Orlo snorted and sheathed the dagger. "For fledgling conspirators, we were lucky. The only part of the plan to succeed was mine. No one else carried out their orders. In the hue and cry over the unsolved murder of the Lord Commander, the prince"s plans fell apart. His supporters lost courage, and he departed for the border to fight the Madruns."
"And you?" Caelan prompted.
"I barely escaped with my life and hid for days, terrified of arrest. His highness abandoned me."
"But he-"
"Don"t defend him!" Orlo snapped. "By the G.o.ds, you will not find excuses for him in this."
"You weren"t caught," Caelan pointed out. "Did he not have you protected?"
"No. He was long gone by then, anxious to cover his trail. I spent a year in hiding, skulking around the provinces, until I was caught for army desertion and flogged. I spun a believable tale. I wasn"t connected to the murder. At the end of my term, I didn"t re-enlist. Instead, I took employment in a run-down gladiatorial arena out in Sarmina. That led to a better job in a bigger town with a bigger arena. Finally I returned to lmperia."
"And the prince made you one of his trainers."
Orlo"s expression filled with contempt. "The prince had nothing to do with it. I gained the job on my own."
"But you trained me. You trained his other fighters."
"I worked for the public arena," Orlo said coldly. "When the prince was informed of my skills, he came to interview me for his service."
"And he had forgotten you," Caelan guessed.
Orlo"s mouth twisted. "You love a tale, don"t you, boy? No, he had not forgotten me. Recognition lay in his eyes the moment we looked at each other. He was shocked and cautious, but he knew I could never denounce him without destroying myself. I took his money to train occasional fighters for him, but I did not reenter his service until you came."
Caelan stared at this man, who had once been his enemy and who had slowly become a friend. To see Orlo so vulnerable, so open, disturbed Caelan. He understood now the cynicism and bitterness, and most of all, the distrust.
"Why did you help me?" he asked now. He had tried to ask before, but Orlo would never give him an answer. "Why do this for me? Why trust me now with your secret?"
Orlo frowned and finally looked away. Something helpless and bewildered lay in his face. "I-I don"t know," he said at last. "I cannot explain why I should care what befalls you. But. . . Ah, G.o.ds, what lies in a man, that he can convince others to help him? Why do the G.o.ds give one man qualities that they deny to others? Why have you succeeded in the arena beyond anyone else? How have you survived, and how have you kept your spirit that will not be tamed? What makes you different and unique?"
His expression deepened into a scowl. Suddenly he looked angry and embarra.s.sed. "I"m a fool," he said gruffly.
Caelan was touched. He reached out, but Orlo flinched away from his hand.
"Why," Orlo asked heavily, "did you have me train you?"
"Because you"re the best trainer in Imperia. You could keep me alive."
"No. I meant, why ask for me when you have never heeded anything I"ve said to you?"
"I heed you when what you say is useful," Caelan retorted, annoyed again. "Otherwise, I follow my own judgment."
Orlo"s gaze dropped to Caelan"s wounded side. To the side that was now healed by a mysterious process that Orlo, in his fear of foreign religions and ways, probably didn"t understand.
"Thank you for your trust," Caelan said. "I will not betray your confidence."
Orlo shot him a look of despair mingled with exasperation. "You will not learn from it either."
Caelan had no answer.
"You will continue to follow him," Orlo said bitterly. "You great, stubborn lout. You cannot be taught. You cannot be shown. You cannot be warned. Always you will do things your own way."
"My way works best for me," Caelan said softly. "All my life others have tried to shape me to their will. I cannot do that."
"Then he will will destroy you," Orlo said. "Perhaps he will even get you killed. Be d.a.m.ned, then," he muttered, and flung himself out. destroy you," Orlo said. "Perhaps he will even get you killed. Be d.a.m.ned, then," he muttered, and flung himself out.
Chapter Four.
Caelan turned around too fast, nearly lost his balance as his knees went wobbly on him, and sat heavily on the bed to save himself from falling. For a few seconds he was so dizzy he had to grip the side of the bed; then his head cleared again. Breathing hard, he wiped sweat from his face.
The door opened quietly. Inwardly Caelan groaned, and he forced himself to lift his head. "Orlo, I-"
It was not Orlo who returned, but the healer. For the first time the man stepped into the light where Caelan could see him clearly. It was Agel. His cousin and boyhood friend, whom Caelan had not seen since being expelled from Rieschelhold, the school of healing arts.
Agel... the steady, dependable one ... grown to manhood now ... more gaunt and austere than handsome. His face had the etched clarity of an ascetic. He stood tall and still, his hands folded out of sight in the wide sleeves of his white robe.
Caelan lost his breath. Thoughts tumbled through his mind without making sense. He had believed he would never see any of his family again, yet now he had found Agel. It was a miracle, a return of hope.
Consumed with happiness, Caelan smiled and tried to speak. But his throat choked up, and unmanly tears blurred his vision. Caelan averted his face sharply, struggling to master himself.
Agel"s hand settled gently on his shoulder. "You are overwrought," he said. "Rest and let the healing finish."
Caelan gripped Agel"s hand in both of his. "I cannot believe you are here," he said in Trau, his words running eagerly over each other. "I have often thought of you, wondered how you did and where you were. And now, to find you here, in Imperia, is-"
"Rest," Agel said. His voice remained calm and serene. He continued to speak in Lingua, and his hand lay slack in Caelan"s grip. "Loss of temper destroys the balance of harmony, and healing cannot finish. I should have denied you all visitors until you were stronger."
Caelan stared at him. There was no joy, no recognition in Agel"s face. When Caelan"s fingers loosened, Agel withdrew his hand and tucked it back inside his sleeve. Caelan"s happiness faded, to be replaced by sharp hurt.
"Don"t you know me?" he whispered. "Cousin, I am-"
"Yes, Caelan, I know you."
Caelan waited, yearning for more, but Agel said nothing. His eyes betrayed nothing. It was as though Beva had returned-cold, detached, unfeeling. Agel was living in severance, severance, too distant to touch. too distant to touch.
"Is there nothing you will say?" Caelan asked hoa.r.s.ely.
"You should lie down and sleep."
"d.a.m.n you!" Caelan shouted. He shoved himself furiously to his feet.
Agel blinked and took an involuntary step back.
That angered Caelan more. "How in Gault"s name can you do this to me? We were friends, the closest. We grew up together. We were-Is there nothing left between us? Nothing? You are all the family I have left. Can you not even say "well met" to me? Can you not give me something?"
Agel"s expression did not change. He met Caelan"s eyes steadily. "What would you have me say?"
"Oh, something like "Caelan, I"m relieved to find you alive. Caelan, I"m glad to see you. Caelan, let us sit a while and talk of old times." Something along those lines. Nothing too emotional. I wouldn"t want you to lose harmony."
Agel might have been a stone. He watched Caelan lurch to the foot of the bed and grab a bedpost for support. He did not move.
"Discussing the past is unproductive," he said. "The events have occurred. They cannot be undone. As for regrets, they are a waste of time. You chose the course of your life, as I have chosen mine."
"I did not not choose this!" Caelan said violently. "G.o.ds, do you think I crawled into the city and begged them to make a slave of me?" choose this!" Caelan said violently. "G.o.ds, do you think I crawled into the city and begged them to make a slave of me?"
Agel turned his head and gazed about the luxurious room. Compared to a Trau home, the place looked too full of furniture, too gaudy; it would be considered excessive and wasteful. Caelan frowned, but it was Agel who spoke next: "Slavery seems to have its rewards. You have done well for yourself here."
Caelan gasped, but even as memories of floggings, nights spent crouched in filthy straw, long hours of brutal drills, and the grim realities of arena combat flashed through his mind, he realized he could not explain anything to Agel. His cousin had already judged him by these surroundings, and would never believe anything else.
Pride lifted Caelan"s chin. "Yes," he said tightly. "I have done well. I have a master who rewards me when I please him. I have a roof over my head. I have the security of knowing I will be fed and clothed. Even my slave chain is made of gold. Isn"t it pretty?"
"You have the gifts of healing," Agel said in a stern voice. "So much talent and potential, and you wasted it all. Worse, you have put your gifts into the hands of evil. You use severance severance to kill, do you not?" to kill, do you not?"
The unexpected attack left Caelan silent.
"To do so is an abomination," Agel said. "An abhorrence to all life. The citizens of Imperia worship you. They throw coins and flowers at you in tribute. "The mighty warrior Caelan," they cry. How greatly would they cheer you if they knew the truth? That it is not with the sword that you slay your victims, but with your talent?"
Agel"s unjust accusations stung Caelan. Years ago, when they were young boys, Agel had been fair and open-minded, but the teachers at Rieschelhold had obviously erased those qualities from him. Now he was petty and prejudiced. He had prejudged Caelan, and his disapproval hurt.
Before Caelan could say anything, Agel continued in that same soft, relentless voice: "The deaths of your many victims is like a dirty cloak over you. When I look at you from severance, severance, I see you in shadow, vague and obscured. You are tainted and foul." He paused a moment, his lips tight as he a.s.sessed Caelan. "You even use I see you in shadow, vague and obscured. You are tainted and foul." He paused a moment, his lips tight as he a.s.sessed Caelan. "You even use sevaisin, sevaisin, do you not? I can tell it is entwined about you." do you not? I can tell it is entwined about you."
Repulsion filled his eyes. "It has always been forbidden. Where did you come by it? Who taught you such evil? In the memory of your father and all he stood for, how can can you?" you?"
Caelan sighed. All his life he had struggled between the two extremes of his unwanted gifts. Severance, Severance, the cold isolation, and the cold isolation, and sevaisin, sevaisin, the joining of life to life. No man should be able to do both, yet he could. The struggle to keep them balanced, the struggle to keep himself from going mad between them at times, seemed harder and harder. He feared himself, feared what might befall him if he ever gave way. Which side of him would eventually win? Yet, for now, he had no means of saving himself except to practice the very principles of balance so revered in Trau. He often felt like a man walking the crumbling edge of a precipice, with no solid ground ahead of him. the joining of life to life. No man should be able to do both, yet he could. The struggle to keep them balanced, the struggle to keep himself from going mad between them at times, seemed harder and harder. He feared himself, feared what might befall him if he ever gave way. Which side of him would eventually win? Yet, for now, he had no means of saving himself except to practice the very principles of balance so revered in Trau. He often felt like a man walking the crumbling edge of a precipice, with no solid ground ahead of him.
No one had ever known his secret, except his father, who had called him a monster. And now Agel knew also. His condemnation showed plainly in his face.
"Please," Caelan said softly. "Try to understand ..."
"Sevaisin is forbidden!" Agel snapped. "Why did you seek such a thing? Why did you study it?" is forbidden!" Agel snapped. "Why did you seek such a thing? Why did you study it?"
"I didn"t-"
"Was it to dishonor your father"s memory? Was it to stain his accomplishments, all he stood for? Has this been your purpose?"
Caelan"s temper slipped. "You said to let the past lie. My father is dead. Why should I seek to dishonor a dead man?"
"What other reason could you have to willingly pursue such a course of study?"
"I didn"t study sevaisin!" sevaisin!" Caelan shouted. "I was born with it, just as I was born with Caelan shouted. "I was born with it, just as I was born with severance." severance."
"No one has both!"
"I do!"
They glared at each other, both tight-lipped and pale. Agel"s eyes slowly widened. He looked increasingly alarmed.
At last, Caelan thought in satisfaction. He had managed to break through his cousin"s icy reserve. There was nothing like shock to destroy the harmony.
Agel"s gaze flickered toward the door.
"You can"t run and tell the elders," Caelan said. "Traulanders are scarce in this city. There is no one to scourge scourge me because of your accusations. There is no one to me because of your accusations. There is no one to sever sever me or to put me out in the wilderness to wander. No one in Imperia cares. Half the citizens don"t believe in either me or to put me out in the wilderness to wander. No one in Imperia cares. Half the citizens don"t believe in either sevaisin sevaisin or or severance. severance. The rest follow observances that truly are abominations. The city is a melting pot of cultures and beliefs. You will have to get used to that." The rest follow observances that truly are abominations. The city is a melting pot of cultures and beliefs. You will have to get used to that."
"What is to be done with you?" Agel said despairingly.
"Nothing. I am what I am."
Agel frowned. He seemed to be trying to regain his composure, although he still looked shaken. "You are much changed in the years since we last saw each other. You have grown harsh and cynical. You jest about evil with an air of worldly sophistication. You commit unspeakable acts, then ask me to accept you. I used to think you would grow out of your rebelliousness and settle into a useful life. Instead, you kill for the amus.e.m.e.nt of others. You are an entertainer of the vilest kind. I cannot begin to comprehend what you are."
Now it was Caelan"s turn to be made of stone. He stared at his cousin and felt only coldness. "It is time for you to go."
Agel looked jolted. "My work is unfinished."
"I don"t want you. Go."
Agel"s expression smoothed into something tight and unreadable. "It is not a question of your choice. Your master has requested my services on your behalf. The fact that you are so difficult to heal is-"
"Tell him I"m too difficult. You"ve done all you can. Get out."
"I will not lie. And I am not finished."
"You are if I refuse you," Caelan said, clenching his fists. His head was throbbing, and he was beginning to feel faintly nauseous. The pain came seeping back. "Go back to wherever you came from and stand there looking wise, mysterious, and foreign. I"ll take my chances with the arena physician."
His harsh, sarcastic tone slid off Agel without effect. "I am newly appointed to the imperial court," Agel said with a trace of pride. "The emperor gave his gracious permission that I should attend you. However undeserving, you have been honored, and I will not shirk my responsibilities no matter what private opinions I hold."
Caelan frowned. He thought Agel had hurt him all that was possible. He realized how wrong he was. As long as he still cared for his cousin, he would go on being hurt again and again. "You really hate me, don"t you?"
"Hatred is the ant.i.thesis of balance," Agel replied.
"All right, then. You"ve made yourself clear enough. You consider me a monster and an abomination. Not original, but then you always wanted to imitate my father. What do you feel, if not hatred?" He leaned forward and glared at Agel. "Fear?"
"Disappointment," Agel said without flinching.
Caelan"s frown deepened. The anger in him deflated, leaving him hollow and tired. As a reunion, this was a nightmare. Lectures . .. disapproval... disappointment. It never changed. He"d been a fool to want to return to Trau. He told himself now he would never go back. As for Agel, there would be no future meetings with him if Caelan could help it.
Lifting his chin, Caelan squared himself and faced his cousin. "I, too, am disappointed," he said, holding his voice hard to avoid giving away his emotions. "I thought, despite everything that has befallen us, we could still hold our friendship."
Agel met his gaze. "You are the one who turned away from our friendship. We had everything planned together, but you ran away from Rieschelhold, putting yourself and everyone in jeopardy that night. You did all that you could to get yourself expelled. You even broke our bond. I wept for you as you walked through the gates, turning your back on the greatest calling a man can follow. But I have not wept for you since. And I will not forgive you now. I see you clearly, Caelan E"non, for what you represent. I do not like it, and I will not keep friendship with you, not even for the sake of the blood we share."
Caelan felt frozen. Every word was like a blow, and despite his anger and disappointment he had no defenses with which to shield himself.
"The road of life has turns we do not always foresee," he said. "I am glad your road has always been so simple and straight. Mine has not been, and probably will never be. All I know is that I must stay true to myself, not to what other people planned for me. I have only one final statement for you, and then we will be finished with our candor. We need never speak to each other again.