Now that I thought of it, I supposed social workers didn"t make that much money. Seemed like a pretty thankless job, all in all.
I waited in the car, and Suzie was back down in a minute, grinning and tossing a briefcase in her backseat. "Might as well get some paperwork done while I"m there...kill two birds with one stone."
I wasn"t sure why she was talking about killing birds, but her att.i.tude seemed to have shifted away from the initial reluctance to take me. Now she was smiling brightly, practically bubbling with positive energy.
"Ready for our road trip, Alex?"
d.a.m.n. Looked like I was going to have to pay for my transportation in chitchat.
"Do you think you"d also like to visit with Dwayne and Brandon sometime?"
"Uh, sure," I mumbled. I doubted she"d turn around and take me back, so I didn"t plan on being the greatest person to talk to.
She nodded happily. "And is everything okay at Eleanor and Greg"s? I realize they don"t have a lot of experience fostering, but everyone has to start somewhere."
At least there I had something to say. "They wanted a little kid. Why didn"t you just give them Andrew or Ryan?"
Slight jowls formed on the sides of her face as she frowned. "We always try to do the best for everyone involved, Alex, but there aren"t always perfect solutions. I wanted to keep the boys together, and Eleanor and Greg were only interested in housing one foster child at the moment."
I folded my arms against my chest. "You didn"t even ask me if I wanted to stay with anyone. Bet you didn"t ask Seb, either."
Her frown deepened. "Like I said, there aren"t always perfect solutions."
"There aren"t no no perfect solutions when you"re taking someone away from their family," I shot back. "I dunno why the h.e.l.l you"d even try to do this job." perfect solutions when you"re taking someone away from their family," I shot back. "I dunno why the h.e.l.l you"d even try to do this job."
Her nostrils flared, but she didn"t offer an explanation.
After that, her chipper att.i.tude didn"t reappear, and I was grateful. She let me put on the radio, and I used it to drown out my thoughts about what I was going to say or do when I actually got to see Seb. The only thing I wanted to focus on was looking into his eyes again, and maybe even getting a smile out of him. I was positive things would work out from there.
"We"re just about here," Suzie remarked as the music gave way to an annoying car commercial.
"Really?" I sat up and looked around, finding nothing but gra.s.s-covered hillsides. That alone was pretty remarkable, since it was about the most nature-covered place I"d ever been.
"Mhm." She turned up a windy gravel road and parked in front of a small white building. Similar house-like structures dotted the hills directly beside and behind it, in addition to a full-sized basketball court and a soccer field. I could even make out a pool in the distance.
"This is it? This is the is it? This is the facility facility?"
She laughed. "What were you expecting, a sanitarium?"
"No, I thought it"d be like a hospital or an insane asylum."
She just laughed again. "I wouldn"t do that to Sebastian."
We left the car and entered the building directly in front of us, which turned out to be some sort of office. A short black woman met us at the front desk and extended a notebook toward Suzie. She scribbled down our names while the woman peeled the backs off some bright yellow visitors stickers and handed them over.
"Just bringing Alex to visit a friend," Suzie told the woman, who smiled and waved us past.
We exited the back of the office, and Suzie paused for a moment, bringing her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun. "Now, let"s see, if he"s in his room, I think it"s that building off to the left..."
I led the charge, somehow positive he would in fact be in his room. It wasn"t really a giant leap of faith.
"Seb!" I burst into the little cabin. "Hey, it"s me, Alex!"
The creak of bedsprings came from the end of the small hallway. I dashed into the room there and immediately spotted the lump under the blankets of the bottom bunk.
"Seb!" Unable to contain myself, I pulled back the covers rather than waiting for him to emerge. "Hey, man, I"m here."
His eyes met mine, and for an instant, his pupils widened into pools of pure black surprise. But just as quickly, the curtain of blankness snapped over them once again.
Suzie had entered the room.
"Still sleeping during the day, Seb? You know the other kids have been hoping you"d join them outside for soccer on Sat.u.r.days."
He didn"t look at her, but he sat up slowly.
"Well, Alex wanted to check up on you. I"m sure the next time he comes he"d like to see you getting out more and enjoying everything this place has to offer."
The blanket fell from his chest, and I stood back a few inches, mostly to resist the overpowering urge to gather him in a hug. From that viewpoint, I could see the color in his skin had started to fade, leaving him pale again. He also seemed thinner, his collarbones jutting out and his eyes even more immense than usual in his drawn face.
"s.h.i.t," I murmured, resting my hand against his arm. "I don"t think he"s been eating right. Doesn"t he look really skinny?"
Suzie nodded. "I"ve heard he"s been having some difficulties adjusting...like you were at Eleanor"s. Maybe you could encourage him to start eating a bit more?"
Guilt swirled in the acid of my own empty stomach. How could I have let Seb down like this? He looked terrible, he obviously wasn"t fitting in here, and the whole time he"d been suffering I"d thought of no one but myself.
Forgetting Suzie was in the room, I put my other arm on his shoulder. "Hey, you okay?" I asked softly. He tilted his head down and some hair fell over his eyes. "And you need a haircut, huh."
A squeak startled me, and I drew back. It was Suzie"s shoes on the tile floor. "You know what, I think I saw someone else I need to visit with." She patted her briefcase. "I"ll be back shortly."
Thank G.o.d.
As soon as she was gone, I ran back to Seb and bent over to wrap him in my arms. "s.h.i.t, Seb. I missed you. I"m so sorry about this. I"m so sorry."
For three terrifying seconds, he remained stiff in my embrace. But then his arms slowly tightened around me and I practically collapsed into him, resting my head in the crook of his neck. He smelled different-sort of chemically, and not at all like the earthy scent he"d had before. But his skin felt the same against mine, soft and warm, and I turned to press my cheek into his for as long as I dared.
"I"m so sorry, man. They took me to some other house and I didn"t know they"d let me come see you...but I shoulda tried harder. I"m so sorry."
I finally pulled back enough to look in his eyes. There was definitely something something there, but not really anything I could read-especially when he immediately ducked away from my gaze. there, but not really anything I could read-especially when he immediately ducked away from my gaze.
"Look, I"m going to figure this out, okay? I"ll have Suzie find us a place where we can stay together, or if that doesn"t work, maybe...maybe I can come stay here."
I pushed some of the hair from his face.
"Okay, Seb? I promise. I"m gonna work this all out."
He glanced back up, and f.u.c.k if his eyes weren"t full of doubt. In all those moments I"d longed to find emotion in their depths, this wasn"t one I"d wanted to see.
"I"ll be back for you. I promise." I swept his hair to the side one more time, and then, before I could really think about what I was doing, I pressed a kiss into his forehead.
My whole body hummed in response, filling up with energy like it was ready to explode with the declaration: Yes, yes, yes! I want more of that! Yes, yes, yes! I want more of that! I wanted to take him into my arms and kiss every inch of his smooth, pale skin, to pull off his shirt and slide my chest against his, to feel his heartbeat echoing mine... I wanted to take him into my arms and kiss every inch of his smooth, pale skin, to pull off his shirt and slide my chest against his, to feel his heartbeat echoing mine...
My trembling hands trailed down his body and eventually grasped his cold fingers. I gave him the most encouraging smile I could manage while I worked on controlling the rest of my emotions. "I promise."
His hands fell out of mine and I finally stepped away. Only a few seconds later, Suzie reappeared.
She cleared her throat before speaking. "Alex, maybe you and Sebastian would like to go for a little walk around the grounds? I brought that paperwork to do, so I don"t mind waiting."
Seb dove back into his bed and immediately yanked the covers over himself. I tried not to be discouraged by that, and instead took it to mean the faster we got back to Suzie"s office, the faster I could get her to set things right.
"No. Let"s go. Now."
Suzie shuffled the papers around on her desk when we returned, making the piles neater without actually putting anything away.
"So, Alex, have a seat," she said with a lighthearted flip of her hand. "Let"s talk about school."
Her att.i.tude seemed a bit off for someone who"d just been forced to drive nearly two hours round-trip for a five minute visit, but in any case, I was ready to take advantage of it.
"I want a placement where Seb can stay, too."
Suzie pursed her lips. "I don"t have any openings like that at the moment."
"He didn"t start the fire."
"No one is being charged-"
"I don"t think he"s really r.e.t.a.r.ded."
"I never said he was, and I would never use that word. Seb has...special needs."
I inhaled deeply, counting to ten before I released. "Fine. Then I"ll go stay at that camp...facility...whatever it is."
"I"m afraid it doesn"t work like that. But we can make a schedule of monthly visits, if you like."
My restraint failed me. Really, it"d been remarkable I"d kept it for so much of the day. But now that I"d seen Seb again...seen how much he needed me...I had no time for this bulls.h.i.t.
"No f.u.c.king way! Listen to me, lady. I"m not gonna stay nowhere without Seb, so if you even give a s.h.i.t about us you"ll go into your little files or computer system or whatever and figure something out!"
"Alex, please calm d-"
I picked up the stapler on her desk and hurled it into a nearby filing cabinet. The metal-on-metal clank echoed in the building and several people rushed over to see what the commotion was, including a security guard. I geared up for a fight.
"It"s all right, it"s all right," Suzie told everyone. "We"re fine."
"You sure?" The guard asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
"It was an accident. Yes, we"re okay. Thank you, though."
The crowd scattered and I sank shamefully into my seat.
"Alex, I want to be able to help you, but I just don"t have any other options for Seb right now."
"I don"t believe you," I muttered through clenched teeth. I wanted to cry, but I channeled the feeling into bitterness instead. "You f.u.c.king show up at my school and take my whole life away from me...then you give me a new one, and now you"re gonna f.u.c.k that one up, too?"
Suzie didn"t respond right away. She looked at me sadly, tapping one finger against the arm of her chair.
Finally she said, "I didn"t realize how close you and Seb had gotten."
My turn for silence.
"Not that it"s out of the ordinary. Many children who are placed together in foster care develop sibling bonds with each other."
My eyes narrowed. Where was she going with this?
"Is that how you"d say you feel toward Seb? Like a brother?"
Oh Jesus Christ. My heartbeat went into a wild mariachi rhythm, pounding into my throat and my ears. Was she My heartbeat went into a wild mariachi rhythm, pounding into my throat and my ears. Was she on on to me? to me?
"Alex?"
Lie, I ordered myself. And that shouldn"t have been very difficult. After all, I"d spent a good portion of my life lying. I"d lied to teachers, lied to friends, lied to Hector, lied to my mom...h.e.l.l, I"d even lied to myself. I ordered myself. And that shouldn"t have been very difficult. After all, I"d spent a good portion of my life lying. I"d lied to teachers, lied to friends, lied to Hector, lied to my mom...h.e.l.l, I"d even lied to myself.
G.o.d, I was so f.u.c.king sick of it.
I opened my mouth with one more strict internal command for the simple response of yes yes, but instead found myself saying, "It...it was Hector."
"I"m sorry?" Suzie leaned forward.
"Hector. You were right. He did it. He burned my wrist."
Holy s.h.i.t. Where was this coming from? Was I actually telling the truth truth?
"Oh, Alex," Suzie murmured.
"It was my fault. I stole his w-...I stole his stuff, "cause I needed to sell it to buy some shoes. And he found out and lit them on fire and then burned me with his lighter."
"Alex, that is not your fau-"
"He"s done other s.h.i.t, too. In the fifth grade he broke my arm. I was trying to stand up for my sister when he was throwing her out of the house...s.h.i.tload of good that did."
"You were just a little boy then, you couldn"t have-"
Obviously, a mental dam in my brain had crumbled, as words continued to gush out. "My second year of fifth, he snapped my collarbone, but I pretended like it happened at the park by falling off the jungle gym."
Suzie came around her desk and perched in front of it, bending over so she could take my hand.
"The rest is mostly bruises, I guess. Those were easy to hide "cause I always got into fights. He tried to stab me with a knife once, but he was so drunk he only scratched me."