" There"ssomething I want to say to you," she heard him saying curtly.
Her heart gave a frightened anxious bound. Was he going to tell her thathe didn"t want her working for him any more? She could feel the pain,the despair the thought brought.
His back was still and set, his spine and his muscles tense. Her own bodystiffened in response, in antic.i.p.ation of what she had guessed he wasabout to say. She didn"t want to listen to him, didn"twant to hear himsaying that he no longer needed her. didn"t want to face up to the factthat, for whatever reason, he no longer wanted her in his life.
The friendship between them which had come to mean so much to her andwhich she had thought so well founded, so securely based, quiteobviously was a total fiction, which she had created for herself andwhich could never have been as important to him as it was to her.
Her mouth had gone dry, her palms nervously sticky. Pride told her not towait until he had said the actual words, but to antic.i.p.ate him, to tellhim she had guessed what it was he wanted to say, and that she quiteagreed that it was time for her to leave. to return to her real life, buteven as the words jostled for order in her brain, and she tried to gether tongue round them, he preempted her by asking brusquely," Did youmean it when you said that you"d be prepared to marry a man in order tohave children?"
At first she was too stunned to speak, too stunned almost to even take inwhat he was saying. Her mind, her body, her emotions had been prepared for a far different question to this, and were not programmed as yet todeal competently with it.
Hisquestion had completely confused her, and it was several secondsbefore she could slammer," Well, yes... yes, I did, but--" She wasn"tallowed to continue; still without turning round Stuart interrupted her.
" Good. In that case I have a proposition to put to you."
" A proposition?"
The bewilderment and confusion was clearly audible in her voice.
Stuart turned round, the tension easing out of his face slightly, a.n.a.lmost rueful expression taking its place as he told her," Well, perhaps" proposal" would be a better word to use, although, being mindful ofthe romantic connotations of that particular word... I"m asking you tomarry me, Sara.
Oh, I know this is probably neither the dme nor the place; I can see howmuch I"ve shocked you, which does not bode well from my point of view,but I"ve been turning the whole thing over and over in my mind, tryingto think of the best way to approach you, and in the end I decidedthat... Well, suffice it to say that I decided the best approach wasprobably the most straightforward one..." He gave her a wry glance.
" I think John Senior thinks I"m off my head. We were just about tostart planting out the new stock, when I suddenly knew I couldn"t delaythings any longer. I"ve left him surrounded by d.a.m.n near five hundredmixed saplings."
Sara stared at him. She was, she discovered, shaking slightly, likesomeone caught up in the aftermath of a bad shock.
" You want to marry we? But " " I want a wife," Stuart told heremotionlessly.
" Like you, I want a family, and it seems to me that since the two of usshare so many interests, so many aims, plus the fact that we get on sowell together, it must surely mean that a marriage between us must haveat worst a fifty-per-cent chance of surviving and at best, given thatsuch a marriage is something we both want and we"re both prepared tocommit ourselves to, a far higher chance of surviving than manymarriages between two people who consider themselves to be in love andwho also consider that that single emotion will be strong enough to bindthem together for an entire lifetime.
" I"m not trying to pressure you, Sara; your reluctant acceptance isn"twhat I want, and, before you say anything, I have to admit that this issomething I"ve been turning over in my mind for quite some time; thatI"ve had time to become accustomed to the idea, to let it take root andgrow, and, as it"s grown, I"ve found myself coming to believe more andmore firmly in it. You on the other hand haven"t had any time as yet todo any of these things. I can see that I"ve surprised you... shockedyou. Please don"t reject the idea out of hand. Give yourself time tothink about it. I"m quite prepared to wait. In the circ.u.mstances Iwouldn"t expect anything else than that you should need time to think itover... perhaps even to discuss it with your family."
" But we don"t love one another," Sara protested huskily.
" I... You..."
She was thinking as she spoke about that other woman. The woman he hadloved. She was, she discovered, thinking about her, and wondering almost angrily if Stuart would have proposed to her if he hadn"t sufferedher rejection, which was surely an idiotic thing to do, especially inthe circ.u.mstances; especially when she herself. Amazingly, instead ofwanting to tell him immediately that there was no way she could evenconsider his proposal, never mind accept it, she discovered that hermind was flitting from one trivial aspect of the situation to anotheralmost as though it was afraid to focus on the real nucleus of what hadbeen suggested.
Marriage to Stuart. Marriage to a man whom she didn"t love. Marriage toa man who did not love her. It was a ridiculous suggestion, almost aninsulting suggestion, and yet when her brain redirected the focus of thequestion and asked her how she felt about marriage to Stuart she wasastonished to discover how easily and smoothly her emotions seemed toadapt to it. Marriage to Stuart. children with Stuart. Living here withStuart and their children. Unconsciously her eyes registered herconfused emotions.
She realised that Stuart was. watching her and flushed a little.
" It"s... It"s..."
" All so unexpected?" he asked her wryly.
" I... I can"t believe you mean it."
" Take it from me, I do. In fact I"ve been nerving myself to discuss itwith you since the first night we met."
The night they"d met? But she hadn"t told him about Margaret"s advicethat she should look round for a man whom she liked and with whom she could comfortably and compatibly live until the next day. She puzzledmentally over this for a few seconds and then realised that Stuart wa.s.still waiting for her to make some kind of response to his proposal. hisproposition.
" I ... I just don"tknow what to say," she admitted helplessly.
" Does that mean you do know what to say, but don"t want to offend me bydoing so, or does it mean that you aren"t entirely averse to the idea,but that you need rather more time to think it over?"
" Yes," she told him, and then shook her head.
" I mean, no, I"m not averse to... to marrying you, but that I... Well Iwasn"t expecting--" " You mean, this is so sudden, Mr. Delaney," heinterrupted her, lightening the mood by teasing her a little.
Sara laughed, grateful to him for injecting a little humour into thesituation.
" Well, yes, it is," she agreed.
" I mean, I know you--" She stopped, unwilling to say that she knew thathe loved someone else, and that presumably that someone else, like Ian, was now forever out of his life.
" Well, I know that for both of us this marriage will be a sort of"second-best, she amended hurriedly, unable to look at him, in case shesaw in his eyes the pain caused by the knowledge that she was not reallythe one he wanted, the one he would have chosen, had he had the power offree choice.
To her surprise he checked her straight away, telling her almost curtly, " I don"t in any way see a marriage between us as being second-best; farfrom it.
In fact in my view..." He stopped and then said more calmly," I"vealready said that I don"t want to pressure you. I know what / want and Iknow that if you choose to marry me we"ll have all the ingredients tomake ourselves an extremely happy and enduring marriage, and abackground for our children which will give them the best possibleatmosphere in which to thrive and develop.
Think about it, Sara. Obviously the sooner you feel able to give me yourdecision."
" At least we can be sure of one thing," he added, turning away from herslightly.
" There can be no doubt that s.e.xually we"re going to be extremelycompatible."
How on earth did he know that? How on earth could he know it? She openedher mouth to ask him and then closed it again, conscious of a naivetyand self-consciousness that tied her tongue and kept her silent, whileher pulse raced and a sensation like a tiny jolt of electricity burnedthrough her body. an excitement. an awareness. an almost guilty knowledgeof the way she had felt when he"d kissed her and how eagerly her senseshad responded to him, how much she." I"d better get back to mysaplings," she heard Stuart saying behind her.
" If you wish you can call it a day and go home. I appreciate that I"vehardly chosen the most appropriate circ.u.mstances in which to approachyou, but " " No, no. After all, it isn"t as though we"re " " In love,"he supplied almost grimly for her.
" No, I suppose not. Even so, a little finesse..." He paused by the doorand turned to look at her.
" No matter what you think now," he told her quietly, as far as I"mconcerned, a marriage between us would never come into the category ofsecond-best. How you choose to view it is of course your own affair."
He was gone before she could make any response.
Now that she was on her own, she felt rather as though she had fallenasleep and had a particularly vivid dream, but realistically she knewshe had not been dreaming and that Stuart had in actual fact suggestedto her that they might marry.
And yet what startled her most of all about the entire incident was nothis proposal, but her own reaction to it, her own almost instinctiveawareness of how easy it would have been to say yes, then and there. of how easy it was to contemplate the reality of being married to Stuart.
But he was right; it was something she needed to think through properly,to consider and then reconsider. Not just for her own sake.
Not even for his, but, most importantly of all, for the children theyboth hoped they would have. She might be able to take the risk of makinga mistake for her own sake, but not for theirs, never for theirs.
When she did as Stuart had suggested and went home she found her parentsin the kitchen. Her mother was making pastry for a pie and her fatherwas sitting in front of the range reading his news paper.
" Sara, you"re home early is something wrong?" her mother askedanxiously as she walked in.
She shook her head, and then, a little to her own surprise, heardherself saying shakily," Stuart has just asked me to marry him."
Later she told herself that she had intended to qualify herannouncement, to explain that Stuart"s proposal had been prompted not bylove and pa.s.sion but by logic and reason, but somehow or other in hermother"s excited response to her news she found that by the dme she hadthe opportunity to intercede and explain what had prompted his proposalit was too late because her parents had a.s.sumed that they were in love.
" Oh, but he"s perfect for you," her mother enthused.
" Just exactly the sort of man your father and I would have chosen. Haveyou set a date yet? When?"
" Give her time to draw breath, Eileen," her father protested mildly.
" Let the la.s.s tell us herself what"s happening."
" We... we haven"t made any firm plans yet," Sara told them weakly.
" It"s... it"s early days, I haven"t even--" " Well, there"s no reasonfor any delay," her mother interrupted, before she could explain thatshe hadn"t even accepted Stuart"s proposal yet, or tell them what hadprompted it.
" After all, you don"t need to look for a house, or... Youcould have aJune wedding. We could have the reception here in the garden. The roseswill be at their best then, and the lawn"s big enough for a marquee."
Sara heard her father making ahalfhearted protest about the potentialhazard to his beloved garden, but she wasn"t really listening. She waspicturing herself wearing a misty creation of heavy old cream satin,floatingethereally toward Stuart while he. She caught herself up with aguilty start. What on earth was she doing? She was far too sensible, andsurely far too mature, to drift into that kind of daydream. Weddings.wedding dresses, the whole paraphernalia of atraditional ceremony hadnever really held any particular appeal to her, although by choice shewould prefer a church ceremony, but as for the dress. She gave a smallswallow of pain, surprised to discover how tight her throat was.
If she had been marrying Ian, he would either have wanted the brevity ofa civil ceremony and no celebration or the exact opposite--an in" Londonchurch, the kind of reception that ran into thousands upon thousands of pounds, and hopefully made the gossip Press. From one extreme to theother, but then that was Ian: a man of extremes, of sudden pa.s.sions andshort-lived enthusiasms. Would he be faithful to Anna? If not, she wouldmake him suffer for any infidelities. She was not the kind to suffer herpain in silence. Their marriage would be modern, bonded together by theirmutual desire to live a fast-lane highprofile life.
As she contemplated the differences between the life she would have hadmarried to Ian and the life she would have with Stuart, she acknowledgedhow painful and alien she would often have found her life with Ian. Ifhe had loved her with the same intensity as she loved him, that wouldhave compensated for the lack of mutual goals for the lack ofcompatibility. Or would it?
She gave a tiny shiver, causing her mother to ask her anxiously if shewas feeling all right.
" I"m fine," she a.s.sured her.
" I must ring Jacqui. She"ll be so thrilled. You"ll want to have theboys as pages, of course. Such a pity Jessica is still only a baby."
" Eileen," Sara heard her father warn gruffly, this is Sara"s wedding.
Give her a chance to say what she wants, eh, love, before you go makingall kinds of plans? Don"t fancy an elopement, do you, Sara?" he askedteasingly, his expression hopeful.
Sara responded with a smile to this paternal chestnut, while her motherprotested," Good heavens, Jack, what can you be suggesting? Of courseshe doesn"t. Of course there"ll be a lot to do... the catering for onething, and the marquee."
" Mum, Ihaven"t..."
I haven"t decided if I"m going to marry Stuart yet, she had been goingto say, but somehow or other she found she had changed it to," I haven"tdecided what kind of wedding to have yet. Stuart"s only just proposed.
He might prefer something very quiet and informal. Men do..."
" Well, maybe," her mother allowed, but he"ll soon come round once herealises " " Eileen," her father warned again, causing her mother tostop and say ruefully," I"m sorry, love. I am running on a bit, aren"tI? Of course it"s up to you. If you"d rather have a small wedding..."
" I"ll have to discuss it with Stuart," Sara told her. She sdll couldn"tbelieve it was all happening Either that Stuart had proposed or that shehad somehow or other allowed her mother to believe that not only had sheaccepted him but also that their relationship and future marriage wasnot the prosaic reality it actually was, but instead some kind ofromantic fantasy.
While she drank the cup of tea her mother had poured her, she tried tocome to terms with what had happened. She would have to tell Stuart thatshe wished to accept his proposal and soon, other wise the whole villagewould know that she was marrying him before he did, she reflected wryly,as she interrupted her mother"s excited plans to warn her that for themoment she wanted her news to be kept between the four of them.
She tried to ring Stuart to suggest seeing him that evening to explainto him what had happened and to warn him that her parents now believedthey were madly in love, but as she had expected he wasn"t in. She wouldhave to ring later when it had gone dark or leave matters as they stooduntil the morning.
The decision was taken out of her hands a little later on over an earlymeal when her mother said," Well, I expect you"ll be wanting to getchanged and get back to Stuart. No doubt we"ll hardly see anything ofyou between now and the wedding. I remember how it was when your fatherand I were engaged... Couldn"t spend enough time together, could we.
Jack?"
It was no use now trying to explain to her parents that theirrelationship was completely different from the one she would be havingwith Stuart and that, far from wanting to spend every possible secondwith her, he would probably appreciate a little distance.
She frowned to herself as she tried to work out why that knowledgeshould cause her a pain like a tiny sliver of ice embedding itself inher heart.
She delayed for as long as she could before giving in to her mother"surging to go upstairs and get ready to drive back to the manor.
When she came downstairs, having changed into a clean shirt, stillwearing the suit she had worn for work, her mother expostulated with herthat she might have chosen to wear something a little more feminine andpretty.
A shadow touched her eyes as she turned away from her, her mildcriticism suddenly far too reminiscent of Anna"s taunts.
Was she unfeminine? She had never thought so; perhaps her clothes were a little on the formal, businesslike side, butshe felt equally at home in her jeans, a thick sweater and a pair ofWellington boots. If she chose not to wear frills and fussy flounces,surely that did not rob her of her femininity.
" Leave the la.s.s alone," she heard her father saying easily.
" She looks fine the way she is."
" Of course you do," her mother rea.s.sured her.
" I just thought..."
Quietly Sara opened the kitchen door. She was committed now; it was toolate for second thoughts and all because she had allowed her mother tojump to the wrong conclusion, thus forcing her into an acceptance ofStuart"s proposal, his proposition", as he had termed it. And yet hadn"tshe known deep inside herself what would happen the moment she tried toexplain the situation to her mother? Had she done so in fact with ahidden secret corner of her mind already knowing what the outcome wouldbe?
After all, wasn"t it far easier to tell herself that she had had nooption but to accept Stuart"s proposal, once her mother had a.s.sumed they were in love, than to coldbloodedly and a.n.a.lytically weigh up the torsand againsts of the situation like two opposing columns of figures?
Despite all her doubts, all her awareness of how very unorthodox whatshe was doing was, she now wanted to marry Stuart and yet until he hadbroached the subject it had never even occurred to her.
Itsurprised her how quickly, how easily she had come to envisage herselfin the role of his wife.
He would not be expecting her to return this evening. He might even beout, she warned herself as she drove up the lane and then parked infront of the house.
Now that she was here, she felt a little uncomfortable, a little foolishand very, very vulnerable. After all, what she had to say to him couldquite easily have waited until the morning. She could surely have easilyfound some way of deflecting her mother"s curiosity at the fact thatthey weren"t spending the evening together; told her that Stuart wasunder pressure to complete his new planting.
There was no sign of the Land Rover in the yard as she stopped, just apile of what looked like huge old pieces of wood. Stuart was obviouslystill working, which meant that she would either have to return home,stay here and hope that he came back soon, or drive over the estatelooking for him.
Rejecting the latter course, she was just mulling over what she shoulddo when she heard the Land Rover approaching the house.
" Sara!" Stuart hailed her as he cut the engine and got out.
" I wasn"t expecting..."
" No, I know, but my mother..." Realising she was beginning herexplanation from the wrong end, Sara stopped, took a deep breath andthen asked him unsteadily," Stuart, was I dreaming this afternoon or didyou really suggest that we should get married?"
" You weren"t dreaming," he a.s.sured her, watching her.