But why torture himself about it? For all the pa.s.sion and intimacy and ecstasy they"d shared, there had been large counterbalancing doses of anger and shouting and pain. And when she finally called it quits, she really really called it quits-completely severing herself from him, from the city, and everyone she had known here. No calls, no letters not a word. Kelly had a.s.sured him that Kara was alive and well in Elderun but that she most definitely did not want to see him any more. He hadn"t believed that. He"d traveled out through Amish country, groping through the area around a place called Bird In Hand until he"d finally found the Wade family farm and pounded on the door. Her mother had let him in but Kara had refused to come downstairs. He had stubbornly waited for hours in the warm but pitying presence of Mrs. Wade, but Kara wouldn"t even show her face. called it quits-completely severing herself from him, from the city, and everyone she had known here. No calls, no letters not a word. Kelly had a.s.sured him that Kara was alive and well in Elderun but that she most definitely did not want to see him any more. He hadn"t believed that. He"d traveled out through Amish country, groping through the area around a place called Bird In Hand until he"d finally found the Wade family farm and pounded on the door. Her mother had let him in but Kara had refused to come downstairs. He had stubbornly waited for hours in the warm but pitying presence of Mrs. Wade, but Kara wouldn"t even show her face.
That was when it finally got through his thick Irish skull that she really and truly wanted no part of him.
That had hurt him like never before. As if the heart had been ripped out of him, leaving him with an empty hole where it had been.
Rob stretched. But that was all in the past now. Time heals all wounds. Or so they said.
Kara certainly hadn"t needed much time to heal. She"d bounced back and married Mr. Right. He might be dead now, but at least she"d found him.
When"s my turn? he thought. When would he find Mrs Mrs. Right, if there was such a person? Or had he already found her and let her slip away? Or was the job going to turn out to be Mrs. Right, like it had for so many cops he knew?
He wondered how many chances you got.
He still loved the job, but it wasn"t quite the same anymore. It had been getting to him lately. The human misery he saw on a daily basis seemed to be deeper, more soul-wrenching; the sc.u.m he had to deal with seemed sc.u.mmier. Was the city changing for the worse, or was it him?
That little restaurant he and Kara had dreamed of opening was looking better and better. Even though Kara wouldn"t be with him, he still wanted to give it a try. He"d put in his twenty years, then use his pension as a back-up while he made the restaurant a going thing. He just had to hold out until- He felt a hand slide up the inside of his thigh. He looked at Connie. She was awake and staring at him with her curly brown eyes. Her long dark hair flowed over her cheek and throat.
"An option on your thoughts," she said.
"Nothing. A blank."
"Come on. Your face reminded me of the first time I made you try sushi."
"Okay. I was thinking about a murder that maybe wasn"t a murder and how I"m probably never going to know."
"Hey, it"s Sunday. You"re not suppose to be thinking about work. You"re supposed to be thinking about me."
As if to emphasize that point, she ran her hand further up his thigh and began caressing him. Rob felt a faint tingle of pleasure but little more. His usual quick response wasn"t there this morning.
"Not in the mood, huh?" Connie said after a couple of minutes.
"Not really."
"I hate it when you get so wrapped up in a case. You"re good for nothing else when that happens."
"And I suppose you were a barrel of laughs back in October of "87?"
She laughed and punched him on the arm.
He"d met Connie during a robbery investigation when he"d been a.s.signed to the Upper West Side. Her apartment-condo, rather-was next door to the scene; she"d heard noises and knew her neighbors were in Tortola for the week, so she called the police. Rob had questioned her and learned that she was an investment banker with Saloman Brothers. A few days later she had called him back to her apartment, saying she"d remembered a few more details. She"d greeted him at the door... nude. They"d been seeing each other ever since.
Neither of them had any illusions that this was going anywhere. There were no problems in bed. That was fine. Connie wasn"t easy to keep up with, but Rob managed. It was out of bed that they ran into problems. They moved in radically different circles. Rob had taken her once to Leo"s, the watering hole where most of the Midtown North cops did their post-shift relaxing. She"d loathed the place. And Rob felt far out of his depth with her yuppie friends.
"How about going out for brunch?" she said.
"Brunch? I don"t do brunch."
Connie hopped out of bed and went over to the mirror above the dresser. Rob had never met a woman so totally unselfconscious about nudity. Maybe that was because she had a great body and knew it. She pulled a brush out of her purse and began working on her hair.
"Sure you do. Every time you order breakfast when you"re supposed to be having lunch, you"re doing brunch."
"Oh. Okay. Let"s do brunch."
She turned to him, her eyes bright.
"I got a great idea! We"ll go to this place Pete McCarthy and I found up on Columbus Avenue.. It"s called Julio"s."
"Not another yuppie eatery!"
"No. This place is really decla.s.se-determinedly so. It"s a working man"s bar left over from pre-gentrification days. It"s grungy, the owner"s the bartender, and the service is surly at best."
"Doesn"t sound like your kind of place."
"It"s not, but then again it is. Actually, it"s a little like Leo"s, but the hamburgers are great. Pete and I are keeping it a secret. We"re only telling our closest friends, otherwise this place will be overrun."
"Just what I want to do on a Sunday-listen to your friends talk about money," he said, jabbing out his cigarette. "Almost as much fun as a teta.n.u.s shot."
"No, really." She began slipping into her bra and panties. "You"ll like it."
Rob shook his head. "Sounds like too much fun for me. I think I"ll pa.s.s."
It wasn"t that he was into the anti-yuppie vogue. Sure, they seemed like a pretty empty-headed bunch, but He wasn"t all too sure that if he had an income well into six figures that he wouldn"t be just like them. It was just that he never seemed to have anything to say to her friends. They all liked to hear him talk about police work, but that was the last thing he wanted to discuss during his off hours.
"No, you won"t," she said as she b.u.t.toned up her silk print blouse. "You can come back to my place while I spruce up, then we"ll head for Julio"s."
Rob didn"t move.
"Are you coming?"
"No, Connie," he said. "Really. It sounds like a drag."
Suddenly, she was angry. Her eyes flashed.
"No! You"re You"re the drag, Rob! You"ve been moping around for a couple of days now! What"s wrong with you?" the drag, Rob! You"ve been moping around for a couple of days now! What"s wrong with you?"
The last thing Rob wanted this morning was a fight.
"Nothing, Connie. Let"s drop it, okay?"
"Drop it?" she said. "I"ll drop it! But that"s not all I"m going to drop! You"re no fun anymore, Rob! And you weren"t so hot in bed last night either!" She turned and headed for the bedroom door. "See you in the movies, Rob!"
"Say h.e.l.lo to Peter McCarthy for me," he said to her retreating back.
A few seconds later, the walls of the apartment shook with the booming slam of the front door. Rob sighed.
"Women."
He lit another cigarette and stared out at the Sunday morning sky.
February 9 9:47 A.M.
"It smells in here, Mom," Jill said, her nose wrinkling at the rancid odor.
Kara coughed. "That it does, Jill. That it does."
Smells like something died in here.
Which wasn"t a very comforting thought, seeing as this was Kelly"s apartment. Kelly had given her the key years ago, telling Kara to feel free to come visit and stay any time she was in the city.
Kara left the door open. "Wait here," she said.
She left Jill standing in the hallway by their overnight bags while she made a quick round of the rooms. Empty. Good. No one here who shouldn"t be here. The odor was strongest in the kitchen. Kara opened the door under the sink and found the cause: rotten leftover Chinese take-out in the garbage sack. She tied the bag closed and brought it out to the hall. She"d throw it away later.
"All clear," she told Jill.
"What was it?"
"Week-old egg foo yung and fried rice, I think."
"Ugh!"
"You said it."
Kara helped Jill off with her coat and shrugged out of her own. She felt uneasy here, like some sort of grave-robber, or a vulture picking at the bones of the dead. But something had to be rotten here besides egg foo yung. Something had gone wrong in her sister"s life. Kara wanted to know what.
She stood in the center of the main room and did a slow turn, taking in everything around her.
So ordinary.
Kara found that very ordinariness rea.s.suring, but it didn"t answer the questions that had brought her here.
The furniture was a motley a.s.sortment of new and good quality used. There were a couple of original watercolors of flower-filled fields on the walls along with a few framed posters from the Metropolitan Museum"s Van Gogh in Aries show. A selection of photos of Jill and Mom and Kara herself stood on one of the end tables. The big thick The Art of Walt Disney The Art of Walt Disney sat right where it belonged-on the coffee table. Beside it was a stack of nursing journals. sat right where it belonged-on the coffee table. Beside it was a stack of nursing journals.
This was the Kelly she knew. Not a swinger, not even a terribly exciting person, but a rock solid, steady, reliable professional who loved nursing and loved the throb and rattle of New York. Sweet and attractive. Although they were identical twins, Kara had always thought of Kelly as the better looking one. She"d had her love affairs, and she"d told Kara all about them when they got together. Once or twice she thought she"d found Mr. Right, but one had turned out to be not-so-Right, and the other, Tom, the most recent, had been keeping a little secret from her: his wife and child on Long Island. was the Kelly she knew. Not a swinger, not even a terribly exciting person, but a rock solid, steady, reliable professional who loved nursing and loved the throb and rattle of New York. Sweet and attractive. Although they were identical twins, Kara had always thought of Kelly as the better looking one. She"d had her love affairs, and she"d told Kara all about them when they got together. Once or twice she thought she"d found Mr. Right, but one had turned out to be not-so-Right, and the other, Tom, the most recent, had been keeping a little secret from her: his wife and child on Long Island.
But Kelly seemed to bounce back from those traumas like she bounced back from everything. Kara had often wished she could be as flexible, as resilient as Kelly. Which was probably why Kelly had been able to stay on in New York and Kara hadn"t: Kelly could accept the city on its terms, Kara could only accept it on her own.
Which was why Kara lived in Pennsylvania and Kelly lived in New York.
And maybe why Kelly had died in New York.
So why am I in New York now? Kara asked herself.
To find a reason, some sort of hook that would help her understand what had happened. d.a.m.n it, she was going to find out why and how Kelly had changed or go half crazy trying. And she was going to tear this place apart in the process.
"When are we going to Aunt Ellen"s?" Jill asked.
"Soon, honey. I"ve just got to look around here for a while, okay?"
Kara found something on the tv for the child to watch, then she headed for the bedroom. She"d start there.
Nothing.
Kara had to admit her twin sister was boring. Not that that was bad. In this case, it was good. But puzzling.
How could a woman who liked New Amsterdam Beer, read Agatha Christie, Ed Gorman and John D. MacDonald, dressed in flannel nightgowns, and was voted Nurse of the Year at St. Vincent"s twice in the last five years come to be a legend in the Oak Bar? Her major vice seemed to be Creamette pasta.
Drugs? In the night stand drawer was a prescription bottle from a Dr. Gates labeled: "Halcion 0.25 mg. One tablet at bedtime as needed for sleep." Twenty or so blue ovals rested in the bottom of the amber plastic container. It looked as if Kelly had suffered from insomnia. That might be important, but probably not. The medicine cabinet in the bathroom yielded even less. Midol was the most potent pill there, followed by Tylenol.
As she looked over the collection of lotions and creams and powders and scents lined up in the cabinet, arrayed around the sink, and cl.u.s.tered atop the tank lid of the toilet, Kara shook her head in wonder and dismay.
Look at this!
From Giorgio there was Red Extraordinary Perfumed Body Moisturizer; from Lancome there was Progres, Savon Fraichette, Savon Creme Exfoliante, and Effacil; Sebastian contributed Hi Contrast Gel, Sheen, and Cello-Shampoo; but Chanel had hit the jackpot: Lotion No. 1, Creme No. 1, Fluide No. 1, Creme Exfoliante, Lift Serum Correction Complex, Lotion Vivifiante, Demaquillant Fluide, Huile Pour Le Bain, Poudre Apres Bain De Luxe, Creme Pour Le Corps No. 5, and of course, the indispensable Mask Lumiere. Something called Summer"s Eve Feminine Wash-"the intimate cleanser"-sat on the edge of the tub. The drawers were filled with different shades of eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, and make-up.
Kara never ceased to be amazed at the gullibility of her s.e.x. It seemed to know no bounds. Even the monstrously cynical and endlessly voracious cosmetics industry, despite decades of unrelenting effort, had yet to find its limits. This collection was proof.
She had long lived with a smoldering anger toward the cosmetics industry for its alluring hype and empty promises of eternal youth and beauty. She had even sold a few articles on the subject-all to feminist magazines, of course. Magazines with no cosmetics advertisers to lose. She had wondered as she was writing them why she bothered. She was, after all, preaching to the converted. But the articles weren"t totally useless: they kept her name in print, kept a little cash flowing through her checking account, and gave her credibility as a writer when she"d approached the book publishers. And her articles had been somewhat unique in that her venom hadn"t been directed solely at the cosmetics industry. She"d also taken the modern woman to task for allowing herself to be so continually duped.
She was chagrined to see the extent to which her twin had bought into the Big Lie. And bought bought was the word! This junk must have cost a small fortune! was the word! This junk must have cost a small fortune!
Kara guessed it was a barometer of how well skilled nurses were being paid these days.
So. There was evidence that Kelly had been moisturizing herself into Nirvana, but nowhere could Kara find a trace of illegal drugs or their paraphernalia-no joints, no unlabeled capsules, no powder-smeared mirrors, no c.o.ke spoons, no rolled-up bills, not even a razor blade.
She had ransacked the bedroom, pulled the living room furniture apart, gone through all the cereal boxes and flour canisters in the kitchen.
Nothing.
The closets were racked with Kelly"s nurse"s uniforms and an array of trendy outfits, some mildly s.e.xy, but nothing blatantly provocative.
She found a couple of well-used but unlabeled videotapes under the tv. She bit her lip, wondered what was on them. p.o.r.n? Maybe even Kelly doing... things?
Kara glanced at Jill. She was watching The Price is Right The Price is Right. "Jill?" she said. "Can I use the TV for a couple of minutes?"
"Sure. This is boring. Besides, it exploits women."
Kara had begun raising Jill"s consciousness at an early age. Occasionally she wondered if she"d started Jill too young, or perhaps done too good a job. Sometimes Jill was too too aware. aware.
"The Price is Right?" Kara said, glancing at the screen where an overweight matron was jumping up and down and clapping her hands. "Do you really think so?"
"It makes all these ladies look dumb. Isn"t that exploiting women?"
"Not really. Those ladies are making themselves look dumb. I think The Price Is Right The Price Is Right exploits materialism more than anything else." exploits materialism more than anything else."