Claire wrapped the laces on her Keds around her index finger until it turned purple and throbbed.
"If you don"t like me, just say so," Cam said softly. Then his voice cracked. "You don"t have to lie."
"I like you," Claire said too quickly. "I mean, I"m not lying."
"Then why didn"t you tell me sooner? Why didn"t your brother ever mention it?" Cam crushed the c.o.ke can in his fist and the popping sounds of the aluminum sounded like gun shots.
"I-I didn"t think you liked me that way." Claire knew Cam would never buy that excuse, but the words came out of her mouth before she had a chance to stop them.
"How could you not know?" he asked. "I wrote you letters, burned CDs for you, and always asked you to hang out."
"I thought you were being friendly," Claire said. "You know, "cause I"m new here." She felt her throat lock.
Cam couldn"t bring himself to look at her. He was too busy digging his thumb into the carpet.
"If I didn"t have a boyfriend, I"d definitely like you." Claire knew that sounded stupid and was desperate to tell him the truth. But it was too late.
Cam jumped to his feet and ran his hands through his dark wavy hair.
"You should probably leave." Cam pointed to the stairs. "I"m sure your boyfriend boyfriend is wondering where you are." is wondering where you are."
Claire wanted to hug him and smell his Drakkar Noir one last time. She wanted to tell him that she"d memorized his note because she had read it more than one hundred times. She wanted him to know that she"d learned every word to every Strokes song on the CD he made for her and that she thought his leather jacket looked cool all beat up, even though Ma.s.sie insisted he"d look cuter in a new one.
"Sorry," Claire said as she stood up. It was the only thing she"d said all night that she actually meant.
"Whatever," Cam said to the brown carpet.
Claire ran up the stairs two at a time. She raced past the kitchen and bolted out the front door. Her coat was still on the banister, but she was too upset to go back in and grab it. All Claire wanted to do was go home, take off Alicia"s tight jeans, and cry in peace.
The Fishers" porch light was off and the driveway was empty. There was no sign of the black Mustang or Alicia"s Schwinn. Were they actually out on a date? Whatever they were doing, Claire knew Alicia was having a much better time than she was. The backs of Claire"s eyes suddenly felt hot. The tears came.
Claire was about to get on her bike when the rustling leaves of the neighbor"s shrub caught her attention.
"Alicia? Harris?" she whispered. "You back there?"
There was no answer, just more rustling. Claire was about to call again when she thought maybe they didn"t want to be disturbed.
"Pssst," Claire heard from behind the bushes. "Over "ere."
"Alicia, what are you doing?" Claire searched the darkness and wiped her eyes. She could feel the cold air penetrating her sweater but didn"t care. All she could think about was the sadness behind Cam"s eyes and how she was responsible for it.
"Pssst," she heard again. Someone poked a red, white, and blue Firecracker Popsicle out of the bushes and waved it around in the air. Claire started crying again. This time they were happy tears.
"Layne!" Claire said, running toward the Popsicle. "You"re the best!" Layne"s orthodontist had recently banned her from popcorn and mustard, which she"d been munching for the last month, because he thought the kernels might crack one of the brackets on her teeth. So she switched and made Popsicles her latest food obsession.
Layne tossed her Popsicle on the neighbor"s lawn. She crawled out of the bushes on her hands and knees. Once she was on her feet, the girls hugged and rocked back and forth.
"What are you doing here?" Claire asked when they broke apart.
"I got your message," Layne said. Her lips were stained blue and her teeth were chattering.
"Huh?"
"You told me you were breaking up with Cam and you wanted to know if I would go with you," Layne shouted. "Am I too late?"
"Shhh." Claire put her hand over Layne"s mouth. She had forgotten all about the message but was happy she"d left it.
A voice from behind the bush said, "Hey, Lyons."
Claire jumped and grabbed Layne"s arm. "Who"s that?"
"It"s Eli," Layne said. "I had to bring him. My mom wouldn"t let me bike alone in the dark."
Normally Claire didn"t like hanging out with Layne"s know-it-all, eyeliner-wearing, punk rock boyfriend Eli. But tonight she welcomed the friendly face.
"Can we get out of here?" Claire said.
"Gladly," Layne said, picking her bike up off the ground. It was covered in b.u.mper stickers and had silver ta.s.sels hanging from the handlebars. Eli"s plain black bike looked naked in comparison.
The three walked their bikes down Holly Road, shivering and talking in hushed tones.
"I would ask how the breakup went, but I can pretty much tell by looking at your bloodshot eyes," Layne said.
Claire wiped her face with the back of her ice-cold hand.
"Why did you dump him if you like him so much?" Eli asked, twisting his silver skull bracelet.
Layne adjusted the orange floppy pom-pom on top of her striped hat. "I"m sure it had something to do with Ma.s.sie Block."
"What does Ma.s.sie have to do with it?" Eli asked.
"She"s a controlling witch who thinks she has a right to tell Claire who she can like."
"That"s not totally true."
"Yeah, whatever," Layne said. "You"re ten times cooler than those girls. Stop trying to make them like you. It"s pathetic. Why aren"t I good enough for you?"
"Yeah, what"s wrong with Layne?" Eli said, ringing the bell on his bike for emphasis.
"Of course you"re good enough. It"s not that. But I practically live with her. It would be nice if we got along." Claire was so upset, she barely felt the cold wind whip her tearstained cheeks. "Besides, how many times have you asked me what Ma.s.sie"s bedroom looks like or what kind of grades she gets or what she wears on the weekends?" Claire said, suddenly wishing she had never left that message for Layne. "You"ve even asked me if they talk about you."
"Yeah, but that was before," Layne said.
"Before what?"
"Before I stopped caring."
"Yeah." Eli rang his bell again.
Claire rolled her eyes. "Right, like you don"t care."
Layne stopped in front of the iron signpost. It said The Block Estate in white script. "I"ll prove it. You"ll see."
Claire had no idea how Layne would "prove" she didn"t care what Ma.s.sie thought of her. But she hoped Layne wouldn"t go too far. Claire didn"t want her to be Ma.s.sie"s next victim.
"I"ll call you tomorrow," Layne said as she rode off on her bike.
""Kay." Claire waved goodbye. "Thanks for being there."
Claire rode past GLU headquarters on her way to the guesthouse and decided to stop in and say hi to Ma.s.sie, Kristen, and Dylan. If they were nice to her, she would know she did the right thing by breaking up with Cam. And if they weren"t ... She shook the thought from her head.
Claire tapped on the gla.s.s door and the three girls shrieked.
"It"s just me." Claire stepped inside.
"We thought you were a murderer." Ma.s.sie"s hand was on her heart. Kristen and Dylan were hiding under their cashmere blankets.
"How long have you been outside?" Dylan asked.
"Yeah." Kristen elbowed Dylan. "Have you been listening to us all night?" all night?" She spoke slowly, like she was talking to a foreign exchange student. She spoke slowly, like she was talking to a foreign exchange student.
"No, it"s freezing out," Claire said, annoyed that they were already accusing her of something. "Anyway, I just got home."
"Why is your face all puffy?" Ma.s.sie demanded. "Salt your popcorn much?"
Dylan and Kristen laughed.
Claire could feel her eyes welling up all over again. "I told Cam I didn"t want to hang out with him anymore."
"Tell me what happened." Ma.s.sie walked over to Claire and held her close. The smell of Chanel No. 19 filled the air and surrounded her like an invisible fortress. "Tell me everything," Ma.s.sie said, rubbing her back.
"H-he Hooked so s-s-aaad," Claire wailed. She was a leaky mess of tears and snot.
"Why don"t you stay with us tonight?" Ma.s.sie offered. "You can have Alicia"s old sleeping bag."
"Yeah," Dylan said, clearing a s.p.a.ce.
"You can share my blanket," Kristen offered.
"Really?" Claire wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her lavender sweater.
"Of course," Ma.s.sie said. "Consider yourself the newest member of the Friday night sleepover."
A warm feeling washed through Claire"s entire body. Layne and Alicia were wrong. wrong. Ma.s.sie Ma.s.sie was was looking out for her. She cared. looking out for her. She cared.
"I just have to get pajamas and tell my mom."
"Okay, hurry," Ma.s.sie said.
Claire ran out of GLU headquarters. She jumped on her bike and then quickly got off. What if it was a trap? What if it was a trap? She crept up to the side of the barn and pressed her ear against the cold wood. She couldn"t make out every word they were saying, but she did hear "poor thing" and "feel bad for her." Claire exhaled and smiled. She crept up to the side of the barn and pressed her ear against the cold wood. She couldn"t make out every word they were saying, but she did hear "poor thing" and "feel bad for her." Claire exhaled and smiled.
She did it. She was IN. She was part of OCD"s infamous Pretty Committee. From now on she would know their secrets, get their inside jokes, and go to their parties. They would never make her cry again. Why would they? She was finally finally one of them. one of them.
While Claire was changing into her plaid flannel pj"s, Cam"s face popped into her head. What he was doing right now? Was he still playing video games or was he lying on his bed, listening to music? Was he still upset or was he over her?
Claire headed back to GLU headquarters, thrilled that she was running across the lawn to join Ma.s.sie, not escape her. But as she got closer, she was overcome by an intense hollow feeling, like there was a big empty s.p.a.ce inside her. It was loneliness. And it was worse than anything she experienced during her first few months in Westchester. Tears flooded Claire"s eyes.
"What"s wrong with me?" she asked the whistling wind. "Why can"t I just be happy?"
But deep down inside, Claire already knew the answer. The only person she wanted to share her victory with was the one person she was forbidden to see. And for some reason that felt worse than being alone.
AFTER-SCHOOL C CARPOOL A ALICIA"S L LIMO 3:58 PM PM.
November 24th Alicia raced to the parking lot after school. She couldn"t wait to tell her new friends about Harris. Once they heard about their Friday night date, they"d know they were being led by a true alpha.
When Strawberry and Kori arrived, Dean opened the door to the limo and the three girls piled inside.
"This car is bigger than my bedroom," Kori said, twisting one of her blond braids around her finger.
Strawberry shifted her magnetic nose ring from her right nostril to the left. "You act like you"ve never been in a limo before."
"You act like you have," have," Kori fired back. She unzipped her sporty red North Face ski jacket and slouched in her seat. Alicia wondered how such a good athlete could have such bad posture and made a mental note to work on it. Kori fired back. She unzipped her sporty red North Face ski jacket and slouched in her seat. Alicia wondered how such a good athlete could have such bad posture and made a mental note to work on it.
Strawberry twisted a mess of wavy pink hair to the top of her head, then fastened it with a banana clip. She reached into her mint green hobo sac and pulled out a bag of Baked Lays.
Alicia grinned. It was exactly like carpooling with Kristen and Dylan.
"Sorry I"m late," Faux-livia panted as she climbed into the limo. "I had trouble opening my locker."
"Really? That"s so unlike you," Alicia muttered under her breath. To her surprise, everyone laughed. ... She was a natural.
"Welcome to the inaugural trip of my carpool," Alicia announced when Dean started the limo"s engine.
"Yaaaaay!" the girls cheered. They high-fived each other as Dean pulled out of the OCD parking lot.
"Okay, so who wants to play What Would You Rather?" Alicia asked once they were on the road. Ma.s.sie always thought of fun games for carpool and Alicia would be no different.
"What"s that?" Kori asked. She was slouching so severely, her b.u.t.t was hanging off the edge of her seat.
"Yeah, how do you play?" Strawberry said.
"I"ll give you a scenario and you say which one you"d rather do."
"It"s fun," Faux added, clearly trying her best to be a good beta.
"I"ll start," Alicia said, sitting up tall. She looked out the window for inspiration. "Okay, I have one." She whipped her head around to face her audience. "What would you rather? Count every strand of hair on your head or every breath you take?"