I stare at it a second. July 10th. That was around the time Naemaas dad freaked out in the compound. The time I stamped on him and ground his face in the sand.
I crumple the photo up and throw it off the tower.
aWhat are you doing?a Jimmy says.
aI donat give a f.u.c.k,a I answer. aThose people killed Yvette. They tried to kill all of us. Theyare stinking animals and I donat give a d.a.m.n what happens to any of them.a Jimmy stares at me. aIt doesnat bother you that we shot a thirteen-year-old kid?a aI wanted to shoot a kid myself out there on the convoy. A little kid, about seven, same as April. Shot his donkey instead.a Jimmyas looking shocked now, but I canat stop. aI wanted to kill him. Really wanted to.a I glare into Jimmyas face. aThatas who I am now. See?a aDonat talk like that!a aItas true. Iave hurt so many people, you donat even know. Iam bad news.a I begin to laugh. aAnd this is just the beginning because thereas other people Iam going to kill too! Starting with f.u.c.kface Henley.a Jimmy takes me by the shoulders. aSnap out of it, Kate! Youare talking wild. Youare just messed up acause of all the bad s.h.i.t thatas happened. Youall be all right, sweetie, you will.a And he hugs me.
But I see it in his eye, I hear it in his voice: doubt.
aI need to go back to my post now,a he says gently. aBut Iall come see you tonight so we can talk about it more, okay? Just hold on till then. Youall feel different soon.a But when I walk back into the tent tonight, I donat feel different at all. I feel hard and tough and cold inside. I feel like a soldier now. A real robot soldier. I know who I hate and I know who I want to kill. All the rest is bulls.h.i.t.
aThird Eye?a I poke her in the arm. Sheas lying on her cot, staring into s.p.a.ce like a dead woman, as usual. Sheas been a robot for a long time now. I just didnat see it before.
aWhat?a aI got a message for that Naema girl. She is still coming to the checkpoint, right?a Third Eye turns her head in her slow-motion way and looks at me. aYeah, sheas still coming. Or was till the last couple of days, at least. Sheas a pain in the a.s.s. Always insisting that we tell her this, tell her that. I think she wants to blow the c.r.a.p out of us.a aWell, thisall shut her up. Tell her that her little brotheras dead. And probably her dad, too.a Third Eye looks startled. aWheread you hear that?a I unsnap the fasteners on my utility vest. aFrom this guy who guards the boysa compound. He says the kid was shot trying to escape, but who knows? He probably thumbed his nose at an MP who got p.i.s.sed off and blew him away. Whatever. But the dad flipped out when he heard, got himself beaten up, and I havenat seen him since. Naema told me he has a heart condition, so my guess is, kaput.a Third Eye swings her legs off her rack and sits up. aWhy the h.e.l.l should I tell her all that? Iam not the one around here who likes to cozy up with those f.u.c.king hajjis.a aDonat tell her then, I donat give a s.h.i.t.a I pull off my vest.
Third Eye frowns at me. aI thought you cared about her.a aThatas over.a And I walk out of the tent to meet Jimmy.
Whenever I meet Jimmy at night, we hide in this shadowy patch between my tent and its neighbor. Most couples sneak off to the motor pool to find an empty two-and-a-half ton truck with a cover on it, where they can have s.e.x in private. But, like I said, we havenat gotten to that point yet.
Heas already there when I duck out of the tent, and once weave turned the corner to get out of sight, he gives me a hug. aFeeling any better?a aNot really.a He lets go of me and steps back to look into my face. His own is so sad. I can see that even in the moon shadows.
aI know you feel bad now,a he says quietly. aBut youare a good person, Kate. Donat let this place make you forget that.a He put his arms around me again. aDonat push me away, okay? We need each other. I know things are f.u.c.kedup here, of course they are. But I love you, and I want us to help each other when we get home.a I pull out of his arms. His words make my whole body ache. But I know, I really know that heas wrong.
aJimmy.a My voice comes out detached and icy, a real robot voice. aThis isnat going to work. Iave decided.a aWhat do you mean? Decided what?a aIam going back to Tyler.a aTyler? Why?a Jimmyas voice holds so much pain it makes my whole body ache.
aBecause heas the best side of me. Because if I donat find that side of me again, I donat know how Iam going to live the rest of my life.a aSo whatas that make me?a Jimmy says bitterly. aThe evil side?a aNo, I donat mean that. Youare the real thing. Youare kind and brave and honest. Youare the best person Iave ever met.a He pulls a wry face. aBut?a aBut weare in a nightmare here. I mean itas real but itas not real. Itas got nothing to do with life at home. And if weare together, weall be stuck in the nightmare forever.a aThatas not true! Weall help each other cope, donat you see?a aBut I donat want to be the person I am with you, Jimmy. I hate who I am here. I hate who I am even with you.a He steps away again, and now he looks angry. aWell, donat come crying to me when you hate who you are with everybody else, too. You are who you are, Kate. You canat change that.a We stand silent a moment, both of us staring at the shadowy ground. aJimmy, please try to understand. Iam just so tired of s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up peopleas lives.a aThen why did you just do it again? f.u.c.k.a He turns away from me and leaves.
Back in my tent, I canat sleep even for a second. My conversation with Jimmy keeps playing over and over in my head, coming out the way I want it to instead of the way it did: Donat worry, Kate, Iall wait for you, no matter what you say. But Jimmy never said anything like that, and I know he never will. So I lie here writhing and twisting like a fly with its wings torn off. Sit up, lie down. Kick off my sheet, pull it back on. Shake my head to get out the words and cicadas. Makes no difference. One minute crawls after another like the slow drips of sweat running down my ribs. Soon, all I can focus on is Macktruck snoring in my ear, and it irritates me so bad I want to shoot him in the f.u.c.king neck.
I peer around the edge of my poncho to check on him. Heas flat on his back, stomach bulging like a pillow. He seems to be asleep, although how he can sleep at the same time as making all that racket is a mystery to me.
aMack!a I pick up my rifle and poke him in the ribs with it.
He wakes up with a start. aUh, what?a He sounds pretty shocked to hear me speak to him at all.
aYou think you could shut the f.u.c.k up? You sound like a dying pig.a aUh, okay, Iall try.a He heaves himself over on his side.
aAnd Mack?a aYeah?a aIf you come anywhere near me ever again, snore one more snore, or bother me in any of your f.u.c.king pervert ways at all, Iam blowing a hole in you so big a friggina convoy could drive through it.a A pause while he thinks this over.
aYouare losing it, Brady, you know that?a he says then.
aYeah, I know. Thatas the point.a After that, he doesnat say another word.
I still canat sleep, though. Each time somebody sighs in his rack, a critter runs across our plywood floor with its scratchy little feet, or a prisoner cries out in the distance, adrenaline jolts through me, bringing back Naemaas mourning dad and what I did to him, that Iraqi workeras pleading eyes in the mortar attack, the boy and his donkey, Yvetteas last little sigh. Her blood all over my body.
All the rest of that night, I lie on my back, eyes wide open, rifle clasped to my chest. Head exploding with despair.
The second the sky begins to lighten, I get up with relief and yank on my uniform. I try taking a couple bites of T-Rats for energy, but each time I bring the food near my lips I think of Yvette, and my mouth fills again with the taste of her blood.
Giving Macktruck a warning glarea"he steps out of my way pretty fasta"I head out to the latrines with Third Eye, whoas back to her rock-faced self. The lack of sleep and food is making me lightheaded, and black spots keep skittering across my vision like bees, but since thatas how I feel most of the time anyway, I pay no attention. When I climb into the Humvee with Jimmy and the rest of my team, he doesnat look at me once.
Itas extra hot up in my tower todaya"hundred and forty, Iam sure, at least in the sun. I sit sweating till Iave soaked through my underwear, my uniform, even my flak jacket. I have water with me but it tastes of blood too, so I push the bottles into the tiny square of shade under my roof and leave them there to cook.
One hour. Two.
Another hour. Four.
Heat. Sweat. Flies. Black bees swirling. Yellow sand, blaring sky, white dust. Unshaven men in shabby clothes wandering around, staring at the ground, staring at the wire, staring at me.
My Kevlar feels hot and heavy, much more than usual, its four pounds of weight more like forty. A hot cauldron bearing down on my spine. I yank it off and toss it behind me. Let the mortars whistle into my brain. Who the f.u.c.k cares.
But I forgot what the sight of female hair does to those prisoners, aspecially red hair like mine. Theyave been yelling at me to take off my helmet for months already, so the minute they catch sight of my bare heada"mayhem. They cl.u.s.ter around, yelling and hooting. I might as well be treating them to a striptease. The starer comes up close, leering and licking his lips. So does the jerk-off, of course. He walks right up to the wire under my tower, calls out something, pulls out his d.i.c.k yet again and sets to.
I raise my rifle and squint down the sights at him. Black bees buzzing.
He laughs, staring right at me, and keeps going. His d.i.c.k brown and wormy.
I flip off the safety.
He laughs again, pumping away.
aLast chance, f.u.c.khead,a I whisper. aIave been waiting for this.a And I begin to count.
One.
He wonat stop, even though Iam pointing my rifle right at his wormy d.i.c.k.
Two.
He still wonat stop.
Three.
The a.s.shole still isnat getting the message.
Four.
Okay, baby. You asked for it.
Fire!
Red blooms from his groin. He stares down at it. n.o.body moves. Not me, not the prisoners. Not even the wind.
Then he throws back his head and screams.
I jump up and rush to the edge of the platform, ready to shoot him again, or any other sand jockey who tries anything. They donat know who theyare messing witha"Iam a real robot now. Iad be happy to shoot every one of those f.u.c.kers in the p.r.i.c.k or the hearta"their choice. Who wants to be next, gentlemen?
But just as I take aim, a wave of dizziness slams into my head like a fist. I sway. Stagger. The bees buzz louder.
Everything goes blinding white.
Then everything goes black.
aCAN I HELP you?a The pretty woman stands in the doorway, sweeping suspicious eyes over the soldier. Her dog, a brown, square-headed mutt, pokes its head around her legs and takes a look too, its long tongue dripping. It isnat barking anymore but the soldier backs up anyway.
aWell?a the woman says.
aUh, no, itas okay. I got the wrong house. Sorry to disturb you.a The soldier turns, ready to run.
aKate?a Itas Jimmyas voice but she keeps going. She should have left him alone. What a fool.
aKate!a She walks a few more paces. Then stops. She doesnat want to but she canat resist his voice, her need for it. Helplessly, she turns around.
Heas peering over the womanas shoulder. Then he pushes past her and comes out on the porch. He looks beautiful. And terrible.
aYou should come in,a he says. aNow that youare here.a His hair is longer now, black and wavy, and heas wearing a stained gray T-shirt, worn-out jeans and sneakers with no socks, in spite of the cold. He has gla.s.ses on, normal ones with thin brown frames. But his eyes are circled with shadows.
He turns to the woman. aLock Daisy up, will you?a The womanas face flickers annoyance, but she grabs the dog by its collar and hauls it away.
Jimmy turns back. aCome in,a he says. aItas okay. Really.a But his voice doesnat sound okay. It doesnat sound soft and welcoming the way it used to. It sounds hard and wary.
Kate follows him in anyhow. She doesnat know what else to do.
The house is a dump inside. Much worse than she expected, even from the flaking paint and mildew. Maybe itas just that sheas not used to peopleas houses anymore, having spent no more than a couple weeks in her own between hospitals, but it looks dark and gloomy, and itas littered with garbage. Magazines and beer bottles. Overflowing ashtrays. Cartons of leftover Chinese food. And, propped against a dead fireplace, a rifle.
She drops her pack to the ground and walks over to it. Sheas not sure exactly what sheas doing, but she seems to be picking it up and holding it to her chest.
Jimmy watches her, nodding.
The pretty woman comes back in, dogless, and looks at her. as.h.i.t,a she says under her breath. Then, more loudly, aYou want a beer or something?a Kate takes a better look at her. Long bangs falling into sticky black eyes. Big lippy mouth. Low-cut pink T-shirt, tight jeans, high-heeled boots. The woman might be pretty, but sheas a s.k.a.n.k.
Kate nods. aYeah. Please.a The s.k.a.n.k walks out of the room.
aSit,a Jimmy says, and hands Kate a pack of smokes. Ignoring the chairs, she settles on the floor with her sore back pressed up against the wall by the fireplace, the rifle across her lap. He leans over to light her cigarette for her. She draws it in deep, the first smoke sheas been allowed for weeks.
The s.k.a.n.k returns with three open bottles of beer and hands them around. aIam Mandy,a she says.
aIam Kate. Thanks.a Kate takes a long swallow. The beer and the cigarette make her dizzy and colder than ever.
aWe were in the war together,a Jimmy says then. And he laughs.
aWho wouldave thought?a Mandy mutters, dropping onto the newspaper-strewn couch. aYou people keep coming around here. Itas like Jimmyas a magnet for broken-down soldiers. We might as well open a f.u.c.king halfway house.a aShut up,a he snaps, and Kate is startled. Sheas never heard him talk to anybody like that.
aDonat worry,a Kate says quickly, almost sorry for Mandy now. aIam harmless.a Mandyas eyes drop to the rifle on Kateas lap, but she doesnat reply.
Kate takes a second long swig of beer and stares at the dusty floor in front of her. Now what will she do? She never expected Jimmy to have a woman. She expected him to not want her, to send her away, to be angry and hurt like before. And she hoped she would talk him out of it. But for some dumb reason she never expected this.
They sit still a whilea"Kate on the floor, Jimmy nearby in a ratty blue armchair, Mandy on the cluttered orange coucha"drinking their beers and smoking in the dim brown light. Itas sunny outside but youad never know it in there, except for the leaf-shaped shadows on the floor. They donat say much. They canat, not with Mandy there. Sheas like a blast wall dividing the room and Kateas on the wrong side. Kate wonders if Jimmy loves Mandy, and where sheall go if he does.
aWhen did you all get back?a she asks him finally. aI havenat heard from anybody.a It hurts her, that. She thought at least DJ would call to see how sheas doing.
aBeginning of last month. Rumor is weall be redeployed soon.a Sheas silent, this unwelcome news crowding into her head. But then she asks, aYou heard anything about anyone?a even though sheas not sure she wants to know.
aSome. That f.u.c.ker Kormick reenlisted.a Jimmy sends her a knowing look. ab.o.n.e.r, too.a Kate doesnat answer. Itas been a long time since she heard those names spoken aloud and it sends her hands trembling worse than ever. Jimmy glances at them and frowns. aYou okay?a he murmurs. For a moment he sounds like his old self.
She picks up the rifle, grips it to steady her hands, and examines it. Itas a mess, all rusted-up. Probably wouldnat shoot at all.
aI hope that thingas not loaded,a Mandy says. aWould you mind putting it down?a aLeave her alone,a Jimmy snaps again, then turns back to Kate. aDJ came around the other day. Heas doing good. He and his lady are working on having a third baby.a aOh yeah? Thatas nice.a Kate swallows. Sheas afraid to ask the next question, but she needs to know. So she squeezes out the words. aWhat about Third Eye? You heard anything from her?a Jimmy gives her a quick look. Then he gets up and crosses over to Mandy. He leans down, kisses hera"itas like a knife in Kate when he does thata"and whispers something. Kate stares at the floor.
Mandy mumbles a reply, sounding irritated. But then she stands up, tossing back her s.k.a.n.ky hair. aIam going to the store. Either of you want anything?a Kate shakes her head.
aMore beer,a Jimmy says. Mandy nods and walks out of the room, her b.u.t.t swaying. Kate watches her. Thatas the walk she canat do anymore.
They wait in silence till they hear Mandy drive off. Then Jimmy gets out of his chair, comes over to Kate and sits cross-legged on the floor facing her. He takes off his gla.s.ses. She wants so badly to hug him her arms ache.
aSo?a he says, his wonderful blue eyes searching her face. aWhatas going on?a aWhere are your little brothers?a is all she answers. aI wanted to meet them.a His gaze skitters. aTheyare still with our aunt. I couldnata I canataa He looks away, his thin face sad.
aYou donat want me here, do you?a Kate says then. aI didnat knowaa She nods at the door. aIall leave.a aNo. Stay, itas okay, really.a He runs his eyes over her face. aItas been bad for you, hasnat it?a he murmurs.
She shrugs and looks again at the floor.
aDoes your family know where you are?a af.u.c.k my family.a aI take it that means no. What about Tyler?a aSame.a He pauses.
aAnd the hospitala"anyone there know where you are?a aNope.a aStay here with me, then. I want you to. Iall explain it to Mandy. Sheall come around.a aYou sure?a She looks back up at him.
aYeah.a His eyes hold hers. aIam sure.a aThanks.a She wants to say more, but nothing will come. aYou got any other broken soldiers here?a She tries to smile.
Jimmy leans back on his hands. aOne left yesterday. You know him. Creeley.a ab.u.t.ton Nose? Whatas wrong with him?a aHe lost a hand. Couple weeks after you left. We were out on the road and a grenade came flying into our Humvee. He was trying to throw it back out when it went off.a as.h.i.t. Poor kid.a aYeah, but it couldave been worse. Got him out of a second tour, at least.a Jimmy rocks forward again and looks at her a moment, his brow creased. aWhat about you? Can they make you go again?a She shakes her head. aMedical.a aThank G.o.d.a aAnd you?a Kate says then. aDo you really have to go back?a He shrugs, turns his eyes away. aOf course.a The words slice into her. She canat bear it, the thought of him going back there without her, the thought of him getting hurt. But all she can do is nod and stay silent.
aCome,a Jimmy says then, getting up off the floor. aIall show you where you can sleep.a He picks up her backpack and climbs the stairs, Kate following him. They walk up to a landing and down a hallway, past a bedroom with its door open. Inside, she glimpses a double bed, its sheets rumpled. She looks away quickly.
aHere,a he says, pushing open a door and ushering her inside. He turns to her. aItas good to see you again, Kate.a And, for the first time, he smiles.
[ KATE ].
I HAVE NO idea where I am. A tan tent, that much I can tell. A softer bed than usual. Daytime, because the light filtering through the canvas is hot and pale. I try to look around but the minute I move an unbelievable pain shoots through my neck and I hear a shriek. I have an idea itas mine.
A manas face leans into my vision. Sweaty and red and topped by tiny sprigs of wiry ginger hair. aYou awake?a it says.
Is this one of my nightmares? I try to lift my arm to see if thereas any blood but that sends another spasm of pain searing through me. as.h.i.t!a I yelp. aWhat the f.u.c.kas going on?a aHow you feeling?a the man asks brightly. aTalk to me, soldier. Come on.a I blink at him a few moments, trying to figure out if heas real. aWhat happened? Where the h.e.l.l am I?a aYou had an accident. Youare in the aid station. Iam a medic. Now tell me your name, rank and what year it is.a aWhy?a I genuinely want to know.
He looks annoyed. aI donat have all day, just do what I said.a aWhereas Jimmy?a aWill you answer me?a I try to move, but another unbelievable pain pierces my back. Now Iam scared.
aCome on,a the medic says wearily. aName?a aKate Brady. What the f.u.c.kas wrong with my back? Ow! And my arm? What happened to me?a aRank, age, year.a aE4. s.h.i.t, ow! Twenty. Two thousand three. Christ! I need to see Jimmy.a aWell, your brain seems all right. Your right armas broken and you wrenched your back, far as we can tell. Nothing too serious, donat worry. But weare shipping you to Kuwait for tests.a aKuwait? When?a aToday. Medevacas taking you with a couple other wounded.a aBut I have to see Jimmy!a aAinat no Jimmy here. Now quiet down so I can give you a shot.a aJimmy didnat visit me?a aNot yet, soldier. Not yet.a And the man sticks a needle into my thigh.
Jimmy never does come. Never. But to my surprise Third Eye shows up, just before they carry me out.
aHey Freckles, arenat you the lucky camper?a she says.