He doesn"t love me. He never will. In fact, he"s just become engaged tosomeone else."
She couldn"t bear to look at him.
" Pathetic, isn"t it? A grown woman running home to her parents?"
" Not at all. At times of emotional trauma, I think turning to those wholove us and whom we know will offer us comfort is a natural instinct we all share and possess.
" This man... Your boss... I take it there"s no chance that he mightchange his mind..."
Sara turned to look at him, searching his face for signs of pity, butinstead all she could find was compa.s.sion and sympathy.
It made her relax enough to shake her head and tell him simply," I fellin love with him when I was nineteen years old. Like a fool I went onhoping, believing that by some miraculous means one day he was going toturn round and look at me and somehow or other realise that he loved me.
I"ve been a complete and utter fool, as I now know."
Shetook a deep breath, suddenly determined to hold nothing back, to lethim know just how much of a fool she had been. The darkness cloakingthem gave her the courage she needed. There was something about him,about the sympathetic quality of his listening silence, that made iteasy for her to talk to him, to confidein him. Because he was astranger?
Perhaps. but what did it matter? Suddenly she needed to talk to someone,to tell someone, to verbalise her pain, her sense of rejection andhumiliation, no matter how much she might regret doing so later.
" When his fiancee told me that they were both aware of my feelings forhim, feelings which I stupidly thought I"d managed to keep secret, Iknew that I couldn"t go on working for him any longer." Her mouthcompressed as she remembered just what Anna had said to her.
" It was bad enough knowing that I loved him and that he would neverlove me.
Carrying the added burden, the added humiliation of knowing that both heand Anna knew how I felt... knew and found it amusing..."
She shrugged in the darkness.
" Perhaps I made the decision to leave for all the wrong reasons, but Iknow the decision itself was right."
She paused and then found she was unable to look at him as she addedshakily, " I don"t know why I"m boring you with all of this. You must think methe world"s worst fool."
" You"re not the fool," Stuart told her mysteriously, his voiceunexpectedly rough.
" And I do sympathise. Loving someone when you know that love can neverbe returned is a heavy burden to bear."
Was he speaking from personal experience? Sara rather suspected so.
Knowing that made her feel more relaxed, less self-conscious andembarra.s.sed about the uncharacteristic way in which she had poured outher feelings to him.
" I don"t know why I"m telling you all this. Normally I never--" "Perhaps that"s why. Those of us who find it difficult to confide inpeople close to us sometimes need the catharsis of unburdening ourselvesto a stranger. You need have no fear that what you"ve told me will goany further."
" Oh, no... I never thought that." Sara bit her lip, horrified that hemight think she would believe him capable of betraying her confidencesto someone else, and at the same time conscious that her feeling ofconcern at having confided in him was caused by her unexpected desirefor him to think well of her.
Why on earth should it matter what he thought of her? They werestrangers.
All right, so he might be a neighbour of her parents, but once thissabbatical of hers was over she doubted if she was likely to see himmore than briefly again, so what did it matter what he thought of her,as a person or as a woman?
A small, uncomfortable fris son burned her skin. How could he think ofher as a woman other than as Ian and Anna thought of her: as someone sos.e.xless, so undesirable, so much a failure in the s.e.xual aspects of herfemininity that she was the b.u.t.t of their jokes. their amus.e.m.e.nt?
She shivered a little, unconsciously moving slightly away from him. Hewas, she saw, frowning slightly as though something had annoyed him.
" So," he commented abruptly, you"ve come home to nurse a bmised heart.
A bruised heart?
" If it helps at all, it sounds to me as though you"ve had a lucky escape.
Any man who could..." He broke off, while Sara stared at him.
A lucky escape. How could he make that judgement on so littleinformation?
He knew nothing of Ian, of the manner of man he was. Was he just beingkind. tactful? She searched his face, but could read nothing in theshadows cloaking his expression. He was, she realised, a man who couldkeep his thoughts completely to himself when he wished to do so. Therewas now a stem- ness about his expression that made her body tense alittle.
" It isn"t lan"s fault," she defended.
" I should have realised years ago that..." She stopped.
" I"m sorry. You can"t possibly want to hear all this. I"dbetter go homebefore I really start wallowing in self-pity..." She turned quickly awayfrom him, suddenly feeling very self-conscious and embarra.s.sed.
Her face was burning with hot colour as she wondered what on earth hadpossessed her to un burden herself to him like that.
What on earth must he be thinking of her, a woman who told him the mostintimate details of her life on so short an acquaintanceship?
As though he knew what she was thinking he said abruptly," I admire youfor telling me. It can"t have been easy. It"s very rare to find a womanwho"s willing to be so honest."
His comment startled her into looking at him. Had she been deceitful,the woman who had hurt him; had she perhaps lied to him, cheated on him,or had she simply deceived him by allowing him to believe she loved himwhen she did not? What had she been like? Where was she now?
Did he still love her. want her? Lie awake at night aching for her?
Her eyes widened as she realised how intrusive her thoughts were. Shelooked away from him, half afraid he might see what she was thinking.
" And, while you"re staying here, if there"s any thing I can do tohelp..."
She tensed, feeling such a deep emotional response to his kindness thatshe couklfeel the tears clogging her throat. Why was he being so kind toher?
They were strangers. Fellow feeling? Because he too had suffered whatshe was suffering. or was he just by nature one of those human beingswith the rare gift of wanting to reach out and help others?
" I--that"s very kind of you. I feel such a fool, telling you all this."
" Please don"t. There"s no need."
His words comforted her, rea.s.sured her, banishing her embarra.s.sment,making her feel more relaxed and at ease.
Ten minutes later, ashe drove her home, sitting silently beside her, shewondered where his thoughts were, and Sara wondered if he was thinkingabout the woman he loved, the one he would have preferred to have seatedbeside him.
She discovered an hour later, when she was finally tucked up in herchildhood bedroom, that she felt envious of that unknown woman. Hadn"tshe realised how fortunate she was to be loved by a man like StuartDelaney? A man who possessed such a quiet, supportive male strength, aman who, while he might not possess the charm of someone like Ian,nevertheless had many qualities which any sane woman would find very,very attractive. He would be a loyal and a loving husband, a goodfather. a true friend and partner. He would also, Sara recognised with asudden and rather shocking pulse of sensation within her body, be a goodlover. a very good lover: tender, considerate, pa.s.sionate, giving.
Strange that she should know that almost wondered what on earth hadpossessed her to un burden herself to him like that.
What on earth must he be thinking of her, a woman who told him the mostintimate details of her life on so short an acquaintanceship?
As though he knew what she was thinking he said abruptly," I admire youfor telling me. It can"t have been easy. It"s very rare to find a womanwho"s willing to be so honest."
His comment startled her into looking at him. Had she been deceitful,the woman who had hurt him; had she perhaps lied to him, cheated on him,or had she simply deceived him by allowing him to believe she loved himwhen she did not? What had she been like? Where was she now?
Did he still love her. want her? Lie awake at night aching for her?
Her eyes widened as she realised how intrusive her thoughts were. Shelooked away from him, half afraid he might see what she was thinking.
" And, while you"re staying here, if there"s any thing I can do tohelp..."
She tensed, feeling such a deep emotional response to his kindness thatshe could, feel the tears clogging her throat. Why was he being so kindto her?
They were strangers. Fellow feeling? Because he too had suffered whatshe was suffering. or was he just by nature one of those human beingswith the rare gift of wanting to reach out and help others?
" I--that"s very kind of you. I feel such a fool, telling you all this."
" Please don"t. There"s no need."
His words comforted her, rea.s.sured her, banishing her embarra.s.sment,making her feel more relaxed and at ease.
Ten minutes later, as he drove her home, sitting silently beside her,she wondered where his thoughts were, and Sara wondered if he wasthinking about the woman he loved, the one he would have preferred tohave seated beside him.
She discovered an hour later, when she was finally tucked up in her childhood bedroom, that she felt envious of that unknown woman. Hadn"tshe realised how fortunate she was to be loved by a man like StuartDelaney? A man who possessed such a quiet, supportive male strength, aman who, while he might not possess the charm of someone like Ian,nevertheless had many qualities which any sane woman would find very,very attractive. He would be a loyal and a loving husband, a goodfather.a true friend and partner. He would also, Sara recognised with asudden and rather shocking pulse of sensation within her body, be a goodlover. a very good lover: tender, considerate, pa.s.sionate, giving.matically about Stuart and yet when it came to Ian, whom she had knownfor so many years, whom she had loved for so many years, when it came totrying to imagine herself describing Ian as a good lover, she discoveredthat her brain would not allow her to formulate the lie.
Ian. She closed her eyes, trying to blot out his image, trying not torelive the cruel things Anna had said to her. trying not to imagine thetwo of them together, laughing about her, about her stupidity, herinadequacy. her utter lack of desirability.
CHAPTER THREE.
amazingly. Sara slept better than she had done in a long time, evenbefore the trauma of the recent events in her life.
When she woke up and discovered that it was gone eight o"clock, shethought at first that the alarm must be wrong, and then put her deep andrefreshing sleep down to the change of air.
It was only when she was downstairs, enjoying the mug of richly fragrantcoffee that she had just made for herself, that she wondered if theevening she had spent with Stuart Delaney might have had some bearing onher deep and dreamless sleep.
Stuart Delaney.
She put down her mug and frowned a little. Last night he had been sokind, so compa.s.sionate, but she knew that if it hadn"t been for heridiocy in fainting she would never have allowed him to get close enoughto her to reveal those characteristics. In fact, when she really thoughtabout it, she was forced to admit that in the years when her love forIan had obsessed and possessed her to the exclusion of anything else shehad quite deliberately set up mental and emotional barriers withinherself which had kept other people at bay.
Other people. Not just other men. Because she had known deep down withinherself that her true friends, those with her interests at heart, thosewho cared for her and were concerned for her, would have tried topersuade her not to focus her whole life on lana man who quite patentlydid not return her feelings--but instead to try to make friendships,relationships with other people.
Had she deliberately taken the line that the fewer people who knew abouther feelings for Ian, the fewer people she admitted to her life, theless chance there was of anyone trying to dissuade her from what she wasdoing. wasting her life?
Wasting her life? She worried at her bottom lip. Was that what she wasdoing? Had all those years of loving Ian, of waiting, wanting, hoping,been nothing more than a waste?
Only if she was not prepared to learn from them, to acknowledge theself-destructiveness of what she had done and to prevent herself fromever repeating the same folly again.
And that meant starting right now. From today, from this moment she wasgoing to focus on the present. on the future. and not on the past.
She had accepted now that Ian would never love her; that there wouldnever have come a day, even without Anna, when he would have looked ather, when that special dazzling smile of his, the one that unfailinglymade her heart turn over and her muscles go weak, would be tinged,deepened, with an extra-special warmth; an extra-special meaning.
She felt her eyes beginning to b.u.m, her heart starting to pound in thefamiliar onset of misery and grief.
Crying wouldn"t help. giving way to her emotions, her pain; in the endthey would do her no good whatsoever. She had come home to escape fromIan, from her memories, not to bring them with her. not to dwell onthem. not to give in to the self-destructive urge of wallowing in selfpity and misery.
Thank goodness she had accepted Stuart Delaney"s offer to visit, tospend some time looking over his new venture, she reflected as shefinished her coffee. She knew next to nothing about growing trees, otherthan the fact that at one time investing in woodlands had been a populartax shelter favoured by enterprising businessmen.
Stuart Delaney"s venture, though, was not of that ilk. Last night,listening to him talking about the need to halt the spread of a form ofre afforestation which he considered alien to a good many parts of GreatBritain, and instead to replant with carefully selected, nativebroad-leaved varieties, she had realised that this venture was for himnot simply a means of earning a living but something that meant a greatdeal to him in emotional terms as well.
Her frown deepened slightly. She was surprised to discover how much shewas looking forward to seeing Stuart Delaney again. He had been so easyto get on with. Time had pa.s.sed so quickly.
Should she simply drive up there, or should she telephone him first?
They hadn"t specified a time for her to meet him last night.
She would, she decided, simply have to drive over there, since she didnot have his telephone number, but first there was something she had todo.
As she picked up the telephone receiver and dialled the number of hersister"s home, she wondered anxiously how her sister, and her new baby,if it had now been born, were doing.
Her mother answered the telephone, saying immediately," Sara... I wasjust beginning to get worried about you. I rang you half a dozen timesor so at home, and then I rang lan"s office. When there was no replyfrom either number... Where are you? What?"
" I"m at home. Mum. I arrived last night. I should have rung you first,but... Anyway, luckily for me, your new neighbour just happened to bedriving past and he explained to me that you"d had a call from David and that you"d had to drop everything and msh over there. How is Jacqui? Thebaby?"
" Jacqui is fine; a bit sh.e.l.l-shocked, I think. After all, she still hadover a month to go. The baby is fine as well. A little girl, so you canimagine how thrilled she and David are after the two boys.
" They"ve decided to call her Jessica. The hospital are keeping themboth in for a few days, just as a precaution, so your father and I willbe staying on down here for at least another week."
Another week. Sara gnawed at her mouth, wincing a little as she realisedhow much she had been maltreating it recently. It felt swollen and sore,the flesh bruised and sensitive.
" Do you mind if I stay on here until you get back?"
" Of course not," her mother a.s.sured her.
" It is still your home, darling, you know that. Have you some holidaysto use up?" She paused and then asked more worriedly, with maternalanxiety, " Sara, you aren"t ill?"
" Everything"s fine," she fibbed firmly. There would be time enough totell her parents about her decision to give up her job with Ian oncethey returned home. Although it was a subject they had never discussed,she suspected that her mother at least might have guessed how she feltabout Ian, and she had an idea that she would be pleased she had madethe decision to break away from him, especially once she had explainedthat he was get ting married.
Anna and her cruel revelations were not subjects she could or wanted todiscuss with her family; that was after all one of the reasons she hadcome here in the first place, to escape from the curious questions ofher friends, from their well-meaning but painful attempts to discoverwhat had happened and why she had handed in her notice.
She had barely replaced the receiver, having spoken to both her excitednephews about the birth of their new sister, and to her brother-in-law,who sounded almost as incoherent and thrilled as his sons, when thetelephone rang.
She answered it automatically, a.s.suming it would be someone wanting herparents, but to her surprise it was Stuart Delaney on the other end ofthe line.