"I don"t know," he chuckled. "I just like music that gets me pumped up. I usually only listen to it before I fight or while I"m training."
"That"s a sucky answer," I told him.
"Sorry, it"s the only one I"ve got," he laughed. "So," he rubbed his hands together, "you said you were a cheerleader, still got that uniform?"
I snorted. "No way. I left it behind with everything else. Honestly, when I look at myself now, and then think back to who I used to be... it"s like, looking at two completely different people. I know I have my hang-ups, but I like who I am now, better than who I used to be. I was selfish and shallow. I don"t want to go back to that."
"You won"t," Jared said.
"I"m sorry you had to go through what you did, Jared. I really am."
He shrugged. "It"s like you say, it was another me, another life. Most days, it"s like it never even happened." He put his hands behind his head. "I"ve had to let it go, in order to move on, and stay sane. If I kept dwelling on it, I"d be an angry, bitter, person. I can"t, I won"t, be like that. Not just because I have my sister to worry about, but because I want to be nothing like that man. If I was angry about it all the time, the pain would consume me, and I"d turn to the bottle just like him. I won"t turn into that. I might have... if Dan and Patsy hadn"t taken us in. Dan taught me that there are other ways to deal with anger."
"By fighting," I whispered.
"No," he said, "he taught me more ways than that. It"s about centering yourself and saying you"re going to be better than those that hurt you. I won"t give my father power by letting what he did control me. I won"t let him win, because I am better than him."
"I"m done letting Preston win," I said, softly, half terrified to say it out loud.
"Katy," Jared said, rolling on his side. The shadows of the room cast darkness across half his face, but the other half glowed from the inner light he possessed. He propped his head up on his hand and said, "You stopped letting him win, the minute you told me the truth."
My lip trembled and I dammed the tears back.
"It"s okay to cry about it, Katy," he said, "because I will always be here to wipe your eyes."
"But I don"t want to cry about it," I sniffled.
"Katy," he said, quietly, "everybody needs to cry, sometimes. It"s okay."
I shook my head. "I don"t want to be weak."
"Tears are not a sign of weakness," Jared said, vehemently. "Tears show compa.s.sion, they show," he pointed to my chest, "that you have a heart. Tears are powerful," he caught one off of the edge of my cheek.
"Are you sure you"re an MMA fighter and not a literature student?" I asked with a chuckle, wiping my face with the back of my hands.
"I"m sure," he said, catching a tear I had missed.
I flinched. "Sorry," I mumbled, "I think I"ve reached my touching quota for the day."
Jared pulled his hand away with a sad smile. "That"s okay, we"ll take this a day at a time because that"s what you do when you love someone."
He stood up and stretched, starting towards the door.
"Where are you going?" I sat up a little straighter.
"To sleep on the couch," he said, his hand on the k.n.o.b.
"I don"t want you to go." I hated the pleading tone in my voice, so I took a breath to explain. "Maybe... if you"re here," I swirled my finger over his comforter in random circles, "I won"t have the nightmares. Maybe, you"ll keep them away."
"Kitten, there isn"t anything I"d rather do, than keep you from having that nightmare," his look was sweet. "Do you want to change?" He looked me up and down.
"Huh?" I looked down at myself. "Oh uh- yeah. Pajamas might be more comfortable than this," I pulled at my jeans.
He chuckled. "I"m going to go get a bottle of water while you change. I"ll bring you one, too," he said, disappearing out the door. It closed softly behind him and I scurried off the bed.
I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a cami, so that I wouldn"t have to pull anything over my cast. I glared down at the clunky blue thing, willing it away. It really was quite a nuisance.
A light knock on the door sounded and I shook a little.
I had never slept with a guy before and after what happened with Preston, I hadn"t wanted to. It was difficult to try and get over that.
"I"m decent," I squeaked.
I heard Jared chuckle and then the door opened.
His eyes zeroed in on my barely covered chest and Gooseb.u.mps broke out across my skin. I rubbed my arms and tried to hide my cleavage.
Jared shook his head, pink staining his cheeks and turned his back to me.
He pulled his shirt off, but kept his mesh shorts on. I wondered when he"d changed into them.
He pulled the covers of the bed back and climbed in.
I stood there, staring, like an idiot.
Jared chuckled again. "Katy, if you"re going to sleep, you kind of have to get in the bed."
"I think this was a bad idea," I whispered.
He sat up. "I can leave. You say the word and I"m gone. I will never push myself on you, Katy. You can set the pace. Do you understand? You"re in control of us. I"ll never do something that you"re uncomfortable with. All we"ll do is sleep, but if you"re uncomfortable with that, I"ll leave."
"No, no," I shook my head. "I know you won"t hurt me. This is okay." I moved to the other side of the bed.
I lay down and Jared pulled the covers up to my chin. They were cool against my skin and I shivered.
"Katy?" Jared questioned. "Are you okay?"
"I think so," my voice quivered.
"I don"t want to do anything that will send you running," he whispered.
"I"m done running," I said, seriously. "Besides, my legs are tired," I joked.
Jared chuckled and the bed shook with the motion, which sent me giggling.
"Stop laughing, we"re never going to go to sleep," his voice rumbled.
"I"m trying," another giggle escaped.
After a few minutes, all was quiet, so I a.s.sumed Jared had fallen asleep. When he spoke, it nearly sent me flying through the roof in fright.
"Katy, I"ve noticed something," he said.
I put a hand to my chest to still my beating heart. "What?" I asked, breathlessly. Darn him for scaring me like that.
"You... you let me touch you... a little, but you haven"t touched me."
"Huh?" I rolled over onto my side to face him and he did the same.
"In the hospital, you let me touch you but you never touched me back, even in the club, I was the one that reached for you, and earlier, I was doing all the touching."
I swallowed. "You"re way too observant to be a man."
He chuckled. "Trust me, I"m a man."
"I"ll trust you, "cause I"m not about to go exploring," I said with a smile.
He laughed, but then got serious again. "Seriously, Katy, why won"t you touch me?"
I shrugged. "I honestly don"t know."
"Would you like to touch me?" those soulful brown eyes threatened to engulf me.
"I- I- don"t know," I stuttered.
He pushed the blankets back, exposing his smooth, naked chest.
Oh sweet baby Jesus, no man should ever be that ripped. His body was a complete work of art and even I couldn"t help drooling over it.
"It"s okay, Katy," he said, soothingly. "Remember you"re in control of this. I won"t move and I won"t touch you. This is just you touching me. Okay?"
I nodded and sat up, pushing my hair back, over my shoulders so that it would hopefully stay out of the way.
"You"re in control," he reminded me.
I nodded.
Slowly, I reached out, touching his arm.
He shivered when I touched him and a smile curved my lips.
His skin was hot, making my hands seem cold, and looked dark next to my lighter tone.
I traced the freckles on his arm, the veins, and then went down to his hands. They were large; the nails round and even, his skin was smooth. Gosh, even his hands were perfect.
My fingers glided back up, to his shoulders, his collarbone, up his neck, and settled on his stubbled chin.
His eyes closed and low moan escaped his throat. I s.n.a.t.c.hed my hand away.
"Don"t stop," his eyes opened, they were a light brown, almost caramel. "It feels good."
I reached out again, even more hesitant than the first time.
My index finger connected with his full, bottom lip. He was very still, his breathing the only movement.
I traced the downward curve of his bottom lip, before moving to the top and giving it the same treatment.
My finger glided down his lips and settled on the indent in his chin. I longed to kiss that dimple, but I knew it was too soon, I wasn"t ready. I let my finger drop from his angular chin, down to his chest, where it glided over the dips and ridges of his stomach. I refused to go any lower than his belly b.u.t.ton. That was uncharted territory I wasn"t about to go exploring in.
I let my fingers fall from his stomach and found that I was breathing like someone that had just run a marathon. Not attractive at all, but that was the affect Jared had on me.
Jared shivered at the absence of my touch and turned to look at me.
"I never knew that just letting someone touch me, or touching them, could feel so d.a.m.n good, without doing anything else," his voice was husky.
"There was a lot I didn"t know before I met you," I reached over, unable to resist rubbing the dark stubble on his chin, one last time.
"I"m more than happy to teach you," he placed a light, barely-there, kiss on the palm of my hand. At my shocked expression, he grinned. "Slowly, Katy. We"ll take things slowly."
An incessant ringing woke me up.
I cracked my eyes open and saw Jared doing the same. "Is that your phone?" he asked, his voice groggy.
"Oh, c.r.a.p," I said, practically falling out of the bed in my haste. My ribs groaned in protest and I winced.
"Where is it?" Jared asked, yawning. "I can get it for you."
"No, no, I"ve already got it," I pulled it out of my purse. It had stopped ringing now and I saw that I had about fifty text messages from Rollo and the one missed call. Before I could hit the call back b.u.t.ton, it was ringing again.
"Hey?" I answered.
"Katyrina Grace Spencer, I"ve been worried sick. Piper told me you were in the hospital! A car accident! Katy! Why didn"t you tell me? I"m on my way to your house now, screw cla.s.ses, you have some explaining to do," I could hear him huffing over the phone, probably trying to hoof it to the bus station.
"Rollo, I"m sorry," I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling like the worst best friend ever. "I don"t know what I was thinking."
"You weren"t thinking, Katyrina," he snapped.
"Please, stop calling me that, you know I hate it," I said softly. The only people that called me Katyrina were my mom and Preston. I"d be happy if no one ever called me that again. After "the event" with Preston, my full name grated on my nerves, like nails on a chalkboard.
"I"m sorry, baby cakes," he said, and I could tell he was calming down. "I"m just worried sick about you. Piper just called and told me and obviously she already knew. She was checking in on you, a.s.suming that I would be with you. Instead, I was completely clueless and sounded like an idiot. What happened?"
"I hit a deer and ended up in the other lane where another car crashed into me," I explained, running my fingers through my bed-rumpled hair.
He gasped dramatically. "You killed Bambi"s mom! How dare you, Katy!"
Instead of being sympathetic, in typical Rollo fashion, he had to make a joke, but at least I knew he wasn"t mad anymore.