If the pack was a new family, then Alex was its father, leader, master. That was another thing T.J. hadn"t expected. He"d never really had a father-figure to turn to.
Over the last week he"d learned what the price for invincibility was: learning to pa.s.s. Moving among people, thinking all the time how easy it would be to rip into them and feast, imagining their blood on his tongue but never being able to taste. Because if he tried it-if any of them ever actually lost control-the others would rip his heart out. That was how they"d stayed secret for centuries: never let the humans know they were there.
So he worked on Gary"s bikes and thought about the engine, belts, carburetor, and transmission, and remembered that the people around him were his friends and didn"t deserve to die by a wolf"s claws. He wanted to keep his old life. It was worth working to keep. That was the trick, Alex and Jane taught him. You can keep your old life. It won"t be the same, but it"ll still be there.
And he"d actually get to live to enjoy it, now. It was a relief. Made him want to howl.
Something fell on him, knocking the wrench out of his hand. He sprang to his feet, hands clenched, turning to snarl at whoever had done it, interrupted him-attacked. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Mitch was waving him over. A dirty rag lay on the ground next to the wrench, that was all that had hit him.
"Gary"s last race is up, you coming to watch?" Mitch said.
His wolf settled. T.J. put away his tools and followed Mitch to the straw bales ringing the track.
"You okay? You seem a little jumpy lately," Mitch asked.
He didn"t know the half of it. "I"m okay. I probably need more sleep."
"Don"t we all," Mitch said.
It gave him a sense of deja vu, watching Gary and Alex ride in the same race. This time, though, the PA system was too loud, the crowd of spectators pressed too close, and he didn"t know who to watch, Gary or Alex. Gary was his friend, the guy who paid him under the table to keep his bikes running, who"d given him a break when T.J. needed one so desperately. But Alex was . . . something else entirely. Something bigger than T.J. had words for. Alex was the way he felt howling at the full moon.
The crowd buzzed, because this was Alex"s first race after the spectacular crash. It had only been a few weeks, but it seemed much longer, months or years ago. Gary won the race; Alex didn"t crash again. The incident faded from memory in that moment, but T.J. realized he saw the crash as a turning point-it had changed his life.
Last race. Gary was moving to the pro circuit, to a track out east, and had asked T.J. to come with him. The three of them made a good team. It was a huge opportunity, to go from sc.r.a.ping by as a bush league mechanic to working for a team with a real shot. But a weight seemed to tie him down. Like a collar and leash.
He and Mitch raced to the finish line to meet up with Gary. This was another of T.J."s favorite things about the track, racing, bikes, and the crowds gathering after the race, offering congratulations and condolences, dissecting what had happened, arguing, handing out cold beers and drinking as they wheeled bikes back to their trailers. This had been the last race of the day; the party spilled onto the track. Someone blasted AC/DC on a radio, and people started dancing.
Gary lounged back on the seat of his bike, enjoying the attention he was getting. T.J. found himself drifting toward Alex. To an observer, it would have looked like the natural movement of the crowd, people circling, cl.u.s.ters gathering and breaking apart. But T.J. had Alex"s black jacket in the corner of his eye, and even amid all the sweat, dirt, spilled gas and oil, he could smell the animal fire of another werewolf. A pack should stay together. Alex, helmet in the crook of his arm, caught his gaze and smiled.
"Good race," T.J. said, as he might have said even if they hadn"t been werewolves, and Alex the alpha of his pack.
Feeling nervous and awkward-his wolf was prowling, and T.J. suddenly wanted to be out of there-he started to drift back to Gary and Mitch. He wanted to be near his human friends.
Alex stopped him with a hand on his arm that sent a flush over him. Staticky, warm, as.e.xual, comfortable. He could rub his face across the man"s coat. The feeling could get addictive.
But he held himself apart and tried to slow his breathing.
"Gary"s leaving. He asked me to go with him."
"You can"t do that, you know," Alex said. "Your family is here. Stay, come work for me," Alex said.
And how would he tell Mitch and Gary? "I like Gary," T.J. said. "He"s been good to me. He"s a good rider."
"I"m a good rider."
T.J. certainly wasn"t going to argue with that. Shaking his head, he started to walk away.
"T.J."
He struggled. He had two voices, and both wanted to speak. But his wolf side was slinking, hoping for Alex"s acceptance. "I don"t have to do what you say."
"You sure about that?"
If he didn"t walk away now, he"d never be able to. It was like that last dinner at home-if he didn"t say it now, he never would, and then he"d curl up and disappear. So he turned and walked away, even though some sharp instinct wanted to drag him back. Claws sc.r.a.ped down the inside of his skin; he tried to ignore it.
Back with Mitch and Gary, rolling the bike to Gary"s trailer, he started to relax.
"Saw you talking to Price," Mitch said. "I didn"t think he swung your direction." He was teasing but amiable. T.J. gave him a searing look.
Gary and Mitch left, and T.J. stayed behind. The circuit was over, racing done for the season, and the track settled into a lethargic rhythm of local practice. Guys s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around on backyard bikes. T.J. scrounged up mechanic jobs when he could, and worked cheap. Alex rented him the guest room in the outbuilding behind his rural ranch house-the room where he"d woken into his new life. Just until he got back on his feet. Whenever that was. Months pa.s.sed.
He drank at the Dustbowl with the rest of the pack, spent full moon nights with his new family, and that was the life that stretched before him now. But at least he was healthy.
No, truth spoke back at him-he"d traded one disease for another.
He"d taken a shower and was lying on the narrow bed, not thinking of anything in particular, when Alex knocked on the door. He could tell it was Alex by the knock, by the way he breathed.
"We"re leaving for the Dustbowl."
Part of T.J. sprang up, like a retriever wagging its tail and grinning. Another part of him wanted to growl. He didn"t feel much like socializing. "I think I"m going to stay in tonight."
"I think you ought to come along."
Alex"s commands never sounded like commands. They were requests, suggestions. Strong recommendations. He spoke like a parent who always had your best interests at heart.
T.J. started to give in. It was his wolf side, he told himself. The wolf wanted to make Alex happy so the pack would stay whole, and safe.
But he wondered what would happen if he said no.
He sat up. "I don"t really feel like it."
Sure enough, the door slammed open, rattling the whole frame of the shack. T.J. flinched, then scrambled back when Alex came at him. He tripped over the bed, ended up on his back, with the alpha werewolf lunging on top of him, pinning his shoulders, breathing on his neck.
T.J. lay as still as he could while gasping for breath. He kept his head back, throat exposed, hardly understanding what was happening-his body seemed to be reacting without him, showing the necessary submission so that Alex wouldn"t hurt him. He flushed with shame, because he thought he"d have been able to fight back.
Alex got up without a word and stalked out of the room. T.J. moved more slowly, but followed just the same.
T.J. sat in the corner, away from the others, staring out, turning over thoughts that weren"t his. He could run or he could fight. And what happened to safety? To peace? All he had to do was sit back and take it. Not argue. Not rock the boat, not stick his neck out.
He couldn"t stop staring, which in the body language of these creatures meant a challenge. He dropped his gaze to the bottle of beer he hadn"t been drinking.
Jane pulled a chair next to his and sat, then leaned on his shoulder, rubbing her head against his neck, stroking his arms. Trying to calm him, make him feel better.
"You know I"m gay, right?" he said.
Pouting, she looked at him. "We just want you to be happy. We want you to feel like you belong. You do, don"t you?"
He closed his eyes. "I don"t know."
"It doesn"t matter as long as you"re safe, right? You know if anyone came through here and gave you trouble, Alex would go after them, right?"
He almost laughed. Like she knew anything about it. "That isn"t the point."
He"d raised his voice without realizing it, glaring at her so that she leaned away, a spark of animal flashing in her eyes. Heavy boots stepping across the floor inevitably followed, along with a wave of musk and anger, as Alex came to stand beside Jane. It was the two of them, bad cop and good cop, keeping the pack in line. Like they were one big happy family.
T.J. should have gone with Gary.
He stood, putting himself at eye level with Alex-also a sign of challenge. "I"m leaving," he said. Alex frowned. His mouth had been open to speak, but T.J. had done it first. The rest of the pack was here-they"d fallen silent and gathered around, the happy family. T.J. recognized a gang when he saw one.
Alex laughed-condescending, mocking. As if T.J. were a child. As far as their wolf sides were concerned, he supposed he was. He thought back to Alex throwing him to the floor, felt that anger again, and tamped it down tight. The alpha was trying to get a rise out of him, goad him into some stupid attack so he could smack him right back down. T.J. wouldn"t let him. All he had to do was stare.
"You"ll be on your own," Alex said. "You won"t like that. You"ll never make it."
T.J."s mouth widened in a grin that showed teeth. He shouldn"t taunt Alex. He ought to just roll over on his belly like the others. But he shook his head.
"I"ve done it before," he said. "I can do it again."
And the wolf rose up, standing in place of the scared kid he used to be.
They could all jump him. He looked at the door and tried not to think of it, pushing all his other senses-ears, nose, even the soles of his feet-out, trying to guess when the rest of them would attack. He"d run. That was his plan.
"You don"t really want to leave," Alex said, still with the laugh hiding in his voice.
T.J. looked around at all of them, meeting each person"s gaze. The others looked away. They"d all come here by accident, through werewolf attacks, or by design-recruited and brought to the cage. T.J., on the other hand, had come to them alone, and he could leave that way. Maybe they didn"t mind it here, but one of these days, T.J. would fight back. Maybe he"d win against Alex and become the alpha of this pack. Maybe he"d lose, and Alex would kill him. But they could all see that fight coming.
Which was maybe why they let him walk out the door without another argument. And rather than feeling afraid, T.J. felt like he"d won a battle.
He hadn"t been brave enough to live out his old life. But he"d been brave enough to stick his hand in that cage.
Before he left the area, he had one more thing to do. Just to be sure.
A different guy was working at the clinic, which was just as well. "Have you ever had an HIV test before?" the staffer said.
"Yeah. Here, in fact. About eight months ago."
"Oh? What was the result? Is there a reason you"re back? Let me look it up."
T.J. gave the guy his name, and he looked it up. Found the two positives, and T.J. wanted to snarl at him for the look of pity he showed.
"Sir," he said kindly-condescendingly. "With a result like this you should have come back sooner for counseling. There"s a lot of help available-"
"The results were wrong," T.J. said. "I want another test. Please."
He relented and took T.J. into the exam room, went through the ritual, drew the blood, and asked T.J. to wait. The previous times, it had taken a half an hour or so. The guy came back on schedule, wearing a baffled expression.
"It"s negative," the staffer said.
T.J. exalted, a howl growing in his chest.
The staffer shook his head. "I don"t understand. I"ve seen false positives-but two false positives in a row? That"s so unlikely."
"I knew it," T.J. said. "I knew it was wrong."
He gave the guy a smile that showed teeth and walked out.
SIDE-EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE.
STEVE DUFFY.
24-HOUR DENTIST said the sign, in Mandarin and English. Hayden tried to put out of his mind that awful old joke of his father"s, when"s your appointment, tooth-hurtee, and stepped inside. Though it was close on midnight, the streets were still bustling, tangy with exhaust fumes and the smell of the all-night noodle stalls. Inside the frosted-gla.s.s and brushed-metal reception area it was air conditioned and monastically quiet. The nurse who answered the buzzer installed him in a futuristic bucket chair, discreetly indicating the selection of reading matter spread on a nearby coffee table. Running, for the hundredth time that day, his tongue along the edges of his teeth, Hayden noticed with little or no surprise that among the magazines was the very issue of Scientific American he"d been reading on the plane, back at the start of it all.
"MIRACLE" CHINESE DENTAL TREATMENT TO UNDERGO TRIALS IN WEST, announced the headline. Trapped in mid-flight hiatus, equi-distant between London and Hong Kong, Hayden had been leafing through the magazine like the diligent sci-tech rep he tried to be, on the lookout for snappy, comprehensible articles free of algebra or chemical symbols. Medicine wasn"t his area, so what drew him to this piece? Simply that long-distance plane travel often tended to set his teeth on edge, start up aches and twinges in his back fillings. Something to do with the cabin pressure, he wasn"t quite sure. Did it matter that his crowns had been fitted at ground level, where the PSI would be different? Perhaps the whole thing was psychosomatic, a displacement of some unconscious phobia to do with long-distance air travel. There wasn"t really anyone he could ask: no one he knew seemed to suffer the same problem. Unconsciously, Hayden stroked his jaw as he read on past the headline.
According to the text, scientists from the University of Hong Kong -using a groundbreaking mixture of ancient Chinese herbal lore and cutting-edge stem cell procedures-had come up with a paradigm shift in the treatment of dental problems. Initial trials of the new medication, a simple rub-in gel, had exceeded all expectations, and already there was said to be a flourishing black market as small pirate gene-tech labs churned out their own bootleg versions of the remedy. A side-bar explained the science part. The genes which controlled first and second dent.i.tions in the human-milk teeth through wisdom teeth-had been identified several years previously, in the wave of slipstream discoveries subsequent to the Y2K breakthrough on the human genome. The Hong Kong scientists, experts in the field of transgenics, had concentrated their efforts on the so-called genetic switches which . . . Here Hayden paused, distracted by a slowly increasing sense of no longer subliminal apprehension.
He"d been grinding his teeth, ever so slightly, as he read. He knew this was something he did, not just in his sleep but when concentrating; both his girlfriend and his dentist had told him so. Now, if he clicked his top molars against his lower, he could feel . . . what was that? He tongued around furtively inside his mouth, inserting a finger once he was sure no-one was looking in his direction. There, just at the back . . . oh, great. Of course. Naturally. Six weeks on business in the Far East, and a wisdom tooth cracked clean down the middle.
It had been the Bombay mix back in the departure lounge, he recollected glumly; no doubt about it. He distinctly remembered chomping down on the bulletlike roasted chickpea as his flight had been called, that suspicious splintering feeling he"d put to the back of his mind amidst all the check-in anxiety . . . that was the culprit, all right. Super. He didn"t even like Bombay mix that much. Maybe he could sue Heathrow for the cost of the treatment.
Dismally he manipulated the injured tooth back and forth, feeling the broken surfaces grind together like shattered crockery. The tactful, near-subliminal voice of the flight attendant at his shoulder made him pull out his finger with an audible plop. "Have you got any painkillers?" Hayden asked, knowing in advance what the answer would be. Regret-fully, the attendant explained the airline"s strict policy with regard to pa.s.senger medications. Hayden nodded despondently, and stared out of the window at the c.u.mulus clouds below. They looked like brilliant white molars in the cerulean gums of some unimaginably huge sky-troll.
The first actual sensations of pain had kicked in just prior to landing, after some four hours of incessant fiddling (tongue and fingertip) and an ill-advised gla.s.s of ice-cold mineral water. On the shuttle in from the airport his cheek had begun to puff out; once in his hotel room he"d hooked open his mouth in front of the bathroom mirror, fearing the worst. And finding it, in spades. Hard up against the gum-line there was a lump roughly the size and colour of a cherry tomato. It was hurting so badly, Hayden suspected it might actually be throbbing, visibly and palpably. Fully aware of what a stupid idea it would be, he inserted both index fingers, bracketed the swelling, and squeezed experimentally. The resultant right-hook of pain sent him staggering back from the mirror, cursing and whimpering through a mouthful of abscess and hurt.
In this way Hayden spent most of his first night in Hong Kong: alternately checking out the site of the damage in the mirror and pressed against the window in search of distraction. The waxing moon rose over the Island, soared across the tops of the skysc.r.a.pers and plunged into the fuzzy sink of light pollution above the western districts. Hayden followed its progress like a wounded timber wolf, baying with each pulsing wave of toothache, the pain as relentless and regular as the jets that slid across the night sky, heading for Lantau and the International Airport.
He was up in plenty of time for his nine o"clock at Chen 2000 Industries. Unfortunately, between the sleeplessness and the jet lag, he looked like a homeless man who"d sneaked in off the street to panhandle cash in the atrium. With some difficulty-everyone at Chen 2000 spoke excellent English, but he was starting to sound more and more like the Elephant Man-he went through his sales pitch, careful not to let his molars clash as he spoke. Suffice it to say that the case for fast-surface gate conductors from England could have been better put. On the way out he tried to make a joke of it all, pointing ruefully to his swollen cheek, and was rewarded with polite nods and smiles from the junior executives a.s.signed to see him off the premises. Their smooth uncaring faces had showed marginally more interest in his PowerPoint slides and sales patter.
If the first night had been bad, then the second had been raw torture. As part of his duties, he"d been obliged to attend a banquet in the company of several important clients. Torn between not eating, which he understood would be disrespectful to the local culture, and eating, which he knew would probably end in tears, he"d chosen the latter, and had gingerly inserted a dressed tiger prawn into the opposite side of his mouth from the shattered tooth. Even before the chopsticks had cleared his lips the magnitude of his mistake became apparent. The hot hoi sin had sluiced around his tender mouth and gone straight to the root of the infection, where it had cut clean through the various a.n.a.lgesic treatments he"d been able to score from the pharmacy next door to the hotel. Like a dental probe wielded by some n.a.z.i Doctor Death, the chili sauce skewered straight into the flaming abscess. The pain that ran up the outraged nerve nearly split his head in two.
His involuntary moan of anguish had turned heads all around the table. Pa.s.sing it off as a cough hadn"t really helped, since even the slightest movement of his head was by now enough to make it feel as if his jaw was about to crack apart. Desperately, he"d searched the platters spread out before him for something-anything-he could reasonably appear to be eating (his plan was to nibble round the edges, and to smuggle the rest of it into his napkin), but whatever wasn"t marinaded in chilli appeared to be crispy and/or chewy, and neither option was feasible for Hayden in his current predicament. He"d spent the evening with one hand clamped to his jaw, as if trying to suppress the mother of all belches. From time to time a more than usually vile blast of pain would cause him to make a squashy razzing noise like an electrical buzzer under water, which he suspected was unacceptable in any social context the world over.
Somehow, he"d got back to the hotel. Things were starting to fray around the edges by this time, though no matter how much he drank the numbing edge of the alcohol never quite kicked in. It was the pain that was blurring things; that, and the killer sleeplessness. He"d made yet another raid on the nearby pharmacy, triple-dosed on everything (ignoring the compendious lists of contraindications in the packaging), then retired for another night of horrors.
Sleep was out of the question: he was unable to set his head down on the pillow, not even on the nominally good side. The ache oscillated between thumping pressure and piercing intensity, and by daybreak he"d felt so wretched that even the transition from one variety of pain to another-throb to stab-seemed like a relief of sorts. A grey-faced zombie leered back at him from the mirror. Was it possible, thought Hayden with the feverish, lachrymose wretchedness of a small child, for someone"s entire head to go septic?
The next day he didn"t even want to think about it. Don"t go there. And the night? Well, the night- "Sir?" The nurse materialised at his side. "Dr. Pang will see you now." Hayden nodded cautiously, and followed her through the translucent screens, carrying with him the copy of Scientific American from reception.
Dr. Pang was a neat young man in immaculate whites who projected a powerful, slightly inhuman air of professionalism. Shaking his hand, Hayden found himself wishing he"d flossed more thoroughly, changed his shirt before leaving the hotel, and generally lived a better life. To his credit, the dentist spoke excellent English and seemed genuinely concerned for his patient. So he should at the price, Hayden reflected ungenerously.
He settled back in a high-tech treatment chair, tilted and swivelled to the precise pitch of accessibility; the gas-cylinder hydraulics of the chair, with their all-but-imperceptible hiss at each resettling, were probably the noisiest pieces of equipment in the surgery, which otherwise resembled nothing so much as the sterile a.s.sembly room at Intel-a.s.suming, that is, Intel were keeping on top of all the latest thinking in interior design.
"So, Mr. Hayden." Dr. Pang perched on an adjustable stool at the side of the treatment chair, leaned slightly forward after the fashion of a father-confessor. "What seems to be the problem?"