BLUEBEARD. Perhaps I ought to tell you at once, Miss Riding Hood, that I have been married before.
RIDING HOOD. Yes?
BLUEBEARD. My last wife unfortunately died just before I started out here this evening.
RIDING HOOD (calmly). Did you kill her?
BLUEBEARD (taken aback). I--I--I--
RIDING HOOD. Are you quite a nice man, Bluebeard?
BLUEBEARD. W-what do you mean? I am a very _rich_ man. If you will marry me, you will live in a wonderful castle, full of everything that you want.
RIDING HOOD. That will be rather jolly.
BLUEBEARD (dramatically) But there is one room into which you must never go. (Holding up a key) Here is the key of it. (He offers it to her.)
RIDING HOOD (indifferently) But if I"m never to go into it, I shan"t want the key.
BLUEBEARD (upset). You--you _must_ have the key.
RIDING HOOD. Why?
BLUEBEARD. The--the others all had it.
RIDING HOOD (coldly). Bluebeard, you aren"t going to talk about your _other_ wives all the time, are you?
BLUEBEARD. N--no.
RIDING HOOD. Then don"t be silly. And take this key, and go and tidy up that ridiculous room of yours, and when it"s nice and clean, and when you"ve shaved off that absurd beard, perhaps I"ll marry you.
BLUEBEARD (furiously drawing his sword). Madam!
RIDING HOOD. Don"t do it here. You"ll want some hot water.
BLUEBEARD (trying to put his sword back). This is too much, this is--
RIDING HOOD. You"re putting it in the wrong way round.
BLUEBEARD (stiffly). Thank you. (He manages to get it in.)
RIDING HOOD. Well, do you want to marry me?
BLUEBEARD. Yes!
RIDING HOOD. Sure?
BLUEBEARD (admiringly). More than ever. You"re the first woman I"ve met who hasn"t been afraid of me.
RIDING HOOD (surprised). Are you very alarming? Wolves frighten me sometimes, but not just silly men. . . . (Giving him her hand) All right then. But you"ll do what I said?
BLUEBEARD. Beloved one, I will do anything for you.
(CRUSOE and GOLDILOCKS come back. Probably it will occur to the four of them to sing a song indicative of the happy family life awaiting them. On the other hand they may prefer to dance. . . .)
But enough of this. Let us get on to the great event of the evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you all a.s.sembled? Then silence, please, for FATHER CHRISTMAS.
FATHER CHRISTMAS. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to see you here at my Court this evening; and in particular my friends Mr. and Mrs. Hubbard, of whom I have been too long neglectful.
However, I hope to make up for it to-night. (To an USHER) Disclose the Christmas Tree!
(The Christmas Tree is disclosed, and--what do you think? Children disguised as crackers are hanging from every branch! Well, I never!)
FATHER CHRISTMAS (quite calmly). Distribute the presents!
(An USHER takes down the children one by one and places them in a row, reading from the labels on them. "MRS. HUBBARD, MR. HUBBARD"
alternately.)
USHER (handing list to MR. HUBBARD). Here is the nominal roll, sir.
MR. HUBBARD (looking at it in amazement). What"s this? (MRS. HUBBARD looks over his shoulder) Ada, Bertram, Caroline--My darling one!
MRS. HUBBARD. Henry! Our children at last! Oh, are they all--_all_ there?
MR. HUBBARD. We"ll soon see, dear. Ada!
ADA (springing to attention). Father! (She stands at ease.)
MR. HUBBARD. Bertram! . . . (And so on up to ELSIE) . . . Frank!
FRANK. Father!
MR. HUBBARD. There you are, darling, I told you he had curly brown hair. . . . Gwendoline! (And so on.)
MRS. HUBBARD (to FATHER CHRISTMAS). Oh thank you so much. It is sweet of you.
MR. HUBBARD (to FATHER CHRISTMAS). We are slightly overcome. Do you mind if we just dance it off. (FATHER CHRISTMAS nods genially.) Come on, children!
(He holds out his hands, and he and his wife and the children dance round in a ring singing, "Here we go round the Christmas Tree, all on a Christmas evening. . . .")
(And then--But at this moment JAMES and ROSEMARY and the HUBBARD children stopped thinking, so of course the play came to an end. And if there were one or two bits in it which the children didn"t quite understand, that was JAMES"S fault. He never ought to have been thinking at all, really.)
MR. PIM Pa.s.sES BY
A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS