"Rather!" said Susan huskily.
Visitors were beginning now to go reluctantly down the gang-plank, and ma.s.s themselves on the deck, staring up at the big liner, their faces showing the strained bright smile that becomes so fixed during the long slow process of casting off. Handkerchiefs began to wave, and to wipe wet eyes; empty last promises were exchanged between decks and pier. A woman near Susan began to cry,--a homely little woman, but the big handsome man who kissed her was crying, too.
Suddenly the city whistles, that blow even on Sunday in San Francisco, shrilled twelve. Susan thought of the old lunch-room at Hunter, Baxter & Hunter"s, of Th.o.r.n.y and the stewed tomatoes, and felt the bitter tears rise in her throat.
Various pa.s.sengers now began to turn their interest to the life of the ship. There was talk of luncheon, of steamer chairs, of asking the stewardess for jars to hold flowers. Susan had drawn back from the rail, no one on the ship knew her, but somebody on the pier might.
"Now let us go find Mrs. O"Connor," Stephen said, in a matter-of-fact tone. "Then you can take off your hat and freshen up a bit, and we can look over the ship." He led her cleverly through the now wildly churning crowds, into the comparative quiet of the saloon.
Here they found Mrs. O"Connor, surrounded by an anxious group of travelers. Stephen put Susan into her charge, and the two women studied each other with interest.
Susan saw a big-boned, gray-haired, capable-looking Irishwoman, in a dress of dark-blue duck, with a white collar and white cuffs, heard a warming, big voice, and caught a ready and infectious smile. In all the surrounding confusion Mrs. O"Connor was calm and alert; so normal in manner and speech indeed that merely watching her had the effect of suddenly cooling Susan"s blood, of reducing her whirling thoughts to something like their old, sane basis. Travel was nothing to Mrs.
O"Connor; farewells were the chief of her diet; and her manner with Stephen Bocqueraz was crisp and quiet. She fixed upon him shrewd, wise eyes that had seen some curious things in their day, but she gave Susan a motherly smile.
"This is my niece, Mrs. O"Connor," said Stephen, introducing Susan.
"She"s never made the trip before, and I want you to help me turn her over to her Daddy in Manila, in first-cla.s.s shape."
"I will that," agreed the stewardess, heartily.
"Well, then I"ll have a look at my own diggings, and Mrs. O"Connor will take you off to yours. I"ll be waiting for you in the library, Sue,"
Stephen said, walking off, and Susan followed Mrs. O"Connor to her own cabin.
"The very best on the ship, as you might know Mr. Bocqueraz would get for anyone belonging to him," said the stewardess, shaking pillows and straightening curtains with great satisfaction, when they reached the luxurious little suite. "He"s your father"s brother, he tells me. Was that it?"
She was only making talk, with the kindliest motives, for a nervous pa.s.senger, but the blood rushed into Susan"s face. Somehow it cut her to the heart to have to remember her father just at this instant; to make him, however distantly, a party to this troubled affair.
"And you"ve lost your dear mother," Mrs. O"Connor said, misunderstanding the girl"s evident distress. "Well, my dear, the trip will do you a world of good, and you"re blessed in this--you"ve a good father left, and an uncle that would lay down and die for you. I leave my own two girls, every time I go," she pursued, comfortably. "Angela"s married,--she has a baby, poor child, and she"s not very strong,--and Regina is still in boarding-school, in San Rafael. It"s hard to leave them---"
Simple, kindly talk, such as Susan had heard from her babyhood. And the homely honest face was not strange, nor the blue, faded eyes, with their heartening a.s.surance of good-fellowship.
But suddenly it seemed to Susan that, with a hideous roaring and rocking, the world was crashing to pieces about her. Her soul sickened and shrank within her. She knew nothing of this good woman, who was straightening blankets and talking--talking--talking, three feet from her, but she felt she could not bear--she could not BEAR this kindly trust and sympathy--she could not bear the fear that some day she would be known to this woman for what she was!
A gulf yawned before her. She had not foreseen this. She had known that there were women in the world, plenty of them, Stephen said, who would understand what she was doing and like her in spite of it, even admire her.
But what these blue eyes would look when they knew it, she very well knew. Whatever glories and heights awaited Susan Brown in the days to come, she could never talk as an equal with Ann O"Connor or her like again, never exchange homely, happy details of babies and boarding-school and mothers and fathers again!
Plenty of women in the world who would understand and excuse her,--but Susan had a mad desire to get among these sheltering women somehow, never to come in contact with these stupid, narrow-visioned others---!
"Leo--that"s my son-in-law, is an angel to her," Mrs. O"Connor was saying, "and it"s not everyone would be, as you know, for poor Angela was sick all the time before Raymond came, and she"s hardly able to stir, even yet. But Leo gets his own breakfasts----"
Susan was at the washstand busy with brush and comb. She paused.
Life stretched before her vision a darkened and wearisome place. She had a sudden picture of Mrs. O"Connor"s daughter,--of Georgie--of all helpless women upon whom physical weakness lays its heavy load. Pale, dispirited women, hanging over the little cradles, starting up at little cries in the night, comforted by the boyish, sympathetic husbands, and murmuring tired thanks and appreciations----
She, Susan, would be old some day, might be sick and weak any day; there might be a suffering child. What then? What consolation for a woman who set her feet deliberately in the path of wrong? Not even a right to the consolation these others had, to the strong arm and the heartening voice at the day"s end. And the child--what could she teach a child of its mother?
"But I might not have one," said Susan to herself. And instantly tears of self-pity bowed her head over the little towel-rack, and turned her heart to water. "I love children so--and I couldn"t have children!"
came the agonized thought, and she wept bitterly, pressing her eyes against the smooth folds of the towel.
"Come now, come now," said Ann O"Connor, sympathetic but not surprised.
"You mustn"t feel that way. Dry your eyes, dear, and come up on deck.
We"ll be casting off any moment now. Think of meeting your good father---"
"Oh, Daddy!---" The words were a long wail. Then Susan straightened up resolutely.
"I mustn"t do this," she said sensibly. "I must find Mr. Bocqueraz."
Suddenly it seemed to her that she must have just the sight and touch of Stephen or she would lose all self-control. "How do I get to the library?" she asked, white lipped and breathing hard.
Sympathetic Mrs. O"Connor willingly directed her, and Susan went quickly and unseeingly through the unfamiliar pa.s.sageway and up the curving staircase. Stephen--said her thoughts over and over again--just to get to him,--to put herself in his charge, to awaken from the nightmare of her own fears. Stephen would understand--would make everything right. People noticed her, for even in that self-absorbed crowd, she was a curious figure,--a tall, breathless girl, whose eyes burned feverishly blue in her white face. But Susan saw n.o.body, noticed nothing. Obstructions she put gently aside; voices and laughter she did not hear; and when suddenly a hand was laid upon her arm, she jumped in nervous fright.
It was Lydia Lord who clutched her eagerly by the wrist, homely, excited, shabbily dressed Lydia who clung to her, beaming with relief and satisfaction.
"Oh, Sue,--what a piece of good fortune to find you!" gasped the little governess. "Oh, my dear, I"ve twisted my ankle on one of those awful deck stairways!" she panted. "I wonder a dozen people a day don"t get killed on them! And, Sue, did you know, the second gong has been rung?
I didn"t hear it, but they say it has! We haven"t a second to lose--seems so dreadful--and everyone so polite and yet in such a hurry--this way, dear, he says this way--My! but that is painful!"
Dashed in an instant from absolute security to this terrible danger of discovery, Susan experienced something like vertigo. Her senses seemed actually to fail her. She could do only the obvious thing. Dazed, she gave Lydia her arm, and automatically guided the older woman toward the upper deck. But that this astounding enterprise of hers should be thwarted by Lydia Lord! Not an earthquake, not a convulsed conspiracy of earth and sea, but this little teacher, in her faded little best, with her sprained ankle!
That Lydia Lord, smiling in awkward deprecation, and giving apologetic glances to interested bystanders who watched their limping progress, should consider herself the central interest of this terrible hour!---It was one more utterly irreconcilable note in this time of utter confusion and bewilderment. Terror of discovery, mingled in the mad whirl of Susan"s thoughts with schemes of escape; and under all ran the agonizing pressure for time--minutes were precious now--every second was priceless!
Lydia Lord was the least manageable woman in the world. Susan had chafed often enough at her blunt, stupid obstinacy to be sure of that!
If she once suspected what was Susan"s business on the Nippon Maru--less, if she so much as suspected that Susan was keeping something, anything, from her, she would not be daunted by a hundred captains, by a thousand onlookers. She would have the truth, and until she got it, Susan would not be allowed out of her arm"s reach. Lydia would cheerfully be bullied by the ship"s authorities, laughed at, insulted, even arrested in happy martyrdom, if it once entered into her head that Mrs. Lancaster"s niece, the bright-headed little charge of the whole boarding-house, was facing what Miss Lord, in virtuous ignorance, was satisfied to term "worse than death." Lydia would be loyal to Mrs. Lancaster, and true to the simple rules of morality by which she had been guided every moment of her life. She had sometimes had occasion to discipline Susan in Susan"s naughty and fascinating childhood; she would unsparingly discipline Susan now.
Mary Lou might have been evaded; the Saunders could easily have been silenced, as ladies are easily silenced; but Lydia was neither as unsuspecting as Mary Lou, nor was she a lady. Had Susan been rude and cold to this humble friend throughout her childhood, she might have successfully defied and escaped Lydia now. But Susan had always been gracious and sympathetic with Lydia, interested in her problems, polite and sweet and kind. She could not change her manner now; as easily change her eyes or hair as to say, "I"m sorry you"ve hurt your foot, you"ll have to excuse me,--I"m busy!" Lydia would have stopped short in horrified amazement, and, when Susan sailed on the Nippon Maru, Lydia would have sailed, too.
Guided by various voices, breathless and unseeing, they limped on. Past staring men and women, through white-painted narrow doorways, in a general hush of shocked doubt, they made their way.
"We aren"t going to make it!" gasped Lydia. Susan felt a sick throb at her heart. What then?
"Oh, yes we are!" she murmured as they came out on the deck near the gang-plank. Embarra.s.sment overwhelmed her; everyone was watching them--suppose Stephen was watching--suppose he called her----
Susan"s one prayer now was that she and Lydia might reach the gang-plank, and cross it, and be lost from sight among the crowd on the dock. If there was a hitch now!----
"The sh.o.r.e gong rang ten minutes ago, ladies!" said a petty officer at the gang-plank severely.
"Thank G.o.d we"re in time!" Lydia answered amiably, with her honest, homely smile.
"You"ve got to hurry; we"re waiting!" added the man less disapprovingly.
Susan, desperate now, was only praying for oblivion. That Lydia and Stephen might not meet--that she might be spared only that--that somehow they might escape this hideous publicity--this noise and blare, was all she asked. She did not dare raise her eyes; her face burned.
"She"s hurt her foot!" said pitying voices, as the two women went slowly down the slanting bridge to the dock.
Down, down, down they went! And every step carried Susan nearer to the world of her childhood, with its rigid conventions, its distrust of herself, its timidity of officials, and in crowded places! The influence of the Saunders" arrogance and pride failed her suddenly; the memory of Stephen"s bracing belief in the power to make anything possible forsook her. She was only little Susan Brown, not rich and not bold and not independent, unequal to the pressure of circ.u.mstances.
She tried, with desperate effort, to rally her courage. Men were waiting even now to take up the gang-plank when she and Lydia left it; in another second it would be too late.
"Is either of you ladies sailing?" asked the guard at its foot.