The wolf stopped at the tree line, sniffed the air and padded its way into the brush at the edge of the field. Its fur condensed the heat still wafting up from the mulched leaves below. Pines, a few twisting maples, an oak here and there: these were the wolf"s landmarks, scented time and again as it made its way down the familiar trail.
It reveled, one could say, in the freedom of movement. Limbs stretching as blood pumped through its veins, it ran, dodging fallen limbs, leaping through bracken, careless, for a little while, of the sound it made as it traveled.
Soon, the wolf slowed. The trees were thick in this part of the forest, close and tall. Moonlight trickled over the uppermost leaves, but close to the ground light was scarce. The wolf did not steady its pace because of this, however. It knew, as wolves do, that it must attend to its surroundings. Each scent and sound meant something. The wolf translated; its ears flicked back and forth, its nose pointed north.
Hunger moved it. She knew, by the hollow of her belly, that it was long since she"d eaten. She smelled prey, but it was distant. Water was close. A stream that wound its way over a rock-strewn bed, once much wider, ran just west of where the wolf was standing. She picked her way between the trees until she reached it. A dam, abandoned last season, was slowly being dismembered by the current. She had feasted here, before the beavers left for less dangerous turf.
She followed the water upstream, northward, toward food. The soft earth of its bank absorbed her prints. After several miles, she stopped. She raised her nose. Some unfamiliar odor stretched her out; her hackles raised and a low growl began in her throat.
Ahead was a place she knew well. Knew to avoid, not from any recent danger, but because of a lingering scent. Man-scent. A dwelling, an old cabin-though she could not name it as such-nestled in a clearing near the stream. It had grown, over time, into the trees, or the trees had grown back into it, reclaiming it as part of their wooded tribe. The roof was all but gone. What slats remained were leaf- and lichen-thick, barely visible to the eye. The door hung open, the cupboards were home to mice and the rafters to birds.
There was a tang in the air, the taste of iron, that was not there before. And, entwined within it, the raw stink of human activity. Something else tinged the place, a musk that covered the wolf in a cloud of memory. She knew that scent, somehow, and though she feared it, the flavor it of spoke to her of home. She shivered as she crouched beside the water, tail flat on the ground.
She knew not to approach the cabin. Her usual detour took her far around the clearing, but something about these new, disturbing smells drew her in. She circled cautiously, creeping ever closer, all senses alert. The air was close and still; the strange odor remained.
The wolf had never known another of her kind. The land was emptied out. Any pack that may have once claimed this territory had been hunted to its end. She ruled by default, killed as she pleased and knew to avoid the places of men. She knew, as wolves know things, that she was now breaking survival"s rules.
The scent that teased her on was foul. Feces, blood, urine: it was the stench of pain endured too long. No fresh kill was this she trailed, nor healthy flesh for the taking. It was human, but it was also more. For the first time, she caught the whiff of wolf in the forest. She was compelled to follow. It seemed to her that she, forever so alone, had been somehow divided.
Close now, near enough to see the outline of the cabin, she came to a full stop and crouched again. Dragging her belly along the ground, she inched forward. Leaves rustled, though what sound was night and what was wolf could not be distinguished. She was a shadow, black as the sky, sleek and cautious. The wolf knew fear, but she crept onwards until instinct told her this is close enough.
The clearing was just there, beyond the thicket in which the wolf lay, ears alert for danger. The cabin sat on the far side and before it, some thing the wolf could not decipher enclosed a figure stretched out p.r.o.ne on the ground. The wolf exhaled a sharp burst of air and suddenly, the figure rose. The wolf bristled, but did not back away. Information cluttered her brain; there was no way to make sense of the mingling of scent. Matted hair, half-crusted wounds, wolf and woman combined. The figure turned. Eyes met eyes in the still night. The wolf, overwhelmed, stood and ran.
To the stream and through it she rushed, feet finding and following a path between trees and shrubs, until finally, confusion was behind her. She halted, panting, and put her nose in the air and howled. Every hair on her body stood erect as, for the first time ever, she was answered.
The night, half gone, pulled the wolf back into it. Hunger moved her now, and a sense of hurriedness. She must hunt and eat before the dawn. She did not know the source of her impatience, only that these things must be done. North again, she found her prey. A racc.o.o.n, rifling through a rotted log, was eventually devoured. Back now to the stream, which she followed, circling wide of the clearing, ignoring the scents and sounds, pacing herself so as to reach her destination in time.
As the moon dipped low and dark began to fade toward morning, she found herself at the edge of the wood. Across the field the house lay quiet. She knew this place, was drawn to it though the wolf would never comprehend why. In her mind it was den and desperation.
At dawn, the wolf began to writhe. A cacophony of growls and yelps ensued as muscles tore and bones bent under the force of change. The wolf, lost in this transfusion of blood to blood and genes gone awry, was captive in a human mind until, as the sun erased the moon, it disappeared.
May and Molly left the house at dawn. They carried two jugs of water, a bundle of washcloths, a towel, bandages of a.s.sorted sizes and a soft blanket in which to swaddle their sister. They knew she would be close, but not exactly where. It was always the same. The wolf came, by some intangible understanding, as close to its human home as it could bear.
They didn"t speak until they found her.
"Gretchen," they said. "Gretchen, we"re here."
They sat her up, pulled leaves from her hair. Later Molly would wash and comb it. They checked her hands and feet for wounds. Often, they would find sc.r.a.pes and bruises. This morning there were none. May dampened a washcloth and wiped vomit from her sister"s chin. Her body, a merciless thing, regurgitated food as it shifted. While Gretchen knew this, the wolf would never learn. May gently scrubbed at Gretchen"s cheek where blood had dried in dark smudge. May did not think about how it might have got there. It was not her business to judge the wolf.
"Come on," they said when they were done.
They stood her up between them and wrapped the blanket around her naked body, allowing her to lean on each as they slowly made their way across the field.
Inside the house, they steered Gretchen into bed, pulled the curtains and left the door ajar. She would sleep for hours and when she woke, she would still be somewhat confused. The sisters were used to it now, they carried on with their day as Gretchen dreamed of running, running, and following scents to their end.
The phone rang not long after. Molly answered with a groan.
"s.h.i.t," she said as she hung up the receiver a few moments later. "I have to go in tonight. Ryan is sick."
"I bet he is," May said. "Sick of working at Rudy"s."
"Whatever. If you can"t take the boozers, you shouldn"t work in a bar. I"m in at eight. Will you be okay with Gretchen?"
"I don"t see why not. She"ll be almost herself by then. We"ll be fine."
"It"ll be a late one."
"I know."
Molly fiddled with her mug of coffee, turning it round and round.
"What"s up? You seem awfully quiet this morning." May knew her sister well enough to sense that something was on her mind.
"I don"t know." Molly paused, and then continued. "Do you ever think about the future?"
"Not if I can help it."
"I mean, do you ever wish . . . "
May cut her off. "Stop right there. No, I don"t wish."
Molly sighed. "I don"t know what"s wrong with me."
"I do. You"re getting old." May laughed, hoping Molly would join her.
Molly did laugh, though it was not quite the joyous sound May wanted.
"Let"s fix something nice for lunch," May finally said. "Something Gretchen will like."
It was the scent of a roast stewing in the pot that pulled Gretchen of out her slumber. She woke in a daze of half-remembered moonlight. It took her several minutes to a.s.sess her surroundings. White walls, wooden bedposts, ancient dresser with two handles missing: finally she recalled her whereabouts. Safe, she exhaled relief. Shakily, she pulled loose trousers to her hips and tied them. She lifted a worn shirt from the back of a chair and b.u.t.toned it, though her fingers clumsily left half of it undone. Warily, still sensing her environment more than seeing it, she slipped out of the bedroom and made her way down the stairs.
Her sisters greeted her as usual.
"Good morning, Gretchen. How do you feel?" May was always the first to question her well-being.
"Hey, sis," Molly said.
"What do I smell?" Gretchen asked in response.
Her sisters were never quite sure if they were talking to wolf or woman on this, the day after the full of the moon. Appearances were deceptive, and May more than Molly understood that the wolf often lingered much longer in spirit than it did in body.
"Meat. I made stew for lunch," May said as she watched Gretchen"s nostrils flare.
The wolf had left its mark as time pa.s.sed by. After ten years of this, Gretchen no longer had a taste for much fruit, nor certain vegetables. Leafy salads were fine most of the time, and certain berries, but beans, tomatoes, and onions were out of the question. She drank water, milk, and occasionally coffee, but not tea and never soda. Meat was the staple of her diet, but May could live with that as long as Gretchen didn"t start asking for it raw.
As she ate, Gretchen"s thoughts slowly settled into more familiar patterns. Something was different this morning, however. Some memory, some unfamiliar disturbance tugged at her. She touched it, circled it as the wolf would, tried to catch the scent of it, but to no avail. What happened last night? She felt an ache she did not recognize.
"What is it?" May asked when she noticed Gretchen staring absently at the window.
Gretchen blinked her eyes. "Nothing. Something. I don"t know. Last night. I don"t know."
She never spoke of the night. May, concerned, put a hand on her sister"s forehead. "Nothing seemed amiss when we found you. You sure you"re okay?"
"Yeah. I"m fine. Don"t worry," Gretchen smiled, a bit more like her usual self.
"Well, let me know if you need anything," May said.
"I will."
After she finished, Molly washed her hair and helped her dress in more reasonable clothes. By then, Gretchen felt almost human. Molly nattered on about nothing while May swept the floors. Gretchen caught herself gazing toward the dark forest and shook her head. Whatever was haunting her must not be brought into the light.
What the wolf knew as it ran through the forest was like a distant dream to Gretchen, one that she always gladly let fade the following day. She despised everything about the wolf and what it had done to her. She separated it, culled it from the experience of her own life, pretended that she and it were two distinct beings. They would never meet, nor know of each other"s cares. Yet, that night, as she curled up in her bed, images pa.s.sed behind her closed eyes: a cabin, a cage, a shape inside it. Scent returned, new blood on old, musk, hair, and fear.
Gretchen sat upright in horror as it came to her. The wolf had seen a ravaged woman in a cage, and she was alive.
"Holy s.h.i.t," Gretchen whispered into the room.
Sleep did not come easily that night and wouldn"t have at all had she not still been exhausted from the night before. Dreams stirred like leaves on the forest floor, but she could not catch them. They pa.s.sed, like summer does into autumn.
For days she was restless. Alone when her sisters worked, she paced the halls, ate little and worried at the wolf"s memory. There was no way to know what was real and what was not. The human mind must categorize, put color to objects, know distance in feet and yards. The wolf-mind knew shapes, sensations, the taste of air. She felt dirty, touching these things. Shame at what she was overpowered her at times, bending her knees, crawling along her skin like an insect. She rubbed at her arms, shivering, and tried to brush it off. She almost did cut off her hair, as though by doing so it would distance her from the wolf. She warred with it, she did not want to know the wolf"s mind, and yet she must comprehend these visions. If this thing she thought she"d seen was real, if there was a woman in a cage, she must do something. She could not leave her out there alone.
There was something else come through from that eerie night. A longing, a connection almost, that Gretchen could not name.
"That"s it," she said at last to no one. "I"ve got to go back."
The next day her sisters both worked early. May"s shift began at nine, Molly"s at one. When they were gone, Gretchen left a note on the table, packed food and water into a bag and left. She did not know when she would be home; she could not guess how far away the cabin was. Her sisters would worry if she did not return before them, but she could not bring herself to tell them of her plan. There was no way to explain it, this thing she saw out of the wolf"s eyes.
In the woods, she stopped. Each direction seemed as viable as the other. Gretchen realized with a slow burn of horror that she would never navigate this place on her own. But for the image of that woman, she would have turned away then and given up, gone back to the house, done anything but what she must do now.
Gretchen breathed deeply and focused, trying to invoke the monster that slept inside her. Down deep she went into the primal source of mind, where flesh means less and instinct is all. She moved, step by step, until her feet became sure and led her onwards toward the stream. Gnats flew into her eyes, things scurried in the brush and overhead, a bird called out in warning. She grew hungry, she gnawed on bread and chicken left over from the last evening"s meal. Hours pa.s.sed and she barely noticed. She was only half-human now. The wolf led her through the wood.
She stopped in a copse as fear gripped her. Gretchen neither saw nor heard anything unusual, but she heeded the feeling and kept still for several long moments. In the quiet, a faint whimpering and whining-the sound a dog would make if it were pleading-became audible through the trees.
Gretchen pressed on, urgency driving her steps. Fully herself now, she was less cautious than she should have been; sticks snapped underfoot and branches cracked as she pushed them out of her way.
She tracked the sound of the weeping animal to the clearing. She stopped at its edge and ducked down behind a young maple surrounded by brush. Twigs caught in her hair and snagged on her shirt; she ignored them. From behind the tangle of branches she saw the cabin, forlorn and yet obviously tenanted, for there was freshly cut wood stacked beside it and litter strewn around the door. She registered the dwelling, but it was not this that held her attention. In the scuffed and flattened ground before it, she saw what had been making the noise.
Silent now, hackles raised, a crushingly pathetic wolf was held in a cage. It was an ancient construction of black iron, much like those used in old traveling circus shows. In the advertis.e.m.e.nts, they rose up from the backs of colorful wagons in a merry display meant to arouse excitement and draw unwary customers in. The reality of the device repulsed her. The wolf, sensing her presence, turned toward her. Eyes met eyes. Gretchen"s breath caught in her throat.
Before she had time to process the vision, as if any sense could be made of it, the door to the cabin was kicked open and a man stood in its frame. He was as rotted as the wood surrounding him. Thin, knotted hair topped a skeletal face. Two narrow eyes glared out at the wolf as, from behind the door, the man pulled a rifle.
"Whatsa matter," he called out to the wolf. "Ain"t you had enough?"
Gretchen held her breath as he approached the cage, gun held over his shoulder. The wolf and Gretchen cringed as one as he swung his weapon, clanging the b.u.t.t against the bars.
"Cry, you freak. Cry, or I"ll give you something real to cry about."
The wolf began to whine and writhe on its belly, opening wounds on its legs that would never have a chance to fully heal if this was their treatment. The man grinned and looked out into the forest before turning away. As the cabin door slammed shut behind him, dislodging debris from the roof which fell in a soft rain to the ground, Gretchen felt her skin begin to burn.
The monster was close. Wolf called to wolf and the strange ache blossomed in her chest. Rage consumed her; she tried to tamp it down, aware of the danger she was in. Slowly and ever so silently, she backed out of the thicket and, still on all fours, crept away from the clearing. When she could no longer see the cabin, she rose, but she kept to the trees, moving swiftly from one to the other until she reached the stream.
Home never looked so sweet as it did when she finally left the woods. Running, she crossed the field, only slowing as she reached May"s garden. May was home by now and Gretchen did not want to rush in and alarm her.
"You"ve been gone for hours!" May said when Gretchen entered the kitchen. "Where have you been?"
"Didn"t you see my note?"
"Yeah, but "gone for a walk" could mean anything." May peered at her sister. "Are you okay?"
Gretchen knew better than to lie to her sister, but she wouldn"t give her the whole truth. How could she? "Not really, no. I got a little creeped out in the woods, that"s all. I don"t even know why I went out there."
May inspected her sister"s face. "Yes, you do."
Yes, Gretchen did, but she wasn"t prepared to admit it. There was no woman out there; it was just a wolf. Sad, yes, but just a wolf. It had nothing to do with her. She"d been tricked by her own imagination. She wouldn"t let it happen again.
"Well, you just take it easy, okay?"
"Promise. I"m going to get cleaned up and then I"ll help you with supper."
"Good. There was a sale on ribs and I grabbed a few packs. We"re having those."
In the shower, Gretchen scrubbed her body until her flesh glowed a pale red. No matter how she tried, the wolf would not wash away. She wept, quietly so May wouldn"t hear her, unable to contain the emotions that wanted to pull her to the tiled floor.
The monster had been so close. Too close. She still felt it lurking now, just there where she could almost touch it, if she reached a hand into herself. It, she, was howling in frustration. It felt terror and again that same rage. Gretchen was overcome with a scent she couldn"t possibly, as a human, comprehend. As the hot water finally wore away her confusion, a clear thought evolved in her mind.
I was certain there was a woman in that cage.
But it was the wolf"s foul memory describing that figure, not hers. Gretchen shook the water from her hair. There was not much difference remaining between them, and she was terrified.
The two conflicting memories tortured her throughout the evening. Both Gretchen and May were relieved when Molly walked through the door.
"How"d it go?" May asked as Gretchen smiled a greeting.
Molly blushed and May"s eyebrows raised.
"Fine," Molly said.
"Just fine? Come on, something happened. You"re red as an apple."
"John asked me out," Molly said in a small voice very much unlike her.
"And?" May would not give up.
"I agreed."
"I knew it!" May grinned and swatted her sister on the arm. "It"s about time."
"But . . . "