At last he died before his time--killed off by an ingrowing rhyme. The mourners laid him on his pall, his three a.s.sorted names and all, and said: "Doggone him! Now he"ll stop this thing of writing helpful slop." He got the finest grave in town, and marble things to hold him down.
Long years have pa.s.sed since R. R. Rox was placed in silver-mounted box; and does he rest in peace? Instead, he"s working harder now he"s dead. New books are coming from his pen until the chastened sons of men look round, their eyelids red with grief--look round, imploring for relief. "Is there no way," so wails the host, "to lay this Richard Randle"s ghost?"
THE CONQUEROR
The pugilist, tall and majestic, and proud of his numerous scars, was telling of foreign, domestic, and all kinds of Homeric wars. His hearers were standing before him in att.i.tudes speaking of awe, for what could they do but adore him, the man with the prognathous jaw?
"My make-up," he said, "rather queer is, I"ve never seen others that way; I simply don"t know what a fear is; I really rejoice in the fray, I guess I"m the champion glarer, my glance seems to wilt all my foes; I"ve seen fellows crumple with terror before we had got down to blows.
This made me so often the victor; no qualms in my bosom I feel; I don"t fear a boa constrictor--my heart is an engine of steel."
[Ill.u.s.tration: The Conqueror]
And so of his feats superhuman he talked in a voice ringing loud, until a small, fiery-eyed woman came elbowing up through the crowd. Her voice, like her person, was spindling, but Hercules heard when she called: "Come home, now, and cut up some kindling, or I will be s.n.a.t.c.hing you bald!" No more of his triumphs he lilted, like Spartacus spieling in Rome; the steel hearted warrior wilted, and followed his conquerer home.
THE TRUTHFUL MERCHANT
If Ananias lived today and ran the corner store, he couldn"t keep the wolf away from his old creaking door. For men who spend their hard-earned rocks won"t patronize the man who must forever, when he talks, make truth an also ran.
I bought a whole new suit of clothes from Bilks, across the street. He said to me: "Such rags as those just simply can"t be beat. They ornament the clothier"s trade, and eke the tailor"s shears; they will not shrink, they will not fade, they"ll last a hundred years. Go forth," said Bilks, "upon the street, in all your pomp and pride, and every pretty girl you meet will wish she was your bride."
So I went forth in brave array, the city"s one best bet. There was a little shower that day, and I got slightly wet. And then the truth was driven in that my new rags were punk. Alas, my friends, it was a sin the way those trousers shrunk! The b.u.t.tons from my waistcoat flew with dull and sickening crack; my coat soon changed from brown to blue and then split up the back.
Old Bilks gold-bricked me in that deal, but does his system pay? He"ll never get another wheel from me till Judgment Day. The kopeck that you win by guile may swell your roll today, but in the clammy afterwhile it melts that roll away.
STANDING PAT
Your arguments for modern things with me cannot avail; my father reaped his grain by hand and thrashed it with a flail; then who am I to strike new paths and buy machinery? The methods good enough for dad are good enough for me! I want no hydrant by my house--such doodads I won"t keep! My father drew the water from a well three furlongs deep, and skinned his hands and broke his back a-pulling at the rope, and methods that my father used will do for me, I hope! Don"t talk of your electric light; a candle"s all I need; my father always went to bed when "twas too dark to read; I want no books or magazines to clutter up my shack; my father never read a thing but Johnson"s almanac. A bathroom? Blowing wealth for that ridiculous appears; my father never used to bathe, and lived for ninety years. I care not for your "progress" talk, "reform" or other tricks; my father never used to vote or fuss with politics; he never cared three whoops in Troy which side should win or lose, and I"m content to go his gait, and wear my father"s shoes.
THE OUTCAST
You ask me why I weep and moan, like some lost spirit in despair, and why I wonder [Transcriber"s note: wander?] off alone, and paw the ground and tear my hair? You ask me why I pack this gun, all loaded up, prepared to shoot? Alas! my troubles have begun--the women folk are canning fruit! There is no place for me to eat, unless I eat upon the floor; and peelings get beneath my feet, and make me fall a block or more; the odors from the boiling jam, all day a.s.sail my weary snoot; you find me, then, the wreck I am--the women folk are canning fruit!
O, they have peaches on the chairs, and moldy apples on the floor, and wormy plums upon the stairs, and piles of pears outside the door; and they are boiling pulp and juice, and you may hear them yell and hoot; a man"s existence is the deuce--the women folk are canning fruit!
ODE TO KANSAS
Kansas: Where we"ve torn the shackles From the farmer"s leg; Kansas: Where the hen that cackles, Always lays an egg; Where the cows are fairly achin"
To go on with record breakin", And the hogs are raising bacon By the keg!
DOMESTIC HAPPINESS
It is good to watch dear father as he blithely skips along, on his face no sign of bother, on his lips a cheerful song; peeling spuds and sc.r.a.ping fishes, putting doilies on the chairs, sweeping floors and washing dishes, busy with his household cares. Now the kitchen fire is burning; to get supper he will start--mother soon will be returning from her labors in the mart.
Poor tired mother! Daily toiling to provide our meat and bread! Where the eager crowd is moiling, struggling on with weary tread! Battling with stockjobbing ladies, meeting all their wiles and tricks, or embarking in the Hades of the city"s politics! But forgotten is the pother, all the work day cares are gone, when she comes home to dear father with his nice clean ap.r.o.n on! There"s your chair, he says; "sit in it; supper will be cooked eftsoons: I will dish it in a minute--scrambled eggs and shredded prunes." It is good to watch him moving round the stove with eager zeal, in his every action proving that his love goes with the meal.
When the evening meal is eaten and the things are cleared away, then we sit around repeatin" cares and triumphs of the day; and the high resounding rafter echoes to our harmless jokes, to our buoyant peals of laughter, while tired mother sits and smokes. Thus her jaded mind relaxes in an atmosphere so gay, and she thinks no more of taxes or of bills that she must pay; smiles are soon her face adorning, in our nets of love enmeshed, and she goes to work next morning like a giantess refreshed.
CELEBRITIES
He had written lovely verses, touching hollyhocks and hea.r.s.es, lotus-eaters, ladies, lilies, porcupines and pigs and pies, nothing human was beyond him, and admiring people conned him, adoration in their bosoms and a rapture in their eyes. He had sung of figs and quinces in the tents of Bedouin princes, he"d embalmed the Roman Forum and the Parthenon of Greece; many of his odes were written in the shrouding fogs of Britain, while he watched the suffrage ladies mixing things with the police.
So we met to do him honor; worshipper and eager fawner begged a ta.s.sel of his whiskers, or his autograph in ink; never was there so much sighin" round a pallid human lion, as he stood his lines explaining, taking out the hitch and kink!
All were in a joyous flutter, till we heard some fellow mutter: "Here comes Griggs, the southpaw pitcher, fairly burdened with his fame! He it was who beat the Phillies--gave the Quaker bugs the w.i.l.l.i.e.s--he it was who saved our bacon in that "leven-inning game!"
Then we crowded round the pitcher, making that great man the richer by a ton of adulation, in a red-hot fervor flung; and the poet, in a pickle, mused upon the false and fickle plaudits of the heartless rabble, till the dinner gong was rung!
THE VIRTUOUS EDITOR
I use my Trenchant, fertile pen to help along the cause of men and make the sad world brighter, to give all good ambitions wings, to help the poor to better things and make their burdens lighter. The page whereon my screeds appear envoys a sacred atmosphere; it"s helpful and uplifting; it hands out morals by the ton, and shows the people how to shun the rocks to which they"re drifting.
You say my other pages reek with filthy "cures for cancer"?
Impertinently, sir, you speak, and I refuse to answer.
All causes good and true and pure, and everything that should endure I"m always found supporting; and in my lighter moments I to heights of inspiration fly, the soft-eyed muses courting. To those who wander far astray I, like a shepherd, point the way to paths and fields Elysian; no sordid motives soil my pen as I a.s.sist my fellow men, no meanness mars my vision.
You say I print too many ads, unfit for youths" perusal, of fakers"
pills and liver pads? I gave you one refusal to argue that, so quit your fuss and cease your foolish chatter; it is beneath me to discuss a purely business matter.
I point out all the shabby tricks which now disgrace our politics, those tricks which shame the devil; I ask the voters to deface corruption and our country place upon a higher level. Through endless wastes of words I roam to make the Fireside and the Home the nation"s shrine and glory; and Purity must ring again in every offspring of my pen, in every screed and story.
You say my paper isn"t fit for aught but toughs and muckers? That all the fakers come to it when they would fleece the suckers? Your criticism takes the buns! It"s surely most surprising! You"ll have to see the man who runs the foreign advertising.