"Answer me, Katy," he prompted when I kept quiet.
"Reliving something," I hiccupped like a small child.
"Katy," he reached out but then dropped his hand. "Tell me. Please, tell me who hurt you."
I drew my legs up, wrapping my arms around them and resting my chin on top. "I don"t know if I can."
"You can, Katy. You know why?" Those big brown eyes of Jared"s met mine and never wavered. "Because you"re strong, Katy, you are stronger than whoever hurt you and I promise," he put his hand to his chest, "that I will be here for you. I"m not going to run away, or think of you differently. I know you think I will, but I won"t."
I closed my eyes and braced myself to share my story with Jared. No one knew the whole story, I"d never been able to tell it after I had been ridiculed by my mother and called a liar, but with Jared, I wanted him to know. I wanted him to see my scars, because they were a part of me and if I was going to fall for him, and he for me, he deserved the truth and nothing less. He deserved my heart and soul, at least the pieces that were left of them.
I crossed my legs, Indian style, and grabbed one of Jared"s pillows, plopping it in my lap.
"It happened two years ago," I swallowed, "when I was dating my boyfriend, Preston."
Jared startled at the name. "So, Preston was your boyfriend?"
"Was, being the key word," I smiled, glumly. "It was our senior year of high school, we had been dating since we were freshman and had known each other our entire lives. I was a cheerleader, and he was the quarterback on the football team. So, cliche, I know," I met Jared"s thoughtful gaze. "But I was happy. I thought we"d get married after high school and I"d follow him to college," I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"But that didn"t happen," Jared supplied.
"No," I shook my head, the tears coming again.
Jared scooted closer. "Katy," he said slowly, like he didn"t want to frighten me. "Can I... Can I hold you?"
At first, the thought of letting him touch me that way, to let him hold me, was frightening. But this was Jared. Somehow, I knew that he would never hurt me the way Preston had or any other physical way, Jared did, however, have the power to break my insides apart and tear me to pieces if he decided I wasn"t what he wanted.
I nodded and was gently enveloped into Jared"s arms. He was careful of my ribs, laying us back, flat on the bed. He cradled me to his chest and wiped my tears away.
Without him prompting me, I continued, "He texted me one day and wanted to come over, which wasn"t unusual. I told him that was fine. I left the door unlocked and he came inside. I thought everything was fine. He wanted to go upstairs and I was cool with that. We always went up to my room to kiss." The tears threatened to choke me, and Jared carefully wiped them from my cheeks. "But today was different, he wanted more. I told him to stop, I begged him, but he wouldn"t listen. I punched him, I scratched him, bit him, kicked him, you name it, I tried it. But he was too big and too strong and he wouldn"t take no for an answer." I dissolved into tears, rubbing my face into Jared"s shirt, like I could burrow inside him, never to return.
"Oh, Katy," he choked. "I- I- I don"t know what to say."
Trembling, I said, "I was a virgin, when he left, and after I had washed myself for an hour straight, I came back to my room. I know girls bleed the first time, some more than others, but there was too much. It wasn"t normal. I stripped my bed of the sheets and threw them away, but there was still a stain on the mattress. I got the bleach and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. But it wasn"t enough. Nothing could erase what happened. I kept seeing it replay in my mind. My phone started ringing and it was him! He just kept calling, so finally I took my phone and threw it against the wall. I watched it smash into all these little pieces, just like Preston smashed me."
"Katy," Jared said, softly, but I plundered on with my story, now that I was finally telling it, I couldn"t shut myself up.
"My mom came home and I was hysterical. I was screaming at everything and nothing. I burned the sheets and took a knife to my mattress. I wanted to destroy everything he"d touched... including myself. I told her what happened and she didn"t believe me. In fact, she laughed. Laughed at me! She told me that my first time probably didn"t go the way I was expecting and now I was making a spectacle of myself. Thank G.o.d, the school year was almost over. Even though it was so late in the year, I got accepted to East Carolina. My bags were already packed and I moved into the condo my mom bought, the day after graduation. I had to leave. I haven"t been back since. It"s been over a year since I"ve been home," I whispered.
"Katy," he whispered, his lips brushing my hair as he pulled me closer. "I"m so, so, sorry that you had to go through that. No one ever should."
"Now, you understand why I am the way I am," I whispered into his chest. "Why I don"t want to be touched, why I won"t let anyone close to my heart, why I"m afraid to love again."
"Why have you let me get close to you, Katy?" he ran his hand down my arm to further drive home his point. "What"s different about me?"
"Everything." The one word filled the room, echoing around the both of us. I could feel Jared taking it in, absorbing it. "Everything is different about you."
21.
WE LAY THERE, IN THE QUIET, neither one of us saying anything, our breathing the only orchestra.
We didn"t need words to understand each other. Somehow, some way, we were connected.
I stayed curled against his side, a smile curving my lips, because I didn"t want to pull away. I wasn"t ready for more with Jared, but feeling him against me... it was nice. It made me feel normal, something I hadn"t felt in two years.
I had believed that I was ruined forever, that I would never want anyone to touch me, ever.
Maybe that would have been the case if Jared hadn"t come along.
Jared had changed everything.
He made me feel again, without a single touch.
His words, his actions, brought a spark back in me.
"Thank you," I said, breaking the quiet.
"For what?" his chest rumbled with his words.
"For being what I always needed, for making me feel again," my cheeks flamed at my words. Here I was, practically confessing that I loved him, moments after telling him that my ex-boyfriend raped me.
"No, Katy," he turned and folded me against him, so that we were face to face. "You are what I"ve always needed. Before you came along," he smoothed my hair back from my forehead, "I didn"t know what I was missing. I didn"t know what I was capable of."
"And what"s that?" I asked.
"Of loving," he whispered.
"Why would you think that?" I looked at him quizzically.
"A deal is a deal, right?" he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, running his fingers forcefully through his hair. "You"ve told me about your past, it"s time for me to tell you about mine. I want us to trust each other," he turned back towards me, cupping my chin. "I want to know you, inside and out, and I want you to know me. I think we both deserve that, the truth. I"m just scared."
"Scared of what?" I asked, as he ran his thumb over my bottom lip, causing me to tremble.
"I"m scared you won"t look at me the same way," his thumb dropped from my lip and I shivered from the loss of heat.
"Jared," I whispered into the dark room. "I just told you I got raped. I think I can handle your past."
"You"re right," he said, softly. "If anyone can, it"s you. You have to understand though, I"ve never told anyone. Not even Karlie knows the whole truth."
"I won"t tell anyone," I said, bracing myself. "And I know you won"t tell anyone what I"ve told you."
Jared got up and closed the door, before lying back down beside me.
He looked up at the ceiling, pulling me against him. I rested my palm over his heart and the steady thumping centered me.
"My dad... wasn"t a good man. He was an angry, violent, drunk. He beat my mom until she was black and blue and did the same to me. So many times, the teachers at school would ask me what had happened and I"d lie. I"d tell them I fell down the steps or that I was just clumsy. I came up with so many excuses for him, because he was my dad and I didn"t want him to go to jail. He... he raped my mom one night. I heard it. She kept begging him to stop and there was nothing I could do. I was only seven and too scared to call the cops because I thought he would kill us. I was terrified. Nine months later, Karlie was born. He lessened the beatings while she was pregnant, but didn"t stop them.
"When Karlie was born, I convinced myself things would get better. Oh boy, was I wrong," Jared covered his face with his hands. "Karlie cried all the time and it made my dad so angry, he"d take that out on my mom and me. The beatings got worse and worse. It went from some bruises and a black eye, to broken bones and a concussion. Then..." he swallowed and took a deep breath. "Then it wasn"t just the beatings, anymore."
Jared shuddered.
"I"ve tried so hard to forget my past, but no matter what I do, I can"t erase it. It"s still there, Katy. It won"t go away. It"s always in the back of my mind," his voice was thick with emotion.
"Tell me," I whispered, grasping his fingers in mine. I didn"t even flinch at the contact this time.
"One night," Jared choked, "he came into my room. He was p.i.s.sed and surprisingly, I don"t think he"d been drinking that night. He yanked me up, out of my bed..." Jared"s jaw clenched and he closed his eyes. "He stripped me of my clothes and he touched me. I couldn"t get away from him. My mom came in and saw. She would never protect herself from him and he always beat her unconscious before he"d start in on me, but tonight was different. She jumped at him, screaming, clawing and kicking. She looked like a wild animal let loose; there was a feral gleam in her eyes. I was crying and I felt so weak. I was a man and a man shouldn"t cry.
"She screamed at me to run. But I didn"t. He wrapped his hand around her throat and squeezed. When she was unconscious he dropped her to the ground like a piece of trash and left the room. I thought he was leaving. I put on clean pajamas and went to my mom"s side. She opened her eyes and told me she loved me and that she tried to take us away from him but she couldn"t. He found out that she was planning to leave and that"s why he came into my room. I guess he wanted to make sure I turned out as f.u.c.ked up as him." Jared chuckled humorlessly. "That"s when I heard the footsteps.
"I turned and I saw a look on my dad"s face I"ve never seen before. He held a gun in his hand and before I knew what was happening, he was shooting. It was so loud and I covered my ears, but I could still hear it. I felt the warmth of my mom"s blood cover my face and I sat there, helpless.
"Everything after that is a blur. I know a neighbor heard the shots and broke through a window. He tackled my father to the ground before he could shoot me or go after Karlie. Someone had already called the cops and the sirens were getting closer. I watched the blood seep from the holes in my mother, creep across the floor, and soak into my dinosaur pajamas. Her lifeless eyes stared back at me and in that moment I truly knew what hate feels like. I thought I hated my father before, but this was beyond anything I"d ever felt. I thought it was going to consume my eight-year-old body. This man had beaten me, he"d violated me, and now, he"d taken my mother from me. She didn"t deserve anything that she was dealt. She was a good person, Katy. But she"s dead, while he rots in prison. Why should he get to live, when she doesn"t?"
I was stunned.
What on earth was I supposed to say to him? Jared had been to h.e.l.l and back; he"d experienced something that would completely shatter most people.
"Jared I- I don"t know what to say," I told him, honestly.
"Are you going to run from me now, kitten? This will be the only time I won"t stop you," his eyes were deadened and I realized he believed that I would leave.
I had news for him; there was no way I could ever walk away from him, because I was in love with him.
I sat up and he sighed, believing that I was leaving.
"Jared," I said, leaning over him so that my hair tickled his shirt-clad chest. "I can"t leave you."
"Why?" he asked, making no move to touch me.
I closed my eyes and decided to take that leap, and hoped Jared"s arms were waiting to catch me.
"Because... I love you."
He sat up and hope filled his eyes.
I blundered on. "Against all odds, I love you. I didn"t think that I would ever fall in love, not again, but for the first time, because I never really loved Preston. He was... convenient and after what happened, I didn"t think I could find someone that would make me feel, because how can you feel without touching? But you proved me wrong. You came crashing into my life like a beacon of light and chased the darkness away. You made me feel again, without touching me, but simply being there for me and knowing exactly what to say to me, that"s how I know you"re special."
He rested his forehead against mine and his hand cupped the back of my neck.
"You"re so wrong, Katy. You"re the special one. You"re the one that chased your own darkness away, not me. I told you before, only you can heal yourself," he brushed my hair back. "And that"s what you"re doing. I see a small change in you, every day. You may not notice it yourself, but I do. You smile and laugh more, you let me touch you," he ran a finger down my cheek to demonstrate. "It might not seem like much, but that is everything."
"You"ve changed me so quickly, Jared. You"ve opened up my heart and my soul. You"ve challenged me and that"s something no one has done since..." I swallowed. "Since Preston raped me. I used to wish that it never happened but I realized that you"re right."
"About what?" he asked.
"Everything does happen for a reason and we shouldn"t question it," I fingered the collar of his shirt. "I"m done questioning why it happened, I"m ready to start moving on, I"m ready," I took a deep breath, "to live again."
A smile curved Jared"s lips. "There"s something I forgot to tell you," he whispered.
"What"s that?" I questioned.
He leaned closer, steadying me with his solid hands on my sides. His lips brushed against my ear and I shivered. "I love you too, Katy."
22.
THIS NIGHT FELT LIKE IT WAS NEVER GOING TO END, AND I DIDN"T WANT IT TO.
I wanted our conversation to go on forever.
It was the most amazing feeling in the world, to be able to talk to Jared and have him know my inner most secret, and I his.
There wasn"t a dark cloud hanging above us anymore.
From this moment on, everything was a blank slate.
Now, we could really begin to know one another without anything holding us back.
We lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, not touching, just asking and answering each other"s questions.
"What"s your favorite color?" I asked quietly.
"Hmm," he mused. "Can I pick the color of your hair?" he reached over and flicked a piece. "It"s so unusual. One minute I think it"s brown, then it"s honey colored, and when the sun hits it just right, it"s red."
"That"s a good answer," I laughed.
"It"s an honest answer," he chuckled. "What about you? What"s your favorite color? Favorite food?"
"Slow down there, bud," I bit my lip. "I really like magenta and purples. Favorite food... probably anything that"s Chinese takeout."
"Magenta? What the h.e.l.l is magenta? I"m a dude, you have to explain these fancy colors to me," he said, with a laugh.
I giggled. "It"s like a really dark pink, kind of wine colored."
"I see," he said.
"What"s your favorite band?" I asked.