"Or m-maybe...maybe she knows where I am, and she thinks I"m...better off?"
Better off. That was it. That was what was worse than the thought of being abandoned by my mother-the fact that somewhere, deep down, I was starting to wonder if I might not be That was it. That was what was worse than the thought of being abandoned by my mother-the fact that somewhere, deep down, I was starting to wonder if I might not be better off better off.
And in truth, I probably was was...in more than one sense.
Seb was kneeling now, directly in front of me, his black eyes shining from the light of the nearby streetlamps and the aura of the fog. His hair shone, too-it was starting to look more golden than ashen. The sun really was doing wonders for him.
I bit my lip and looked away. "I wasn"t really a good kid. Got in trouble...got bad grades...drank...did drugs..."
Jesus, why would would she want me back? she want me back?
"And, well...there"s something else, too."
The fog was so dense now I could barely see a few feet in front of me. I figured that was why Seb"s eyes wouldn"t stop shining. And if mine were shining, too...well, then that explained it.
Maybe it was the eerie weather, or maybe it was just because I was so d.a.m.n tired tired of thinking about all of this, but whatever the reason, I suddenly found myself wanting to get everything off my chest...so it could be swallowed up by the silence of the night, and by the silence that was Seb. of thinking about all of this, but whatever the reason, I suddenly found myself wanting to get everything off my chest...so it could be swallowed up by the silence of the night, and by the silence that was Seb.
"Seb...do...do you know what a gay person is?"
I nearly stopped breathing as soon as the words were out, but when he didn"t react I felt my heart rate slowly returning to normal.
"Do you think they"re...messed up? Like, maybe something went wrong when they were inside their mothers. You know, the way it went wrong with you?"
Not that it mattered. Whatever happened had happened, and I didn"t believe there was any real way to fix it.
Seb lowered his eyes.
"But your life"s not that bad, huh?" I patted his shoulder. "I mean, you have a home, you have people who take care of you...I never really see anyone messing with you...three meals a day, a nice bed to sleep in..."
I trailed off, my voice growing hoa.r.s.e. I might"ve been talking about Seb, but I was really thinking of myself.
"Maybe..." I whispered, "maybe I do belong here."
The tears were coming now, gathering up inside me and fighting what little self-control I had left for their chance to break free. And I was tempted to give in. What did it matter, if I revealed my weakness here? If I added a little more moisture to the night air?
But the battle stopped unexpectedly when Seb"s hand closed around mine.
I looked over sharply, and he stared back, silent as always.
"Seb?"
He said nothing.
The tears very nearly sprang back into action, because in that moment, the touch of his skin on mine just felt so good good. I knew he couldn"t really understand what was going on-he must"ve seen I was upset, and was trying to comfort me the only way he could think of. Still, it almost seemed like...acceptance, something I"d never experienced before in my life.
I sniffed in a bit of pre-tears snot. "Thanks, Seb." He scooted around so he was beside me again, and I rested my head on his shoulder. "You know, you"ve been a really good friend."
It struck me then that this whole time I"d been taking him and the comfort he provided me for granted. And even if it was only for my benefit, I now felt the need to correct that.
"I mean it. So if you ever need anything...I"ll be there for you, okay? I got your back."
My hand still in his, I stroked his fingers softly. A tiny, closed-lipped smile played briefly on his face in response, and all of a sudden, I had an almost uncontrollable urge to hug him.
But it would"ve been kind of pervy to just jump on him without warning, so I decided to ask first.
"Hey, Sebastian, did your mom ever hug you?"
It was the first time I"d ever used his full name, and I kind of liked the way it rolled off my tongue.
"Mine did, when I was little. And Mimi-my sister-she did for a while after that...but I guess at some point the hugs just stop. Probably "cause it"s not manly or something."
Seb"s brows rose.
"But I think...I think hugs could be nice. Just a way to connect with people, ya know? A way to show you"re a friend...a way to say thanks."
I squeezed his hand.
"Seb...would it be okay if I hugged you?"
No response.
I took a long, deep breath, then reached out to encircle him with my arms.
For several moments, it seemed as though life were moving in slow motion. Inch by inch, I tightened my grip until his chest settled against mine. My face pressed into the curve of his collarbone and the breath I let out was trapped there, forming a pocket of warm air. Lips parted, I drew it back in slowly, inhaling the rich, earthy fragrance of his skin. Did that scent come from all the time he"d spent beside me out here, digging in the dirt?
Well, whatever the reason, I thought he smelled f.u.c.king amazing.
I tried to get myself under control at that point. I really did. But even if Seb didn"t have the mind of a sixteen-year-old, he definitely had the body of one. And I"d never had the chance to be this close to a boy before...I guess I just hadn"t realized how strong hormonal instinct would be.
My hands began roaming the curves of his shoulder blades, then down his back. He was solid but lean, with compact muscles that moved gracefully under my touch.
And they were moving because as I caressed him, his hands were doing the same to me. Was he just copying me? G.o.d, it felt so good.
Closing my eyes, I shifted so that my cheek rested against his. My lips brushed the newly-bronzed skin just above his defined jaw line...and all I needed was a tiny bit more pressure for that casual touch to become a kiss.
But before I had the chance, Seb pushed me away-forcefully-and I crashed into the shed with a resounding thump. thump.
The magical spell broken, I finally had a chance to realize what I"d been doing.
Jesus Christ. Christ.
I was frightened, confused, sick to my stomach, and yet still fighting an erection. And all those emotions were multiplied times a thousand one second later, when Brandon"s face appeared in the fog.
"What the h.e.l.l are you two doing back here?"
I instinctively twisted my body to hide the bulge at my crotch, but beyond that, I had no ability to form a clear thought.
"Alex? What the f.u.c.k?" Brandon stared at me, waiting for my explanation, eyes narrowing from surprise into suspicion.
I still couldn"t speak. Never in my life had I felt so close to spontaneously bursting into tears. No witty retorts, no clever explanations came to me. I couldn"t think of a d.a.m.n thing to throw him off the scent.
Meanwhile, as I lay in a quivering pile of nerves, Seb stood. With what looked like deliberate showmanship, he extended his arm toward Brandon, hand closed in a fist. Then, one at a time, he uncurled his fingers to reveal a small, dirty cigarette b.u.t.t. He flicked it between his index and middle finger and mimed bringing it to his lips.
"Are you f.u.c.king kidding me, Alex?" Brandon exclaimed. "You"re teaching him how to smoke smoke?"
My brain spluttered back to life. "Uh...he...he doesn"t even like it, so you don"t have to worry."
"Teaching a special kid how to smoke. G.o.d, could you sink any lower?"
I scrambled onto all fours, then pulled myself up the side of the shed, still keeping my body turned away. "Please don"t tell Ms. Loretta...I"ll...I"ll mow the lawn for you tomorrow!"
"Whatever." Brandon rolled his eyes. "Get your a.s.ses inside. Ms. Loretta and Ms. Cecily had to go visit a sick friend, and they left me in charge."
"Yeah. Okay."
With one last disappointed shake of his head, Brandon turned and left.
For several seconds, I stood completely motionless, fingers clutching the shed for support. What the f.u.c.k f.u.c.k had I been thinking? Everything... had I been thinking? Everything...everything I"d been doing back there with Seb was wrong, on so many levels. I"d been doing back there with Seb was wrong, on so many levels.
Why had I developed such a need to talk with a r.e.t.a.r.ded mute in the first place? Not that talk with talk with were the right words. And how could I possibly have gotten so carried away as to even were the right words. And how could I possibly have gotten so carried away as to even dream dream of... of...
Seb grabbed my hand and tugged me.
Hesitantly, I met his eyes, afraid of what I might find...but all I saw was his same calm, expressionless stare.
At least he didn"t seem angry with me. Maybe he"d pushed me off because he"d been frightened by the sound of footsteps...footsteps I hadn"t heard at all. In any case, it"d been a lucky break for me.
"Hey," I whispered. "Thanks for that. Brandon wouldn"t have understood...about the hug thing."
Seb blinked twice, then started walking for the back door.
I let my hand fall out of his and remained still a moment longer, using the time to catch my mental breath and regroup. That had been a close call. Way too f.u.c.king close. If it hadn"t been for Seb"s quick-thinking response, I would"ve been totally screwed.
I took two steps toward the house, and then froze again.
Wait...quick thinking thinking?
Chapter 11: Up in Smoke.
"Wake up!" A pillow hit me square in the face. "You"ve got some mowing to do."
I peeled my eyes open slowly to see Brandon"s smug grin.
"And really, I think you might also need to mow for me next time, too."
"Whatever," I grunted. Wearily, I pieced together the fact that my colossal screw-up of the night before had not been a dream. d.a.m.n. "When am I not not mowing the lawn." mowing the lawn."
"Dunno." Brandon jumped onto my bed, jabbing his knee into my stomach and pushing out my breath. "But we"re so so glad you joined us! Dwayne and me may never have to mow again." glad you joined us! Dwayne and me may never have to mow again."
He stuck his hand in my hair and tossed it around, ending with a noogie.
"Get the f.u.c.k off me!" I gasped.
"Make me." He pinned my shoulders to the bed, and for just a split split second, I looked up at him with what had to be a dopey smile. second, I looked up at him with what had to be a dopey smile.
Then I started struggling appropriately, swinging a leg out to knock him off balance and eventually toppling him to the floor. A part of me wanted to continue the play-wrestling for as long as possible, but if there was anything I"d learned from what"d happened, it was that I clearly couldn"t be trusted.
Brandon left the room whistling, and I immediately rolled around to face Seb"s bed.
He wasn"t there.
f.u.c.k. I needed to see him. There were...things I needed to figure out.
Then again, maybe what I really needed was to avoid him until I had this whole urge-to-feel-up-a-special-kid thing under control.
I got up and threw on some already-dirty jeans and a white muscle shirt, then headed down to the shed to get the mower. Still no sign of Seb.
Before I could rev up the engine, Ryan came toward me holding a tray in his hands. He was walking with exaggeratedly slow steps, his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he tried not to spill a drop of the very large gla.s.s of lemonade that balanced there.
"What"s that for?" I asked, giving myself a silent reminder to watch my language. I was in enough trouble as it was.
"It"s to drink," Ryan responded with an air of superiority, like he"d managed to figure out something I hadn"t. "It"s lemonade."
"I can see that." I rolled my eyes and took it from him, smirking when he let out a sigh of relief.
"It"s from Ms. Loretta," he added. "She said she don"t want to know why you always mowing the lawn so much, but she hopes it"s out of the goodness of your heart."
f.u.c.k.
"That it?"
"Yeah, she also said she hopes you not quite so good in the future."
I ground my teeth. It probably wasn"t a good idea to push my luck with this particular payment for favors. At least not now that it was tainted by something I desperately desperately had to keep secret. Ms. Loretta cared a whole lot about bad influences-especially on the little boys-and I figured in her mind, Seb probably counted as one of those. had to keep secret. Ms. Loretta cared a whole lot about bad influences-especially on the little boys-and I figured in her mind, Seb probably counted as one of those.
Oh well. At least Brandon hadn"t told.
"Tell her...thanks," I mumbled, bringing the gla.s.s to my lips. It was pretty sweet, but I liked it like that.
Ryan skipped away, and I turned back to the mower. G.o.d, I hoped the sound of that clattering engine would be able to drown out my thoughts. I really needed a vacation from myself.
As I began cutting the gra.s.s, my eyes wandered over to the steps of the back porch. The last time I"d been mowing, Seb had sat out there and watched. It"d been his new spot to spend the afternoons, after I"d dragged him out to see that basketball game. Second step down, all the way to the left, every day for the last couple of weeks. Seb was a creature of habit.