"Something"s bothering you," she said.
"Something"s always bothering me."
"Why?"
He lifted a shoulder, dismissing the subject, then took a long gulp of his fresh drink. If he wasn"t careful, she thought, he"d get himself drunk. Unlike Stuart, Collin couldn"t hold his liquor.
"Maybe I can help."
"Oh, Bibi," he said with a long sigh as he lolled his head back and she watched the glorious length of his throat. "If you only knew."
"I"ll trade you my secret for yours."
A blond eyebrow shot skyward and he skewered her with a look that made her want to squirm against the pillows. "You"ve got a secret?"
"More than one."
"Interesting." He glanced to the shadowed doorway on the other side of the bed, then, leaving his drink on a rattan end table, climbed to his feet. "Tell me, Cousin, what are they?" Walking slowly, he crossed to the bed and stopped, looming above her. His crotch was at eye level and she tried not to stare and wonder if he was getting hard. Something in his manner had changed and the air in the room seemed close and thick. She had trouble breathing. She thought she heard a door creak open, but couldn"t really tell over the hammering of her heart. "Do these secrets have anything to do with me?"
She swallowed hard, then took a long drink. "Maybe."
"Don"t you know?" He reached down and tangled a finger in her hair, tugging a little. Deliciously painful.
She could barely breathe. "Collin-"
"Don"t."
"I have to," she admitted, knowing it was the time to unburden her heart.
"I don"t think-" It was as if he were struggling with himself, waging some inner battle. Because they were cousins-related-he had to deny any feelings he had for her. That was it!
"Just listen," she pleaded.
He sank onto the bed and his face was barely inches from hers. "What, darling?"
Her heart was thudding like a jackhammer, her breathing raspy and shallow. Had he really called her darling? Did he, too, care more than he"d admitted. "I-um..." Oh, G.o.d, what could she say? She smelled the expensive Kentucky blend on his breath, felt his finger slide from her hair along her chin to rest at her lips.
"You don"t have to say anything."
"I want want to, don"t you understand. It"s something that I...that I"ve been thinking for a long, long time." to, don"t you understand. It"s something that I...that I"ve been thinking for a long, long time."
"Oh, G.o.d."
"Collin, I-"
"Just do what you want to, Bibi," he said in a low voice that she barely recognized, a voiced filled with defeat.
She reached forward tentatively, her arms encircling his neck. "I want to kiss you."
"You don"t know what you"re asking," he said, closing his eyes.
"Just let me." She pressed her lips to his and felt him shudder. Her fingers dug into the muscles between his shoulders and he groaned. He wanted her, she could feel it! As if the wall of doubt he"d erected had suddenly fallen into rubble, he kissed her back. Hotly. Hungrily. Fiercely.
"Is this all you want? Just to kiss?"
She could hardly think between the alcohol and the magic of his touch. "Yes...no."
"Make up your mind, Bibi. It"s now or never."
"I want to-to-"
"What, darling?"
"Love you," she said weakly, saying the words that had hovered in her mind for a dozen years.
He groaned as if in agony, then twined his hands in her hair, jerked her face close to his, and kissed her so hard she couldn"t catch her breath. As if giving into a temptation he"d been denying for far too long, he slowly began unb.u.t.toning his shirt, displaying a chest of raw muscle without any disturbance of hair.
She was suddenly frightened, but his skin, glistening in the light from that single bulb, beckoned her.
"We can do anything at all. We"re all alone." He threw off his shirt and he was bare to the waist, all tight skin and corded muscles. With a half smile, he glanced to the open door and dark hallway that led to the kitchen.
"You think Stuart will be back-"
"Not for a while," Collin said, though his voice was strangled. "Don"t think about him." His dusky gaze found hers again and he circled her lips with a finger that smelled vaguely of smoke.
She touched the tip of her tongue to his skin and a soft moan escaped him. Inside she was turning hot and sticky and liquid, like honey warmed over open coals. She took more of his finger into her mouth, sucking loudly, making sensual noises that seemed to arouse him.
"That"s right, baby," he whispered, one hand tangling in her hair as he pressed soft lips to hers. His mouth was open, his tongue quick.
Hot jets of pa.s.sion spurted through her blood and she kissed him eagerly, tumbling back onto the bed as he pushed her down. His hands were strong, suddenly rough as he tore at the b.u.t.tons of her blouse.
The first niggle of doubt p.r.i.c.ked her cloudy mind. "Collin?"
"This is what you want, isn"t it?" he said. The fabric parted and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, tucked into the demure cups of a cotton bra, were exposed. He rubbed her chest hard with the flat of his big hand and her nipples peaked.
"Yes, but-" Where was the tenderness? The love? A dull roar started in her ears, sounding like the din of the sea, the same roar she heard whenever she was in trouble.
He ripped the blouse from her torso and she"d never felt more naked in her life. He was kissing her sloppily, wet and anxious, his fingers fumbling at the back fastening of her bra. This wasn"t right, she thought wildly as the hook gave way and he yanked the scanty fabric down her arms.
He was touching her, groaning, breathing fast, and yet it was as if he wasn"t really there, as if only his body was in the room, that his soul had departed.
"Collin, wait-" she whispered as his sweaty hands kneaded her back.
"Why?"
"I don"t know. I don"t think..."
"Don"t tell me you"re a tease, Bibi." He pulled his head away from hers to stare at her with condemning eyes. "Not you. Not with me."
"I said I just want to love you."
"You will," he said in a breathy voice, but glanced over her shoulder, as if he expected someone to barge in on them.
"I mean, I want to, really I do, but-"
He stood suddenly then and glared down at her as if she were a piece of meat-rotten and foul. "Get up."
"No-" The roar in her ears was deafening, and she noticed that when he looked at her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, his expression didn"t change, even though she"d been told before how spectacular they were. Large and full, crowned with big dark nipples, the two boys who had been given the privilege of viewing and touching them had raved about their beauty. Collin didn"t seem to notice, or to care, even when she crawled to the side of the bed and stood directly in front of him. No playful tweak, no guilty glance. Nothing.
"You can"t have it both ways, Bibi. Either you want to do it with me or you don"t. We can end it now or we can go all the way. It"s up to you." His voice was cold and harsh as a judge meting out a sentence.
"But you don"t want me," she accused him, swallowing hard, feeling hot tears shimmering in her eyes.
"Of course I do."
"No, something"s wrong."
He closed his eyes for a second, as if he was mentally counting to ten, trying to gain some self-control.
"You"re not the same."
"You"re right," he admitted as she covered herself with her hands. He glanced again to the doorway, as if he were attempting to find answers to their dilemma. "This is hard for me, too. I"m not sure it"s right."
"Because we"re cousins."
"No," he said, hesitating and biting his lip as he had during childhood whenever he was faced with hard decisions. "Because I care about you." He seemed sincere, though he didn"t meet her gaze. "I don"t like the idea of using you."
"You won"t."
"Oh, Bibi-"
"I won"t let you." Sadness converged on his features and he squeezed his eyes shut, as if his sudden attack of n.o.bility were too much to bear. This was the Collin she loved, this was her hero. "It"s all right."
"No, Bibi, you don"t understand."
"Sure I do." She shifted, holding a breast in each hand, rubbing the hard tips of her nipples against his chest, letting him gaze down at the huge pillowy mounds. "I love you." She wound her fingers in his and raised his hand, guiding him to her nipples, then she moved sensually, using her hand and his, feeling that little hot tickle of desire deep between her legs as she always did when she ma.s.saged her nipples. "Touch me, Collin, touch me all over and love me," she whispered throatily.
"It"s not just you and me," he protested.
"It is right now. Let me love you."
"Bibi, don"t do this." She dropped his hand and ran her fingers over his shoulders, feeling the power within his muscles as he kissed her. But the kiss had no life and his fingers had stopped kneading her breast. His sudden attack of conscience had drunk up all his desire. But Bibi knew how to get it back. She kissed him hungrily, then let her tongue slide down his chin, neck, and breastbone. She didn"t stop until she reached his fly, and dropping to her knees, she slid the b.u.t.ton and zipper open with deft, well-practiced fingers, only to find that he wasn"t hard, that he was as limp as a wet dishrag.
"What?" she asked, gazing up at him.
His face was twisted in silent agony and his eyes glistened as if he was fighting tears.
"Collin?"
"You don"t have to do this," he said, swallowing as his fingers played in her hair.
"Why not?"
"It"s not right."
"Probably not," she admitted, "but I can make you feel better." His hands curled into fists. She thought she heard the sc.r.a.pe of a shoe against the tile floor. But that was silly. They were alone and he didn"t flinch, just stood over her, his eyes trained on the darkened hallway.
Sometimes being able to look into another person"s mind was a pain in the b.u.t.t-a d.a.m.ned curse. Worse yet, Daegan couldn"t control this gift-not one bit. Whenever he least expected it, he"d get a glimmer-just a hint of what someone was thinking-not enough to do any good, but a glimmer nonetheless. He"d never be able to make his living reading palms or predicting the future and yet he had to live with the knowledge that he was occasionally offered glimpses into another person"s soul, as he was now.
It was Bibi who was calling out to him. He heard her voice in his dreams, and tonight after work he"d gone to the pool hall, lost a little money, and drunk more beer than he usually did, then he"d staggered home, kicked off his shoes, stripped off his shirt and jeans, and fallen facedown on his bed when he heard her voice, panic-stricken and pained, bouncing off the walls in his mind. He"d told himself that he was drunk, that he was imagining everything, but he"d barely drifted off when the racket on the other side of his door drove him back to consciousness. Someone was pounding frantically on the ancient, peeling panels, rattling the lock, trying to wake the d.a.m.ned dead.
"h.e.l.l," he muttered, blinking at the illuminated face of his clock as he snapped on the light. Two-thirty. He"d have to be downstairs with the pumps turned on at six.
The pounding continued making a horrendous racket. Forcing himself to his feet, he rubbed a calloused hand over his face. He knew before he opened the door that Bibi was on the landing at the top of his stairs.
"Oh, Daegan," she cried as the door swung open. She burst into the room smelling of smoke, liquor, and perfume. Dropping onto a corner of his mussed bed, she cradled her head in her hands.
"Bibi?" He plowed his fingers through his hair and ma.s.saged his eyes. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Waving off his question, she shook her head. "I"m so stupid, so d.a.m.ned stupid!" she wailed, her voice filled with pain. "Oh, G.o.d, what am I going to do?"
"What"re you doing here?"
"I needed to get out, to get away..." Her words were slurred and he realized dully that she was as drunk as he. A dangerous combination.
"Away from what?"
"Them!" She spat out the word as if it were vile then started to sob, deep, soul-wracking sobs that shook her whole body. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she began to rock back and forth, forward and backward and forward again. Over and over.
He had no choice but to try and help her, to calm her down. "Come on, Bibi, what is it?" he said, sitting on the bed beside her and draping an arm over her shoulders.
"Collin." She looked as if she might gag. "And Stuart."
"I thought you liked them."
"I did. Oh, G.o.d," she wailed. "Oh, G.o.d. Oh, G.o.d. Oh, G.o.d." She was white as a sheet. "I"ve been such a fool, such a G.o.dd.a.m.ned stupid fool."
"Hey, slow down, tell me what happened," he said, yawning.
"I can"t." She shook her head quickly.
"But you came all the way down here-"
"Just hold me, okay?"