But only for the moment. In another minute or two the argument, begun so casually, had developed into a serious trial of strength, in which the squire and young Wishart took the chief parts, while Mr. Spooner threw in a laugh and a sarcasm here and there.
And as long as Mr. Wendover talked, Madame de Netteville listened.
Robert"s restless repulsion to the whole incident, his pa.s.sionate wish to escape from these phrases and ill.u.s.trations and turns of argument which were all so wearisomely stale and familiar to him, found no support in her. Mrs. Darcy dared not second his attempts at chat, for Mr. Wendover, on the rare occasions when he held forth, was accustomed to be listened to; and Elsmere was of too sensitive a social fibre to break up the party by an abrupt exit, which could only have been interpreted in one way.
So he stayed, and perforce listened, but in complete silence. None of Mr. Wendover"s side-hits touched him. Only as the talk went on, the rector in the background got paler and paler; his eyes, as they pa.s.sed from the mobile face of the Catholic convert, already, for those who knew, marked with the signs of death, to the bronzed visage of the squire, grew duller--more instinct with a slowly-dawning despair.
Half an hour later he was once more on the road leading to the park gate. He had a vague memory that at parting the squire had shown him the cordiality of one suddenly anxious to apologise by manner, if not by word. Otherwise everything was forgotten. He was only anxious, half dazed as he was, to make out wherein lay the vital difference between his present self and the Elsmere who had pa.s.sed along that road an hour before.
He had heard a conversation on religious topics, wherein nothing was new to him, nothing affected him intellectually at all. What was there in that to break the spring of life like this? He stood still, heavily trying to understand himself.
Then gradually it became clear to him. A month ago, every word of that hectic young pleader for Christ and the Christian certainties would have roused in him a leaping pa.s.sionate sympathy--the heart"s yearning a.s.sent, even when the intellect was most perplexed. Now that inmost strand had given way. Suddenly the disintegrating force he had been so pitifully, so blindly, holding at bay had penetrated once for all into the sanctuary! What had happened to him had been the first real failure of _feeling_, the first treachery of the _heart_. Wishart"s hopes and hatreds, and sublime defiances of man"s petty faculties, had aroused in him no echo, no response. His soul had been dead within him.
As he gained the shelter of the wooded lane beyond the gate it seemed to Robert that he was going through, once more, that old fierce temptation of Bunyan"s,--
"For after the Lord had in this manner thus graciously delivered me, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His Holy Gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ, the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before. And that was, "To sell and part with this most blessed Christ; to exchange Him for the things of life, for anything!" The temptation lay upon me for the s.p.a.ce of a year, and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eyes to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come: "Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that, sell Him, sell Him!""
Was this what lay before the minister of G.o.d now in this _selva oscura_ of life? The selling of the Master, of "the love so sweet, the unction spiritual," for an intellectual satisfaction, the ravaging of all the fair places of the heart by an intellectual need!
And still through all the despair, all the revolt, all the pain, which made the summer air a darkness, and closed every sense in him to the evening beauty, he felt the irresistible march and pressure of the new instincts, the new forces, which life and thought had been calling into being. The words of St. Augustine which he had read to Catherine, taken in a strange new sense, came back to him--"Commend to the keeping of the Truth whatever the Truth hath given thee, and thou shalt lose nothing!"
Was it the summons of Truth which was rending the whole nature in this way?
Robert stood still, and with his hands locked behind him, and his face turned like the face of a blind man towards a world of which it saw nothing, went through a desperate catechism of himself.
"_Do I believe in G.o.d?_ Surely, surely! "Though He slay me yet will I trust in Him!" _Do I believe in Christ?_ Yes,--in the teacher, the martyr, the symbol to us Westerns of all things heavenly and abiding, the image and pledge of the invisible life of the spirit--with all my soul and all my mind!
"_But in the Man-G.o.d_, the Word from Eternity,--in a wonder-working Christ, in a risen and ascended Jesus, in the living Intercessor and Mediator for the lives of His doomed brethren?"
He waited, conscious that it was the crisis of his history, and there rose in him, as though articulated one by one by an audible voice, words of irrevocable meaning.
"Every human soul in which the voice of G.o.d makes itself felt, enjoys, equally with Jesus of Nazareth, the divine sonship, and "_miracles do not happen!_""
It was done. He felt for the moment as Bunyan did after his lesser defeat.
"Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree into great guilt and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed I went moping in the field; but G.o.d knows with as heavy an heart as mortal man I think could bear, where for the s.p.a.ce of two hours I was like a man bereft of life."
All these years of happy spiritual certainty, of rejoicing oneness with Christ, to end in this wreck and loss! Was not this indeed "_il gran rifiuto_"--the greatest of which human daring is capable? The lane darkened round him. Not a soul was in sight. The only sounds were the sounds of a gently-breathing nature, sounds of birds and swaying branches and intermittent gusts of air rustling through the gorse and the drifts of last year"s leaves in the wood beside him. He moved mechanically onward, and presently, after the first flutter of desolate terror had pa.s.sed away, with a new inrushing sense which seemed to him a sense of liberty--of infinite expansion.
Suddenly the trees before him thinned, the ground sloped away, and there to the left on the westernmost edge of the hill lay the square stone rectory, its windows open to the evening coolness, a white flutter of pigeons round the dovecote on the side lawn, the gold of the August wheat in the great cornfield showing against the heavy girdle of oak-wood.
Robert stood gazing at it--the home consecrated by love, by effort, by faith. The high alternations of intellectual and spiritual debate, the strange emerging sense of deliverance, gave way to a most bitter human pang of misery.
"_O G.o.d! My wife--my work!_"
... There was a sound of a voice calling--Catherine"s voice calling for him. He leant against the gate of the wood-path, struggling sternly with himself. This was no simple matter of his own intellectual consistency or happiness. Another"s whole life was concerned. Any precipitate speech, or hasty action, would be a crime. A man is bound above all things to protect those who depend on him from his own immature or revocable impulses. Not a word yet, till this sense of convulsion and upheaval had pa.s.sed away, and the mind was once more its own master.
He opened the gate and went towards her. She was strolling along the path looking out for him, one delicate hand gathering up her long evening dress--that very same black brocade she had worn in the old days at Burwood--the other playing with their Dandie Dinmont puppy who was leaping beside her. As she caught sight of him, there was the flashing smile, the hurrying step. And he felt he could but just drag himself to meet her.
"Robert, how long you have been! I thought you must have stayed to dinner after all! And how tired you seem!"
"I had a long walk," he said, catching her hand, as it slipped itself under his arm, and clinging to it as though to a support. "And I am tired. There is no use whatever in denying it."
His voice was light, but if it had not been so dark she must have been startled by his face. As they went on towards the house, however, she scolding him for over-walking, he won his battle with himself. He went through the evening so that even Catherine"s jealous eyes saw nothing but extra fatigue. In the most desperate straits of life love is still the fountain of all endurance, and if ever a man loved it was Robert Elsmere.
But that night, as he lay sleepless in their quiet room, with the window open to the stars and to the rising gusts of wind, which blew the petals of the cl.u.s.ter-rose outside in drifts of "fair weather snow" on to the window-sill, he went through an agony which no words can adequately describe.
He must, of course, give up his living and his orders. His standards and judgments had always been simple and plain in these respects. In other men it might be right and possible that they should live on in the ministry of the Church, doing the humane and charitable work of the Church, while refusing a.s.sent to the intellectual and dogmatic framework on which the Church system rests; but for himself it would be neither right nor wrong, but simply impossible. He did not argue or reason about it. There was a favourite axiom of Mr. Grey"s which had become part of his pupil"s spiritual endowment, and which was perpetually present to him at this crisis of his life, in the spirit, if not in the letter--"_Conviction is the Conscience of the Mind._" And with this intellectual conscience he was no more capable of trifling than with the moral conscience.
The night pa.s.sed away. How the rare intermittent sounds impressed themselves upon him!--the stir of the child"s waking soon after midnight in the room overhead; the cry of the owls on the oak-wood; the purring of the night-jars on the common; the morning chatter of the swallows round the eaves.
With the first invasion of the dawn Robert raised himself and looked at Catherine. She was sleeping with that light sound sleep which belongs to health of body and mind, one hand under her face, the other stretched out in soft relaxation beside her. Her husband hung over her in a bewilderment of feeling. Before him pa.s.sed all sorts of incoherent pictures of the future; the mind was caught by all manner of incongruous details in that saddest uprooting which lay before him. How her sleep, her ignorance, reproached him! He thought of the wreck of all her pure ambitions--for him, for their common work, for the people she had come to love; the ruin of her life of charity and tender usefulness, the darkening of all her hopes, the shaking of all her trust. Two years of devotion, of exquisite self-surrender, had brought her to this! It was for this he had lured her from the shelter of her hills, for this she had opened to him all her sweet stores of faith, all the deepest springs of her womanhood. Oh, how she must suffer! The thought of it and his own helplessness wrung his heart.
Oh, could he keep her love through it all? There was an unspeakable dread mingled with his grief--his remorse. It had been there for months.
In her eyes would not only pain but sin divide them? Could he possibly prevent her whole relation to him from altering and dwindling?
It was to be the problem of his remaining life. With a great cry of the soul to that G.o.d it yearned and felt for through all the darkness and ruin which encompa.s.sed it, he laid his hand on hers with the timidest pa.s.sing touch.
"Catherine, I will make amends! My wife, I will make amends!"
CHAPTER XXVII
The next morning Catherine, finding that Robert still slept on after their usual waking time, and remembering his exhaustion of the night before, left him softly, and kept the house quiet that he might not be disturbed. She was in charge of the now toddling Mary in the dining-room when the door opened and Robert appeared.
At sight of him she sprang up with a half-cry; the face seemed to have lost all its fresh colour, its look of sun and air; the eyes were sunk; the lips and chin lined and drawn. It was like a face from which the youth had suddenly been struck out.
"Robert!---" but her question died on her lips.
"A bad night, darling, and a bad headache," he said, groping his way, as it seemed to her, to the table, his hand leaning on her arm. "Give me some breakfast."
She restrained herself at once, put him into an armchair by the window, and cared for him in her tender noiseless way. But she had grown almost as pale as he, and her heart was like lead.
"Will you send me off for the day to Thurston ponds?" he said presently, trying to smile with lips so stiff and nerveless that the will had small control over them.
"Can you walk so far? You did overdo it yesterday, you know. You have never got over Mile End, Robert."
But her voice had a note in it which in his weakness he could hardly bear. He thirsted to be alone again, to be able to think over quietly what was best for her--for them both. There must be a next step, and in her neighbourhood he was too feeble, too tortured, to decide upon it.
"No more, dear--no more," he said impatiently, as she tried to feed him; then he added as he rose: "Don"t make arrangements for our going next week, Catherine; it can"t be so soon."
Catherine looked at him with eyes of utter dismay. The sustaining hope of all these difficult weeks, which had slipped with such terrible unexpectedness into their happy life, was swept away from her.
"Robert, you _ought_ to go."