"Can I marry him?"
"No," said conscience again; "not without deserting your post, not without betraying your trust."
What post? What trust? Ah, conscience was ready enough with the answer.
Was it not just ten years since, as a girl of sixteen, prematurely old and thoughtful, she had sat beside her father"s deathbed, while her delicate hysterical mother, in a state of utter collapse, was kept away from him by the doctors? She could see the drawn face, the restless melancholy eyes. "Catherine, my darling, you are the strong one. They will look to you. Support them." And she could see in imagination her own young face pressed against the pillows. "Yes, father, always--always!"--"Catherine, life is harder, the narrow way narrower than ever. I die"--and memory caught still the piteous, long-drawn breath by which the voice was broken--"in much--much perplexity about many things. You have a clear soul, an iron will. Strengthen the others.
Bring them safe to the day of account."--"Yes, father, with G.o.d"s help.
Oh, with G.o.d"s help!"
That long-past dialogue is clear and sharp to her now, as though it were spoken afresh in her ears. And how has she kept her pledge? She looks back humbly on her life of incessant devotion, on the tie of long dependence which has bound to her her weak and widowed mother, on her relations to her sisters, the efforts she has made to train them in the spirit of her father"s life and beliefs.
Have those efforts reached their term? Can it be said in any sense that her work is done, her promise kept?
Oh, no--no! she cries to herself with vehemence. Her mother depends on her every day and hour for protection, comfort, enjoyment. The girls are at the opening of life,--Agnes twenty, Rose eighteen, with all experience to come. And Rose---- Ah! at the thought of Rose, Catherine"s heart sinks deeper and deeper--she feels a culprit before her father"s memory. What is it has gone so desperately wrong with her training of the child? Surely she has given love enough, anxious thought enough, and here is Rose only fighting to be free from the yoke of her father"s wishes, from the galling pressure of the family tradition!
No. Her task has just now reached its most difficult, its most critical, moment. How can she leave it? Impossible.
What claim can she put against these supreme claims--of her promise, her mother"s and sisters" need?
_His_ claim? Oh, no--no! She admits with soreness and humiliation unspeakable that she has done him wrong. If he loves her she has opened the way thereto; she confesses in her scrupulous honesty that when the inevitable withdrawal comes she will have given him cause to think of her hardly, slightingly. She flinches painfully under the thought. But it does not alter the matter. This girl, brought up in the austerest school of Christian self-government, knows nothing of the divine rights of pa.s.sion. Half modern literature is based upon them. Catherine Leyburn knew of no supreme right but the right of G.o.d to the obedience of man.
Oh, and besides--besides--it is impossible that he should care so very much. The time is so short--there is so little in her, comparatively, to attract a man of such resource, such attainments, such access to the best things of life.
She cannot--in a kind of terror--she _will_ not, believe in her own love-worthiness, in her own power to deal a lasting wound.
Then her _own_ claim? Has she any claim, has the poor bounding heart that she cannot silence, do what she will, through all this strenuous debate, no claim to satisfaction, to joy?
She locks her hands round her knees, conscious, poor soul, that the worst struggle is _here_, the quickest agony _here_. But she does not waver for an instant. And her weapons are all ready. The inmost soul of her is a fortress well stored, whence at any moment the mere personal craving of the natural man can be met, repulsed, slain.
"_Man approacheth so much the nearer unto G.o.d the farther he departeth from all earthly comfort._"
"_If thou couldst perfectly annihilate thyself and empty thyself of all created love, then should I be constrained to flow into thee with greater abundance of grace._"
"_When thou lookest unto the creature the sight of the Creator is withdrawn from thee._"
"_Learn in all things to overcome thyself for the love of thy Creator...._"
She presses the sentence she has so often meditated in her long solitary walks about the mountains into her heart. And one fragment of George Herbert especially rings in her ears, solemnly, funereally--
"Thy Saviour sentenced joy!"
Ay, sentenced it for ever--the personal craving, the selfish need, that must be filled at any cost. In the silence of the descending night Catherine quietly, with tears, carried out that sentence, and slew her young new-born joy at the feet of the Master.
She stayed where she was for a while after this crisis in a kind of bewilderment and stupor, but maintaining a perfect outward tranquillity.
Then there was a curious little epilogue.
"It is all over," she said to herself tenderly. "But he has taught me so much--he has been so good to me--he is so good! Let me take to my heart some counsel--some word of his, and obey it sacredly--silently--for these days" sake."
Then she fell thinking again, and she remembered their talk about Rose.
How often she had pondered it since! In this intense trance of feeling it breaks upon her finally that he is right. May it not be that he with his clearer thought, his wider knowledge of life, has laid his finger on the weak point in her guardianship of her sisters? "I have tried to stifle her pa.s.sion," she thought, "to push it out of the way as a hindrance. Ought I not rather to have taught her to make of it a step in the ladder--to have moved her to bring her gifts to the altar? Oh, let me take his word for it--be ruled by him in this one thing, once!"
She bowed her face on her knees again. It seemed to her that she had thrown herself at Elsmere"s feet, that her cheek was pressed against that young brown hand of his. How long the moment lasted she never knew.
When at last she rose stiff and weary, darkness was overtaking even the lingering northern twilight. The angry clouds had dropped lower on the moors; a few sheep beside the glimmering stone trough showed dimly white; the night wind was sighing through the untenanted valley and the scanty branches of the thorn. White mists lay along the hollow of the dale; they moved weirdly under the breeze. She could have fancied them a troop of wraiths to whom she had flung her warm crushed heart, and who were bearing it away to burial.
As she came slowly over the pa.s.s and down the Whindale side of the fell a clear purpose was in her mind. Agnes had talked to her only that morning of Rose and Rose"s desire, and she had received the news with her habitual silence.
The house was lit up when she returned. Her mother had gone upstairs.
Catherine went to her, but even Mrs. Leyburn discovered that she looked worn out, and she was sent off to bed. She went along the pa.s.sage quickly to Rose"s room, listening a moment at the door. Yes, Rose was inside, crooning some German song, and apparently alone. She knocked and went in.
Rose was sitting on the edge of her bed, a white dressing-gown over her shoulders, her hair in a glorious confusion all about her. She was swaying backwards and forwards dreamily singing, and she started up when she saw Catherine.
"Roschen," said the elder sister, going up to her with a tremor of heart, and putting her motherly arms round the curly golden hair and the half-covered shoulders, "you never told me of that letter from Manchester, but Agnes did. Did you think, Roschen, I would never let you have your way? Oh, I am not so hard! I may have been wrong--I think I have been wrong; you shall do what you will, Roschen. If you want to go, I will ask mother."
Rose, pushing herself away with one hand, stood staring. She was struck dumb by this sudden breaking down of Catherine"s long resistance. And what a strange white Catherine! What did it mean? Catherine withdrew her arms with a little sigh and moved away.
"I just came to tell you that, Roschen," she said, "but I am very tired and must not stay."
Catherine "very tired"! Rose thought the skies must be falling.
"Cathie!" she cried, leaping forward just as her sister gained the door.
"Oh, Cathie, you are an angel, and I am a nasty, odious little wretch.
But oh, tell me, what is the matter?"
And she flung her strong young arms round Catherine with a pa.s.sionate strength.
The elder sister struggled to release herself.
"Let me go, Rose," she said in a low voice. "Oh, you _must_ let me go!"
And wrenching herself free, she drew her hand over her eyes as though trying to drive away the mist from them.
"Good-night! Sleep well."
And she disappeared, shutting the door noiselessly after her. Rose stood staring a moment, and then swept off her feet by a flood of many feelings--remorse, love, fear, sympathy--threw herself face downwards on her bed and burst into a pa.s.sion of tears.
CHAPTER VIII
Catherine was much perplexed as to how she was to carry out her resolution; she pondered over it through much of the night. She was painfully anxious to make Elsmere understand without a scene, without a definite proposal and a definite rejection. It was no use letting things drift. Something brusque and marked there must be. She quietly made her dispositions.
It was long after the gray vaporous morning stole on the hills before she fell lightly, restlessly asleep. To her healthful youth a sleepless night was almost unknown. She wondered through the long hours of it, whether now, like other women, she had had her story, pa.s.sed through her one supreme moment, and she thought of one or two worthy old maids she knew in the neighbourhood with a new and curious pity. Had any of them, too, gone down into Marrisdale and come up widowed indeed?
All through, no doubt, there was a certain melancholy pride in her own spiritual strength. "It was not mine," she would have said with perfect sincerity, "but G.o.d"s." Still, whatever its source, it had been there at command, and the reflection carried with it a sad sense of security. It was as though a soldier after his first skirmish should congratulate himself on being bulletproof.
To be sure, there was an intense trouble and disquiet in the thought that she and Mr. Elsmere must meet again, probably many times. The period of his original invitation had been warmly extended by the Thornburghs. She believed he meant to stay another week or ten days in the valley. But in the spiritual exaltation of the night she felt herself equal to any conflict, any endurance, and she fell asleep, the hands clasped on her breast expressing a kind of resolute patience, like those of some old sepulchral monument.
The following morning Elsmere examined the clouds and the barometer with abnormal interest. The day was sunless and lowering, but not raining, and he represented to Mrs. Thornburgh, with a hypocritical a.s.sumption of the practical man, that with rugs and mackintoshes it was possible to picnic on the dampest gra.s.s. But he could not make out the vicar"s wife.