"Poor thing," Dan said.
"Are either of you going to set traps, or do I have to do it?"
"You have to do it," Dan said. "I can"t stand it. I don"t want to kill a mouse."
"I think there"s only one mouse," Henry said.
Glaring at them, I went into the kitchen and took the mousetraps out of their cellophane packages. I stared at them with tears in my eyes. I did not know how to set them. Dan and Henry had made me seem like a cold-blooded killer.
"Maybe it will just leave," Dan said.
"Don"t be ridiculous, Dan," I said. "If you aren"t going to help, at least don"t sit around snickering with Henry."
"We"re not snickering," Henry said.
"You two certainly are buddy-buddy."
"What"s the matter now? You want us to hate each other?" Henry said.
"I don"t know how to set a mousetrap," I said. "I can"t do it myself."
"Poor Mommy," Joanna said. She was in the hallway outside the living room, listening. I almost turned on her to tell her not to be sarcastic, when I realized that she was serious. She felt sorry for me. With someone on my side, I felt new courage about going back into the kitchen and tackling the problem of the traps.
Dianne called and said she had asked her husband if he would go out one night a week so she could go out with friends or stay home by herself. He said no, but agreed to take stained-gla.s.s lessons with her.
One Tuesday it rained. I stayed home and daydreamed, and remembered the past. I thought about the boy I dated my last year in high school who used to take me out to the country on weekends, to where some cousins of his lived. I wondered why he always went there, because we never got near the house. He would drive partway up their long driveway in the woods and then pull off onto a narrow little road that trucks sometimes used when they were logging the property. We parked on the little road and necked. Sometimes the boy would drive slowly along on the country roads looking for rabbits, and whenever he saw one, which was pretty often-sometimes even two or three rabbits at once-he floored it, trying to run the rabbit down. There was no radio in the car. He had a portable radio that got only two stations (soul music and cla.s.sical) and I held it on my lap. He liked the volume turned up very loud.
Joanna comes to my bedroom and announces that Uncle Bobby is on the phone.
"I got a dog," he says.
"What kind?"
"Aren"t you even surprised?"
"Yes. Where did you get the dog?"
"A guy I knew a little bit in college is going to jail, and he persuaded me to take the dog."
"What is he going to jail for?"
"Burglary."
"Joanna," I say, "don"t stand there staring at me when I"m talking on the phone."
"He robbed a house," Bobby says.
"What kind of a dog is it?" I ask.
"Malamute and German shepherd. It"s in heat."
"Well," I say, "you always wanted a dog."
"I call you all the time, and you never call me," Bobby says.
"I never have interesting news."
"You could call and tell me what you do on Tuesday nights."
"Nothing very interesting," I say.
"You could go to a bar and have rum drinks and weep," Bobby says. He chuckles.
"Are you stoned?" I ask.
"Sure I am. Been home from work for an hour and a half. Ate a Celeste pizza, had a little smoke."
"Do you really have a dog?" I ask.
"If you were a male dog, you wouldn"t have any doubt of it."
"You"re always much more clever than I am. It"s hard to talk to you on the phone, Bobby."
"It"s hard to be me," Bobby says. A silence. "I"m not sure the dog likes me."
"Bring it over. Joanna will love it."
"I"ll be around with it Tuesday night," he says.
"Why is it so interesting to you that I have one night a week to myself?"
"Whatever you do," Bobby says, "don"t rob a house."
We hang up, and I go tell Joanna the news.
"You yelled at me," she says.
"I did not. I asked you not to stand there staring at me while I was on the phone."
"You raised your voice," she says. Soon it will be Tuesday night.
Joanna asks me suspiciously what I do on Tuesday nights.
"What does your father say I do?" I ask.
"He says he doesn"t know."
"Does he seem curious?"
"It"s hard to tell with him," she says.
Having got my answer, I"ve forgotten about her question.
"So what things do you do?" she says.
"Sometimes you like to play in your tent," I say defensively. "Well, I like some time to just do what I want to do, too, Joanna."
"That"s okay," she says. She sounds like an adult placating a child.
I have to face the fact that I don"t do much of anything on Tuesdays, and that one night alone each week isn"t making me any less edgy or more agreeable to live with. I tell Dan this, as if it"s his fault.
"I don"t think you ever wanted to divorce Henry," Dan says.
"Oh, Dan, I did."
"You two seem to get along fine."
"But we fought. We didn"t get along."
He looks at me. "Oh," he says. He is being inordinately nice to me because of the scene I threw when a mouse got caught in one of the traps. The trap didn"t kill it. It just got it by the paw, and Dan had to beat it to death with a screwdriver.
"Maybe you"d rather the two of us did something regularly on Tuesday nights," he says now. "Maybe I could get the night of my meetings changed."
"Thank you," I say. "Maybe I should give it a little longer."
"That"s up to you," he says. "There hasn"t been enough time to judge by, I guess."
Inordinately kind. Deferential. He has been saying for a long time that our relationship is turning sour, and now it must have turned so sour for him that he doesn"t even want to fight. What does he want?
"Maybe you"d like a night-" I begin.
"The h.e.l.l with that," he says. "If there has to be so much time alone, I can"t see the point of living together."
I hate fights. The day after this one, I get weepy and go over to Dianne"s. She ends up subtly suggesting that I take stained-gla.s.s lessons. We drink some sherry and I drive home. The last thing I want is to run into her husband, who calls me "the squirrel" behind my back. Dianne says that when I call and he answers, he lets her know it"s me on the phone by puffing up his cheeks to make himself look like a squirrel.
Tonight Dan and I each sit on a side of Joanna"s tester bed to say good night to her. The canopy above the bed is white nylon, with small puckered stars. She is ready for sleep. As soon as she goes to sleep, Dan will be ready to talk to me. Dan has clicked off the light next to Joanna"s bed. Going out of the bedroom before him, I grope for the hall light. I remember Henry saying to me, as a way of leading up to talking about divorce, that going to work one morning he had driven over a hill and had been astonished when at the top he saw a huge yellow tree, and realized for the first time that it was autumn.
Secrets and Surprises.
C.
orinne and Lenny are sitting at the side of the driveway with their shoes off. Corinne is upset because Lenny sat in a patch of strawberries. "Get up, Lenny! Look what you"ve done!"
Lenny is one of my oldest friends. I went to high school with Lenny and Corinne and his first wife, Lucy, who was my best friend there. Lenny did not know Corinne then. He met her at a party many years later. Corinne remembered Lenny from high school; he did not remember her. The next year, after his divorce from Lucy became final, they married. Two years later their daughter was born, and I was a G.o.dmother. Lenny teases me by saying that his life would have been entirely different if only I had introduced him to Corinne years ago. I knew her because she was my boyfriend"s sister. She was a couple of years ahead of us, and she would do things like picking us up if we got drunk at a party and buying us coffee before taking us home. Corinne once lied to my mother when she took me home that way, telling her that there was flu going around and that I had sneezed in her car all the way home.
I was ugly in high school. I wore braces, and everything seemed to me funny and inappropriate: the seasons, television personalities, the latest fashions-even music seemed silly. I played the piano, but for some reason I stopped playing Brahms or even listening to Brahms. I played only a few pieces of music myself, the same ones, over and over: a couple of Bach two-part inventions, a Chopin nocturne. I earnestly smoked cigarettes, and all one spring I harbored a secret love for Lenny. I once confessed my love for him in a note I pushed through the slats in his locker in school. Then I got scared and waited by his locker when school was over, talked to him for a while, and when he opened the locker door, grabbed the note back and ran. This was fifteen years ago.
I used to live in the city, but five years ago my husband and I moved up here to Woodbridge. My husband has gone, and now it is only my house. It is my driveway that Lenny and Corinne sit beside. The driveway badly needs to be graveled. There are holes in it that should be filled, and the drainpipe is cracked. A lot of things here need fixing. I don"t like to talk to the landlord, Colonel Albright. Every month he loses the rent check I send him and then calls me from the nursing home where he lives, asking for another. The man is eighty-eight. I should consider him an amusing old character, a forgetful old man. I suspect he is persecuting me. He doesn"t want a young person renting his house. Or anyone at all. When we moved in, I found some empty clothing bags hanging in the closets, with old dry-cleaning stubs stapled to the plastic: "Col. Albright, 9a8a54." I stared at the stub. I was eleven years old the day Colonel Albright picked up his clothes at the dry cleaners. I found one of his neckties wound around the base of a lamp in an upstairs closet. "Do you want these things?" I asked him on the phone. "Throw them out, I don"t care," he said, "but don"t ask me about them." I also do not tell him about things that need to be fixed. I close off one bathroom in the winter because the tiles are cracked and cold air comes through the floor; the heat register in my bedroom can"t be set above sixty, so I set the living-room register at seventy-five to compensate. Corinne and Lenny think this is funny. Corinne says that I will not fight with the landlord because I did enough fighting with my husband about his girl friend and now I enjoy peace; Lenny says that I am just too kind. The truth is that Colonel Albright shouts at me on the phone and I am afraid of him. He is also old and sad, and I have displaced him in his own house. Twice this summer, a friend has driven him from the nursing home back to the house, and he walked around the gardens in the front, tapping his cane through the cl.u.s.ters of sweet peas that are strangling out the asters and azaleas in the flower beds, and he dusted the pollen off the sundial in the back with a white handkerchief.
Almost every weekend Corinne tries to get me to leave Woodbridge and move back to New York. I am afraid of the city. In the apartment on West End Avenue I lived in with my husband when we were first married, I was always frightened. There was a bird in the apartment next to ours which shrieked, "No, no, go away!" I always mistook it for a human voice in the night, and in my sleepy confusion I thought that I was protesting an intruder in our apartment. Once a woman at the laundromat who was about to pa.s.s out from the heat took hold of my arm and pulled me to the floor with her. This could have happened anywhere. It happened in New York. I won"t go back.
"Balducci"s!" Corinne sometimes murmurs to me, and moves her arm through the air to suggest counters spread with delicacies. I imagine tins of anchovies, wheels of Brie, huge cashews, strange greens. But then I hear voices whispering outside my door plotting to break it down, and angry, wild music late at night that is the kind that disturbed, unhappy people listen to.
Now Corinne is holding Lenny"s hand. I am lying on my side and peeking through the netting of the hammock, and they don"t see me. She stoops to pick a strawberry. He scratches his crotch. They are bored here, I think. They pretend that they make the two-hour drive up here nearly every weekend because they are concerned for my well-being. Perhaps they actually think that living in the country is spookier than living in the city. "You sent your beagle to live in the country, Corinne," I said to her once. "How can you be upset that a human being wants to live where there"s room to stretch?" "But what do you do here all alone?" she said.
I do plenty of things. I play Bach and Chopin on a grand piano my husband saved for a year to buy me. I grow vegetables, and I mow the lawn. When Lenny and Corinne come for the weekend, I spy on them. He"s scratching his shoulder now. He calls Corinne to him. I think he is asking her to see if he just got a mosquito bite.
Last year when my husband went on vacation without me, I drove from Connecticut to D.C. to visit my parents. They live in the house where I grew up. The crocheted bedspreads have turned yellow now and the bedroom curtains are the same as ever. But in the living room there is a large black plastic chair for my father and a large brown plastic chair for my mother. My brother, Raleigh, who is r.e.t.a.r.ded, lives with them. He has a friend, Ed, who is r.e.t.a.r.ded, and who visits him once a week. And Raleigh visits Ed once a week. Sometimes my mother or Ed"s mother takes them to the zoo. Raleigh"s chatter often makes more sense than we at first suspected. For instance, he is very fond of Ling-Ling, the panda. He was not imitating the bell the Good Humor man rings when he drives around the neighborhood, as my father once insisted. My father has never been able to understand Raleigh very well. My mother laughs at him for his lack of understanding. She is a bitter woman. For the last ten years, she has made my father adhere to a diet when he is home, and he is not overweight.
When I visited, I drove Raleigh down to Hains Point, and we looked across the water at the lights. In spite of being r.e.t.a.r.ded, he seems very moved by things. He rolled down the window and let the wind blow across his face. I slowed the car almost to a stop, and he put his hand on my hand, like a lover. He wanted me to stop the car entirely so he could look at the lights. I let him look for a long time. On the way home I drove across the bridge into Arlington and took him to Gilford"s for ice cream. He had a banana split, and I pretended not to notice when he ate the toppings with his fingers. Then I washed his fingers with a napkin dipped in a gla.s.s of water.
One day I found him in the bathroom with Daisy, the dog, combing over her body for ticks. There were six or seven ticks in the toilet. He was concentrating so hard that he never looked up. Standing there, I realized that there was now a small bald spot at the top of his head, and that Daisy"s fur was flecked with gray. I reached over him and got aspirin out of the medicine cabinet. Later, when I went back to the bathroom and found Raleigh and Daisy gone, I flushed the toilet so my parents would not be upset. Raleigh sometimes drops pieces of paper into the toilet instead of into the wastebaskets, and my mother goes wild. Sometimes socks are in the toilet. Coins. Pieces of candy.
I stayed for two weeks. On Mondays, before his friend Ed came, Raleigh left the living room until the door had been answered, and then acted surprised to see Ed and his mother. When I took him to Ed"s house, Ed did the same thing. Ed held a newspaper in front of his face at first. "Oh-h.e.l.lo," Ed finally said. They have been friends for almost thirty years, and the visiting routine has remained the same all that time. I think that by pretending to be surprised, they are trying to enhance the quality of the experience. I play games like this with Corinne when I meet her in the city for lunch. If I get to our table first, I study the menu until she"s right on me; sometimes, if I wait outside the restaurant, I deliberately look at the sidewalk, as if lost in thought, until she speaks.
I had Raleigh come live with my husband and me during the second year of our marriage. It didn"t work out. My husband found his socks in the toilet; Raleigh missed my mother"s constant nagging. When I took him home, he didn"t seem sorry. There is something comforting about that house: the smell of camphor in the silver cabinet, my grandmother"s woven rugs, Daisy"s smell everywhere.
My husband wrote last week: "Do you miss wonderful me?" I wrote back saying yes. Nothing came of it.
Corinne and Lenny have always come to Woodbridge for visits. When my husband was here, they came once a month. Now they come almost every week. Sometimes we don"t have much to say to each other, so we talk about the old days. Corinne teases Lenny for not noticing her back in high school. Our visits are often dull, but I still look forward to their coming because they are my surrogate family. As in all families, there are secrets. There is intrigue. Suspicion. Lenny often calls me, telling me to keep his call a secret, saying that I must call Corinne at once and arrange to have lunch because she is depressed. So I call, and then I go and sit at a table and pretend not to see her until she sits down. She has aged a lot since their daughter"s death. Her name was Karen, and she died three years ago, of leukemia. After Karen died I began having lunch with Corinne, to let her talk about it away from Lenny. By the time she no longer needed to talk about it, my husband had left, and Corinne began having lunch with me to cheer me up. We have faced each other across a table for years. (Corinne, I know, tells Lenny to visit me even when she has to work on the weekend. He has come alone a few times. He gives me a few G.o.diva chocolates. I give him a bag of fresh peas. Sometimes he kisses me, but it goes no further than that. Corinne thinks that it does, and endures it.) Once Corinne said that if we all lived to be fifty (she works for a state environmental-protection agency, and her expectations are modest), we should have an honesty session the way the girls did in college. Lenny asked why we had to wait until we were fifty. "Okay-what do you really think of me?" Corinne asked him. "Why, I love you. You"re my wife," he said. She backed down; the game wasn"t going to be much fun.
Lenny"s first wife, Lucy, has twice taken the train to visit me. We sat on the gra.s.s and talked about the old days: teasing each other"s hair to new heights; photo-alb.u.m pictures of the two of us, each trying to look more grotesque than the other; the first time we puffed a cigarette on a double date. I like her less as time goes by, because things she remembers about that time are true but the tone of wonder in her voice makes the past seem like a lie. And then she works the conversation around to Corinne and Lenny"s marriage. Is it unhappy? Both times she visited, she said she was going back to New York on the last train, and both times she got too drunk to go until the next day. She borrowed my nightgowns and drank my gin and played sad music on my piano. In our high school yearbook, Lucy was named best dancer.
a a a I have a lover. He comes on Thursdays. He would come more frequently, but I won"t allow it. Jonathan is twenty-one and I am thirty-three, and I know that eventually he will go away. He is a musician too. He comes in the morning and we sit side by side at the piano, humming and playing Bach"s B-Flat-Minor Prelude, prolonging the time before we go to bed as long as possible. He drinks diet cola while I drink gin-and-tonic. He tells me about the young girls who are chasing him. He says he only wants me. He asks me each Thursday to marry him, and calls me on Friday to beg me to let him come again before the week is up. He sends me pears out of season and other things that he can"t afford. He shows me letters from his parents that bother him; I am usually in sympathy with his parents. I urge him to spend more time sight-reading and playing scales and arpeggios. He allowed a rich woman who had been chasing him since Christmas to buy him a tape deck for his car, and he plays nothing but rock-"n"-roll. Sometimes I cry, but not in his presence. He is disturbed enough. He isn"t sure what to do with his life, he can"t communicate with his parents, too many people want things from him. One night he called and asked if he could come over to my house if he disguised himself. "No," I said. "How would you disguise yourself?" "Cut off my hair. Buy a suit. Put on an animal mask." I make few demands on him, but obviously the relationship is a strain.
After Corinne and Lenny leave, I write a second letter to my husband, pretending that there is a chance that he did not get the other one. In this letter I give him a detailed account of the weekend, and agree with what he said long ago about Corinne"s talking too much and Lenny"s being too humble. I tell my husband that the handle on the barbecue no longer makes the grill go up and down. I tell him that the neighbors" dog is in heat and that dogs howl all night, so I can"t sleep. I reread the letter and tear it up because these things are all jumbled together in one paragraph. It looks as if a crazy person had written the letter. I try again. In one paragraph I describe Corinne and Lenny"s visit. In another I tell him that his mother called to tell me that his sister has decided to major in anthropology. In the last paragraph I ask for advice about the car-whether it may not need a new carburetor. I read the letter and it still seems crazy. A letter like this will never make him come back. I throw it away and write him a short, funny postcard. I go outside to put the postcard in the mailbox. A large white dog whines and runs in front of me. I recognize the dog. It is the same one I saw last night, from my bedroom window; the dog was staring at my neighbors" house. The dog runs past me again, but won"t come when I call it. I believe the neighbors once told me that the dog"s name is Pierre, and that the dog does not live in Woodbridge.
When I was a child I was punished for brushing Raleigh with the dog"s brush. He had asked me to do it. It was Easter, and he had on a blue suit, and he came into my bedroom with the dog"s brush and got down on all fours and asked for a brushing. I brushed his back. My father saw us and banged his fist against the door. "Jesus Christ, are you both crazy?" he said. Now that my husband is gone, I should bring Raleigh here to live-but what if my husband came back? I remember Raleigh"s trotting through the living room, punching his fist through the air, chanting, "Ling-Ling, Ling-Ling, Ling-Ling."
I play Scriabin"s etude in C Sharp Minor. I play it badly and stop to stare at the keys. As though on cue, a car comes into the driveway. The sound of a bad m.u.f.fler-my lover"s car, unmistakably. He has come a day early. I wince, and wish I had washed my hair. My husband used to wince also when that car pulled into the driveway. My lover (he was not at that time my lover) was nineteen when he first started coming, to take piano lessons. He was obviously more talented than I. For a long while I resented him. Now I resent him for his impetuousness, for showing up unexpectedly, breaking my routine, catching me when I look ugly.
"This is foolish," I say to him. "I"m going into the city to have lunch."
"My car is leaking oil," he says, looking over his shoulder.
"Why have you come?" I say.
"This once-a-week stuff is ridiculous. Once you have me around a little more often you"ll get used to it."
"I won"t have you around more often."
"I"ve got a surprise for you," he says. "Two, actually."