Clasping one hand across his forehead, Robert cried, "You couldn"t ask me to do a thing I hate so much. Go, and sit, and look sheepish, and sing hymns with the people I"ve been badgering; and everybody seeing me!
How can it be anything to you like what it is to me?"
"You have only to take my word for it that it is, and far more," said Major Waring, sinking his voice. "Come; it won"t do you any harm to make an appointment to meet your conscience now and then. You will never be ruled by reason, and your feelings have to teach you what you learn. At any rate, it"s my request."
This terminated the colloquy upon that topic. Robert looked forward to a penitential Sabbath-day.
"She is a widow still," thought Major Waring, as he stood alone in his bed-room, and, drawing aside the curtains of his window, looked up at the white moon.
CHAPTER XXIV
When the sun takes to shining in winter, and the Southwest to blowing, the corners of the earth cannot hide from him--the mornings are like halls full of light. Robert had spent his hopes upon a wet day that would have kept the congregation spa.r.s.e and the guests at Fairly absent from public devotions.
He perceived at once that he was doomed to be under everybody"s eyes when he walked down the aisle, for everybody would attend the service on such a morning as this.
Already he had met his conscience, in so far as that he shunned asking Percy again what was the reason for their going to church, and he had not the courage to pet.i.tion to go in the afternoon instead of the morning.
The question, "Are you ashamed of yourself, then?" sang in his ears as a retort ready made.
There was no help for it; so he set about a.s.sisting his ingenuity to make the best appearance possible--brushing his hat and coat with extraordinary care.
Percy got him to point out the spot designated for the meeting, and telling him to wait in the Warbeach churchyard, or within sight of it, strolled off in the direction of the river. His simple neatness and quiet gentlemanly air abashed Robert, and lured him from his intense conception of abstract right and wrong, which had hitherto encouraged and incited him, so that he became more than ever crestfallen at the prospect of meeting the eyes of the church people, and with the trembling sensitiveness of a woman who weighs the merits of a lover when pa.s.sion is having one of its fatal pauses, he looked at himself, and compared himself with the cla.s.s of persons he had outraged, and tried to think better of himself, and to justify himself, and st.u.r.dily reject comparisons. They would not be beaten back. His enemies had never suggested them, but they were forced on him by the aspect of his friend.
Any man who takes the law into his own hands, and chooses to stand against what is conventionally deemed fitting:--against the world, as we say, is open to these moods of degrading humility. Robert waited for the sound of the bells with the emotions of a common culprit. Could he have been driven to the church and deposited suddenly in his pew, his mind would have been easier.
It was the walking there, the walking down the aisle, the sense of his being the fellow who had matched himself against those well-attired gentlemen, which entirely confused him. And not exactly for his own sake--for Percy"s partly. He sickened at the thought of being seen by Major Waring"s side. His best suit and his hat were good enough, as far as they went, only he did not feel that he wore them--he could not divine how it was--with a proper air, an air of signal comfort. In fact, the graceful negligence of an English gentleman"s manner had been unexpectedly revealed to him; and it was strange, he reflected, that Percy never appeared to observe how deficient he was, and could still treat him as an equal, call him by his Christian name, and not object to be seen with him in public.
Robert did not think at the same time that illness had impoverished his blood. Your sensational beings must keep a strong and a good flow of blood in their veins to be always on a level with the occasion which they provoke. He remembered wonderingly that he had used to be easy in gait and ready of wit when walking from Queen Anne"s Farm to Wrexby village church. Why was he a different creature now? He could not answer the question.
Two or three of his Warbeach acquaintances pa.s.sed him in the lanes. They gave him good day, and spoke kindly, and with pleasant friendly looks.
Their impression when they left him was that he was growing proud.
The jolly butcher of Warbeach, who had a hearty affection for him, insisted upon clapping his hand, and showing him to Mrs. Billing, and showing their two young ones to Robert. With a kiss to the children, and a nod, Robert let them pa.s.s.
Here and there, he was hailed by young fellows who wore their hats on one side, and jaunty-fashioned coats--Sunday being their own bright day of exhibition. He took no notice of the greetings.
He tried to feel an interest in the robins and twittering wrens, and called to mind verses about little birds, and kept repeating them, behind a face that chilled every friendly man who knew him.
Moody the boat-builder asked him, with a stare, if he was going to church, and on Robert"s replying that perhaps he was, said "I"m dashed!"
and it was especially discouraging to one in Robert"s condition.
Further to inspirit him, he met Jonathan Eccles, who put the same question to him, and getting the same answer, turned sharp round and walked homeward.
Robert had a great feeling of relief when the bells were silent, and sauntered with a superior composure round the holly and laurel bushes concealing the church. Not once did he ponder on the meeting between Major Waring and Mr. Edward Blancove, until he beheld the former standing alone by the churchyard gate, and then he thought more of the empty churchyard and the absence of carriages, proclaiming the dreadful admonition that he must immediately consider as to the best way of comporting himself before an observant and censorious congregation.
Major Waring remarked, "You are late."
"Have I kept you waiting?" said Robert.
"Not long. They are reading the lessons."
"Is it full inside?"
"I dare say it is."
"You have seen him, I suppose?"
"Oh yes; I have seen him."
Percy was short in his speech, and pale as Robert had never seen him before. He requested hastily to be told the situation of Lord Elling"s pew.
"Don"t you think of going into the gallery?" said Robert, but received no answer, and with an inward moan of "Good G.o.d! they"ll think I"ve come here in a sort of repentance," he found himself walking down the aisle; and presently, to his amazement, settled in front of the Fairly pew, and with his eyes on Mrs. Lovell.
What was the matter with her? Was she ill? Robert forgot his own tribulation in an instant. Her face was like marble, and as she stood with the prayer-book in her hand, her head swayed over it: her lips made a faint effort at smiling, and she sat quietly down, and was concealed.
Algernon and Sir John Capes were in the pew beside her, as well as Lady Elling, who, with a backward-turned hand and disregarding countenance, reached out her smelling-bottle.
"Is this because she fancies I know of her having made a bet of me?"
thought Robert, and it was not his vanity prompted the supposition, though his vanity was awakened by it. "Or is she ashamed of her falsehood?" he thought again, and forgave her at the sight of her sweet pale face. The singing of the hymns made her evident suffering seem holy as a martyr"s. He scarce had the power to conduct himself reverently, so intense was his longing to show her his sympathy.
"That is Mrs. Lovell--did you see her just now?" he whispered.
"Ah?" said Major Waring.
"I"m afraid she has fainted."
"Possibly."
But Mrs. Lovell had not fainted. She rose when the time for rising came again, and fixing her eyes with a grave devotional collectedness upon the vicar at his reading-desk, looked quite mistress of herself--but mistress of herself only when she kept them so fixed. When they moved, it was as if they had relinquished some pillar of support, and they wavered; livid shades chased her face, like the rain-clouds on a grey lake-water. Some one fronting her weighed on her eyelids. This was evident. Robert thought her a miracle of beauty. She was in colour like days he had noted thoughtfully: days with purple storm, and with golden horizon edges. She had on a bonnet of black velvet, with a delicate array of white lace, that was not suffered to disturb the contrast to her warm yellow hair. Her little gloved hands were both holding the book; at times she perused it, or, the oppression becoming unendurable, turned her gaze toward the corner of the chancel, and thence once more to her book. Robert rejected all idea of his being in any way the cause of her strange perturbation. He cast a glance at his friend. He had begun to nourish a slight suspicion; but it was too slight to bear up against Percy"s self-possession; for, as he understood the story, Percy had been the sufferer, and the lady had escaped without a wound. How, then, if such were the case, would she be showing emotion thus deep, while he stood before her with perfect self-command?
Robert believed that if he might look upon that adorable face for many days together, he could thrust Rhoda"s from his memory. The sermon was not long enough for him; and he was angry with Percy for rising before there was any movement for departure in the Fairly pew. In the doorway of the church Percy took his arm, and asked him to point out the family tombstone. They stood by it, when Lady Elling and Mrs. Lovell came forth and walked to the carriage, receiving respectful salutes from the people of Warbeach.
"How lovely she is!" said Robert.
"Do you think her handsome?" said Major Waring.
"I can"t understand such a creature dying." Robert stepped over an open grave.
The expression of Percy"s eyes was bitter.
"I should imagine she thinks it just as impossible."
The Warbeach villagers waited for Lady Elling"s carriage to roll away, and with a last glance at Robert, they too went off in gossiping groups.
Robert"s penance was over, and he could not refrain from asking what good his coming to church had done.
"I can"t a.s.sist you," said Percy. "By the way, Mr. Blancove denies everything. He thinks you mad. He promises, now that you have adopted reasonable measures, to speak to his cousin, and help, as far as he can, to discover the address you are in search of."