Everyone turns to look at us when we enter the art therapy room. Four kids our age and the therapist, all sitting around a long wooden table. One boy leans back, looking bored with us all, but I can see his leg moving like a jackhammer under the table. Another is short and stout, with more pimples than skin covering his sullen face. The girl closest to me is chewing her gum open-mouthed, the sound so loud it almost sounds like she"s talking. The other girl"s face is bowed so low that all I can see is the top of her head.
The only one who looks the least bit friendly is the therapist. She"s a tall, thin woman with long grey-black hair, dressed in the clothes of a working-artist: a T-shirt, paint-stained jeans, and sandals. She beams at us, then says, "Ah, good. There you are. Welcome. I"m Julie." She motions toward Mrs. Archer. "And this is Eileen. She"ll be joining us every week and helping me out as a part of her training. I hope you"ll be nice to her. Now, if the two of you would take a seat, we"ll begin."
I sit as far away from the others as I can, realizing even as I do it that it sets me apart, but I can"t seem to stop myself. Already I"m stiffening up inside, preparing for the isolation I"ve created-but then Meghan plops down in the chair beside me and I relax.
I take a deep breath and look around. The walls are the same ugly cream in here. And the supplies are so meager. All we have are large pieces of manila paper spread out on the table, along with jugs of crayons and big, flat paintbrushes with rough synthetic bristles that come off while you paint. Bottles of cheap tempera and cans of water sit in the center. Next to them are chunks of Styrofoam and wood, empty spools, cardboard tubes, glue, and wire. It"s like what you"d give to a bunch of kindergartners. I slump in my seat.
"I know some of you are artists," Julie says, "and I"m sorry we don"t have anything better to use. My supplier went bankrupt and didn"t bother to tell me. I should have some better materials for you by next week."
She looks around at all of us. "Some of you are probably nervous, wondering how this works. Let me tell you right now that no one"s art will be judged here-not by me and not by anyone else. The goal isn"t to create something artistically pleasing, but rather to express yourself. I don"t want you to think about how it looks. Instead, I want you to paint what you feel."
I shift uneasily in my seat. She"s telling us the opposite of everything I"ve learned about technique. How a painting looks is what communicates the feeling. And aren"t we supposed to be expressing feelings?
Julie looks at me like she knows what I"m thinking, and I duck my head, avoiding her eyes.
"Any questions?" she asks.
"What are we supposed to draw?" the pimple-faced boy asks.
"Anything you like, Peter. It just has to come from inside you."
"Gee, maybe I"ll draw my blood and guts," Meghan mutters.
Giggles bubble up inside me, frothy and chaotic. I press my hand against my lips, holding back my laughter.
"If you"d like more direction, then draw how you see yourself right at this moment," Julie says. "Eileen and I will be walking around the table to talk with each of you. Meanwhile, go ahead and get started."
I bite the inside of my cheek. I don"t even know if I should be here. If he can get into my backpack without my seeing him, he can probably get hold of the art I do here. I"ll just have to make sure I don"t let stuff out in my artwork-make sure there"s nothing to show him what"s started coming back to me.
Meghan grabs one of the big brushes and starts spreading thick, dark streaks of blue over her paper. She doesn"t seem to care what her strokes will show. I pull out a crayon and roll it between my fingers. The scent of crisp paper and colored wax tugs at some sadness locked inside me.
I touch the crayon to the soft yellow paper. The deep color of the wax is rich and full, and I wonder why people think crayons are only for children. I long to draw, to let the crayon bring out the texture of the paper beneath it.
No. I can"t. I set the crayon firmly down.
Julie"s walking slowly around the room, stopping to comment here, encourage there. When she reaches me, she stands there for a long moment. She leans her hand against the table. "Having trouble?" she asks softly.
"I"m just considering my options," I say, picking my crayon back up, and tapping it against my lips like I"m thinking.
"I"d prefer you not plan it out," Julie says. "For art therapy, it"s better to come right from your gut. I know you have some training in art, so it must be hard for you to let go of that, but I"d like you to try."
My ears heat up. I don"t have any trouble creating art with feeling! I"m not my mom. I grip the crayon, wanting to show her. If I"m careful, if I keep him out of it, what can it hurt?
I make a light mark against the paper, then another, giving in to the longing. A girl"s face appears, her mouth sewn shut with zigzags of black thread. In one hand is the needle, and in the other is a st.i.tch ripper, its point jagged and sharp.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I"m aware that Julie"s moved away, but I hardly care. I keep drawing, pulling out the story from the paper. Blood speckles the tip of the st.i.tch ripper, and one thread hangs loose from the girl"s mouth.
I sketch in stormy skies behind the girl, and trees bending in the wind-though if I was following technique, I should have drawn those in first. I press the crayon so hard against the paper, it snaps. I can hear my mom, chiding me to be more careful. I draw even faster; and at the corner of the page, almost entirely out of the drawing, a man"s hand appears, reaching for the girl.
"G.o.d, if you can do that with crayons, you must be dynamite with paint," Meghan says, leaning over my arm to look.
I come back to the room with a start. "It"s just a sketch," I say, but she leans in closer. The gum-chewing girl gets up and comes over, too. I sink down in my chair. So much for holding myself back.
"Meghan, Stacey, please focus on your own work," Julie says. She walks over and looks at Meghan"s page, then sits next to her. "This girl looks like she"s been through something pretty awful," she says, smoothing out the paper. "Want to tell me about her?"
"Nope. It"s just a f.u.c.king picture."
"I think it"s more than that. I think it"s trying to tell me something."
I sneak a glance. Meghan has crudely painted a girl with a smile stamped on her face, a brownish-yellow tattoo on her shoulder, and a beer bottle in her hand. Brownish-yellow-like a bruise. I glance at Meghan, sitting there so rigidly, and I know Julie"s right. I want to say, "I"m sorry you"re hurting," but I know that would only make it worse.
My stomach cramps. A shadow rises up inside me, smothering my breath. His hand clutching my thigh. Yellow-brown marks beneath, like fingerprints, on my skin. A warm, sticky trail of blood and s.e.m.e.n on my legs. His voice hissing, "I will kill you if you tell."
I grip the edge of the table-and my drawing comes back into focus, the man"s hand jumping out at me. His hand. There"s something familiar about the blunt finger-nails, the hair on his fingers, the way he holds his hand.
I can"t draw air into my lungs. I look away, ignoring the spinning in my head, the sickness in my stomach. I don"t know whose hand it is. I don"t!
I hitch in a breath, then another.
"I tell you, it"s just a picture," Meghan is saying. "Lay off with your a.n.a.lytical s.h.i.t."
"Nothing is just a picture. Each one tells us something."
I hunch over my page, trying to block their view.
"The girl"s fine," Meghan insists. "She"s smiling."
"Sure, she"s smiling," Julie says. "But it looks like she"s trying to hide how she feels."
Meghan throws her brush down. "What is it with you people? You"re not happy unless you dig something up, are you? Well, guess what? There"s nothing for you to find!"
I try to shut out what she"s saying. But the room is too small, her voice too harsh, and I"m drowning in the pain that fills the room.
"n.o.body"s hurt me!" Meghan shouts. "n.o.body"s snuck into my room at night and climbed into my bed, n.o.body"s put an iron to my face. All right? I"m not some abused kid!"
Dark spots dance in front of me. I"m rocking on a bed, pain like a knife between my legs and blood on the sheets. "If you tell, you will die," he says, his voice low and hoa.r.s.e. I can hear his voice now, can hear it as clearly as if he"s right here beside me. But I can"t let myself recognize his voice. I won"t.
Images rip through my brain, pounding behind my eyes. His huge body on top of mine, driving into me. My hands gripping the sheets. My body arched with pain.
I shudder.
Meghan crumples up her painting and tosses it on the floor.
Julie reaches down and picks it up, smoothing it out.
"Just forget it!" Meghan yells, her voice breaking-breaking, the way I am inside. I feel the pain in her, as strong as my own. I feel her terror at being cornered, at someone trying to rip out the secrets embedded in her skin.
"Leave her alone!" I scream, leaping from my chair. "Just leave her alone!"
"I wasn"t talking to you," Julie says. "I was talking to Meghan."
"But she doesn"t want to talk!" I say, trembling. "Stop trying to make her!"
Everyone is staring at me, even Mrs. Archer. Especially Mrs. Archer. I sink back into my chair, my face burning. I"ve really done it now.
Julie rubs her hand over her eyes. "Maybe I did push a little too hard," she says, turning to Meghan. "I"m sorry."
"Hey, it"s no skin off my back," Meghan says, but she looks close to tears. She pushes her hair out of her eyes and smiles, her lips quivering.
I can"t smile back. I clench my hands under the table, digging my nails into my skin. I need to cut.
"Kendra? How"re you doing?" Julie asks, resting a hand on my shoulder.
"Fine," I say. "Just fine."
11.
Julie and Mrs. Archer look at each other across the table, and I know they don"t believe me. I"m shaking so hard I can hear my teeth chatter.
Julie"s hand is still on my shoulder. She leans down close. "Come outside with me."
I follow her out of the room, into the hallway. The fluorescent lights flicker and buzz.
Julie closes the door and looks at me, her eyes sad. "Something really upset you in there, didn"t it?"
"I"m sorry. It won"t happen again."
"That"s not what worries me." Julie tilts her head to one side. "Why were you so upset when I was trying to get Meghan to talk?"
"Because sometimes it isn"t safe to," I say without thinking. I close my mouth fast. I need to shut myself down right now. I need to cut.
"Sometimes it"s not safe to," Julie says. "Is that what it"s like for you?"
His hand, gripping my wrist. His lips against my ear.
I blink hard, pushing the shadows away. I"ve got to think my way out of this. I"ve got to keep her from the truth.
"I"ve got a therapist," I say. "Carolyn Fairchild. You can call her if you like. But I"m already dealing with it."
"I will kill you if you tell."
"I"m glad to hear that," Julie says.
I want to cut so bad, it"s hard to concentrate. "I don"t mean to be rude, but I have to go to the bathroom."
Julie studies me. "You"re sure you don"t want to-"
"I"ve really got to go."
"All right. But come straight back."
I force myself to walk slowly away-but as soon as I round the corner, out of her sight, I"m running, flying toward my release. I smash into the bathroom and shut myself into a stall.
I have the warm blade out of my pocket and into my hand almost before I have the door locked. I tear off the bandage and slash until I can"t hear his voice any more, until I can"t see his hands. I slash until the fear leaves me.
Then I clean up the blood and wrap my arm tightly, pulling my sleeve back down over my tender arm. When I walk back in, the whole room looks different-bigger, brighter, not so full of pain. I settle in next to Meghan and turn my paper over.
My head is clear again. The shadows are gone. I pick up the crayons and draw another picture, one that I know won"t show too much-and the drawing spills out of me like I was meant to draw it. It shows two girls holding hands, smiling up at the clear blue sky. All around their bare feet are shards of gla.s.s, but the girls are safe where they stand.
Meghan reaches out beneath the table and rests her hand on my thigh. Her hand is warm and heavy, and I feel myself come back into my body, to the dull, throbbing pain in my arm, to the feeling of her hand on my jeans. Her hand feels good. Safe. Even comforting. I don"t want her to move it away.
"You all right?" she whispers.
I nod. I can"t tell her, but I"m better than I was before. I know how to stop the shadows now; how to keep them from coming into my art. I know how to keep myself safe. All I have to do is cut. Cut until it all bleeds away.
12.
Julie stands, then says, "Sometimes art therapy can bring up a lot of emotion, so I"d like you all to be gentle with yourselves over the coming week. This was a good session, people; you should be proud of yourselves. I"ll see you all again next Thursday; I know you"ll be looking forward to it."
"She"s a regular comedian, that one," Meghan mutters.
I laugh. I can laugh again.
Meghan and I roll up our art, fastening elastic bands around the sheets. We walk out of the room together, carrying the rolls of paper like sabers.
"You really saved my a.s.s back there," Meghan says. "Thank you."
"I"m sorry I made such a scene."
"You kidding?" Meghan grins. "You took the heat right off me!" Her face grows serious. "You"ve been through some rough s.h.i.t, haven"t you?"
"Yeah. Kinda."