He went home and put them in the front closet with the wooden crate. He thought of what would happen if the police came here with a search warrant. Guns in the garage, explosives in the living room, a large amount of cash in the kitchen. B. G. Dawes, desperate revolutionary. Secret Agent X-9, in the pay of a foreign cartel too hideous to be mentioned. He had a subscription to Reader"s Digest, Reader"s Digest, which was filled with such spy stories, along with an endless series of crusades, anti-smoking, anti-p.o.r.nography, anti-crime. It was always more frightening when the purported spy was a suburban WASP, one of us. KGB agents in Willmette or Des Moines, pa.s.sing microdots in the drugstore lending library, plotting violent overthrow of the republic at drive-in movies, eating Big Macs with one tooth hollowed out so as to contain prussic acid. which was filled with such spy stories, along with an endless series of crusades, anti-smoking, anti-p.o.r.nography, anti-crime. It was always more frightening when the purported spy was a suburban WASP, one of us. KGB agents in Willmette or Des Moines, pa.s.sing microdots in the drugstore lending library, plotting violent overthrow of the republic at drive-in movies, eating Big Macs with one tooth hollowed out so as to contain prussic acid.
Yes, a search warrant and they would crucify him. But he was not really afraid anymore. Things seemed to have progressed beyond that point.
January 15, 1974
"Tell me what you want," Magliore said wearily.
It was sleeting outside; the afternoon was gray and sad, a day when any city bus lurching out of the gray, membranous weather, spewing up slush in all directions with its huge tires, would seem like a figment of a manic-depressive"s fantasies, when the very act of living seemed slightly psycho.
"My house? My car? My wife? Anything, Dawes. Just leave me alone in my declining years."
"Look," he said, embarra.s.sed, "I know I"m being a pest."
"He knows he"s being a pest," Magliore told the walls. He raised his hands and then let them fall back to his meaty thighs. "Then why in the name of Christ don"t you stop?"
"This is the last thing."
Magliore rolled his eyes. "This ought to be beautiful," he told the walls. "What is it?"
He pulled out some bills and said, "There"s eighteen thousand dollars here. Three thousand would be for you. A finder"s fee."
"Who do you want found?"
"A girl in Las Vegas."
"The fifteen"s for her?"
"Yes. I"d like you to take it and invest it in whatever operations you run that are good to invest in. And pay her dividends. "
"Legitimate operations?"
"Whatever will pay the best dividends. I trust your judgment."
"He trusts my judgment," Magliore informed the walls. "Vegas is a big town, Mr. Dawes. A transient town."
"Don"t you have connections there?"
"As a matter of fact I do. But if we"re talking about some half-baked hippie girl who may have already cut out for San Francisco or Denver-"
"She goes by the name of Olivia Brenner. And I think she"s still in Las Vegas. She was last working in a fast-food restaurant-"
"Of which there are at least two million in Vegas," Magliore said. "Jesus! Mary! Joseph the carpenter!"
"She has an apartment with another girl, or at least she did when I talked to her the last time. I don"t know where. She"s about five-eight, darkish hair, green eyes. Good figure. Twenty-one years old. Or so she says."
"And suppose I can"t locate this marvelous piece of a.s.s?"
"Invest the money and keep the dividends yourself. Call it nuisance pay."
"How do you know I won"t do that anyway?"
He stood up, leaving the bills on Magliore"s desk. "I guess I don"t. But you have an honest face."
"Listen," Magliore said. "I don"t mean to bite your a.s.s. You"re a man who"s already getting his a.s.s bitten. But I don"t like this. It"s like you"re making me executor to your f.u.c.king last will and testament."
"Say no if you have to."
"No, no, no, you don"t get it. If she"s still in Vegas and going under this Olivia Brenner name I think I can find her and three grand is more than fair. It doesn"t hurt me one way or the other. But you spook me, Dawes. You"re really locked on course. "
"Yes. "
Magliore frowned down at the pictures of himself, his wife, and his children under the gla.s.s top of his desk.
"All right," Magliore said. "This one last time, all right. But no more, Dawes. Absolutely not. If I ever see you again or hear you on the phone, you can forget it. I mean that. I got enough problems of my own without diddling around in yours. "
"I agree to that condition."
He stuck out his hand, not sure that Magliore would shake it, but Magliore did.
"You make no sense to me," Magliore said. "Why should I like a guy who makes no sense to me?"
"It"s a senseless world," he said. "If you doubt it, just think about Mr. Piazzi"s dog."
"I think about her a lot," Magliore said.
January 16, 1974
He took the manila envelope containing the checkbook down to the post office box on the comer and mailed it. That evening he went to see a movie called The Exorcist The Exorcist because Max von Sydow was in it and he had always admired Max von Sydow a great deal. In one scene of the movie a little girl puked in a Catholic priest"s face. Some people in the back row cheered. because Max von Sydow was in it and he had always admired Max von Sydow a great deal. In one scene of the movie a little girl puked in a Catholic priest"s face. Some people in the back row cheered.
January 17, 1974
Mary called on the phone. She sounded absurdly relieved, gay, and that made everything much easier.
"You sold the house," she said.
"That"s right. "
"But you"re still there."
"Only until Sat.u.r.day. I"ve rented a big farmhouse in the country. I"m going to try and get my act back together."
"Oh, Bart. That"s so wonderful. I"m so glad." He realized why it was being so easy. She was being phony. She wasn"t glad or not glad. She had given up. " About the checkbook "
"Yes."
"You split the money right down the middle, didn"t you?"
"Yes I did. If you want to check, you can call Mr. Fenner. "
"No. Oh, I didn"t mean that." that." And he could almost see her making pushingaway gestures with her hands. "What I meant was you separating the money like that does it mean " And he could almost see her making pushingaway gestures with her hands. "What I meant was you separating the money like that does it mean "
She trailed off artfully and he thought: Ow, you b.i.t.c.h, you got me. Bull"s eye. Ow, you b.i.t.c.h, you got me. Bull"s eye.
"Yes, I guess it does," he said. "Divorce."
"Have you thought about it?" she asked earnestly, phonily. "Have you really-" really-"
"I"ve thought about it a lot."
"So have I. It seems like the only thing left to do. But I don"t hold anything against you, Bart. I"m not mad at you."
My G.o.d, she"s been reading all those paperback novels. Next she"ll tell me she"s going back to school. He was surprised at his bitterness. He thought he had gotten past that part. He was surprised at his bitterness. He thought he had gotten past that part.
"What will you do?"
"I"m going back to school," she said, and now there was no phoniness in her voice, now it was excited, shining. "I dug out my old transcript, it was still up in Mamma"s attic with all my old clothes, and do you know I only need twenty-four credits to graduate? Bart, that"s hardly more than a year!"
He saw Mary crawling through her mother"s attic and the image blended with one of himself sitting bewildered in a pile of Charlie"s clothes. He shut it out.
"Bart? Are you still there?"
"Yes. I"m glad being single again is going to fulfill you so nicely."
"Bart," she said reproachfully.
But there was no need to snap at her now, to tease her or make her feel bad.
Things had gone beyond that. Mr. Piazzi"s dog, having bitten, moves on. That struck him funny and he giggled.
"Bart, are you crying?" She sounded tender. Phony, but tender.
"No," he said bravely.
"Bart, is there anything I can do? If there is, I want to. "
"No. I think I"m going to be fine. And I"m glad you"re going back to school. Listen, this divorce-who gets it? You or me?"
"I think it would look better if I did," she said timidly.
"Okay. Fine."
There was a pause between them and suddenly she blurted into it, as if the words had escaped without her knowledge or approval: "Have you slept with anyone since I left?"
He thought the question over, and ways of answering: the truth, a lie, an evasion that might keep her awake tonight.
"No," he said carefully, and added: "Have you?"
"Of course not, " she said, managing to sound shocked and pleased at the same time. "I wouldn"t."
"You will eventually."
"Bart, let"s not talk about s.e.x."
"All right, " he said placidly enough, although it was she who had brought the subject up. He kept searching for something nice to say to her, something that she would remember. He couldn"t think of a thing, and furthermore didn"t know why he would want her to remember him at all, at least at this stage of things. They had had good years before. He was sure they must have been good because he couldn"t remember much of what had happened in them, except maybe the crazy TV bet.
He heard himself say: "Do you remember when we took Charlie to nursery school the first time?"
"Yes. He cried and you wanted to take him back with us. You didn"t want to let him go, Bart. "
"And you did."
She was saying something disclaiming in a slightly wounded tone, but he was remembering the scene. The lady who kept the nursery school was Mrs. Ricker. She had a certificate from the state, and she gave all the children a nice hot lunch before sending them home at one o"clock. School was kept downstairs in a madeover bas.e.m.e.nt and as they led Charlie down between them, he felt like a traitor; like a farmer petting a cow and saying Soo, Bess on the way to the slaughterhouse. He had been a beautiful boy, his Charlie. Blond hair that had darkened later, blue, watchful eyes, hands that had been clever even as a toddler. And he had stood between them at the bottom of the stairs, stock-still, watching the other children who were whooping and running and coloring and cutting colored paper with bluntnosed scissors, so many many of them, and Charlie had never looked so vulnerable as he did in that instant, just watching the other children. There was no joy or fear in his eyes, only the watchfulness, a kind of of them, and Charlie had never looked so vulnerable as he did in that instant, just watching the other children. There was no joy or fear in his eyes, only the watchfulness, a kind of outsiderness, outsiderness, and he had never felt so much his son"s father as then, never so close to the actual run of his thoughts. And Mrs. Ricker came over, smiling like a barracuda and she said: and he had never felt so much his son"s father as then, never so close to the actual run of his thoughts. And Mrs. Ricker came over, smiling like a barracuda and she said: We"ll have such fun, Chuck, We"ll have such fun, Chuck, making him want to cry out: making him want to cry out: That"s not his name! That"s not his name! And when she put out her hand Charlie did not take it but only watched it so she stole his hand and began to pull him a little toward the others, and he went willingly two steps and then stopped, looked back at them, and Mrs. Young said very quietly: And when she put out her hand Charlie did not take it but only watched it so she stole his hand and began to pull him a little toward the others, and he went willingly two steps and then stopped, looked back at them, and Mrs. Young said very quietly: Go right along, he"ll be fine. Go right along, he"ll be fine. And Mary finally had to poke him and say And Mary finally had to poke him and say Come ON, Bart Come ON, Bart because he was frozen looking at his son, his son"s eyes saying, because he was frozen looking at his son, his son"s eyes saying, Are you going to let them do this to me, George? Are you going to let them do this to me, George? and his own eyes saying back, and his own eyes saying back, Yes, I guess 1 am, Freddy Yes, I guess 1 am, Freddy and he and Mary started up the stairs, showing Charlie their backs, the most dreadful thing a little child can see, and Charlie began to wail. But Mary"s footsteps never faltered because a woman"s love is strange and cruel and nearly always clear-sighted, love that sees is always horrible love, and she knew walking away was right and so she walked, dismissing the cries as only another part of the boy"s development, like smiles from gas or sc.r.a.ped knees. And he had felt a pain in his chest so sharp, so physical, that he had wondered if he was having a heart attack, and then the pain had just pa.s.sed, leaving him shaken and unable to interpret it, but now he thought that the pain had been plain old prosaic good-bye. Parents" backs aren"t the most dreadful thing. The most dreadful thing of all is the speed with which children dismiss those same backs and turn to their own affairs-to the game, the puzzle, the new friend, and eventually to death. Those were the awful things he had come to know now. Charlie had begun dying long before he got sick, and there was no putting a stop to it. and he and Mary started up the stairs, showing Charlie their backs, the most dreadful thing a little child can see, and Charlie began to wail. But Mary"s footsteps never faltered because a woman"s love is strange and cruel and nearly always clear-sighted, love that sees is always horrible love, and she knew walking away was right and so she walked, dismissing the cries as only another part of the boy"s development, like smiles from gas or sc.r.a.ped knees. And he had felt a pain in his chest so sharp, so physical, that he had wondered if he was having a heart attack, and then the pain had just pa.s.sed, leaving him shaken and unable to interpret it, but now he thought that the pain had been plain old prosaic good-bye. Parents" backs aren"t the most dreadful thing. The most dreadful thing of all is the speed with which children dismiss those same backs and turn to their own affairs-to the game, the puzzle, the new friend, and eventually to death. Those were the awful things he had come to know now. Charlie had begun dying long before he got sick, and there was no putting a stop to it.
"Bart?" she was saying. "Are you still there, Bart?"
"I"m here."
"What good are you doing yourself thinking about Charlie all the time? It"s eating you up. You"re his prisoner."
"But you"re free," he said. "Yes."
"Shall I see the lawyer next week?"
"Okay. Fine."
"It doesn"t have to be nasty, does it, Bart?"
"No. It will be very civilized."
"You won"t change your mind and contest it?"
"No."
"I"ll I"ll be talking to you, then."
"You knew it was time to leave him and so you did. I wish to G.o.d I could be that instinctive."