When I"ve served out this enlistment, And my time in the Reserves, Why, I am going to treat yours truly To the treat that he deserves.
For I am tired chasing Villa, In this G.o.d-forsaken land, When there"s nothing much but cactus And the useless miles of sand.
Where the Rio Grande is flowing, By El Paso near Fort Bliss, There"s a little girl worth knowin", And she"s a"savin" me a kiss.
Oh, I met her once a"walking, With red corals in her hair;
Where the greasers sit a"talking, In the little public square.
There"s real food there; white women; Most things a man could want; And a pool to go in swimmin"
And a Chinese restaurant; Where, across the hot Chop Suey; If you give the c.h.i.n.k a wink, He"ll produce a little teapot, Full of something good to drink.
Oh, I"m tired of Cactus whiskey, That they stop the trucks to sell; For one bottle"s mighty risky, And two starts a man for h.e.l.l.
And the first time that I"m able, When they hand me my discharge, Watch me lean across the table, And say: "Bo, give me a drink of "large.""
So good-bye, Adobe ladies; My regards to Uncle Sam; Let old Pancho go to Hades; Adios to Col. Dublan!
They can"t bind me with a la.s.so, Once this little Doughboy"s free; There"s a girl right in El Paso, That I"m bound he"s going to see.
For she"s waitin", my Anita; In the Plaza, in the Square; Where the little fenced-in fountain Throws its water in the air; Where the old pet alligator stays, And winks his knowin" eye, And says, "Patience, Senorita,"
He"ll be with you by an" by.
OLD BALDY
The "Black Eagle" said, "I think it but fair, That I should be ruler of both land and air, And have all the other birds under my reign.
How great I shall be over such a domain."
The others protested, saying, "This you can"t do; We"ll never submit to a swell-head like you.
Before we"ll come under your despotic rod, We"ll fight to the very last drop of our blood."
But the "Black Eagle" answered: "I"ll have what I wish; I"ll pay you for suckers, and catch a big fish; I"ll clip your wings off with a big pair of shears That I have been grinding, the last forty years.
"I"ll hook my big talons right into your breast, And get a wild "Turkey" to help do the rest.
We"ll pluck that fine plumage all off from your back; And you"ll find desolation the brand of my track."
And so the fight started. It waxed fierce and long; And proved the "Black Eagle" unusually strong.
With three years of fighting, he still was intact, And seemed to be victor--in fight and in fact.
But at this very moment of luck for the "Black,"
A venerable eagle flew into his track.
He was gray, he was bald, he was ancient as well; And just where he came from, there"s no use to tell.
This "Bald-headed Eagle" was hailed with delight, When the other birds saw he was going to fight; But when they beheld the tactics employed, By "Baldy the Great One," they were overjoyed.
For he hooked his curved bill in the top of the head Of "Old Blackey the Terror," then quietly said: "Just watch my talons clip up to his throat.
With one still free, I will pick this old bloat."
The struggle was fierce, and the feathers flew high; The "Black One"s" fine plumage came off rapidly; "Old Baldy"s" quick work, and to make good his word, Left nary a feather stick on the Black bird.
The fight at last ended; the "Black" gave it up, With "Baldy" victorious, awarded the cup; But the "Black One" was stripped of all honor and fame.
Has a place in this world with a dishonored name.
It may be a fable, but history records This defeat of the "Fowl of Great Boasting Words."
How the "Prussian Black Eagle" that thought he could scratch, Found in "Old Baldy" far more than his match.
"KAISER BILL"
There"s a Guy across the Sea, And the "Devil"s own" is he.
Death! Destruction! Misery!
That"s the Kaiser.
Don"t you fancy he"s a fool.
Satan ne"er had such a tool-- Whether demon, fiend or ghoul As the Kaiser.
At the bottom of the ocean Lie the victims of his notion.
Bathes in human blood for lotion Does the Kaiser.
While his Teuton Choir sings, In the military rings, Of the "Divine Right of Kings."
Kaiser Bill.
Kinder erst, und den de vimmen-- Shood dem ub vile dey is schwimmen, Den you gif der men a trimmen, Kaiser Bill.
For der voorit must pe mine own, So I"ll pe der King alone, Mit a unifersal throne Kaiser Bill.
But we"ll toss you out the tip, (Though the censor seal the lip) That he"ll soon be "on the hip"-- Will the Kaiser.
For his submarines are sinking, And his men in trenches, stinking, While the Western world is linking "Gainst the Kaiser.
He"ll be picked up in a basket, With a U-Boat for a casket, And a name plate, if he ask it.
"KAISER BILL."
Then "submerge" in kerosene, Kept in memory ever green As the profligate, obscene Kaiser Bill.
THE RAW RECRUIT
Ses Corporal Madden to Private McFadden: Be gob, ye"re a bad "un; Now turn out your toes; Yer belt is unhookit Yer cap is on crookit Ye may not be dhrunk, But be jabers, ye look it; Wan-two! Wan-two!
Ye monkey faced devil, I"ll jolly ye through!
Wan-two! Time! Mark!
Ye march like the aigle in Cintheral Park.
Ses Corporal Madden to Private McFadden: A saint it ud sadden To dhrill such a mug; Eyes front! ye baboon ye!
Chin up! ye gossoon, ye!
Ye"ve jaws like a goat-- Halt! ye leather lipped loon, ye!
Wan-two! Wan-two!
Ye whiskered orang-outang, I"ll fix you!
Wan-two! Time! Mark!
Ye"ve eyes like a bat, can ye see in the dark?
Ses Corporal Madden to Private McFadden: Yer figger wants padd"n-- Sure man, ye"ve no shape; Behind ye yer shoulders Stick out like two boulders; Yer shins are as thin As a pair of penholders; Wan-two! Wan-two!
Yer belly belongs on yer back, ye Jew!
Wan-two! Time! Mark!
I"m as dry as a dog--I can"t spake but I bark!