"Look at you, going off with all that dandruff on your coat collar!
Mamie, bring me that whisk broom."--"Ma"am," says I, when she"d finished the job and added a little pat to my necktie, "my name is Hubbs. It"s a homely name, and I"m a homely man; but if there"s any chance of ever persuadin" you to be Mrs. Nelson Hubbs, I"ll stick around this town until the crack of doom."--"Now don"t be foolish," says she. "Run along.
I"m busy." Wa"n"t so encouragin", was it? "Let"s see," says I, "what place is this anyhow?"--"The idea!" says she. "It"s Gopher; and let me tell you, Mr. Hubbs, some day it"s going to be one of the finest cities west of Chicago!"--"While you"re in it," says I, "it"s goin" to be good enough for me. I"m goin" to stay right here."
"Well, that"s what I did, Sir. The Gopher Gazette was for sale, and inside of twenty-four hours I"d bought it, one-third cash, and I"ve been runnin" it ever since. And I"ve proposed to Mrs. Whipple once a week reg"lar the whole ten months."
"Only to get more of that run-along-now advice?" says I.
He winks rapid two or three times by way of relievin" his feelin"s. "It ain"t exactly as bad as that," says he. "I reckon she"s kind of got used to my homely face, and if I have any good points at all, you can bet she"s found "em. Anyway, one night a couple of months ago she dropped a hint that was like manna from the sky. I"ve been livin" on it ever since. "Nelson," says she, "there"s only one man I"d have, and that"s the man who will put Gopher on the map.""
"Oh-ho!" says I. "Hence the b.u.t.tons?"
"That"s only part of my scheme," says Hubbs. "The rest I worked out between the time I got word from this Mr. Steele and the day I left for New York. Up to then I hadn"t thought of comin" East to boost Gopher; but the letter settled me. "I"m goin" on," says I to Mrs. Whipple, "and if Gopher ain"t on the map when I come back, I"ll never ask you again to change your name to Hubbs. I"ll change mine to Dubb!" So you see, Professor, I ain"t got any time to waste. Where can I find Mr. Steele?"
I gave him directions for locatin" J. Bayard, and off he pikes, swingin"
the green bag jaunty in one big paw. He"d been here ten minutes, and he"d told me the story of his life. Now see what Steele gets out of him.
"Shorty," says J. Bayard, driftin" in languid after lunch and caressin"
his bank president whiskers approvin" as he camps down by the desk, "the deeper I get into the career of your late friend, Pyramid Gordon, the more I am amazed at the infinite pains he took to deal unjustly with so many different persons of no account."
"All of which means, I expect," says I, "that you"ve been havin" a talk with Hubbs. Well, what you goin" to do for him?"
Mr. Steele shrugs his shoulders. "He is simply impossible!" says he.
"How"s that?" says I.
"I was unable to decide," says J. Bayard, "whether he was mentally unbalanced, or just plain crank. Comes from some absurd little hole out West, and has but one idea in his head,--to boom that place. Tried to pin a beastly b.u.t.ton on me. Ah! I see you have one."
"Sure!" says I. ""Go to Gopher!" Catchy, ain"t it?"
"Bah!" says he. "What do I care for his little two-by-four village? What does anyone care, save the poor wretches who must live there? And yet he insisted on boring me for one mortal hour with his preposterous schemes.
It appears that he has raised an advertising fund of a thousand dollars, and means to open a publicity bureau somewhere downtown."
"Well, that"s enterprisin", ain"t it?" says I.
"It"s imbecile!" says J. Bayard. "What can he do with a thousand in New York. You might as well try to sprinkle Central Park with a quart watering can. I told him so. I tried to get out of him too some suggestion as to how we could best carry out the terms of Gordon"s crazy will; some kind and generous act that we could do for him, you know. But he would talk of nothing but Gopher--everlastingly and eternally Gopher!"
"Yes," says I, "that"s his long suit."
"And do you know what he thinks he"s going to do?" goes on Steele. "Why, he"s had the nerve to plot out a whole quarter-section around his infernal town, organized a realty company, and had half a million dollars" worth of Gopher Development shares printed! Thinks he"s going to unload trash like that here in New York! Now what can I do for such a man?"
"Ain"t that right in your line, though?" says I.
"It may have been at one time," admits J. Bayard; "but to-day you couldn"t give away nickel chances on the national gold reserve. The market is dead. Even the curb brokers have fallen back on racing tin rolling toys and matching quarters."
Well, I couldn"t dispute it. If anyone knows the phony finance game at all, it"s J. Bayard Steele. And the best I could do was to get him to agree to sort of keep track of Hubbs and maybe, after he"d blown all his cash against this bloomin" stunt, step in and send him back to Gopher before he hit the bread line.
Must have been a week that I didn"t hear from either of "em, and then here the other afternoon J. Bayard calls up on the "phone.
"Shorty," says he, "if you want to see our friend Hubbs reach the pinnacle of his folly, come down to Broad street right away. I"ll meet you in front of the Hanc.o.c.k National!"
As there"s no rush on at the studio just then I goes down.
"It"s rich," says Steele. "Actually, that country clown is trying on, right here in New York, the same primitive methods that real estate boomers use in the soggy South and the woolly West. Would you believe it? Come have a look."
Well, say, it wa"n"t easy gettin" near enough, at that. But we works our way through the mob until we"re in front of the buildin", where there"s a big, yellow-lettered sign that reads:
GOPHER, U.S.A.
HEADQUARTERS
Underneath the sign was a big window with the sash out and a sort of platform juttin" over the sidewalk. Just as we arrives out steps Nelson Hubbs, wearin" the same rube rig and carryin" the same green bag. He looks just as big and homely and good-natured as ever.
"Friends," says he, sweepin" off the alfalfa lid with a flourish, "out in Gopher we always like to open up with a little music; and while I ain"t no Caruso, or anything like that, I"m goin" to do my best."
A snicker runs through the crowd at that, turnin" to haw-haws as he proceeds to unlimber something from the green bag. It"s an accordion, one of these push and pull organs. Believe me, though, he could sing some! Throwin" back his head and shakin" that heavy mop of hair, he roars out deep and strong the first advertisin" solo, I guess, that New York ever heard.
"Now, Friends, everybody in on the chorus!" he calls. "Every-body! Here she goes!
"Oh, I want to go to Gopher--Gopher-- Oh, I want to go to Gopher--Gopher!
The streets are straight, the sky is high, You"ll strike it rich, and live on pie, You can"t get sick, and you never die, In Gopher, U. S. A."
Did they join in? Say, it was a swingin" tune, the words was easy to follow, and the crowd was ready for anything. They simply cut loose, and by the time they"d done that chorus two or three times he had "em right with him. Then he springs his business spiel.
Talk about your boost orations--say, that was a cla.s.sic! He tells "em confidential how Gopher is the comin" metropolis of the great West; how, "with its main boulevard laid out along the sinuous, lovely banks of the pellucid Pinto River, and its western boundaries stretching off to the sunset-tinted tops of Soup Kettle Range, it has a scenic setting unsurpa.s.sed anywhere this side of Switzerland." And when it comes to predictin" how prosperity has picked Gopher for its very own, he goes the limit. Next he tells "em about the development company and the shares.
"Remember, Friends," says he, "every share means a front foot, and every front foot a fortune. Send in fifty shares, and we"ll give you a deed to a city lot. First come first served, and the early bird laps up the cream. I don"t urge you to buy "em. I"m just giving you a chance to get in on the ground floor. And if you don"t want to come in to-day, maybe you will to-morrow. Anyway, have a b.u.t.ton. Wear it! Tell your friends about Gopher. Here you are! Every-body have a b.u.t.ton!"
With that he scatters handful after handful broadcast into the crowd, which catches "em eager. Even J. Bayard gets excited and grabs for one.
"By George, Shorty!" says he. "Hanged if there isn"t the germ of a good idea in this scheme of his! Every share a front foot! And if he could only get the buying started----"
Steele is gazin" over the heads of the crowd absentminded. All of a sudden he breaks out again. "I have it!" says he. "I"ll get that curb gang to fooling with Gopher."
But, foxy as he was, I don"t believe J. Bayard knew just how big a bonfire he was touchin" off. I know I thought he was nutty when he wants me to O.K. his plan for buyin" a hundred shares to distribute free.
"Bait!" says he. "They"ll bite! You watch "em!"
Well, if you"ve been followin" the market close, you know what happened.
I expect the first bids was made just as a josh. I hear that Gopher Development started at ten cents. Then someone sold a block at fifteen.
By noon they"d gone to twenty. Durin" luncheon time a sporty bunch in a rathskeller cooked up the bright idea that it would be humorous to sell Gopher short and hammer the price down to five cents. Before three P.M.
the gross transactions had run into the thousands.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "Now, Friends!" he calls, "Everybody in on the chorus."]
I was in Hubbs" office when the first real money was paid over for Gopher. A hook-nosed young broker in a shepherd plaid suit and a pink felt hat rushes in and planks down twenty dollars for fifty shares at the market. Hubbs was just pa.s.sin" "em over too, when Steele interferes.
"Five more, please," says J. Bayard. "We are holding Gopher at 50."
"Wha"d"ye mean, fifty?" gasps the curb man. But he was short on a three-fifteen delivery, and he had to put up the extra five.