"I"m not "listening" to them," I protested, turning my head soon enough to see him sitting down next to me. "That particular lesson was one I learned on my own - and if you need to sit down that badly, find an unoccupied chair. This one is taken."
"What are you afraid of?" he asked very mildly, one hand having pushed the side of his blue robe out of the way. "Didn"t you say you could best me even without the Learning? And I"m not threatening you in any way, all I"m doing is sitting here. Is that anything to be afraid of?"
"I didn"t say I was afraid of you," I answered in what was almost a mutter, forced to look away again from those very blue eyes. "I - don"t like having anyone - this close to me. It - goes against all the training I"ve had, and - I told you how my senses have been heightened, made sharper-"
"I believe that means you can tell I didn"t come here just to talk," he said, a gentle amus.e.m.e.nt in his voice as his right hand crossed me to lean on the lounge to my left. "Your senses must be very sharp, but there"s still nothing for you to be afraid of."
"Not wanting something doesn"t mean you"re afraid of it," I said, the words coming out fainter than I liked. "If I"m the best you can do, High Master, then your strength must be a lot less than you claim. This city has to be filled with women who would fight for your attention, so why don"t you - "
"By all the G.o.ds," he exclaimed softly, and his hand came to my face to turn it more fully toward him. "I couldn"t quite see it happening, but somehow you"re uglier now than you were five heartbeats ago. Nothing about your face has really changed, but - Were you able to do this while you were a slave?"
I made no effort to answer him, d.a.m.ning the fact that his ability had helped him to notice, but he nodded just as though I"d spoken.
"Yes, of course you were able to do it," he said, absolutely certain. "You"re not the kind of woman who could have been forced to constantly serve guardsmen and still have stayed sane.
You made the ugliness so intense they never came near you - but something about that bothers you."
Those blue eyes were so sharp they seemed to be boring straight through my head. He was searching for the answer to his not-quite question, and it wasn"t long before he found it.
"Now I understand," he said, his hand leaving my face to stroke my hair. "You were able to keep yourself untouched, but couldn"t do anything to help the women around you. It must have felt as though you were buying your own safety at their expense."
"That"s exactly what I did do," I confirmed his guess, this time making no effort to look away.
"My ... partic.i.p.ation would have eased the burden on them, but I couldn"t make myself do it.
And at one time I actually boasted about how brave I was."
"You must have been a child," he said, the hand on my hair gentle. "Only children think strictly in black and white, with no shades of gray. The bravest fighter I ever knew had one point of fear he couldn"t handle, and that no matter how hard he tried. He was terrified at the thought of being stung by an insect, and would break and run at the first sight of a bee or wasp.
If you put a dagger to his throat he would laugh at you, but one small bee...""Is that supposed to be the same?" I demanded. "How many people suffered because he ran from an insect? And even if he hadn"t run, would that have guaranteed his being stung rather than someone else? It didn"t - "
"Stop enjoying all that guilt," he interrupted sternly, much of the air of understanding patience gone. "You saved yourself without being able to do the same for others, but that makes you fortunate, not guilty. You didn"t sacrifice the others, not when your being brutalized wouldn"t have kept the same thing from happening to them. The ones you took unfair advantage of were the guardsmen, but if that bothers you you"re beyond all hope. And besides, it was their own fault for being concerned with nothing but appearances."
"Is that supposed to mean you"re better than they are because you"re not?" I asked, letting the subject be changed from a situation he didn"t understand as clearly as he thought he did.
"You"re far superior to those guardsmen because you can see the beauty of my heart and personality?"
"Beauty isn"t exactly the word I would have chosen," he said with a grin, showing nothing of the insult I"d been hoping for. "Just because I know you"re being abrasive on purpose doesn"t mean I can keep myself from reacting to that abrasiveness. No, the attraction I feel has nothing to do with beauty, and I can"t really tell you what it does have to do with."
"I can," I said with as much of a shrug as it"s possible to perform when half lying down. "I said the bunch of you were crazy, and that obviously goes double for you. Please move out of the way so I can get up."
"Women always think men are crazy," he said with a soft laugh, deliberately leaning closer rather than moving away as I"d asked. "You don"t understand us any more than we understand you, but that doesn"t mean we"re crazy. There"s something about you that draws me the way my summons draws Power, Aelana, and I want to show you that I"m serious about this. You say I can have the most beautiful women in the city if I want them? Well, I say - maybe some other time."
His right hand moved under my back to pull me closer, his left hand tangled in my hair, and then he was kissing me. I"d been braced against the hard press of an intrusive mouth against mine and was all ready to fight, but his kiss was enough of a shock to keep me from reacting immediately. Rather than hurting me in any way he was being exquisitely gentle, his lips soft, his hold no more than firm, even his beard silky against my face. His mouth tasted mine and shared the taste of his own, more of a giving than a taking.
"I"d appreciate it if you would kiss me back," he murmured, now touching his lips to my cheek.
"This sort of thing works out best when it"s a joint effort."
And then his lips were covering mine again, giving me no chance to say anything even if I"d been able to think of something. I could smell his desire clearly, and it was making me feel strange in a way I"d never experienced before. What he was doing wasn"t right, but I was too confused to figure out in which direction the wrong lay.
"Come on now, won"t you give it even a small try?" he said again, his smile very definitely amused. "I"ve always heard it said that a Kenoss Life Seeker never gives up, but you haven"t even gotten started."
His words were like the clang of an alarm bell in the dead of night, waking me into instant action. I was a Kenoss and no Kenossi woman ever just sat there and let herself be taken over.
I stiffened my right hand and sent the edge toward his face even as I began to bring up my legs to use them for kicking, but none of it worked out right. Instead of being taken by surprise Fearin seemed to have been expecting my reaction, and his response was even more immediate than my attack.
The arm that had been around me was abruptly blocking my first blow, and then all of him was in motion. His body shifted to hold mine down, his forearm deflecting another strike, and then his hands were wrapped around my wrists, forcing my arms above my head. I struggled with every ounce of strength I had, cursing the awkward position I"d started from, finding itimpossible not to spit a single word in the language of the Strong and Victorious.
"Now, now, none of that," he warned, not understanding the word but apparently getting the general idea. "I told you I had some experience with hand-to-hand fighting, I just didn"t mention that I"m considered fairly good. Now you tell me: is this an Earning?"
"You tricked me!" I spat, still unable to break the hold of those big hands of his. "First you provoked the fight, not caring that you"d forced me into an impossible position, and then - "
"Never mind the frills and dressing," he interrupted, the words implacable. "A Kenossi man can"t simply claim a woman, he has to Earn her by showing he"s a better fighter. But once he does that he"s ent.i.tled to her full cooperation, which she"s bound to give. Am I right?"
"You"re not a Kenoss," I pointed out flatly, beginning to feel even more trapped. "You can"t - "
"But you are a Kenoss," he interrupted again. "You"re bound to honor an Earning under all circ.u.mstances, not just with Kenoss men. The binding doesn"t mention who you have to honor it with, just that you have to do it."
"I"ve never heard of a man who wasn"t a Kenoss accomplishing an Earning," I muttered, trying to find a way out, but there wasn"t any. He stared down at me, waiting for me to understand that, knowing I simply didn"t want to understand. My people had twice sent me away from them, but I couldn"t forget or ignore what they"d taught.
"Say it out loud," Fearin directed, obviously reading my expression. "If I"ve won, I want to hear you say so."
"You"ve won," I conceded flatly, hating the need to say the words. It didn"t really matter that he"d caught me off-balance. I shouldn"t have been off-balance, but since I was I deserved whatever I got.
"Your hearty congratulations are modestly accepted," he said with a grin, finally letting me go.
"Now we can both get comfortable and do this the right way."
He stood up to take off his robe, then began to open his shirt. His chest was covered with fine blond hair, lighter than his beard, and the muscles in his arms were deeply creased. It was unexpected to find a man of Power in such good physical shape, unexpected and hardly pleasing. If he"d been even a shade slower...
"All you"ve done so far is sit up," he pointed out as he did his own sitting in a nearby chair, the better to pull off his boots. "Get rid of that tunic and by then I ought to be with you."
Hearing that left me less than delighted, but it wasn"t possible to argue. He"d achieved an Earning, and I was the one he"d Earned. I lifted up to get the bottom of the tunic out from under me, pulled it off and tossed it away, then lay down flat and just waited.
Fearin hadn"t been rushing madly to get out of his clothes, but he also hadn"t been dawdling. All too soon he was lying down to my right on the lounge that was no longer as wide as it had been, and his right arm came to cross my body again.
"You"ve regained some of the roundness girls are supposed to have, but you"re still too thin,"
he said, examining me with his eyes. "Lokkel"s healing spell did most of the work so far, but now you have to help it. I don"t want to catch you refusing any more meals."
He paused as though waiting for me to say something, but I had nothing to say. He might have managed to corner me, but the rest of what I did was none of his business.
"Even so, you really are looking a lot better than when we first found you," he finally went on, his tone softened as his hand slid beneath my back. "Are you this reluctant because it will be the first time for you?"
"No," I answered, staring at the rain past the line of his arm. I just wished he would stop all the talking and simply get it over with.
"It"s not the first time, but you"re still reluctant," he summed up, his stare something I could feel. "And not just reluctant, but almost clenching your teeth. Are you afraid I"ll hurt you?"
I could feel a faint, humorless smile curving my lips, but there were no words to go with it.
Afraid? Not the way he meant it.
"All right, so you"re the great big Kenoss Shadowborn who isn"t afraid of anything," he saidwith some irritation, once again reading my expression. "You"ll kill anyone who hurts you, and you have the skill to do it. But there"s still something bothering you, and I"d like to know what it is."
"What is or isn"t bothering me is none of your business," I said, impatience beginning to touch me. "You"re supposed to have Earned your pleasure, not a conversation. Either get it done now or get out of here and leave me alone."
"Ah, so you think it"s my pleasure alone that I"ve Earned," he said, sounding as though he"d suddenly learned something important. "I believe that tells me what"s bothering you, but I won"t simply say you"re wrong. This is something you have to be shown, so do just as I tell you.
You won"t be sorry."
I hadn"t the faintest idea of what he was talking about, but I wasn"t given the chance to ask questions. The first thing I was ordered to do was kiss him, and it suddenly gave me the strangest feeling.
Back when I was still young and not yet chosen by the Inadni, when the other girls my age and I had first noticed that boys weren"t simply there to be competed against... We"d taken several opportunities to see how well they kissed, knowing those of us who survived would one day be Earned by one of the survivors of their number...
Those first kisses had been very much like the ones Fearin was insisting on, short and experimental, a testing as to whether or not we really liked it. It was clear he did like it, but he seemed to be giving me the chance to make up my own mind. I was fairly sure I didn"t like the kissing, but back when I"d been younger it hadn"t been terrible at all...
After a little while Fearin made me put my hands on him, and then his own hands began to caress my body. He didn"t stop the kissing, just added the touching, and it was all making me very uncomfortable. None of that was like what I"d been expecting, and I simply didn"t understand...
And then I discovered I no longer cared about understanding. His body was hard and strong under my hands, the stroking of his own hands was making my breath come fast, and the scent of his desire - ! It all made my head swim so badly that I found myself tasting his lips and mouth with my tongue, wanting at the same time to taste even more...
When his fingers slid between my thighs I gasped, but not with upset or pain. I wanted him to touch me there, wanted more than a touch, but his lips and tongue were too busy with my right nipple for him to notice. My hips moved to the rhythm of his stroking fingers, and my left hand found the arrow of his desire and squeezed with strength. He groaned low in his throat at that, but refused to abandon his licking and kissing.
But it wasn"t long before he had to abandon what he was doing. His need was quickly growing beyond his control, and there was no turning back. When he put himself between my knees I felt a brief touch of the loathing I"d live with for so long, but then he had entered me and the feeling was gone. What he was doing was something we both wanted, and although I hadn"t expected to feel this way there was no doubt that I did.
After that there was nothing but pleasure, a sharing pleasure I hadn"t known was possible.
Fearin continued to guide me even as he stroked deep and kissed me almost as deeply, and all of his suggestions made it even better. The pleasure went on for eternity before it ended sublimely for us both, and afterward we lay side by side, facing one another.
"For someone who wanted it over with as fast as possible, you didn"t seem to mind working to keep it going," he said after a short while, gentle amus.e.m.e.nt in his voice as his hand brushed back my sweat-soaked hair. "I give you my thanks for that, as well as for all the rest of it."
"Why would you thank me for something we both enjoyed?" I asked, raising my eyes to his face while my fingers continued to toy with his chest hair. "And why do I find touching you so pleasant even now, when I don"t feel that same desire any longer?"
"I"m delighted that you find touching me pleasant," he said with a soft laugh. "It proves that you really did find the experience as enjoyable as I did. As far as thanking you goes, I wastaught that a gentleman should always thank the lady who favors him. Haven"t you ever been thanked before?"
His question immediately brought back the memories his actions had temporarily buried, so I moved out of his gentle hold to sit alone. Using both hands got all the damp hair out of my eyes, and then I was able to look at the pouring rain again.
"Obviously that was an extremely stupid question," he said from behind me, and then his hand came to my bare back. "If you"d like to talk about it, I"d be glad to listen."
I didn"t even need to think about it before shaking my head, not when there were details that couldn"t be discussed. I"d enjoyed what Fearin had brought to me, but there were still things about me he didn"t know.
"Well, if you don"t want to talk, at least come back here and let me hold you," he said then. "I have to be getting back to the work waiting for me, but I"d first like to spend a little more time with you."
"I really don"t understand why you took the time to come here in the first place," I said, letting his hand on my arm coax me back to lying flat. "We haven"t exactly been getting along beautifully since we met, so why did you do this?"
"When you ask questions like that, those big blue eyes of yours always watch carefully for the part of the answer that doesn"t come in words," he said with a smile, doing nothing to avoid those eyes he"d mentioned. "No, we haven"t been getting along beautifully since we met, but that"s the precise reason I"m here. You"re not the only one who expects people to react to them in one, unvarying way and I know exactly how hard that is to take after a while."
I frowned at his answer for a moment, but then the obvious explanation came clear. Fearin was a High Master, a man in control of an incredible amount of Power. Most people would tremble at the mere thought of disagreeing with him, not to mention getting him angry. It was true I hadn"t done much in the way of bowing and sc.r.a.ping, but not because I"d been trying to impress him...
"I know that that"s simply the way you are," he said with a laugh, once again reading my expression. "I started out being furious with that way, but it quickly became too attractive to make me angry. You don"t have to be afraid I"ll ask something of you that you aren"t prepared to give; we"ll let that part of it take its time, and see what, if anything, develops for the both of us. But I am going to ask a favor of you."
"What kind of favor?" I said, finding it impossible not to narrow my eyes at him. If he thought I"d jump to do as he wanted just because - "Stop being so suspicious," he scolded with another laugh. "I"ve already taken full advantage of you, so what"s left to worry about? The favor I"m going to ask is this: don"t spend your time wondering why our group accepts you or when it"s going to end. Just enjoy the acceptance while you have it, and if it ends, well, then it will be over and you can go back to the way things were.
Until then, why waste the pleasure of the a.s.sociation by refusing to partic.i.p.ate?"
His expression had grown sober again, and his arms around me were part of the acceptance he"d mentioned. I still didn"t feel right about any of that, but his idea was really tempting.
"Store the memories against a time I"ll have to do without the real thing," I summed up, tasting the sweetness of the concept with my mind. "But how much more will it hurt to lose something you"ve let yourself enjoy?"
"If you stop to think about it, nothing lasts forever but the G.o.ds," he answered, leaning down to kiss my brow. "Normal people lose things they enjoy or even love all the time, but most of them have learned to accept what they have while they have it. Fortunately or unfortunately we"re not the same as they, but it"s a lesson we could make use of. Will you at least try to grant me my favor?"
"Suppose I think about trying?" I offered, certain there had to be something wrong with so attractive an idea. "I"ll think about it and then I"ll let you know."
"Well, I did say I found your way of doing things attractive, didn"t I," he said with a smallheadshake and sigh. "If you have to think about it first go ahead, but don"t spend too long in thought. Remember the frog who got trampled by a herd of rabbits when it couldn"t decide which way to jump."
"Frog?" I echoed as he sat up to get off the lounge. "Herd of rabbits?"
"Certainly," he agreed while reaching for the first of his clothing. "Haven"t you ever heard that old story?"
I know I was seriously considering that something had happened to his mind, but then I saw the twinkle in his eyes behind that very neutral expression and understood he was teasing me. That was another thing that hadn"t happened since I was very young, and it made me feel even stranger than the kissing.
"I have work waiting for me, but you don"t," he said when he"d settled his robe around him again. "At least you don"t have work right now, so take advantage of that. Relax and enjoy the peace and quiet, and I"ll see you later at dinner."
He leaned down to kiss me full on the lips, letting the kiss linger for a moment, and then he was striding out to see to his work. He"d said I had nothing to do, but he was wrong. I had thinking to do, about strange, painful, attractive subjects, but I was in no hurry at all to get to that thinking. I lay on the wide lounge with the cool, rain-laden air caressing me, and didn"t let a single thought spoil the pleasure.
Chapter 10.
The dimness of a rainy day had changed to the dark of a rainy evening, and servants had earlier come in to light the lamps. The two girls had been startled to find me sitting naked in the dark, but I"d distracted them by telling them to fill a bath for me. I"d finally gotten to the thinking I"d had to do, and I"d needed hot water to soak the knots from my muscles.
Now I stood in front of the long mirror in the bed chamber, studying my reflection and trying to wipe the frown from my face. After the bath I"d grudgingly put on the clothes Fearin had provided that morning, and they were trying to bring back unpleasant memories. The trousers and tunic were a ribbed, tight-fitting cloth, the trousers in pale gray, the short tunic in bright yellow. The dark gray, mid-calf boots were a very soft leather, so soft it was the next best thing to going barefoot.
And all of it was disturbingly like the practice clothing we wore while studying with the Inadni...
Except for the colors. I forced myself to concentrate on the colors, and also on the silver belt Fearin had included. In training Shadowborn wore color only on their headbands, and never would have allowed the presence of a metal belt, even a tight-cinching one. Those things made all the difference, and I would have to remember that and concentrate on something else.
Like my face. I was finally able to smile faintly as I examined my features, turning my head back and forth. My hair was looking better after having been thoroughly washed, but Garam"s original declarations about my ugliness wouldn"t have changed. It was - "Aelana, are you ready?" Fearin"s voice called from the inner sitting room. "If you are, we"re here to pick you up."
I was curious about who the "we" might be, and got the answer to that as soon as I joined them. Talasin and Garam stood with Fearin, and they all looked me over as I approached.
"Ah, you"re wearing them," Fearin said, obviously referring to the clothes. "There"s a faint chill in the air tonight, so I"m glad you are. We"ll go on to the dinner in a moment, but first I need to tell you three something Lokkel and Ranander have already been told."
That got him our attention, just as I"m sure he knew it would.