He reached forward, grasped her hands, and smiled. "Yes, I am. I"m so glad you feel that way."
Farrah yanked her hands away from him. "Not me. You need to meet someone else, to get married and have a family."
He stiffened from head to toe. "I"m not going to have a family. No children for me. So if you aren"t going to want children at this point in your life, then there"s nothing stopping us."
"But..."
He held up his hands. "Let"s not think about it. All I want to think about is Sat.u.r.day night. We"re going to have a great time. Now let"s get back and show everyone that they"re cheering for the right team. This show is prea.s.signed seating, and I got great seats. I"ll pick you up at six, but I"m counting on seeing you before then at the animal shelter."
Farrah sighed. This was against her better judgment, but at the same time she could hardly wait. But until then, she had to face the ma.s.ses.
"Okay, let"s go back. But remember, if I have a rotten time, you"re going to have to face the consequences with them."
Matt pressed both palms over his heart. "I"m ready."
He was, but was she?
Chapter 10.
I changed my mind."
Matt"s heart sank. So far they"d had a wonderful time-at least he"d thought so. They"d had a relatively traffic-free drive, considering the usual downtown Seattle mayhem, Sat.u.r.days included. As happened every time they got together, when she forgot about their age difference they had a great conversation, and, of course, he fell just a little more in love with her. If that were possible.
As promised, their table was close to the stage with a good view of the performers. The meal was superb and the show fantastic. He"d bought the tickets because he knew Farrah was a hard-core jazz fan. He wasn"t, but this band was different than he"d expected-there was no bra.s.s, just strings and the drummer. When he got home, he would go online and buy a selection of this band"s music. He liked them that much.
When the band had first started up, she"d agreed with him that it was a great performance in a small venue. Matt didn"t know what had changed. He tried to smile but knew it came across as strained. "I"m sorry. I thought you"d really enjoy the guitarist."
She beamed ear to ear, and he could have sworn his heart skipped a few beats.
Farrah waved one hand in the air. "Yes, of course he"s good, but look at that ba.s.s player." Her eyes went a little starry, her smile turned a little crooked, and she sighed.
Matt turned toward the stage. The ba.s.s player was an older gentleman with gray hair at his temples, a good start to a bald spot, and a few lines showing at the corners of his eyes. Overall he was quite a handsome man for his age, which Matt figured was in his early fifties.
His fine meal turned to a lump in his stomach.
The ba.s.s player was about the same age as Farrah.
She sighed again. "That"s what I want."
Of course it was. "Oh," was all he could say.
"How much do you think it is? Is it expensive?"
"What?" He shook his head. "Excuse me?"
"That electric stand-up ba.s.s. Just look at it. Doesn"t it look fun to play? I want one like that."
His heart picked up in double time. Just like the last song the band had done. She wasn"t going to dump him after all. "Yyeah," he stammered. "It looks great for a stage performance, but it"s probably not practical. I mean, it"s big and maybe heavy. Might be awkward to carry around."
Farrah shrugged. "Then I"ll get a regular ba.s.s guitar. I"ve been thinking about it for a while and now I know for sure. I want to play both ba.s.s guitar and regular guitar. What do you think? Have you ever played ba.s.s guitar?"
"I have one, but I don"t play it often."
"I wonder if..." Her voice trailed off as she turned to face him. "Are you okay? Your face is awful pale. Do we need to leave?"
He felt the paleness change to a blush, hoping she wasn"t going to ask what he"d been thinking. "I"m fine. But since you mention it, they"ll be asking everyone to leave soon so the second performance can get started."
She sipped her coffee, set the cup down on the saucer, and checked her watch. "You"re right. The time sure went fast. This was really nice. Thank you."
They leisurely made their way out to the car. As Matt opened the door for her, he said, "It"s still early. Instead of calling it a night, how would you like to take Rex out for a walk with me? My street is well lit, and I live in a safe neighborhood."
She smiled. "I"d like that."
Farrah waited on the porch with Rex while Matt went inside to check his other animals.
Tonight she"d done something she promised herself she would never do. She"d known going out on a real date-which it was, no matter what she called it-would be a mistake. And she was right, but the youth group had goaded her and she"d fallen for it.
Or rather, she was falling for him. Which was wrong...so wrong.
"All locked up. Let"s go."
Unlike her walks with Tippy, Rex stopped often to check out all the landmarks and poles along Matt"s street. Of course she was in no hurry and neither was Matt. His neighborhood was safe and busy. Besides, Rex was pretty fearsome, and Matt had taught him to growl on command. The display of teeth and the noise would frighten off any potential attacker.
Somehow, Farrah couldn"t imagine Tippy scaring off a mugger, but the thought amused her.
When they arrived at the park, Matt unclipped Rex from the leash to let him run, and the dog took off across the field. Before she could think of what was happening, Matt"s fingers became entwined with hers. "We can just stay here and wait. Rex knows his way in the dark. He won"t be long."
Her heart sped up. Part of her had seen this moment coming, and part of her didn"t want to deal with it, but part of her wanted him to never let go.
In the muted light of the streetlamp, she watched Rex circle his favorite tree.
Holding hands with Matt was wrong. He should have been holding hands with someone his own age. But for today, Farrah chose to turn back the clock.
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I really enjoyed myself tonight. How would you like to do the same thing next weekend? Well, something similar. There"s so much to do around Seattle."
No. She couldn"t. She hadn"t wanted tonight to be a date-it was an obligation. Or something. If they went out again, without the youth group cheering in the background, that would be another date, and she couldn"t do that to him when this wasn"t right.
Matt turned and smiled at her. "Actually, next weekend there"s a dog show I wanted to check out. Would you like to go with me?"
A dog show wasn"t a date. "Sure."
"Then we can go out for dinner afterward. There"s a great seafood place near the arena. How about it?"
Dinner afterward at a fancy restaurant was a date. But if they were already in the neighborhood, then it was only half a date. So that didn"t count. "Sure."
"Great. When we get back to my place, would you like to have a try at my ba.s.s guitar? Maybe we can have a jam session."
Farrah laughed. "I can barely play a handful of chords on the guitar. What makes you think I"ll be able to play anything coherent in one day?"
"I have great confidence in you. Even if all you do is play the bottom note on the first beat, it will be fun."
She looked up into his eyes, never having felt so pulled apart in her life. This couldn"t go on. She had to cut loose and spare them both the agony. It wasn"t fair to him and it wasn"t fair to her.
Matt tugged her hand, and before she realized what she was doing, he"d led her a few steps off the sidewalk and onto the gra.s.s, where he stopped and nudged her under a tree, giving them as much privacy as they could have in a dark public park.
"What"s wrong?" he asked.
Amazing how he could tell. Or maybe not so amazing.
"I don"t really know. I just feel so strange about this. What"s happening between us?"
He dropped her hand then cupped her cheeks with his palms and bowed his head. "This is happening." He closed his eyes and kissed her. Not just a little peck this time. If she"d thought that his first kiss had rocked her, this was earth shattering. Her heart pounded and her knees turned to jelly. His hands drifted down to her waist then her back, and he pulled her close to him, enveloping her in his kiss.
She wrapped her arms around his back and embraced him as fully as he embraced her, sharing a closeness like no other.
At the sound of a woof and a cold nose prodding her, she forced herself to separate from him. "It"s late," she muttered. "We should go."
He didn"t speak; he only nodded and bent to clip Rex to the leash. They walked back to his house in silence, only this time instead of holding hands, his arm remained around her waist, just as one of her arms remained around his.
So many years ago, when she"d been engaged, it hadn"t felt this intense. Even though with age came maturity, she didn"t know what to do or in which direction to turn. It was too late to turn back, but she couldn"t move forward.
When they got back to his house, she couldn"t go inside. Her brain was spinning, and she couldn"t concentrate on a guitar lesson or anything right now. Instead of walking to the door, she stopped at his car in the driveway. "I think I should go home."
Without a word, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and hit the b.u.t.ton to unlock the car. While she opened her door, Matt opened the back door and Rex hopped in. "I hope you don"t mind," he said before he closed the door.
"Not at all." In fact, she thought it was rather sweet that he"d asked.
Just like everything he did. Thoughtful and always mindful of others.
They chatted about all sorts of things she knew she"d never remember discussing.
Like a gentleman, he turned off the car and escorted her to the door.
Before she could open it, Matt"s hand covered the doork.n.o.b. "I think we have to talk," he said.
She didn"t know whether to laugh or scream. A man needing to talk. She didn"t know if she could handle a talk right now, but since his hand was on her doork.n.o.b, she didn"t have a choice unless she broke a window and jumped in.
"I love you, Farrah. I know it"s been fast, but that doesn"t change the fact that it"s true. This probably feels awkward for you, so I didn"t want to leave you at loose ends. I know what you"re thinking."
She would have laughed if the whole thing hadn"t been so pathetic. "I don"t think you do."
His lips narrowed and his head tilted a bit to one side. "I think I do. I know our age difference is really bothering you, but I"m okay with it. More than okay. I think what"s bothering you the most, though, isn"t retirement or traveling or anything like that, but that you"re past the point of having children. That"s okay. I"m never going to have children, and I"ve adjusted my life knowing that. This can work."
Farrah shook her head. "You can"t say that. If you met and fell in love with a woman, say, five or six years younger than you, you"re not too old to be a father. I know a few men at my church who became fathers after they turned forty, and they"re good fathers."
"I don"t think there"s any way for me to say this without being really blunt, so please forgive me. I"m never going to have children because I can"t."
"Can"t?"
"When I was in my late teens, I had what could be loosely defined as a sporting injury, and we"ll just say that when people talk about a man getting hit hard in a sensitive area and say he"ll never have kids, it"s not a joke."
Farrah felt all the blood drain from her face. "I didn"t know that was true."
"It"s true. I didn"t get medical attention because everyone was too embarra.s.sed, including me, and I"ve paid the price for it for my entire life."
"What about adoption?"
"The frequency of adoption in today"s society isn"t what it was a couple of generations ago. I couldn"t do that to a woman who wanted kids of her own. Every woman who wants kids should be able to, so I"ve stayed single. But you...please forgive me if I"m out of line, but if you don"t want to have kids at this point in your life, then I don"t think there"s anything stopping us from seeing where this will go. And I hope you know where I want us to end up."
Farrah felt her mouth drop open, but she couldn"t form a single word.
Matt pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I know I"ve hit you with a big one, so I think it"s best for me to go home and give you time to think. Can I pick you up for church in the morning?"
All she could do was nod.
"Good. See you then."
She stared at him as he returned to his car without completing the words to finish his sentence.
See you then, ready or not.
Chapter 11.
Matt sucked in a deep breath and knocked on Farrah"s door.
This was it. He hadn"t intended to hit her with the soap opera of his life, but it had all tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop himself. For years he"d been bitter, but he"d managed to fill the holes in his life with other people"s children-especially his sister"s oldest son, Tyler-and he"d filled in the rest with his work at the Homeward Pet Adoption Center. He knew he was okay, but he wasn"t really happy. But now that he"d met Farrah, he could be, and even though he knew she"d suffered some serious losses in her life, he would do his best to make her happy, too.
The door opened and there she was. Beautiful as always, dressed in a nice blouse and matching pants, ready for church. Except, like him, she had dark circles under her eyes, like she hadn"t slept very well either.
"Hi," was all he could say.
She looked up at him. "Do you want to talk now or later?" He was glad he hadn"t eaten breakfast because if he had, he would have lost it. "Now, I guess." He certainly wouldn"t have his heart in the worship service or the pastor"s sermon if he left this conversation hanging over his head, and he doubted she would either.
"I guess you"ve been thinking about this"-she waved one hand in the air-"whatever thing is going on, all night, too, right?"
"Yeah."