She"s very, very depressed now. She wants to talk to you about getting Echo into the school and then she wants to set things up with her attorney, trusts, stuff like that. She"s thinks the Grim Reaper has been peering in her window."
"Well. I hope not, but she"s wise to want to do all that. I"ll help with the school."
He sat up. "What does this mean? You"re going to leave?"
"Not until it"s all arranged. I promised her."
"Good," he said. "Well, in an ironic way. Rhona did us all a favor. She convinced Mrs. Westington to do the right things with Echo and I won"t have to quit tutoring to force her to do it. That will make my mother happy, too."
"That"s nice," I said dryly, still not appreciating why his mother was so against his tutoring a deaf child, since that was his life"s work.
"You okay? You want to put on the lights?"
"No, this is fine," I said. Actually, it made me feel better to be more in the darkness than the light when it came to being with him like this.
"Destiny eyed me coming in," he said. I could see his smile. "But I told her I had your permission and she relaxed."
"Right," I said. laughing.
He patted the bed. "You okay with this? Being in here?" he asked when I hesitated.
"Yes. It"s fine," I said, and sat.
"I thought about you a lot today," he said. "Did you?"
"Yes. Actually. I couldn"t get you out of my mind and couldn"t wait to get here."
"Where did you tell your mother You were going tonight?"
"Just out, Don"t worry about it," he said sharply.
I wanted to ask him if he didn"t think he was a little old to be sneaking around his mother. but I didn"t want to ruin the moment or get him angry.
"Echo"s so upset about her mother," I told him.
"It"s heartbreaking to see."
"We"ll help her later." he said. "Let"s not think about all that now." He reached out for my hand and to tarn me more toward him. "Let"s just think about this." He brought his lips to mine and we kissed. It was a long, lingering kiss, almost too long. I had to take a deep breath.
"Sorry." he said. "I"m a little overanxious."
"It"s okay."
He kissed me again, softer, and then he held me for a moment, brushing his lips over my cheek and then down to my neck. I moaned softly and lay back. I let him start undressing mee. He wasn"t as awkward about it this time and he paused periodically to kiss inc again on the lips, the neck, and then my naked b.r.e.a.s.t.s, "One second," he said, rose, and went to the bedroom door. "I"m not taking any chances on that doll." he told me, and closed the door.
I laughed. In the shadows he undressed and then he prepared and returned to me. I"m going to make love. I thought, I"m going to make love with a man willingly. It was funny, but before we began. I couldn"t help wondering if Brenda had ever tried to be with a man and if that was when she"d been convinced she"d rather be with a woman.
There was no doubt in my mind that this was Tyler"s first time. too. Once again, he was somewhat awkward and clumsy, not sure of whether or not he was hurting me or not. He got excited quickly and it all seemed to be over before it had really begun. I felt terribly disappointed. He realized it and kept apologizing.
"Just wait," he said. "Give me a few minutes.
I"ll be better. It will be better."
I didn"t know what to say. I wasn"t that sure about how it was supposed to be anyway. He lay next to me, talking, telling me about how much he had looked forward to tonight and being with me. but I couldn"t help feeling he was trying desperately to keep me interested in him and in us.
"You must think I"m such a fool," he said. He sounded very angry now and I wasn"t sure he was directing all that anger at himself.
"No, it"s all right."
"Sure."
"Really," I said. "I"m fine."
"Maybe we should have the doll in here," he suddenly suggested.
"What?"
"I don"t know. Maybe it adds something."
"That"s a silly idea. Tyler. Really."
"I"ll be right back." he said. rising. He went into the bathroom and a few minutes later, he returned.
"Let"s do it by the book this time," he said.
Had he really studied up on it, read a book on lovemaking with directions and diagrams?
He sprawled over me, this time not bothering so much to kiss me. Instead, he lifted my legs and fit himself comfortably in between them.
"I"ll be better," he said. "I"ll be better."
He entered me slower and then we began to make love quite differently, with less of a frantic sense. I closed my eyes and he leaned down to kiss me.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, this is better. Tell me. Tell me," he insisted, as if he had to be rea.s.sured.
"It"s better," I said quickly. And it was.
I wasn"t afraid so much of being like Brenda as I was of not knowing if I was or if I wasn"t. My fear was I would be in some sort of s.e.xual limbo, never attracted to anyone, never attractive to anyone.
Celia, in an intimate moment, once told me she had been with men in her youth. "I was just never able to develop any sort of romantic relationship with any and after a while. I saw them as human d.i.l.d.os," she added. It was early on during my time with her and Brenda. and I was actually embarra.s.sed to hear these things. I certainly didn"t know what to say. She followed it with her short but melodic little laugh and never spoke of it again. I said nothing about it to Brenda.
I thought about it now, however, and wondered if what Tyler and I had just done meant we would have a romantic relationship. Even though it had been better the second time, so much of what happened seemed mechanical. He sat back on the bed, still naked, and said nothing. In the glimmer light of the candle. I thought he looked very content with himself.
He was almost gloating.
"Neither of us are ever going to forget this," he said. "for the rest of our lives. I read somewhere that s.e.xual experiences are the most permanently and deeply embedded memories a person can have. I can"t imagine someone saying he can"t remember having been with this woman or that or when, can you?"
"I guess not," I said.
"Anyway. I"m glad I came up here tonight."
That was the closest he came to saying anything romantic even though he might have planned to say more because a moment later, we heard a rap on the bedroom window. I turned and looked to see Rhona"s and Skeeter"s laughing faces and somewhere within my chest, my heart bobbed like an apple in a pot.
"Jesus!" Tyler cried. He hurriedly covered himself, but a moment later, their faces were gone.
"Who the h.e.l.l was that? Was that Rhona and her boyfriend?"
"Yes," I said, and quickly began to dress myself. "They must have seen the candlelight flickering in the window."
"d.a.m.n," he muttered, hurrying to get his clothes on. too. "Who knows how much they saw?
Who knows how long they were standing there?"
"What"s the difference what they saw and didn"t? I don"t care about them," I told him.
"Yes, but they could talk, gossip about us," he said. "d.a.m.n."
Was he worried about me, us, or that his mother might find out he had snuck up here to be with me? I wondered, "Take it easy," I said.
He shoved on his shoes and zipped up his pants.
"I"d better go." he said. hurrying. "I"ll see you tomorrow morning."
He opened the bedroom door and started for the front, practically charging out of the motor home.
"Tyler!" I called to him.
He paused in the dark. "Yes?"
"You could at least say goodnight before you run out of here."
"Oh. Right. Sorry. Good night," he offered, glanced at Destiny. and left.
I blew out the candle.
I was suddenly more comfortable in total darkness.
9.
Dream Catcher .
I delayed returning to the house. Despite what I had told Tyler about not caring what Rhona and Skeeter thought, I wanted to avoid them and their gleeful dirty smiles for as long as possible. What I didn"t antic.i.p.ate, however, was their eagerness to tell Mrs. Westington what they had just seen. She was still up and waiting for them in the living room. I imagined to bawl them out for not calling or letting her la-low what they were doing. But if that was what she wanted to do, she never got the chance to voice her complaint, or if she began, Rhona quickly interrupted and used me to change the subject.
When I finally walked in. Mrs. Westington was still seated in her chair. They had gone up to bed. She raised her eyes and turned to me. It took only one look at her face to see and understand what they had done.
"Did Rhona tell me the truth just now? Were you with Tyler Monahan over at your uncle"s motor home tonight?"
"Yes." I said, my eyes down.
"Was it a coincidence or did you and he plan to meet there?"
"We planned it," I said.
"I see. Well, you both have a right to do what you want," she said. "As far as I knew, you were going over there to organize your things. I knew nothing about Tyler and Rhona was happy to see the surprise on my face. I just don"t like it looking like something dirty or sneaky."
I felt so terrible adding to the weight of her troubles and worries.
"I"m sorry. I didn"t mean it to be either. Tyler was more concerned about anyone knowing than I was," I added, and immediately felt like a tattletale trying to let herself out of trouble by blaming most of it on someone who was with her at the time.
"Uh-huh. Knowing his mother, that doesn"t surprise me." she said. She sighed deeply and stood.
"I was hoping there would be trust between us."
"There is. I"m sorry." I said, this time nearly shedding tears.
"Rhona just loves jumping all over something like this, not that she has a right to poke an accusing finger at anyone else ever. You just can"t give her the opportunity. She was always like that, eager to point to someone else"s weaknesses or troubles as a way of diminishing her own. I didn"t bring her up that way.
She inherited it from some ancestor who was probably hanged as a witch in Salem or more probably one of those who hanged poor women who were accused. I was never like most mothers. lying to herself about her own child. Never trust her, no matter what she tells you. April."
"I know."
"Well, we"d best go to sleep. Contrary to what I had hoped, it looks like we"ll be needing all our strength for the days to come." she said. "Good night."
"Good night and I"m really sorry this happened."
She lifted her hand but continued on. I watched her walk out of the living room. She climbed the stairs as if she was climbing Mount Everest, Without even knowing her that well, I hated Rhona more than I had ever hated anyone for what she had done. but I hated myself even more tonight for giving her the opportunity to add to Mrs. Westington"s grief and worry.
I barely slept, antic.i.p.ating the coming of morning and whatever else Rhona and Skeeter would do. My conscience was like a hammer pounding at me, pointing out that after all Mrs. Westington had done and wanted to do for me. I had only made her lift and Echo"s life more difficult. A number of times during the night. I actually thought to get up, get dressed, take my things, and sneak off before morning came. I truly felt like I didn"t belong anywhere.
Finally, maybe only an hour or so before the sunlight washed way the darkness. I fell into an exhaustion and slept.
Echo shook me awake to tell me her mother had come home. She had peaked through the slightly open bedroom door and seen her in bed.
"And the dream catcher worked!" she declared with excitement in her face as she signed, "I didn"t have any nightmares."
I should have bought one for myself, too, I thought, but said nothing. I told her how happy I was for her. Full of new energy and hope, she urged me to hurry along while she went on to help her grandmother with breakfast. I moved like a zombie, but got washed and dressed and went downstairs. Mrs.
Westington still looked troubled and tired to me, but neither of us said anything more about the events from the night before. What should have been a wondrous, memorable experience for me had become troublesome and embarra.s.sing. Would I ever have a satisfying romantic experience?
After breakfast I waited outside to greet Tyler before he entered the house so I could warn him about what had happened. With all her work to be done spread out on the desk. Echo was in the office eagerly waiting for him. Trevor had gone to buy some supplies he needed at the lumber company. and Rhona and Skeeter were sleeping late as usual. The moment I saw Tyler"s sports car turn into the driveway, I hurried to meet him.
"What?" he said, seeing the look on my face. I told him what Rhona had done and how Mrs.