But jest as I wuz moralizin" on this, I hearn a bystander talkin"
about the Trip to the Moon. And rememberin" what Bildad said I sot out for the air-ship that took folks there. To tell the truth, I"d always hankered to see what wuz on the moon. Not to see that old man of the moon (no, Josiah wuz my choice); but I always did want to know what wuz on the other planets, and though I"m most ashamed to say it, after all my talk agin Coney Island, yet if it hadn"t been for the kankerin"
worm of anxiety knawin" at my vitals, I should have enjoyed myself first rate as the air-ship sailed off, with a stately motion, for the moon.
I had watched the pa.s.sengers with a eagle vision but no Josiah embarked, but the air-ship sailed off, the earth receeded, we wuz in the clouds, anon we pa.s.sed through a big thunder storm, I wuz almost lost in thought watchin" sea and ocean when the captain called out:
"The Moon! the Moon!"
And we alighted and got off, I a-thinkin" what and who wuz I to see in thet place I"d always hankered for. Strange shapes indeed, foreign to our earth, birds, dragons, animals of most weird shape. Anon I see a little figger, queer-lookin" as you might spoze. I accosted the little Moony, my first words bein" not a question of deep historical research, you would expect a woman with my n.o.ble brain would ask, about that onexplored country. No, my head didn"t speak, it wuz my heart, that gushed forth in a agonized inquiry.
"Have you seen Josiah? Have you seen my beloved pardner? Is he in the moon?"
His words in reply wuz in moon language, nothin" I ever hearn in Jonesville or Zoar, and anon he begun to sing in that moony language, and I see I wuz wastin" time, I must conduct my quest myself.
But oh, the seens I pa.s.sed through! And oh, the queer moon landscapes!
the queer moony animals and moon creeters I pa.s.sed! But all in vain, no Josiah blessed my longin" vision. And with my brain turnin" over and my heart achin", I agin entered the air-ship and returned to terry cotta; or mebby I hain"t got it right in my agitation, mebby I"d ort to say visey versey. "Tennyrate I found myself out in Luny Park agin.
Well, what wuz to be my next move? Fur up a steep hite I see water pourin" down a deep abyss and a boat full of men and wimmen set out from the highest peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin" and dashed "way out in the water on the other side of the bridge where I wuz standin"; but my idol wuz not among "em.
I see a great checker-board raised up, so big it wuz played with human creeters instead of beans or kernels of corn. But no Josiah wuz there movin" and jumpin", or bein" jumped as the case might be.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "_A boat full of men and women set out from the highest peak, shot down the declivity like lightnin" and dashed "way out on the other side of the bridge._" (_See page 238_)]
On one side riz up a high mountain full of green shrubs and flowers, and windin" round and round from the bottom clear to the top, went cars filled with men and wimmen, boys and girls, up, up, down, down, as fur as from our house to Betsy Bobbet Slimpsey"s; but no Josiah wuz among the winders up or the winders down.
Even as I looked, a elephant pa.s.sed me with stately tread, bearin" on his richly ornamented back a small-sized man with a bald head; but it wuzn"t Josiah"s baldness or his small, meachin" figger.
Two high tiers of balconies stretched along on one side, ornamented off with white pillows and posies where folks could set and eat their good meals, and enjoy the music and the never ceasing gayety. Beneath "em, above "em and beyond "em, as fur as they could, see, towers, pinnacles, battlements, steeples, palms, flowers, color, light, music, and the endless, endless procession of pleasure hunters pa.s.sin" below.
Rich men, poor men, wimmen in satin and serge, shiffon and calico, babies, boys and girls.
I made the calculation that about a million folks could be accommodated on them balconies. I may have got one or two too many; I didn"t stop to count.
Lower down run a low, ornamented ruff, coverin" hundreds of little tables where folks could set and git soft drinks and hard. The hard drink"s true to its name everyway. For when did the Whiskey Demon ever turn out anything but hard, from the time it exhilerates the consumer till it drives him away from love, home, friends, happiness, and at last gives him a final hard push, sendin" him into a onlamented grave!
But truly no one has time to moralize or eppisode to any extent amidst the music, laughter and gay voices, the endless procession pa.s.sin" by.
To most a seen of happiness, but to me they seemed like shadders; the Reality of life, my beloved pardner, wuz lost, lost to me. A pleasant lookin" female standin" by, seein" the emotion in my face, and wantin"
to cheer me up, I spoze, sez:
"Have you tried the Loop de Loop?"
I answered with a sad dignity, "Yes, I"ve done considerable tattin" in my day."
"Mebby you"d like to try the b.u.mp de b.u.mp."
I sez, "No, I"ve enjoyed enough of that since comin" in here."
Sez she, "Have you seen the monkeys keepin" house?"
"No," sez I, "but I will." And sure enough, there wuz a big family of monkeys housekeeping. Some eatin" dinner in the dining room, some doin" different kinds of housework, sweepin", operatin" the dumb waiter, payin" bills, etc. Some in the settin" room readin" the newspaper. And there is a band of sixty monkey musicians. And I hearn they"re learnin" bridge whist; I wuz sorry to hear that, and I sez to the oldest and wisest lookin" monkey:
"You"ll sup sorrow if you go into bridge whist, gamblin" and wastin"
good daylight in civilized sports, when you might be hangin" from tree tops, and chasin" each other "round stumps, in a honest, oncivilized way. If you don"t look out your ladies will foller the example of the Four Hundred and be thinkin" of a divorce and big alimony next."
He looked impressed by my n.o.ble anxiety on their behaff, but didn"t say nothin". But mebby he"ll hear to me. A little boy standin" by sez, "Ma, Jimmy Bates sez that he and I and everybody descended from monkeys--did I, ma?"
"I don"t know," sez she, "I never knew much about your father"s family."
I didn"t stay long at the Open Air Circus, though it wuz a big place and sights goin" on there; bare-backed riders, j.a.panese jugglers and acrobats, tight-rope walkers, elephants and camels with folks on their backs, with Arabians and East Indians in their native costumes takin"
care of "em.
Not fur off I see a male statute; lots of folks wuz congregated in front of it, and I went up too, and I sez to a female bystander, "I always did love to see statutes. But this one"s linement is humblier than most on "em."
When if you"ll believe it it turned round and sez, "Thank you, mom, for the compliment." It acted mad.
Another man stood like a statute, and the woman I had spoke to sez, "You can git a dollar if you can make that man laugh."
And I sez, "I can."
Sez she, "I don"t believe it; I"ve read to him lots of the humorous stories in the late magazines, and he looked fairly gloomy when I got done."
And I sez, "I don"t wonder at that, I do myself. They"re awful deprestin"."
And she sez, "I"ve held up in front of him the funny colored supplements to the Sunday papers, and I thought he"d cry."
"Well," sez I, "I"ve pretty nigh shed tears over "em myself, they made me so onhappy."
"How be you goin" to make him laugh?" sez she.
"You watch me and see," sez I. So I went up to him and got his eye and told him over a lot of laws our male statesmen have made, and are makin". License laws of different kinds, but all black as a coal. How a little girl of twelve or fourteen, p.r.o.nounced legally incapable of buyin" or sellin" a sheep or a hen, can legally sell her virtue and ruin her life. How pizen is licensed by law to make men break the law, and then they are punished and hung by the law for doin" what the law expected they would do.
How a woman can protect her dog by payin" a dollar, but can"t protect her boy with her hull property and her heart"s blood. How mothers are importuned by male statesmen to bring big families into a world full of temptation and ruin, but have no legal rights to protect them from the black dangers licensed by these law-makers.
His face looked so queer, I worried some thinkin" I should git him to cryin" instead of laughin"; but I hurried and told him how our statesmen would flare up now and then and turribly threaten the Mormon who keeps on marryin" some new wives every little while, and then elect him to Congress, and sculp his head on our warship to show foreign nations that America approves of such doin"s. And I told him how girls and boys, hardly out of pantalettes and knee breeches, could git married in five minutes, but have to spend months and money to break the ties so easily made and prove they are morally fit to care for the children born of that careless five minute ceremony.
His linement looked scornful at the idee. And I told him how they tax wimmen without representation, and then spend millions rasin" statutes to our forefathers for fightin" agin the same thing. And how statesmen trust wimmen with their happiness, their lives and their honor, but deny "em the rights they give to wicked men, degenerates, and men whose heads are so soft a fly will slump in if it lights on "em. To such men (as well as better ones) they give the right to govern the wimmen they love, their good inteligent wives and mothers, rule "em through life, and award punishment and death to "em.
"And such men," sez I, "say wimmen don"t know enough to vote."
The very idee wuz so weak and inconsistent that it made the man statute hysterical, and he bust out into a peal of derisive laughter, and I took my dollar and walked off, though I knowed enough could be said on this subject to make a stun statute hystericky. I lay out to send the dollar to the W. C. T. U.
Jest after this I met Bildad, and he sez, "I jest see Josiah; he wuz in Steeple Chase Park, talkin" with some girls there."
I didn"t wait to ask what they wuz talkin" about, I hoped it wuz religion, but felt dubersome, and hurried there fast as I could. I crossed the automobile track where crowded cars wuz runnin" all the while round and round, past the rows of big high headed mettlesome hosses (this is a pun; they wuz made of metal).
But I pa.s.sed "em all as if they wuzn"t there; for my mind wuz all took up with the thought, should I find my pardner there talkin" with them girls, and if so, what would be the subject of their conversation?
Josiah is sound; but the best of men have weak spots in their armor which the glance of a bright eye will oft-times pierce through and do damage. So, to protect my dear pardner from danger, I pressed forward and wuz let in by a good-lookin" man for twenty-five cents. He gin me a paper locket and told me to be sure and not lose it. It had a man"s face on it, and I d"no but he thought I would treasure it on account of that.
I didn"t argy with him, but jest looked him coldly in the face and sez, "I am no such a woman, I have got a pardner of my own, though I can"t put my hand on him this minute." And I pa.s.sed on.