"Stay here with me then. He leaves right after dawn."
I file through for an answer. "I don"t wanna leave him alone with my stuff. And you know how much I hate being away from home."
"You"re that paranoid about him stealing your s.h.i.t and yet you let him stay? Do you see how dumb this is?"
"Fine. I made a bad choice. Forgive me for trying to do something nice for someone."
"I mean, are we not a thing, Lucy? You just invite a strange dude to stay over. Do you not see that as a little s.h.i.tty to me?"
"Todd... You know how I feel. We are not a thing... I"m not ready for that yet..."
I grab at my head. He isn"t going to understand, because I"m not going to tell him the real reason I"m letting Landon stay.
"Just stay here tonight. We"ll get his bike towed tomorrow. Then we gotta call the cops, Lucy. This ain"t your problem to solve."
"The cops?!" I can"t deal with that thought.
""Lucy Rivers, I really like you," he says.
Lucy Rivers. Hearing my fake surname come from his lips really drives in the grossness of having this facade. I"ve felt like Lucy Palermo again with Landon. Lucy Rivers. Who is she to me other than a veil to who I really am?
"I like you, too?" I reply, confused.
"Lucy..." My heart skips a beat as he closes the gap between us. What in the h.e.l.l is he doing?
"This guy... This biker... He"s bad news..." And he trails off, holding a big, awkwardly long pause. "I get it. You"re alone out there in that studio. You"re lost. Vulnerable. Maybe having this guy around makes you feel a little better... But you don"t need him. I"m here for you Lucy. I want you to consider being my girlfriend, officially."
"What?"
Todd leans back and scratches his head. "That"s...Not quite the reaction I was hoping for."
"Well, I mean...But...What? Todd, we"re not even dating. Why would I want to suddenly make things official?"
He shakes his head in disbelief. "You can be...Such a f.u.c.kin" b.i.t.c.h sometimes, Lucy. Do I really have to do this with you? What are we, thirteen? Do we have a set number of dates to go on until officially saying we"re going out?"
I catch my head. I can"t deal with this now, or ever for that matter. I don"t need this added pressure. "The answer is no, Todd. You"re m-my friend. I care about you but that"s as far as it"s going to go."
"Are you seeing other people?"
"No," I say with a scoff.
"So, what"s the big f.u.c.king deal?"
"I just...Relationships scare me, okay? I told you that. You know I haven"t had a serious thing since high school. And the fact you"d ask me this now when I"m obviously panicking. I mean, come on."
"Well, I a.s.sumed we were getting serious but I guess I read us wrong again. Why did you even come here tonight?"
"Don"t be like that. Please don"t get mad, not tonight."
"I am mad, Lucy. I can get as mad as I f.u.c.king want. Of course I"m mad. You come here mentally checked out, probably thinking about that criminal living with you. You shoot me down when I"ve spent days building up the nerve to ask you this... And you"re lying to me, Lucy. I don"t know why you"re keeping this guy at your house, but I know you"re not doing it out of the goodness of your f.u.c.king cold heart. Yeah Lucy, I"m mad."
"I can explain..."
"I don"t want to hear it. It"s time for you to go before I f.u.c.king lose it, okay?"
"Fine," I reply, "but I"m borrowing your truck."
I didn"t give him a chance to respond as I stood up, s.n.a.t.c.hed the keys off the kitchen hook, and headed straight out the door.
11.
I never heard Lucy come home last night. Wherever she is, I f.u.c.king miss her. She"s the only distraction out here in this sleepy village.
I stare out the window to the ocean while holding Babeen. I can"t fully comprehend how this girl stands living so far away from reality. There"s nothing good on TV and no other form of distraction aside from the cat. It"s when the clock hits five PM and Lucy"s nowhere to be seen that I know it"s time to regain control. My mind"s made up. It"s time for me to man up and find my own way.
Inside one of Lucy"s kitchen drawers I find a map of the small town. I take a minute to trace the roads back toward the tavern, and from there, across to the highway that leads of town. I stop, tapping a sweeping curve with my fingertip. There it is... My ticket out of here. It"s a long walk, but I can make it.
As I walk down the driveway, a reflection of the sun catches in my eye and derails my whole plan. Looks like I won"t have to go hunting for it. There she is. Silver and chrome, still beat up from the accident and resting up against the garage.
How the h.e.l.l did it end up back here? I jog over to my baby and fall at her side, running my hands down the bent chrome.
She"s hurt bad.
It was worse than I"d hoped. The paint"s scratched, the exhaust is hanging on by a thread, the wheels are f.u.c.ked, and there"s no d.a.m.n way she"s going to ride out of here anytime soon. This is no cheap fix. I hunt around and find a blue tarp to pull over her to keep her from rusting.
I"m going to need money...
I"m going to need some kind of job.
"I see you found it," Lucy shouts, walking up the road behind me. I stop dwelling on my problems and let her beauty distract me a while.
"How"d you get it back here?"
"Wasn"t too hard... A few people stopped to help lift it into the truck. Getting it down was a little harder... I hope I didn"t hurt it."
"The damage was already done," I replied, shaking my head. "Thanks for getting her out of that ditch."
"Yeah... Don"t mention it. You keeping yourself busy? How"s your head?"
"Still f.u.c.ked... At least I had some reading materials," I say, gesturing to her studio. "I now know 1001 tricks to try in bed, how to be a boss b.i.t.c.h plus a few unhealthy ways to lose ten pounds in a week. Every day"s a school day."
"Ah, you found my secret stash of trash mags, huh? Guilty." She brightens up. "Look, I need some way to unwind after this hectic single girl lifestyle I lead."
"Yeah, I bet."
She smiles at me and I smile back. Her mood seems different than it was yesterday. Comfortable... Happier... But still just a little nervous.
And I feel something familiar welling up inside of me again.
Desire.
This girl has an effect on me.
I follow her back inside and I watch her gather a few things from around the studio while Babeen squeezes his way between her legs.
"So, how was your day aside from dragging my sc.r.a.p metal out of a ditch?"
"Weird. But...I have a surprise for you."
"I"m not sure my legs are ready for another one of your surprises," I laugh, still sore from our hike.
"Don"t worry, we"re not going far."
I extend my hand and she takes it. We exit out the ranch slider into the clearing of her back yard that looks out at a vast expanse of ocean-side cliffs and tundra.
We breach a dense bush-line, curve around some big rocks until we are standing on an overhanging cliff. She pulls a big towel out of her backpack and lays it down on the dirt, laying out a small picnic as I watch.
"If I didn"t know any better, I"d think you were trying to keep me here Lucy," I say, sitting down next to her, my knees aching.
"I"m just trying to help," she replies.
"I do have to head off tomorrow. I"ve got to get my bike fixed, find my wallet, and figure out what the next step is for me. I can"t do that here... I"ve already overstayed my welcome."
"You"re no burden," she says.
"Yet."
"Never. Honestly, stay as long as you need. I enjoy your company."
"Lucy, I don"t wanna offend you in saying this. Why, G.o.ddammit, why do you want to keep me here so badly?"
"I don"t." She"s quick to answer. "I just want to make sure you"re fit enough to leave. What if you go back to Jethrow and realize it was a mistake? You"ll be alone."
"I want you to come with me."
"What?" she asks, choking on a bite of her sandwich.
"Help me get my bike back to Jethrow. I"m remembering things. Names, faces. I know my club is back there and I know I can fix whatever the h.e.l.l happened. I"ve got money there... I can pay you back for what you"ve done here."
"Landon, you know I"d do anything for you it"s just... I can"t go to Jethrow... I mean..." She cuts herself off and her eyes widen. I stare at her for a moment. She"s do anything for me? What in the h.e.l.l was going on with this girl?
"What about Mia?" she says, derailing my whole chain of thought.
"I might have hit my head, but I do know one thing. I"m not with Mia. I don"t think I"ve ever been with her."
I pause as Lucy looks me over, her eyes clearly looking for some evidence that I might be lying to her... Thing is, I meant every d.a.m.n word I just said. Body, heart, and soul.
"I need to tell you something," she says matter of factly, breaking her silence. "Because you"re leaving and it"s one of the last chances I"m going to get to tell you..."
12.
I tense up. The secret was right there on the tip of my tongue. I just had to breathe and the truth would be out there. I was going to tell Landon I knew him - know him - and pray he wouldn"t run. But I don"t do it. I can"t.
What"s the point?
What"s the point of any of this? Why am I trying to keep alive something we buried six years ago?
I walk to the edge of the cliff. My stomach lurches when my foot slips gently in some loose soil. I regain my footing and stare down to the crashing waves thirty feet below me. Who would miss me if I fell? And by me, I don"t mean Lucy Rivers, the bulls.h.i.t artiste. I mean Lucienne Rose Palermo, the real me, the girl I used to be. Landon wouldn"t. To him, I"m a crazy girl too keen on nursing a convict. Todd wouldn"t either. He"d say I"m manipulative... That I"m just a girl who led him on and gave nothing back. And Billie... Well, I"m not who she thinks I am anyway. Let her miss Lucy Rivers. Maybe Babeen would miss me, if only for a few weeks until he realizes the other neighbors would put food out for him too.
"Lucy?"
Landon"s memory might never return. I kick some stones and watch as they splash into the ocean making so sound at all.
"Careful there, sweetheart."
Landon"s memory might never return and I"ll be left alone with the secret; Left to bear the heavy load, left to be the only one questioned by cops should they reopen the case- Lonely Little Lucy.
"Why did you come here?" I say to the old Landon, though I know he isn"t here anymore.
"I still don"t remember, Lucy. When I do, you"ll be one of the first to know."
"Why here?" I insist to this familiar voice behind me, pretending it"s the dead talking. "Why Baddock National f.u.c.king Park? This isn"t even the quickest way between places."
"Maybe I wanted to take the scenic route."
He"s laughing this off. I kick a bigger stone into the water this time and take another step closer to the cliff"s breach, teasing myself.
"What if you came here for something important? What if you never remember?"
"Lucy, calm down. Please step back from there."
"What if?"