Months, I thought. "A couple of hours. I"ll call you sometime tonight. Is there a number where I can reach you or do I just call the service?"
"Pick a time," he said. "I"ll meet you in front of your hotel."
"You don"t have to do that."
"It"s too easy to say no over the phone. I figure the odds are better face to face. Besides, if the answer"s yes we"ll want to talk some. And you"ll want some money from me."
I shrugged.
"Pick a time."
"Ten?"
"In front of your hotel."
"All right," I said. "If I had to answer now, it"d be no."
"Then it"s good you got until ten."
He paid for the coffee. I didn"t put up a fight.
I went back to the hotel and up to the room. I tried to think straight and couldn"t. I couldn"t seem to sit still, either. I kept moving from the bed to the chair and back again, wondering why I hadn"t given him a final no right away. Now I had the aggravation of getting through the hours until ten o"clock and then finding the resolve to turn down what he was offering.
Without thinking too much about what I was doing I put on my hat and coat and went around the corner to Armstrong"s. I walked in the door not knowing what I was going to order. I went up to the bar and Billie started shaking his head when he saw me coming. He said, "I can"t serve you, Matt. I"m sorry as h.e.l.l."
I felt the color mounting in my face. I was embarra.s.sed and I was angry. I said, "What are you talking about? Do I look drunk to you?"
"No."
"Then how the h.e.l.l did I get to be eighty-six around here?"
His eyes avoided mine. "I don"t make the rules," he said. "I"m not saying you"re not welcome here. Coffee or a c.o.ke or a meal, h.e.l.l, you"re a valued longtime customer. But I"m not allowed to sell you booze."
"Who says?"
"The boss says. When you were in here the other night - "
Oh, G.o.d. I said, "I"m sorry about that, Billie. I"ll tell you the truth, I had a couple of bad nights. I didn"t even know I came in here."
"Don"t worry about it."
Christ, I wanted to hide behind something. "Was I very bad, Billie? Did I make trouble?"
"Aw, s.h.i.t," he said. "You were drunk, you know? It happens, right? I used to have this Irish landlady, I came in bagged one night and apologized the next day, and she would say, "Jaysus, son, it could happen to a bishop." You didn"t make any trouble, Matt."
"Then - "
"Look," he said, and leaned forward. "I"ll just repeat what I was told. He told me, he said, if the guy wants to drink himself to death I can"t stop him, and if he wants to come in here he"s welcome, but I"m not selling him the booze. This isn"t me talking, Matt. I"m just saying what was said."
"I understand."
"If it was up to me - "
"I didn"t come in for a drink anyway," I said. "I came in for coffee."
"In that case - "
"In that case the h.e.l.l with it," I said. "In that case I think what I want is a drink and it shouldn"t be all that hard to find somebody willing to sell it to me."
"Matt, don"t take it that way."
"Don"t tell me how to take it," I said. "Don"t give me that s.h.i.t."
There was something clean and satisfying about the rage I felt. I stalked out of there, my anger burning with a pure flame, and stood on the sidewalk trying to decide where to go for a drink.
Then someone was calling my name.
I turned. A fellow in an army jacket was smiling gently at me. I couldn"t place him at first. He said it was good to see me and asked how I was doing, and then of course I knew who it was.
I said, "Oh, hi, Jim. I"m okay, I guess."
"Going to the meeting? I"ll walk with you."
"Oh," I said. "Gee, I don"t think I"m going to be able to make it tonight. I have to see a guy."
He just smiled. Something clicked, and I asked him if his last name was Faber.
"That"s right," he said.
"You called me at the hotel."
"Just wanted to say h.e.l.lo. Nothing important."
"I didn"t recognize the name. Otherwise I would have called you back."
"Sure. You sure you don"t want to tag along to the meeting, Matt?"
"I wish I could. Oh, Jesus."
He waited.
"I"ve been having a little trouble, Jim."
"That"s not so unusual, you know."
I couldn"t look at him. I said, "I started drinking again. I went, I don"t know, seven or eight days. Then I started again, and I was doing okay, you know, controlling it, and then one night I got into trouble."
"You got in trouble when you picked up the first one."