FOLD ARMS.--Inspector enters babies" room smiling. Inspector: "Now, all look at me; I want you to be very good. What is it to be good?" Baby hand rises. Inspector: "Well?" Baby: "Please, mam, to fold our arms."
Inspector: "Oh! How does that make you good?" Baby: "_Please, mam, it keeps our bellies warm._"
SELF-POSSESSED.--She was four, and had just been promoted from the babies" cla.s.s. It was a "number" lesson, and the little maid was first given three small blocks and then two others. "How many have you now?"
she was asked. "One and one make two," was the reply. "Yes, I know, but I asked how many blocks you had now?" "One and one make two," was again the answer. "Yes, but what do three and two make?" The little arithmetician removed her thumb from her mouth, jerked it in the direction of the small boys at the other side of the room, and said, "_One o" them"ll tell you._"
ONE REASON.--Vicar (catechising on cruelty): "Can any boy tell me what those marvellous insects are that travel on tracks of their own making in the woods?" Chorus: "Ants." Vicar: "Quite right. Now I have seen boys cruel enough to stamp on the laborious ants. Should you do so?" Chorus: "No, sir." Vicar: "Girls don"t stamp on ants. Why not, Todd?" Todd: "_Please, sir, "cos they gets up their legs!_"
ROUGH ON THE SCHOOL-BOARD MAN.--Letter from parent: "Dear Miss,--Pleese to scuse my Arry from a comin to scool this afternoon as "e was nocked down by a bycycle this mornin an I dont want none of them nosey old scool bored men after me, from Mrs. ----."
WHY RACHEL WAS AWAY.--"Dear Madam,--Plese exkuse Rachel Abrams as she had to go and fech her mother"s liver."
"NUFF SAID.--A tiny tot in the babies" room was being scolded by her teacher for having dirty hands. "You naughty girl! how dare you come to school with those dirty hands?" With tears streaming down her face the little tot answered, "_Pease, teacher, I ain"t dot no more!_"
A SENSATIONAL OPENING.--Teacher giving object-lesson on "Mice" to five-year-olds before H.M.I. introduces lesson by asking, "What animal is it which, when you are in bed, comes out of its hole and runs about the floor?" Five-year-old (in loud tones): "_It is the li-on!_"
EXCUSED.--"Plese sur mister will you escus Charlee not been to scool as he as got no trouses and is farther wont let him come without--your torueley Mrs. B----."
THE PHARISEES.--By a small Londoner: "The Fareses was a very minjy, measley lot. One day one of them gave Our Lord a penny, and Our Lord held it out in His hand and looked at it with scorn, and said, "_Whose subscription is this?_""
"ON SATDY."--Composition exercise by a nine-year-old: "On Satdy I do all the work, and then I go over and do all my Ants, in the afternoon I take Missis greens baby out in the Pram, i get a apeny on Satdy, sumtimes I by bulls i"s. On Satdy nite I have a baf and wate up for my farther."
THE SOUL OF WIT.--The teacher had given to each of a junior cla.s.s a simple and familiar subject for composition. For twenty minutes the cla.s.s composed, and was composed. The genius of the little group had been instructed to write about "Our Cat." The result of his twenty minutes deep cogitation and tremendous effort was the following essay, almost matchless for brevity, clearness, completeness, and, moreover, depth of pathos: "_Our cat is dead!_"
A BIT ON EACH WAY.--Some lads who were beginning to write composition were told to write an essay on the horse. One lad had given a good description of the animal and wished to write something about its tail.
He wrote the following sentence: "_The horse sometimes has a long tail or tale._" When asked why he had written down the two words he replied that "he thought that if one was marked wrong the other would sure to be right."
THE EXCEPTION.--The Tenth Commandment, up to date, as given at a recent Scripture examination by a lad of seven summers: "Thou shalt not covet my nabours wife, thou shalt not covet my nabours house, nor his servant nor his made nor his ox nor is a.s.s nor anything but is ears."
SEE THAT YE FALL NOT OUT.--Down in Hampshire a curate was giving a Scripture lesson on Joseph and his brethren. He asked the boys why Joseph said, "See that ye fall not out by the way." A boy from a neighbouring village, used to riding about the farm, replied, "_Cause they had no tailboord to the caart._"
IT IS POSSIBLE.--During a Scripture lesson, which was being taken by a clergyman, some boys were asked each to give a text from the Bible. One lad said, "And Judas went and hanged himself." "Well!" said the reverend gentleman, "that is hardly a good text," and, pointing to another lad, asked _him_ to give a text, and the lad said, "_Go thou and do likewise!_"
INDIGNATION.--The following story is an amusing instance of the way in which boys mix their stories historical or scriptural. When asked for the reply of Naaman the leper to the command to wash seven times in Jordan, a boy gave the answer as, "_Is thy servant a dog that he should do this thing?_"
NO ROOM FOR THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR.--A short time ago a teacher was giving a lesson on the Birth of Christ, when she referred the cla.s.s to the 9th chapter of Isaiah, and verse 6, which reads: "For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given, _and the government shall be upon His shoulder_," &c. Here the teacher asked what was meant by the government being upon His shoulder. One child, holding up her hand, said, "_Please, teacher, it means that the child Jesus will have to be vaccinated._"
THE WIDOW AGAIN.--The teacher had been giving a lesson on Magna Charta, during the course of which he tried to impress on the children the benefits certain Articles conferred on Englishmen at the present day. He especially drew attention to Article 20, and called upon a boy at the close of the lesson to repeat that Article. Boy: "No freeman, merchant, or villain, shall be excessively fined for a small offence; the first shall not be deprived of his means of livelihood; the second of his merchandise; and the third of his _implements of husbandry_." Teacher: "Can anyone tell me the name of an implement of husbandry." Little Girl: "_Please, sir! a widow._"
THOUGHTFUL.--Billy, an urchin of five, going to school, takes an apple from his pocket, spits on it, and rubs it vigorously on his dirty and ragged trousers. "Hallo, Billy! What are you doing that for?" Billy (holding up apple and looking pleased): "_"Tis for taicher. Her wont ait un if he"s dirty._"
THE CORRECT THING TO SAY.--Town lad"s composition on "A Half-holiday": "Yesterday we had a half-holiday and I enjoyed myself very much. After dinner I did the knives and forks and cleaned the windows and the boots.
Then a boy came round with a football and wanted me to go to the park with him. But I could not go because my mother was going out and I had to mind the baby. When she came home we had tea, and then I went to my place and took out orders till nine o"clock. Then I went to bed and came to school this morning. I enjoyed myself very much."
SUBJECT TO A PROVISO.--Composition by boy, age seven. _Time._--Morning previous to half-holiday for the opening of Kew Bridge by the King.
_Subject._--What I shall do this afternoon. "Wen I have had my diner I shall call for Bob Scott and his mother mite let me play tops with him in there yard. Then we shall go on the Common to here the band, and _if my tea is not ready I will wait to see the King go by_ and I will wave my cap at him and I expect he will wave his at me."
THE RAIN AND THE UNJUST.--A smart boy"s composition on rain: "Rain comes down from heaven on the just and the unjust, but mostly upon the just, because the unjust have borrowed the umbrellas of the just and have forgotten to return them."
A SURPRISING PRAYER.--"How do we pray for the magistrates in the Litany?" asked the Vicar. "That it may please Thee to bless and keep the magistrates, giving them grace to execute _all Bishops, Priests, and Deacons_," answered the unconscious boy.