Sasami-san @ Ganbaranai

Chapter 14: Mandala of Mother and Daughter (Front Half) (1)

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VOLUME 2

Chapter 14: Mandala of Mother and Daughter (Front Half) (1)

— Mooom~~.

— Hm. What is it, Sasami? You are interrupting my training.

— Mooom, what’s that cool pose? Sasami wants to try too!

— This is not a “cool pose.” It is called the Chant of Returning Roads. With this, I am able to seal all forms of magic and agitate all nearby irregularities. It is both an incantation and a form of meditation.

— Ehehe. Mom is like a superhero. Okay, Sasami will be the bad guy! Mom is the hero, ‘kay? Umm, like this? The chant of ree-tuhr-ning rowds?

— Where exactly did you learn useless trivia such as that? I am not a superhero. I am a Tsukuyomi miko.

— But mom, a Tsukuyomi miko is kinda like an ally of justice, right? You have super important work to protect all the people. So, you’re a hero!

— Hm. I detect no contradiction in your words.

— Oryaahh! Towaaah! Like this? Is Sasami doing it good?

— There is no need to shout during this chant. Also, your pose is incorrect.

— But shouting makes it cooler! You sound strong and your enemies will run away! Towaah!

— Is that so? Towaah…?

— Mom, you’re too quiet!

— Hm. Do not underestimate me. Your mother will show you her true strength. Towaah!!

— Ahahah! Ahahahah!

— What is it, Sasami? Why are you laughing?

— I love you, mom! Ahahah! Towahh!!

— You are certainly a strange child… towaah!

My palms felt cold.

I shivered at the sensation and felt myself being forcefully dragged from my dreams of happy memories. The peace I had been granted in my escape from reality was also s.n.a.t.c.hed away from me.

I was in a dark room.

The room was about as big as a tea room.

It was just big enough for me to lie down in.

The ceiling wasn’t very high either; rather than calling it a “room,” it might’ve been better to call it a “box.”

The floors consisted of wooden boards, while the walls were made from tough-looking stone.

Moths buzzed around a small lit light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

The room was filled with the smell of dried leaves.

I could feel it in my skin. This was… my old home.

The Tsukuyomi Shrine.

All the buildings in the shrine should’ve been destroyed, so this was probably a makeshift hut they had hurriedly built on the shrine remains.

Or, maybe they had just reconstructed a building that hadn’t been destroyed in the attack.

It’s not like I had a complete knowledge of the Tsukuyomi Shrine anyways, so I wasn’t sure.

“… Ah…”

My head was spinning.

I couldn’t really think straight.

It was hard to form a coherent sentence in my brain… I couldn’t really picture anything well either.

In other words, my ability to think had been stolen away from me.

It felt like I was locked away in some faraway place, gazing helplessly at my own empty vessel in that hut.

The cold in the air, the pa.s.sage of time… it all felt flat, like I was living in someone else’s skin.

What an awful feeling of emptiness this was.

“It would be unfortunate if you used the power of the Supreme G.o.d on me, so I have diluted your consciousness with the aid of drugs. I’ve also placed spiritual barriers around you, but those are there merely for my own peace of mind. They will not be able to fully contain such an extraordinary power as that of the Supreme G.o.d.”

I suddenly realized that my mother was sitting across from me.

She was reaching out and touching me around my chest and stomach.

The front of my miko outfit was open, exposing my collarbone and navel.

Suddenly feeling self-conscious, I twisted my body, but my mother stopped me. “Do not move,” she said to me harshly.

“I am merely reforming your body. It seems you have been neglecting your health… if we do not put some more meat on you, then your body will certainly weaken and that would lead to your early death.”

Why was she picking now of all times to start saying things a normal mother would say?

For a while, my mother forced me to open my mouth and looked at my tongue. Was she satisfied now?

Either way, she shut her eyes and turned her face towards mine with her usual mask-like expression.

“Please allow me to ask you once again.”

She didn’t sound like she had come to hear my opinion though.

“This is the most generous compromise your mother is willing to offer. You have broken taboos, abandoned your post, and in your foolishness have even run away. In the past, I could make you listen through use of the whip. However, let us now reconsider that idea carefully.”

My mother sounded dead serious, like she would kill anybody who dared to utter even the smallest joke.

She was almost unrecognizable from the mother who had been surprised at the coldness of her ice cream back in the food court.

But no, this was… absolutely, unmistakably my mother.

I loved my mother.

I wanted to become like my mother.

“Will you swear that you will never try to run from the shrine again and that you will work diligently as a Tsukuyomi miko for the sake of all the people in the world? If you swear it, your mother will forgive your sins… she will also stay by your side as you learn your craft, will lead you down the right paths, and will train you to be an exceptional Tsukuyomi miko.”

My head was swimming in confusion, and I couldn’t think straight.

I had been reduced to something like a beast. Maybe that was exactly why I could get out my true opinion.

”N-o-…”

I had told my mother that I would go back to being a Tsukuyomi miko at Mahoroba to get her to stop… but that was just a temporary stop measure, and I hadn’t been telling the truth.

This drug… it stole away my humanity, and crushed the part of me that was human.

But the thought of having to maintain a world convenient for humans for no clear reason at all… the thought of having to take on the role that had killed my mother…

No thank you.

I didn’t have to be a G.o.d or anything.

I was perfectly happy living a normal life.

I was happy.

There were still things I wanted to do.

I had finally escaped from my room and managed to take my first steps outside.

There were people who were cheering me on too.

I couldn’t let myself to be discouraged here.

I had tried my very, very best, grit my teeth, and lived up until now.

There’s really no point, mom.

Just because this was some tradition pa.s.sed down by our ancestors doesn’t mean I wanted to live in a system where I had to work for mankind without being allowed to ever question what I was doing.

“Don’t… want to… I’m… going back… back home…”

“This is your home, Sasami.”

“No… this… this isn’t… home…”

“Do you still abandon the role the Heavens have bestowed upon you? You cannot be convinced otherwise?”

“It isn’t… what I wanted…”

“As long as time allows for it, your mother will retrain you. Through a harsh regiment and hard work…”

“Don’t… want to… I… won’t try anymore.”

“I see.”

My mother gave me a small smile.

“Well, I suppose that leaves me with no choice.”

Wha-…? Was she… letting me go?

–

My mother’s fingertip pierced through my stomach.

–

I had been trying to smile, but my face froze in place.

My mother’s thin finger had broken through the skin of my stomach, and was gouging into my innards.

Liquid which tasted of iron wound its way up my esophagus and blood flooded into my mouth.

I spat out a mouthful of fresh blood, dirtying my mother’s face and her miko outfit.

Maybe it was because I was half-unconscious, but I felt no pain.

My mother stroked my head lovingly, and I felt some kind of liquid fill my belly.

“Ever since you were little, you have been p.r.o.ne to vomiting.”

My mother spoke nostalgically, although her tone of voice never changed.

“If I fed this to you, you might have vomited it out, so I directly injected this medicine into your stomach. I have left you with a small amount of consciousness to make sure you understand the situation, but with this… you should completely lose your ability to think. I no longer have anything to ask you. And there is no longer anything you should say. I will no longer hope for any good to come out of a human like you.”

Her blood-covered hands slipped out from my abdomen.

Bright red liquid dripped down from her fingers, staining the floor.

Through some alteration or other, the otherwise fatal wound in my stomach quickly sealed shut. My life was no longer in immediate danger.

I sure have been p.r.o.ne to getting hurt lately…

The medicine that had been forced into my stomach began circulating through my entire body.

I could not fight against it.

My consciousness almost violently slipped away, and the light vanished from both my eyes.

It felt almost like I was watching myself from somewhere far away overhead.

I just sat there, my eyes wide open but seeming asleep… like I was sleepwalking.

“How unfortunate.”

My mother took out a handkerchief and muttered regretfully while wiping my mouth.

“How very, very unfortunate.”

My mother slowly stood up, her face filled with a sense of loss. It was like she was a famous artist who just had to rip up an oil painting she had worked so hard to perfect.

Next, someone was kicked out in front of me. I hadn’t even noticed him before, probably because the room had been so dark. He was tied and bound with many lengths of rope.

He had hair that was quite long for a man, and his eyes were stern…

My father.

Perhaps he had been fed medicine already as well, but my father had the same empty look in his eyes as I had.

We were like a pair of Voodoo zombies.

We were puppets, and the merest tug on the strings on our back would get us to move.

In this state, both my father and I would probably do anything my mother said.

“This one has also proven a disappointment. He was always an incompetent, naïve man, but to think he not only allowed the Tsukuyomi Shrine to be destroyed so easily, but failed after he devised such a foolish plan… he is hopeless.”

My mother was probably talking about the scheme my father had dreamed up earlier.

“This man’s plans are at a standstill, and Sasami also does not seem to want to return to her post as a Tsukuyomi miko… I can force you to take medicine and control you like that, but as long as you harbor feelings of negativity towards your position, you will not be able to maintain the world correctly. There is no meaning in forcing you if you are unwilling to carry your duties out.”

At that point… I finally realized what conclusion my mother had reached.

At the same time, I felt my heart speed up rapidly in my chest.

“There is now only one thing left you must do.”

I don’t want to.

“Bear a child, Sasami. That child will inherit the power of the Supreme G.o.d, and will become the Tsukuyomi miko. After the ceremony of transfer is complete, you may vanish off to wherever you please. If you are unwilling to carry out your duties, then you have no worth to me. However, we must ensure the continuance of the Tsukuyomi bloodline.”

I should’ve not been able to control my body at all, but I managed to force my mouth open.

I couldn’t breathe. I felt like a fish on the chopping block.

I had believed. I had believed that no matter how inhuman and single-minded my mother may be about making sure the Tsukuyomi miko was doing her job… she would never resort to this. I had believed…

But my faith had been betrayed.

I loved my mother.

But my mother… she saw in me no value exceeding that of an excellent tool, meant to be used.

When I stopped fulfilling my duties, I was treated like a defective product and dealt with accordingly.

I had always known that, but tears still flowed from my eyes.

“The Tsukuyomi bloodline has persisted ever since Ninigi no Mikoto descended from the heavens, and has been preserved through incest. My body was never very strong, and I was unable to bear many children… so there are not many blood relatives to choose from. You will have to make do with him.”

My mother pointed with her chin to the man who was supposed to be her husband, and told me that.

I understood the words that were flowing from her mouth, but I couldn’t believe this.

“Don’t… want to…”

I had been robbed of my freedom, so all I could manage to do was rock my body like I was throwing a tantrum.

The tears wouldn’t stop.

“Don’t… want… to… don’t want… to…”

My mother was telling me… to make a child with my father.

Was there anything more merciless a mother could ever tell her child?

But my mother was completely serious.

She had chosen the best way to ensure that the Tsukuyomi bloodlines continued.

She was like a machine… there wasn’t a hint of emotion in her voice.

Or, rather, she sounded like she was presenting the greatest honor in the world to her daughter.

It was like she was a loving parent, giving her failure of a daughter the chance to do some good.

“Do not whine. I am not asking for your opinion. Make a child with this man, and give birth to the next Tsukuyomi miko. I will raise that child and return things to the state in which they were meant to be. Your own child will fix all the chaos you have stirred up in this world.”

I understood that my mother was being serious.

My entire body shivered.

I felt disgusted… like my entire body had melted into an unrecognizable mess.

However… I spoke with the last bit of my strength.

“At least…”

I dared to wish that my mother had just a tiny bit of compa.s.sion remaining.

“At least… let it be… oniichan…”

If I had to make a child…

Then at least…

“I will not allow it.”

My mother instantly cut through my suggestion.

Cut through my wishes.

“That person has already been excommunicated from this family. He is not suited to taking part in making the splendid child that will be the next Tsukuyomi miko. He also committed the worst crime by running away with you. The Tsukuyomi Shrine will no longer tolerate dealing with that man.”

My mother then started mumbling, as if she had just remembered something.

“Also, that man… he came to this place earlier. Perhaps he wanted to save you? In either case, he requested a meeting and made quite an amount of noise outside our gates…”

My mother took out from somewhere the leather briefcase that my brother always used to cover his face… and then casually tossed it on the floor.

It was covered in blood.

I could feel my heart snapping in two.

“Do not worry. I dealt with him.”

All the strength left my eyes, and my entire body.

I had lost my will to live, and my body became limp like a corpse.

“You must first purify your body, Sasami. From what I have observed, there is still time before the most suitable period in your cycle. You will fast and we will burn incense as we hold a ceremony to pray for healthy children… oh my.”

I was already completely empty.

“Have you broken? It is of no consequence. As long as your body is healthy, there is no issue.”

As if that was a signal that she was done talking, my mother then walked out of the room.

Like that, I was reduced to a state of near death.

What happened after that I only heard much later and second-hand.

“……”

My mother left the small room I was in and walked down the hallway.

There wasn’t a single crack in her figure.

Her back was stretched straight, and she looked like some kind of beautiful wild animal.

She was walking through a half-destroyed building in the Tsukuyomi Shrine.

Maybe this building had just barely survived the attack, or maybe someone had used an alteration to rebuild it.

Either way, the building was only the size of a small residence. My mother strode leisurely through that building.

And then, she stopped in front of a room, and silently opened the door.

It was a dark room.

A dark room that clearly looked like a prison cell.

Light from the evening sun streamed in through the barred windows… not much time had actually pa.s.sed since the battle at Mahoroba.

In the middle of that simple room, chained to a pillar to an almost unnecessary degree by his arms and legs… was my brother.

My brother should’ve been just a normal human, but somehow he had gotten to the Tsukuyomi Shrine in Kyuushuu all the way from our home near the capital… at that time, n.o.body knew how he had managed to do that.

“I came to explain to you what Sasami’s last task will be.”

My mother left the door wide open, and didn’t even budge from her position.

My brother didn’t have his face hidden, but because he was enshrouded in darkness it was impossible to make out his expression.

He seemed to be in great pain. His clothing, his hair, and his body all seemed to be tattered.

“She was being quite stubborn, so I resorted to using the drug. Although, the tipping point came only after I told her in a very roundabout way that you had perished. How irritating it is to see her attach herself so closely to such a monster.”

My mother scowled and looked at my brother with disgust in her eyes even though she was the one who had greatly twisted this world’s laws by returning from the dead.

“I may not have many human emotions left, but I did feel quite nauseous when I discovered your true nature. I would very much enjoy killing you if I could. I did not realize this until I had pa.s.sed away, but you… how dare you live so shamelessly without any remorse whatsoever?”

“Do you really…”

My brother ignored my mother’s insults, and weakly spoke up.

However, he was still using the same useless, pathetic tone I had grown used to.

“Do you really… intend to use Sasami as a tool to give birth to the next Tsukuyomi miko? Do you… do you not have any human… any motherly compa.s.sion left…?”

“The minute I crawled my way back out of Yomi, I ceased to be human.”

My mother sounded a bit unhappy, or maybe a bit obstinate.

“Everything is for the sake of this world. For the sake of the humans in this world. I am a Tsukuyomi miko before I am that girl’s mother.”

My brother stared at my mother from the darkness, his eyes twinkling like the evening moon.

“Sasami-san really did love you, you know… Juju-san.”

“I understand. But that is of little importance… older brother.”

The sun sunk past the horizon, and a long night began.

 

TRANSLATOR’S NOTES

(1) A Mandala is a spiritual symbol in Buddhism and Hinduism, representing the Universe.
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