.
"I work in sales, I guess. It"s a retail store in Branbury about ten minutes from my apartment." Jack shrugged. It was just a job, nothing that important, but it helped pay the bills. He didn"t care one way or the other about it.
Marius nodded. "Today might be tough at the rescue. We"re usually pretty busy on Mondays, and Clara won"t be there. So if you want to come visit for a bit, I mean if you get bored here or something like that, you and Missy are welcome to come help out. No pressure, though. You don"t have to. It"s just that if you want to the offer"s there."
"Thanks," Jack replied, giving him a soft smile.
Marius looked relieved, and Jack nearly laughed at the idea of finding someone who could be just as awkward as he was at times. Marius was much more in control of it but the ability to become completely fl.u.s.tered was there, right beneath the surface.
"I think I"d like to visit," he quietly said.
Marius grinned up at him. "Me too. I mean, I"d like it if you came and visited. Not that I"d like to go visit the rescue sometime. Well, I do like going there. It is mine after all. And Clara"s. But yeah... I"m going to shut up now."
Jack chuckled and moved down in the bed so he was lying next to him. The idea that he was only slightly more naked than Marius surprisingly didn"t bother him at all. Marius hadn"t done anything to him in the night that he could tell, and he hadn"t felt safer in weeks.
"Thanks for not taking advantage of me during the night," Jack joked.
Marius"s face pinched, and for a moment he"d thought he"d said the wrong thing and quickly opened his mouth to apologize.
"It was a near thing," Marius admitted while Jack was trying to figure out how to apologize for what he"d said.
Blushing brightly, Jack dropped his chin. "Really?" he asked, his voice hopeful.
Marius nodded. "Very. But if I ever do get to touch you when you"re naked, to do what we talked about last night, I want you fully aware. And willing. That"s important to me."
Jack didn"t know if he should laugh or cry at the idea of Marius having to declare he wouldn"t be with someone who wasn"t willing. Before it wouldn"t have mattered. The idea of it would have, but the actual words wouldn"t have needed to be said. Now that simple declaration had something welling up inside his chest, and a moment later he realized that tears were leaking from his eyes, and he didn"t know what had caused them.
Marius reached up to brush off his cheeks, and Jack dipped his head to make it easier for him. "I didn"t mean to make you cry." He cupped Jack"s cheek, holding him close.
Jack nodded and turned his face to kiss Marius"s palm. "Sorry. I just.... That means a lot. You know?" Marius nodded, but Jack wasn"t sure he actually understood. So he tried again. "I believe you. When you say you wouldn"t force me. That you"d like me to be willing. And that"s important. Because of what happened to me. And because I want to know I can trust you."
"You can," Marius softly replied. "With anything. I"m not going anywhere."
Jack closed his eyes and leaned into Marius"s hand on his jaw. "I think you"d make a great friend to have."
His thumb brushed Jack"s cheek. "I"d like to be more than that."
Jack nodded and opened his eyes. "I"d like that. But I don"t know if I can. You know? I don"t know if I can be with anyone. Not for a while at least."
Marius frowned and dropped his hand from Jack"s cheek. "I get it. I"ll be here if, or when, you decide you might want to be."
"No. Don"t do that," Jack quickly said. "It could be years. Or months. Or whatever. That"s not fair to you. You don"t have to wait around just because I"m screwed up."
"I don"t see it as waiting around. And I don"t see you as being screwed up. Hurting, yes. But not anything else." Marius"s gaze was narrowed on his, and Jack couldn"t help but look away.
"You"re wrong," he quietly whispered. "I"m broken."
Marius was quick to wrap his arms around Jack"s shoulders and pull him close. "No, you"re not. Look, I don"t know everything that happened to you. I only watched part of the video. But I can guess the rest, and I know you"re probably really hurting from it. That"s pretty obvious. But I can tell you that you"re not broken. You"re still you. What happened doesn"t change that."
Jack"s shoulders shook, and he pressed himself against Marius, leaning into Marius"s embrace. The words were meant to comfort him, but they sounded hollow. He wanted to believe him, but he couldn"t figure out how. So he focused on something else. "You don"t mind hanging out for me to eventually figure this out? I plan to go to therapy soon but it"s going to take some time for me to get better," he whispered. "What if a guy comes along that you really like? Then what? That"s not fair to you."
"A guy already has come along that I really like," Marius admitted. Jack"s breath caught, his mind racing to the worst possible conclusion that he was keeping Marius from being with this other person and that Marius was just with him out of pity. Until Marius continued talking. "His name is Jack, and he adopted a neglected little dog and made more progress with her than I was able to in a month. He lives in an ugly brick apartment building and has more secrets than I have shirts. And I don"t mind waiting around for him to tell me that the time"s right for us because he"s a person that I know is worth being patient for. Have you met him?"
Jack couldn"t help the tears that spilled over his cheeks as he slowly nodded against Marius"s chest. "I have," he choked out, knowing that the question was rhetorical but wanting to answer it anyway. "But he doesn"t deserve you, Marius. Not at all. You see, he"s broken and damaged. You don"t want that."
Marius kissed the top of his head and tightened his arms around Jack"s shoulders. "How about you let me worry about what I want for a bit, all right? I"m a werewolf. We"re usually pretty decisive."
Slowly Jack nodded. His arms came around Marius"s sides, and he hugged him close. He wouldn"t try to argue anymore. He only hoped that he could get better fast enough for Marius to keep his promise. "I want to be good for you. To be the kind of man you deserve," Jack admitted.
Marius nodded against his temple and stroked his hands down Jack"s back. "You are. We werewolves can tell things about people. Things they may not be able to see for themselves. Like how I knew you would be good for Missy. I know you"re good just as much as I know you"re hurting. So you don"t worry about that, all right? You don"t have to focus on that."
Jack wanted to believe him and even tried to. But he couldn"t quite make the idea of it all stick, and so he gave up, instead putting his mind on what he did know and what he was certain of. He enjoyed being with Marius and spending time with him. Marius made him feel safe. Maybe when Jack didn"t need him for that, when he could feel safe all on his own, then maybe he and Marius could go out on a date. As two men and not one man and the sh.e.l.l of one that had become broken and tragic.
"Can we do what we talked about last night?" Jack whispered, an idea forming on a whim.
Marius pulled back and Jack looked up into his surprised-looking face. "The riding and the rubbing thing?" Marius asked him.
Jack nodded, glad he"d asked for clarification just in case they"d talked about something else he couldn"t remember in his sleep-addled mind. He"d been told he talked in his sleep before and agreed to things he didn"t remember even bringing up.
"You sure?" Marius continued.
"Yeah. I mean, I think I am," Jack replied, sudden uncertainty clouding his mind. "Just, if I start to freak out, let me go okay? Don"t do the calming thing. Not yet at least. Maybe in a while, after we"ve done that and more stuff, then maybe I"ll let you do the feelings thing to keep me here with you and not freaking out. But for right now don"t do it. Promise?"
Marius smiled at him and let his hands fall from Jack"s shoulders. "I promise. I won"t influence your feelings. At all. Not until you tell me to."
Relieved, Jack smiled at him as well and waited for Marius to roll over onto his back before he moved over his hips. He tried rushing to just get on top of Marius and not think about what this reminded him of or the fact that he hadn"t seen another naked man since that night. But Marius"s firm hands on his hips broke through his thoughts, and he couldn"t focus anymore. His back rounded and his shoulders trembled as he leaned forward and pressed his palms against Marius"s chest.
"I"m such a freaking mess," Jack whined.
Marius shook his head and squeezed his hips. "No, you"re not. You"re doing just fine. Take a moment just to take it in. Take all the time you need. We"re both naked. That"s a big step, right?"
Jack nodded and forced himself to breathe. "How do you know so much? Like how do you actually put it together?"
"I had a friend in high school who had a crush on a boy once. She was fifteen, and he took her to a party," Marius quietly replied.
Jack swallowed thickly, not sure if he wanted to know where this story was heading. "Was she...?" He couldn"t even say the word, and that silent realization made him feel like a coward.
Marius sadly nodded. "She came to school the next day acting like a completely different person. We were the kind of friends who put their arms around each other and hugged all the time. She knew I was gay, and said I was the best brother a girl could ever ask for. I wasn"t her brother of course, but that"s what we were like. She was a sister to me, and I don"t think I"ve ever loved a girl more. But when she came to school that day she screamed when I grabbed her from behind. Everyone turned and looked at us, and she ran out of the school crying. I was stunned and had no idea what the h.e.l.l I"d done wrong because of course I thought it was my fault. Jeremy, my brother, told me to go to cla.s.s and let her be a girl. He said that sometimes girls were just weird and there was nothing anyone could do about it. But I didn"t listen to him. Instead, I took off after her and found her hiding out down by the lake just outside of town. Between sobs and yelling she told me everything."
Jack nodded. "And did she get better? Ever I mean?"
Marius smiled up at him. "Yeah, she did. In college. In high school she dropped out of our school and went to an alternative one where they had smaller cla.s.srooms, and she didn"t feel so crowded. She didn"t feel like she was suffocating there, she used to tell me. But in college she was nearly herself again."
"How"d she do it?" Jack asked, leaning back on Marius"s thighs.
Shrugging, Marius trailed his fingers over Jack"s hips and up his stomach to brush against his chest. "She had me. I"ve got a bad habit of not going away when I care about people, and I wasn"t about to leave her when she needed me. So I transferred schools in high school and followed her to college."
Jack lifted his brows. "You must have really loved her."
Marius nodded. "I did. She was a good girl and did nothing to deserve what happened to her. Just like you didn"t deserve what happened to you. It happened, and it was awful, but nothing you did made it happen."
Jack wasn"t so sure about that. "I opened the door," he quietly admitted.
Marius"s face hardened. "So? I open my front door all the time. I like shopping online. Does that mean I"d deserve it?"
Jack was quick to shake his head no.
"So how is it different for you?" Marius asked him.
Jack tried to come up with an answer, but he couldn"t, and any thoughts he had quickly died on his lips as he felt Marius"s head brush against his own. He froze but forced himself to stay right there and not to run, even if that was what he really wanted to do. His fingers curled on Marius"s chest, and he trembled, but he managed to stay still and not scramble off his lap.
"Tell me about your first time," Marius said, easing him out of the dark hole his mind had traveled into.
Jack nearly laughed. "You want to know about that?"
Marius nodded. "As long as it was consensual. Was it?" Jack quickly nodded. "Then tell me."
"First time with full-on s.e.x?" Jack asked, needing clarification.
Shrugging, Marius brought his hands back to Jack"s hips. "First time you no longer thought of yourself as a virgin. Whatever that meant to you."
"I was fourteen," Jack began, struggling to remember the details. "It wasn"t that exciting. Neither one of us was any good at it. He said he was just testing it out. I"d known I liked boys for years at that point. I tried dating a girl once. It didn"t work that well. She was bored, and I was wishing I was anywhere but there. The next day I considered my virginity lost." He shrugged. "Like I said, not that exciting." He"d thought it was a weird topic for Marius to bring up, but it had worked. He was no longer focused on what had happened to him. He rolled back his shoulders and let himself relax on top of Marius. "So... what about you? Football captain in the locker room?"
Marius chuckled and shook his head. "That girl and I in a tent when she was eighteen, and I was seventeen."
Jack lifted his brows, and his jaw dropped. "But... but you"re gay. Right?"
"Yes. I"m very gay," Marius confirmed for him.
"But then why?" Jack continued. "I mean, you had s.e.x with a girl. That had to be weird."
Laughing, Marius nodded. "It was actually. But she needed me, and I wanted to help her out. I thought about an actor the whole time and even then wasn"t able to really finish with her. But that wasn"t the important part. She got what she needed and went on to have a normal relationship with a guy in college. I don"t think she ever told him what happened to her."
Jack made a sour face. "I"ve got no idea what you"re talking about here."
Marius smiled up at him and stroked his fingers down Jack"s outer thighs. "She needed to know that intimacy could be good, that she could love without pain. We were best friends. She trusted me, and I would have done anything to help her. She loved me, and I loved her, but not in the way you"re thinking. She needed something and I gave it to her. It was just that simple. I let her lead, let her take control, and she took her time and took what she needed from me. After she was done we cried together, I held her, and she fell asleep in my arms. The next day we didn"t talk about it. We went hiking, did some fishing, and swam in a river. She went off to college later that year. I followed her there the next year. She started dating a really good guy shortly after that, and then they got married. The one time we did talk about it she said what I did helped her reclaim the part of herself he"d taken away from her. I couldn"t make her a virgin again, but I helped heal the torn pieces of her."
Jack nodded, quietly beginning to understand what Marius meant. Still, he couldn"t believe Marius had done something so selfless for another person. "I"m going to start calling you Saint Marius I think. No one is that good."
Marius snorted. "Yeah, don"t do that. And like I keep trying to tell you, I"m not that good. Not like you"re thinking anyway."
Jack rolled his eyes. "Sure. Right. Whatever. You"re freaking selfless and giving and all this."
Laughing, Marius shook his head. "I"m not. There are plenty of things I"d like to be doing right now that aren"t selfless or giving. But if I take what I want then I"ll be just another man that hurt you. And I don"t want to be that. Not for you or anyone else. So take your time, take all of it that you need. I"ll get to do the things I want when the time is right for you."
Jack blushed and stared down at him. "Like what? What"s one thing you"d like to be doing to me right now?" His heart sped up, and he waited with bated breath to hear what it was. He didn"t know if he was ready for the answer or not, though. What if Marius wanted to be rough with him? Could he handle even hearing about that? Let alone actually doing the action someday?
"I want to bite your wrist," Marius replied.
Jack"s trailing thoughts stopped midstream. "Huh? You want to what now?" he asked, clearly not catching what Marius had said.
Chuckling, Marius repeated himself. "Bite your wrist."
"Like a vampire? With blood and stuff?" Jack started to pull his hands away from Marius"s chest, but the other man gently circled his fingers around Jack"s narrower wrists.
He shook his head. "The wrists are sensitive. It"s an erogenous zone. Can I show you? If you don"t like it I"ll stop instantly."
Not really believing him, Jack shrugged and relaxed his arm so Marius could bring his wrist to his own mouth. The first brush of his tongue against the inside of his wrist had Jack nearly giggling. He hadn"t known he was ticklish there at all. But then he felt the grazing touch of Marius"s teeth against his skin and gasped. His gaze met Marius"s, and he couldn"t look away as Marius softly bit him. His free hand tightened on Marius"s shoulder, and he leaned forward, barely catching himself as a tingling trail of pleasure worked its way through him. Marius continued his work on Jack"s wrist, licking his skin and gently sucking on it before biting him again. This time Jack"s loud gasp ended on a moan, and he closed his eyes as his head fell forward.
He felt himself getting hard and forced himself to look down at Marius"s hard length beside his own as he panted out another moan. His arm trembled in Marius"s grasp, and his hips moved on their own in a slow rocking rhythm that was neither a part of him or anything he consciously wanted to do, but he wasn"t about to stop it as a bright light of slow pleasure began building inside his chest.
Marius eased Jack"s red wrist with some light swipes of his tongue. The area was sensitive, but Jack wasn"t worried about it at all, not with his own pleasure steadily climbing higher. He hadn"t felt this real, this right, since before the attack, and he didn"t want to risk losing this sensation.
"Here," Marius said, handing Jack a small, clear bottle. He released Jack"s wrist and placed it back on his chest. Jack stared down at the bottle for a long moment, unsure of what he was supposed to do with it until Marius cleared his throat and nodded toward their lengths. Blushing brightly, Jack took the bottle and secured it against his palm. His hips slowed as he stared down at it, questioning himself and what he was ready for.
"It"s yours if you want it," Marius said, his hands returning to Jack"s waist.
"And if I don"t use it?" Jack asked him, straightening up.
Marius shrugged. "Then we do this for as long as you want. You"re calling the shots here, Jack. I"ll do whatever you want."
His words, the lack of control in them, sent a shiver tumbling down Jack"s spine. "You"d give up your own pleasure for mine?" he asked, unsure of himself.
Marius nodded. "Of course. This is about you. Someday I"d like to be able to come home from a long day at the rescue and find you in bed waiting for me. But that"s not today, and I don"t need it to be. I can wait for that. So take what you need from me today, and we"ll work on more when you"re ready."
"You"re insane," Jack whispered, tears pooling in his eyes. He roughly wiped his lashes, not wanting to cry again in front of Marius.