"She was very foolish and cruel, then," said Miss Benson, her eyes blazing, and her lips trembling, at the thought of the suffering her darling boy must have gone through.
"I think she was wise. I am sure it was not cruel. He must have soon known that there was some mystery, and it was better that it should be told him openly and quietly by his mother than by a stranger."
"How could she tell him quietly?" asked Miss Benson, still indignant.
"Well! perhaps I used the wrong word--of course no one was by--and I don"t suppose even they themselves could now tell how it was told, or in what spirit it was borne."
Miss Benson was silent again.
"Was Mr Bradshaw very angry?"
"Yes, very; and justly so. I did very wrong in making that false statement at first."
"No! I am sure you did not," said Miss Faith. "Ruth has had some years of peace, in which to grow stronger and wiser, so that she can bear her shame now in a way she never could have done at first."
"All the same it was wrong in me to do what I did."
"I did it too, as much or more than you. And I don"t think it wrong.
I"m certain it was quite right, and I would do just the same again."
"Perhaps it has not done you the harm it has done me."
"Nonsense! Thurstan. Don"t be morbid. I"m sure you are as good--and better than ever you were."
"No, I am not. I have got what you call morbid just in consequence of the sophistry by which I persuaded myself that wrong could be right.
I torment myself. I have lost my clear instincts of conscience.
Formerly, if I believed that such or such an action was according to the will of G.o.d, I went and did it, or at least I tried to do it, without thinking of consequences. Now, I reason and weigh what will happen if I do so and so--I grope where formerly I saw. Oh, Faith! it is such a relief to me to have the truth known, that I am afraid I have not been sufficiently sympathising with Ruth."
"Poor Ruth!" said Miss Benson. "But at any rate our telling a lie has been the saving of her. There is no fear of her going wrong now."
"G.o.d"s omnipotence did not need our sin."
They did not speak for some time.
"You have not told me what Mr Bradshaw said."
"One can"t remember the exact words that are spoken on either side in moments of such strong excitement. He was very angry, and said some things about me that were very just, and some about Ruth that were very hard. His last words were that he should give up coming to chapel."
"Oh, Thurstan! did it come to that?"
"Yes."
"Does Ruth know all he said?"
"No! Why should she? I don"t know if she knows he has spoken to me at all. Poor creature! she had enough to craze her almost without that!
She was for going away and leaving us, that we might not share in her disgrace. I was afraid of her being quite delirious. I did so want you, Faith! However, I did the best I could; I spoke to her very coldly, and almost sternly, all the while my heart was bleeding for her. I dared not give her sympathy; I tried to give her strength. But I did so want you, Faith."
"And I was so full of enjoyment, I am ashamed to think of it. But the Dawsons are so kind--and the day was so fine-- Where is Ruth now?"
"With Leonard. He is her great earthly motive--I thought that being with him would be best. But he must be in bed and asleep now."
"I will go up to her," said Miss Faith.
She found Ruth keeping watch by Leonard"s troubled sleep; but when she saw Miss Faith she rose up, and threw herself on her neck and clung to her, without speaking. After a while Miss Benson said:
"You must go to bed, Ruth!" So, after she had kissed the sleeping boy, Miss Benson led her away, and helped to undress her, and brought her up a cup of soothing violet tea--not so soothing as tender actions and soft loving tones.
CHAPTER XXVIII
An Understanding Between Lovers
It was well they had so early and so truly strengthened the spirit to bear, for the events which had to be endured soon came thick and threefold.
Every evening Mr and Miss Benson thought the worst must be over; and every day brought some fresh occurrence to touch upon the raw place. They could not be certain, until they had seen all their acquaintances, what difference it would make in the cordiality of their reception: in some cases it made much; and Miss Benson was proportionably indignant. She felt this change in behaviour more than her brother. His great pain arose from the coolness of the Bradshaws.
With all the faults which had at times grated on his sensitive nature (but which he now forgot, and remembered only their kindness), they were his old familiar friends--his kind, if ostentatious, patrons--his great personal interest, out of his own family; and he could not get over the suffering he experienced from seeing their large square pew empty on Sundays--from perceiving how Mr Bradshaw, though he bowed in a distant manner when he and Mr Benson met face to face, shunned him as often as he possibly could. All that happened in the household, which once was as patent to him as his own, was now a sealed book; he heard of its doings by chance, if he heard at all.
Just at the time when he was feeling the most depressed from this cause, he met Jemima at a sudden turn of the street. He was uncertain for a moment how to accost her, but she saved him all doubt; in an instant she had his hand in both of hers, her face flushed with honest delight.
"Oh, Mr Benson, I am so glad to see you! I have so wanted to know all about you! How is poor Ruth? dear Ruth! I wonder if she has forgiven me my cruelty to her? And I may not go to her now, when I should be so glad and thankful to make up for it."
"I never heard you had been cruel to her. I am sure she does not think so."
"She ought; she must. What is she doing? Oh! I have so much to ask, I can never hear enough; and papa says"--she hesitated a moment, afraid of giving pain, and then, believing that they would understand the state of affairs, and the reason for her behaviour better if she told the truth, she went on: "Papa says I must not go to your house--I suppose it"s right to obey him?"
"Certainly, my dear. It is your clear duty. We know how you feel towards us."
"Oh! but if I could do any good--if I could be of any use or comfort to any of you--especially to Ruth, I should come, duty or not. I believe it would be my duty," said she, hurrying on to try and stop any decided prohibition from Mr Benson. "No! don"t be afraid; I won"t come till I know I can do some good. I hear bits about you through Sally every now and then, or I could not have waited so long. Mr Benson," continued she, reddening very much, "I think you did quite right about poor Ruth."
"Not in the falsehood, my dear."
"No! not perhaps in that. I was not thinking of that. But I have been thinking a great deal about poor Ruth"s--you know I could not help it when everybody was talking about it--and it made me think of myself, and what I am. With a father and mother, and home and careful friends, I am not likely to be tempted like Ruth; but oh! Mr Benson,"
said she, lifting her eyes, which were full of tears, to his face, for the first time since she began to speak, "if you knew all I have been thinking and feeling this last year, you would see how I have yielded to every temptation that was able to come to me; and, seeing how I have no goodness or strength in me, and how I might just have been like Ruth, or rather, worse than she ever was, because I am more headstrong and pa.s.sionate by nature, I do so thank you and love you for what you did for her! And will you tell me really and truly now if I can ever do anything for Ruth? If you"ll promise me that, I won"t rebel unnecessarily against papa; but if you don"t, I will, and come and see you all this very afternoon. Remember! I trust you!"
said she, breaking away. Then turning back, she came to ask after Leonard.
"He must know something of it," said she. "Does he feel it much?"
"Very much," said Mr Benson. Jemima shook her head sadly.
"It is hard upon him," said she.
"It is," Mr Benson replied.
For in truth, Leonard was their greatest anxiety indoors. His health seemed shaken, he spoke half sentences in his sleep, which showed that in his dreams he was battling on his mother"s behalf against an unkind and angry world. And then he would wail to himself, and utter sad words of shame, which they never thought had reached his ears. By day, he was in general grave and quiet; but his appet.i.te varied, and he was evidently afraid of going into the streets, dreading to be pointed at as an object of remark. Each separately in their hearts longed to give him change of scene, but they were all silent, for where was the requisite money to come from?
His temper became fitful and variable. At times he would be most sullen against his mother; and then give way to a pa.s.sionate remorse.