"I have too many things to arrange," he said sharply, almost irritably.
Then his tone changed: "Don"t urge it, Catherine."
His eyes in their weariness seemed to entreat her not to argue. She stooped and kissed him, her lips trembling.
"When do you want to go to Thurston?"
"As soon as possible. Can you find me my fishing-basket and get me some sandwiches? I shall only lounge there and take it easy."
She did everything for him that wifely hands could do. Then when his fishing-basket was strapped on, and his lunch was slipped into the capacious pocket of the well-worn shooting coat, she threw her arms round him.
"Robert, you will come away _soon_."
He roused himself and kissed her.
"I will," he said simply, withdrawing, however, from her grasp as though he could not bear those close pleading eyes. "Good-bye! I shall be back some time in the afternoon."
From her post beside the study window she watched him take the short cut across the cornfield. She was miserable, and all at sea. A week ago he had been so like himself again, and now----! Never had she seen him in anything like this state of physical and mental collapse.
"Oh, Robert," she cried under her breath, with an abandonment like a child"s, strong soul that she was, "why _won"t_ you tell me, dear? Why won"t you let me share? I might help you through--I might."
She supposed he must be again in trouble of mind. A weaker woman would have implored, tormented, till she knew all. Catherine"s very strength and delicacy of nature, and that respect which was inbred in her for the _sacra_ of the inner life, stood in her way. She could not catechise him, and force his confidence on this subject of all others. It must be given freely. And oh! it was so long in coming!
Surely, surely, it must be mainly physical, the result of over-strain--expressing itself in characteristic mental worry, just as daily life reproduces itself in dreams. The worldly man suffers at such times through worldly things, the religious man through his religion.
Comforting herself a little with thoughts of this kind, and with certain more or less vague preparations for departure, Catherine got through the morning as best she might.
Meanwhile, Robert was trudging along to Thurston under a sky which, after a few threatening showers, promised once more to be a sky of intense heat. He had with him all the tackle necessary for spooning pike, a sport the novelty and success of which had hugely commended it the year before to those Esau-like instincts Murewell had so much developed in him.
And now--oh the weariness of the August warmth, and the long stretches of sandy road! By the time he reached the ponds he was tired out; but instead of stopping at the largest of the three, where a picturesque group of old brick cottages brought a reminder of man and his works into the prairie solitude of the common, he pushed on to a smaller pool just beyond, now hidden in a green cloud of birch-wood. Here, after pushing his way through the closely-set trees, he made some futile attempts at fishing, only to put up his rod long before the morning was over and lay it beside him on the bank. And there he sat for hours, vaguely watching the reflection of the clouds, the gambols and quarrels of the waterfowl, the ways of the birds, the alternations of sun and shadow on the softly-moving trees,--the real self of him pa.s.sing all the while through an interminable inward drama, starting from the past, stretching to the future, steeped in pa.s.sion, in pity, in regret.
He thought of the feelings with which he had taken orders, of Oxford scenes and Oxford persons, of the efforts, the pains, the successes of his first year at Murewell. What a ghastly mistake it had all been! He felt a kind of sore contempt for himself, for his own lack of prescience, of self-knowledge. His life looked to him so shallow and worthless. How does a man ever retrieve such a false step? He groaned aloud as he thought of Catherine linked to one born to defeat her hopes, and all that natural pride that a woman feels in the strength and consistency of the man she loves. As he sat there by the water he touched the depths of self-humiliation.
As to religious belief, everything was a chaos. What might be to him the ultimate forms and condition of thought, the tired mind was quite incapable of divining. To every stage in the process of destruction it was feverishly alive. But its formative energy was for the moment gone.
The foundations were swept away, and everything must be built up afresh.
Only the _habit_ of faith held, the close instinctive clinging to a Power beyond sense--a Goodness, a Will, not man"s. The soul had been stripped of its old defences, but at his worst there was never a moment when Elsmere felt himself _utterly_ forsaken.
But his people--his work! Every now and then into the fragmentary debate still going on within him there would flash little pictures of Murewell.
The green, with the sun on the house-fronts, the awning over the village shop, the vane on the old "Manor-house," the familiar figures at the doors; his church, with every figure in the Sunday congregation as clear to him as though he were that moment in the pulpit; the children he had taught, the sick he had nursed, this or that weather-beaten or brutalised peasant whose history he knew, whose tragic secrets he had learnt,--all these memories and images clung about him as though with ghostly hands, asking, "Why will you desert us? You are ours--stay with us!"
Then his thoughts would run over the future, dwelling, with a tense realistic sharpness, on every detail which lay before him--the arrangements with his _loc.u.m tenens_, the interview with the bishop, the parting with the rectory. It even occurred to him to wonder what must be done with Martha and his mother"s cottage.
His mother? As he thought of her a wave of unutterable longing rose and broke. The difficult tears stood in his eyes. He had a strange conviction that at this crisis of his life she of _all_ human beings would have understood him best.
When would the squire know? He pictured the interview with him, divining, with the same abnormal clearness of inward vision, Mr.
Wendover"s start of mingled triumph and impatience--triumph in the new recruit, impatience with the Quixotic folly which could lead a man to look upon orthodox dogma as a thing real enough to be publicly renounced, or clerical pledges as more than a form of words. So henceforth he was on the same side with the squire, held by an indiscriminating world as bound to the same negations, the same hostilities! The thought roused in him a sudden fierceness of moral repugnance. The squire and Edward Langham--they were the only sceptics of whom he had ever had close and personal experience. And with all his old affection for Langham, all his frank sense of pliancy in the squire"s hands, yet in this strait of life how he shrinks from them both!--souls at war with life and man, without holiness, without perfume!
Is it the law of things? "Once loosen a man"s _religio_, once fling away the old binding elements, the old traditional restraints which have made him what he is, and moral deterioration is certain." How often he has heard it said! How often he has endorsed it! Is it true? His heart grows cold within him. What good man can ever contemplate with patience the loss, not of friends or happiness, but of his best self? What shall it profit a man, indeed, if he gain the whole world--the whole world of knowledge and speculation--and _lose his own soul_?
And then, for his endless comfort, there rose on the inward eye the vision of an Oxford lecture room, of a short st.u.r.dy figure, of a great brow over honest eyes, of words alive with moral pa.s.sion, of thought instinct with the beauty of holiness. Thank G.o.d for the saint in Henry Grey! Thinking of it, Robert felt his own self-respect re-born.
Oh! to see Grey in the flesh, to get his advice, his approval! Even though it was the depth of vacation, Grey was so closely connected with the town, as distinguished from the university, life of Oxford, it might be quite possible to find him at home. Elsmere suddenly determined to find out at once if he could be seen.
And if so, he would go over to Oxford at once. _This_ should be the next step, and he would say nothing to Catherine till afterwards. He felt himself so dull, so weary, so resourceless. Grey should help and counsel him, should send him back with a clearer brain--a quicker ingenuity of love, better furnished against her pain and his own.
Then everything else was forgotten; and he thought of nothing but that grisly moment of waking in the empty room, when still believing it night, he had put out his hand for his wife, and with a superst.i.tious pang had felt himself alone. His heart torn with a hundred inarticulate cries of memory and grief, he sat on beside the water, unconscious of the pa.s.sing of time, his gray eyes staring sightlessly at the wood-pigeons as they flew past him, at the occasional flash of a kingfisher, at the moving panorama of summer clouds above the trees opposite.
At last he was startled back to consciousness by the fall of a few heavy drops of warm rain. He looked at his watch. It was nearly four o"clock.
He rose, stiff and cramped with sitting, and at the same instant he saw beyond the birchwood on the open stretch of common a boy"s figure, which, after a step or two, he recognised as Ned Irwin.
"You here, Ned?" he said, stopping, the pastoral temper in him rea.s.serting itself at once. "Why aren"t you harvesting?"
"Please, sir, I finished with the Hall medders yesterday, and Mr.
Carter"s job don"t begin till to-morrow. He"s got a machine coming from Witley, he hev, and they won"t let him have it till Thursday, so I"ve been out after things for the club."
And opening the tin box strapped on his back, he showed the day"s capture of b.u.t.terflies, and some belated birds" eggs, the plunder of a bit of common where the turf for the winter"s burning was just being cut.
"Goatsucker, linnet, stonechat," said the rector, fingering them. "Well done for August, Ned. If you haven"t got anything better to do with them, give them to that small boy of Mr. Carter"s that"s been ill so long. He"d thank you for them, I know."
The lad nodded with a guttural sound of a.s.sent. Then his new-born scientific ardour seemed to struggle with his rustic costiveness of speech.
"I"ve been just watching a queer creetur," he said at last hurriedly; "I b"leeve he"s that un."
And he pulled out a well-thumbed handbook, and pointed to a cut of the gra.s.shopper warbler.
"Whereabouts?" asked Robert, wondering the while at his own start of interest.
"In that bit of common t"other side the big pond," said Ned, pointing, his brick-red countenance kindling into suppressed excitement.
"Come and show me!" said the rector, and the two went off together. And sure enough, after a little beating about, they heard the note which had roused the lad"s curiosity, the loud whirr of a creature that should have been a gra.s.shopper, and was not.
They stalked the bird a few yards, stooping and crouching, Robert"s eager hand on the boy"s arm, whenever the clumsy rustic movements made too much noise among the underwood. They watched it uttering its jarring imitative note on bush after bush, just dropping to the ground as they came near, and flitting a yard or two farther, but otherwise showing no sign of alarm at their presence. Then suddenly the impulse which had been leading him on died in the rector. He stood upright, with a long sigh.
"I must go home, Ned," he said abruptly. "Where are you off to?"
"Please, sir, there"s my sister at the cottage, her as married Jim, the under-keeper. I be going there for my tea."
"Come along, then, we can go together."
They trudged along in silence; presently Robert turned on his companion.
"Ned, this natural history has been a fine thing for you, my lad; mind you stick to it. That and good work will make a man of you. When I go away----"
The boy started and stopped dead, his dumb animal eyes fixed on his companion.
"You know I shall soon be going off on my holiday," said Robert, smiling faintly; adding hurriedly as the boy"s face resumed its ordinary expression: "But some day, Ned, I shall go for good. I don"t know whether you"ve been depending on me--you and some of the others. I think perhaps you have. If so, don"t depend on me, Ned, any more! It must all come to an end--everything must--_everything!_--except the struggle to be a man in the world, and not a beast--to make one"s heart clean and soft, and not hard and vile. That is the _one_ thing that matters, and lasts. Ah, never forget that, Ned! Never forget it!"
He stood still, towering over the slouching thick-set form beside him, his pale intensity of look giving a rare dignity and beauty to the face which owed so little of its attractiveness to comeliness of feature. He had the makings of a true shepherd of men, and his mind as he spoke was crossed by a hundred different currents of feeling--bitterness, pain, and yearning unspeakable. No man could feel the wrench that lay before him more than he.
Ned Irwin said not a word. His heavy lids were dropped over his deep-set eye; he stood motionless, nervously fiddling with his b.u.t.terfly net--awkwardness, and, as it seemed, irresponsiveness, in his whole att.i.tude.