Sez I, "You have probable read my books, Ulaley." Sez I, "I spoze they are devoured all over the World as eager as Ruger"s Arithmetic, or the English Reader."
She made a real polite bow here, and I most knew from her looks that she wuz familiar with "em.
And I kep right on, and sez I--
"From everything that I have hearn on you ever sence you come here I have took to you, jest as the hull of the rest of America has. We think a sight on you--you have shown a pattern of sweetness, and grace, and true politeness, that is long to be remembered.
"And I want you to know that the only reason that I hain"t invited you to Jonesville to visit me is that you have had such sights and sights of company and invitations here and there, that I told Josiah that I wouldn"t put another effort onto you.
"I sez to him, sez I, "There are times when it is greater kindness to kinder slight anybody than it is to make on "em." And I told Josiah that though I would be tickled enough to have you come and stay a week right along, and though, as I sez to him,
""The Infanty may feel real hurt to not have me pay no attention to her," still I felt that I had Right on my side.
"Sez I, "It is enough to kill a young woman to have to be on the go all the time, as she has had to." Sez I, "The American Eagle has jest driv her about from pillar to post. And Uncle Sam has most wore his old legs out a-escortin" her about "from pleasure to palaces," as the Him reads."
"And then, sez I, "She has had considerable to do with Ward McAllister, and he"s dretful wearin"."
"He"s well-meanin", no doubt, and I have a good deal of sympathy for him. For, as I told Josiah, he"s gittin" along in years, and I don"t know what pervision eternity would give to him in the way of entertainment and use. He can"t expect to go on there to all eternity a-samplin" wine, and tyin" neckties, and makin" b.u.t.ton-hole bokays.
"And I don"t suppose that he will be allowed to sort out the angels, and learn "em to bow and walk backwards, and brand some on "em four hundred, and pick out a few and brand "em one hundred, and keep some on "em back, and let some on "em in, and act.
"I d"no what is a-goin" to be done in the next world, the home of eternal Truth and Realities, with a man who has spent his hull life a-smoothin" out and varnishin" the husks of life, and hain"t paid no attention to the kernel.
"He tires America dretful, Ward duz, and I spoze like as not he"d be still more tuckerin" to Spain, not bein" used to him, and then, too, she"s smaller, Spain is, and mebby can"t stand so much countin" and actin". So, as I said to Josiah, "The Infanty is a-havin" a hard time on"t with the Ward McAllisters of society;" for, sez I, "Though she has set "em a pattern of simple courtesy and good manners every time she"s had a chance, I knew them four hundred well enough to know that it wouldn"t be took." I knew that the American Republic, as showed out by Ward McAllister and his "postles, wouldn"t be contented to use the simple, quiet courtesy of a Royal Princess.
"No; I knew America and Jonesville would have to see "em a-goin" on, and actin", and a-plannin" which foot ort to be advanced first, and how many long breaths and how many short ones could be genteelly drawed by "em durin" a introduction, and how many b.u.t.tons their gloves must have, and how many inches the tops of their heads ort to come from the floor when they bowed, and whether their little fingers ort to be held still, or allowed to move a little.
"And while Ward and his "postles was drawed up in a line on one side of the ball-room, and not dastin" to move hand or foot for fear they wouldn"t be moved genteel, you got dead tired a-waitin" for "em to make a move of some kind.
"It wuz a weary, tuckerin" sight to America and me, and must have been dretful for you to gone through.
"And I sez to Josiah, "It is no wonder that the Infanty got so tired of them performances that she had to set down and rest.
"It tired America so a-seein" "em a-pilotin" the party that she would have been glad to have sot down and rested.
"Now if I"d invited you, Ulaley, as I wanted to, I wuzn"t a-calculatin"
to draw up Josiah and the boys and Ury on one side of the room, and the girls and myself in a line on the other side, and not dastin" to advance and welcome you for fear I wouldn"t put the right foot out first, or wouldn"t put in the right number of breaths a second I ort to.
"No; I should have forgot myself in the pleasure of welcomin" you. I should have advanced to once with pride and welcome in every line of my liniment, and held out my hand in a respectful and joyful greetin", and let you know in every move I made how proud and glad I wuz to see you, and how proud and glad I wuz you could see me, and then I should have introduced Josiah and the children, who would have showed in their happy faces how truly welcome you wuz to Jonesville. You"d"ve enjoyed it first rate, Ulaley, and if there had been any difference in our manners from what you"d been used to, and we might have made a bow or two less than you wuz accustomed to, why, your good sense would have told you that manners in Jonesville wuz different from Madrid, and you"d expect it and enjoy the difference, mebby.
"Of course, I knew that we couldn"t do by you exactly as they do in Spain in the way of amus.e.m.e.nt--we couldn"t git up no bull fight, not havin" the two materials.
"But Josiah has got a old pair of steers down in our back medder that was always touchy and kinder quarrelsome. They are gittin" along in years, but mebby there is some fight left in "em yet.
"I think like as not that Josiah and Ury could have got "em to kinder backin" up and kickin" at each other, and actin".
"I wouldn"t gin a cent to seen it go on, but it would have been interesting I hain"t a doubt on"t, to them that wuz gin to that sort o"
things.
"But, as I sez, I wouldn"t put it on you, Ulaley."
The Infanty looked real pleasant here--she almost laughed, she looked so amiable at me; she realized well that she wuz a-meetin" one of the first wimmen of the nation, and that woman wuz a-doin" well by her.
"But, as I say, Ulaley, I knew that it wuz too hard for you. I knew that between them Ward McAllisters of society, and the hosts of your honest admirers, from Uncle Sam down to Commander Davis and Miss Mayor Gilroy, you wuz fairly beat out. And I wouldn"t put you to the extra effort of comin" to Jonesville. I hated to give it up, but Duty made me, and I want you to understand it and to explain it all out to Spain jest how it wuz."
She smiled real sweet, and said she would, and she said "that she appreciated my thoughtful kindness."
She wuz too much of a lady to talk about them that had entertained her.
And I spoze she _had_ been entertained through them New York parties.
She"s quite a case for fun, and we got to feelin" real well acquainted with each other, and congenial.
She looked dretful pretty as she looked out sideways at me and smiled.
She"s as pretty as a pink.
And sez she, "You are very kind, madam; I highly appreciate your goodness."
"Yes," sez I, "it wuz nothin" but goodness that kep me back, for Josiah and I both think our eyes on you, both as a smart, pretty woman, and a representative of that country that wuz the means of discoverin" us."
And sez I with a shudder, and a skairful look onto me, "I can"t bear to think of the contingency to not had Jonesville and Chicago discovered, to say nothin" of the rest of the World.
"But," sez I, "my anxiety to put myself right in your eyes has runaway with my politeness." Sez I, "How is all your folks?" Sez I, "How is little Alphonso? We think a sight of that boy here, and his Ma. She"s a-bringin" him up first rate, and you tell her that I think so. It will encourage her.
"And how is your Ma?" sez I; and then I kinder backed out polite from that subject, and sez I, "I dare presoom to say that she has her good qualities; and mebby, like all the rest of the world, she has her drawbacks."
And then a thought come onto me that made me blush with shame and mortification, and sez I, "I hain"t said a word about your husband." Sez I, "I have said that I would pay particular attention to that man if I come in sight on him, and here I be, jest like the rest of America, not payin" him the attention that I ort, and leavin" him a-standin" up behind you, as usual.
"How is Antoine?" sez I.
She said that "He was very well."
"Wall," sez I, "I am glad on"t; from everything that America and I can learn of him he is a good feller--a manly, good-appearin", good-actin"
young man.
"And America and I wish you both dretful well--you and Spain. We think dretful well of all of you; and now," sez I, with some stateliness, "I am a-goin" to withdraw myself, and not tire you out any more."
And so we shook hands cordial, and said good-bye, and I proceeded to withdraw myself, and I wuz jest a-backin" off, as I make a practice of doin" in my interviews with Royalty, when Duty gin me a sharp hunch in my left side, and I had to lock arms with her, and approach the Infanty agin on a delicate subject.
I hated to, but I had to.
Sez I, "Ulaley, I want you to forgive me for it if you feel hurt, but there is one subject that I feel as if I want to tackle you on."
Sez I, "You"ve acted like a perfect lady, and a sampler of all womanly and royal graces, ever sence you come over here a-visitin", good enough to frame," sez I, "and hang up in our heart of hearts.
"And there hain"t but one fault that I have got to find with you, and I want to tell you plain and serious, jest as I"d love to have your folks tell Tirzah Ann if she should go over to Spain to represent Jonesville--
"I want to say, jest as kind as I can say, that if I wuz in your place I wouldn"t smoke so much.