A weak half-smile touched the corner of my mouth, before a sudden swell of exhaustion wiped it away. We hadn"t slept much in the last week. I"d been able to hold back the crash with coffee and pure love-adrenaline, but now that all that had been drained, my body was nearing a complete shut-down.
Suzie made a phone call in another room while I climbed over the back of the couch and sat beside Seb. She joined us after a minute, lowering herself into a recliner and leaning toward me like she was waiting to hear more.
I carefully moved Seb"s head onto my thigh and wove my fingers into the golden strands. "So...what"s going to happen now? Will I have to go to Juvee or something?"
Suzie smiled gently. "I think we can avoid that. I"m not saying there won"t be consequences, but you did make the right decision coming back, and I"m sure that will be taken into consideration."
I nodded and tucked a lock of Seb"s hair behind his ear. "Suzie...I know I don"t have any right to ask this...but...if there"s any way we could be near each other when we get placed...or just be able to see each other..."
"I"ll work on that, Alex. I really will."
For some reason, I believed her.
"And are Mimi and Star okay?"
"They have a caseworker a.s.signed to them. I hope that will give them the support they need."
I rested my eyes, continuing to shuffle through Seb"s hair. The repet.i.tive motion must"ve soothed me-I wouldn"t have thought I could discuss my betrayal so easily.
"Mimi must hate me."
Suzie sighed. "One day, she may thank you. Or her daughter might. What you did shows how much you really care about them."
Showed that to Suzie and those like her, maybe. But it would look different from Mimi"s perspective. "Is that why you do this job? So that one day, people might thank you?"
Suzie chuckled sadly. "I don"t know. I don"t think so."
"So then why why?"
She ran her hands over her pink sweatpants. "I do it because...someone has to."
Someone had to. Someone had to be there to look after Seb and all the other Sebs in the world. Or else they"d wind up right where we"d been...out on the streets, willing to do dangerous things to get by. Some of them still would, even with Suzie"s help.
But Seb and I wouldn"t be among them.
"You care very much for Sebastian, I can tell," Suzie remarked, watching my hands caress his scalp.
"I love him." I traced his cheekbone, fingers barely grazing the skin so I wouldn"t disturb him. Then I looked Suzie straight in the eye and added, "Not like a brother."
She nodded, a few rapid blinks the only thing giving away her concern.
"He"s not special like that, I swear. Do you believe me?"
"I believe you probably know him better than I do."
That sounded like a no. It didn"t really bother me, though. Seb was gone and there was no point in tearing my hair out trying to show her something that didn"t exist anymore. Just a few hours without him, and I missed him so much it felt as though I"d been hollowed out, like a lonely old abandoned building, too trashed for even junkies to live in.
Would he ever come back? Was there anything I could say or do to get him to forgive me? I"m sorry I"m sorry clearly wasn"t good enough anymore. Was he even gone by choice? Or was it whatever trauma he"d lived through as a kid that had stolen him away again? clearly wasn"t good enough anymore. Was he even gone by choice? Or was it whatever trauma he"d lived through as a kid that had stolen him away again?
"Suzie..." I dropped my hand on his shoulder because it was starting to shake. "Was Seb...abused? Like...physically or...or, um, s.e.xually?"
Suzie closed her eyes for a moment and then shook her head. "I can"t discuss Seb"s case with you. I"m sorry."
I nodded. "Yeah. It"s okay. I think I already know, anyway. I was just wondering about what made him decide to hide all this time. Maybe it was "cause of that...or maybe it has to do with him losing his mom when he was so young."
"His mother?" Suzie edged forward in the recliner, her brow furrowing.
"Yeah. You know. Her dying must"ve been really awful. I could tell he loved her a lot."
"Alex, what do you know about Sebastian"s mother?"
I dragged my attention away from Seb to focus on Suzie. Her eyes were narrowed...almost suspiciously.
Had I said something wrong?
"Um, not much. Just what he told me. That she died when he was little...and that she didn"t abandon him."
"How did Seb tell you this?" did Seb tell you this?"
Oh, f.u.c.k. Right. And just what was I supposed to say-he drew a picture and I decided I was psychic?
"Uh..."
"Alex"-Suzie reached over to touch my knee-"this is important. Please."
"Why?"
She bit her lip. Whatever it was, she didn"t want to tell me. "When Seb was found," she began hesitantly, "the person he was with...was not a blood relative."
When he was found. found. A horrible image of him chained up in a dank cellar sprang into my mind, and I gritted my teeth to fight back the nausea. A horrible image of him chained up in a dank cellar sprang into my mind, and I gritted my teeth to fight back the nausea.
"And because he couldn"t speak, we weren"t able to find out anything about his family. We don"t even know his real last name. If his mother pa.s.sed away, that could explain why no one ever reported him missing...and he could have other relatives out there who don"t know what happened to him."
My pulse fluttered. Seb might have family. family. Family who wanted him. Family who wanted him.
"So it"s very important that you"re honest with me, Alex. How did Seb tell you about his mother?"
I let her words sink in to my hollowed-self while I considered how best to be honest. honest. Because the truth was, he hadn"t said a d.a.m.n thing. But did I actually believe in what Seb and I had shared...enough to report it to Suzie? Because the truth was, he hadn"t said a d.a.m.n thing. But did I actually believe in what Seb and I had shared...enough to report it to Suzie?
Thinking back to every moment we"d spent together...everything I"d read from the twists of his beautiful lips and the gleam in his eyes had felt so real. real. There"d been no room for doubt then, when we"d been so close I knew the exact rhythm of his heartbeat and pace of his soft breaths. There"d been no room for doubt then, when we"d been so close I knew the exact rhythm of his heartbeat and pace of his soft breaths.
And even though that was gone now, the memories still refilled some of my emptiness, with a sad sort of love.
Yes, I believed it.
I turned back to Suzie. "He...wrote it."
Her eyes shot wide. "Sebastian can write?"
"Sure." I shrugged. "I mean, only a little. And not "cause he"s slow...just "cause he didn"t really pay attention in school. But he knows his letters."
"Alex, Sebastian has never..." She stopped herself, though I could tell she still didn"t believe me. "Well, do you think you could get him to write some for me? Anything he could share...anything he remembers might be helpful."
"I...I don"t know. He"s really upset about everything that happened. About me letting him down like this-"
"You didn"t let him down."
"But I-"
"You didn"t let him down, Alex." Suzie"s tone wasn"t so gentle now. It was firm, and full of authority. "You didn"t let anyone down. You brought him back to a place where he can be safe, and you did that because you love him."
And one day he might thank me for it? It was hard to see that future, right now.
I sighed. "Fine. I"ll give it a go, but it"s not gonna work." Nudging his shoulder gently, I tried to wake him. "Seb? Seb, can you get up?"
"Oh, no." Suzie reached out to stop me. "I didn"t mean right this second. He must be so exhausted."
I lifted my hand, but while it hovered mid-air, a thought struck me. Or maybe it was a prayer.
I waved Suzie off. "He"s awake."
If there was anything I knew about Seb, it was this. And if I was right, then as slim as it was, there was another chance to hope.
"I don"t think-" Her protest died on her lips, because he sat straight up and looked at me.
It was still an old Seb old Seb look...but it wasn"t the lost one. It was the one he"d used to stare right into me, like he could see me better than anyone ever had. The one he"d used before I even knew I loved him. The one that had somehow captured my heart and look...but it wasn"t the lost one. It was the one he"d used to stare right into me, like he could see me better than anyone ever had. The one he"d used before I even knew I loved him. The one that had somehow captured my heart and made made me love him. me love him.
Dark almond eyes with unwavering focus, gazing straight into my soul.
"Seb?" I breathed, laying a single, trembling finger on his upturned wrist. Please, tell me you heard what we were saying. How I did this because I love you. Tell me you understand. Please, tell me you heard what we were saying. How I did this because I love you. Tell me you understand.
I didn"t say anything else. There were no more words. I just stared back, willing him to feel feel all that he meant to me. All that he"d done to change me...for the better. How I"d never forgive myself for what had happened, but how I"d do anything I could just to make his life a better one. Even if it meant turning us in like this...even if it meant losing him. all that he meant to me. All that he"d done to change me...for the better. How I"d never forgive myself for what had happened, but how I"d do anything I could just to make his life a better one. Even if it meant turning us in like this...even if it meant losing him.
He brought a hand to my face and brushed away a tear I didn"t even know had fallen. I held my breath, too afraid to move or even blink.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Suzie"s lips parting and forming a small, surprised o o. Was she beginning to believe?
He let his slender fingers rest on my cheek for a moment before lowering his head.
And when he lifted it up again, his mask shattered.
Suzie gasped.
His eyes sparked to life first, brows scrunching and lids half-lowering as his face twisted in pain. I"m sorry, Alex. I"m sorry. I"m sorry, Alex. I"m sorry.
The explosion of joy in my chest couldn"t be contained. I let out a yell so loud that Suzie jerked back and b.u.mped her head on her chair. "Seb! G.o.d, Seb. I...I thought I lost you!" A new wave of tears flooded my already-sore eyes.
He was shaking all over, like he was just now letting the fear and the pain travel through his body.
"I was so scared, Seb-"
He gripped my shoulders and nodded, a fat tear rolling down his cheek. Me too, Alex. I was scared, too. Me too, Alex. I was scared, too.
Scared and lost in his old-Seb world...but somehow he"d found the courage to come back to me. Did I deserve a miracle like that?
With a strength that still surprised me for his slender frame, he pulled me into his arms.
"I"m so sorry, G.o.d I"m so sor-"
He put a finger to my lips. Shh. Shh. With his other hand, he rubbed my chest, then his. With his other hand, he rubbed my chest, then his.
I let out a whoop of laughter, my eyes crinkling and forcing out a few more streaks of tears. He backed up to grin at me, and with the s.p.a.ce between us, I suddenly remembered Suzie was in the room.
Her mouth was unhinged. "Oh, Sebastian," she murmured. "All this time..."
He peeked over at her. For a moment he seemed to be debating whether to play dumb again, but then he just gave an apologetic shrug. Yeah. Well, here I am. Yeah. Well, here I am.
I wanted to scream "I told you so!" and jump up and down and point with those game-show-host arms used to unveil a grand prize...but then I remembered this moment wasn"t supposed to be about me.
"Listen, Seb." I cleaned my face with my shirtsleeve. G.o.d, I hoped I"d cried enough today that I never had to do it again. "You heard Suzie needs to know some stuff about your mom."
His eyes darkened and he frowned. What could I possibly say that would be important? What could I possibly say that would be important?
"I dunno. Anything you remember, I guess. Anything that could help them find some relatives. There might be people out there who want you, like an aunt or an uncle or something."
He shook his head, fl.u.s.tered. How? How?
"Just...write a few words or something."
Now he glared.
"Why don"t you start with a picture, like you did the other night...and then see what comes to you."
He sighed, but eventually stretched out his hand to Suzie.
"What?" She looked at me. "What does he want?"
"He needs something to write with. Hold on, we"ve got stuff in the backpack."
I grabbed the notebook and pen and placed them in Seb"s hands, letting him flip to a fresh page so Suzie could get a quick glimpse of all the other things he"d drawn.
On a clean canvas, he began to sketch, the lines shaky and unsure. It wasn"t as good as he"d done before, but the angular cheekbones were still there, along with the almond eyes and the long, dark hair.
"That"s her," I told Suzie. "That"s his mom."
Suzie"s eyes never left Seb"s hand. "And what happened to her, Sebastian? Can you write that for me?"
He looked back at me hesitantly.