She smiled like he"d just popped a bottle of champagne after dropping rose petals at her feet. "No? Maybe back to the dining hall then? They do have a wider food selection."
He shook his head again.
Now her brows wrinkled in concern. "You"re still not hungry? You barely even touched your dinner yesterday."
Seb started to shake his head yet again, but this time in a that"s not what I meant that"s not what I meant kind of way. He picked up the whiteboard and worked diligently for a few seconds, holding it against his chest so not even I could see. kind of way. He picked up the whiteboard and worked diligently for a few seconds, holding it against his chest so not even I could see.
When he flipped it around, there was a picture of a big fat hamburger on it, complete with cheese and lettuce hanging out the sides and poppy seeds on the bun. And underneath that, spelled to perfection, he"d written: McDonald"s.
I almost let out a victorious cry, all charged up to celebrate Seb"s accomplishment. But then I remembered I didn"t want something like this to be an accomplishment. accomplishment. I wanted it to be a part of our everyday lives. I wanted it to be a part of our everyday lives.
So I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and looked up at Pam. "Yup. What he said."
"I"m out for a bit, man. You go ahead." I tapped a chubby black-haired kid who was waiting on the sidelines. He might"ve been one of Seb"s housemates, but I"d been too wrapped up in Seb to learn everyone"s names these past few weeks.
The boy trotted off eagerly, joining the basketball game that was already underway. I wasn"t really tired, but basketball still wasn"t my sport. Besides, I"d thought of a better way to pa.s.s the warm spring afternoon.
Settling myself on a gra.s.sy hillside, I wrapped my arms around my knees and squinted into the sunlight. Any damage to my eyes was worth the view. Seb had taken his shirt off and thrown it carelessly on the court bench before jumping back into the game. Sweat trails danced further down his chest with each bounce of the ball, outlining his pecs and firm stomach. He faked left and then shot out to the right, springing to his toes to make the basket.
Of course, he"d needed only a basic introduction to the rules of basketball before he proved to be a natural. Far better than I was, anyway.
He grinned at me, all flushed and glossy with sweat, and I made sure to nod approvingly. It was hard to be jealous of his athletic abilities when I got to reap the benefits of that body.
Although, I could do with a little more reaping.
I was going to have to work on that-figuring out some time for us to be alone. Maybe they"d let us go on a picnic? We could find a spot of land, away from all these pesky prying eyes. Some place where I could hold him against my chest again, run my hands over his skin. Remind him of how much I loved him. Kiss him, maybe even...
Something large and gray suddenly blocked my view of Seb-Suzie, back in one of her old boring suits.
She just loved to p.i.s.s on my parades.
"h.e.l.lo, Alex. I was hoping I"d find you out here."
I shifted, hiding the signs of my growing appreciation for Seb on the basketball court-and Seb in my fantasies. "Hey. I hope you"re not here to tell me I gotta move to a new placement or something."
"No, I"m not." She gave me an amused smile. "So you can relax."
"s.h.i.t." I puffed out a breath. "That"s good. h.e.l.l, I wish I"d known all it took to get to stay here with Seb was running away. Pretty ironic, right? Wouldn"t it have been easier just to skip that middle step and put me over here in the first place?"
Suzie shook her head and barely managed to stop her eyes from a roll. "Hill View is intended as a home for special needs and emotionally-challenged children. I can make recommendations, but I don"t get to place people here at my will."
"Oh. Right. I guess I qualify as one of those troubled kids now."
She surprised me by dropping down to the ground, tucking her legs under her and smoothing her knee-length skirt so it covered as much as possible. "Somehow, I think you"re less troubled than you used to be."
I grunted. "Then maybe you can tell me why you decided to blab me and Seb"s personal business all over this place?"
"I did not blab blab, Alex. I told the people who would need to know about your relationship while you are under Hill View"s care."
"But Pam and the rest of her goons...they never let us be alone. My place is like a mile away from his. And he still has to go to those special cla.s.ses even though he"s not special special like that, so we can"t even have school together..." like that, so we can"t even have school together..."
"Alex, you know Sebastian has a lot of catching up to do, education-wise. And he will need counseling and therapy, probably for many years."
"I know," I grumbled, coloring slightly at my bratty behavior. "It"s just that-"
"And you remember the other thing I told you. The two of you are still young. You shouldn"t force all the growing up to happen so fast-including those things that should be part of an adult relationship."
"Right. Because childhood has been such a blast, I"d just love to draw that out a little longer."
Suzie actually grinned. Seemed like my smarta.s.s comments weren"t getting to her anymore. I guess she"d figured out they were just a part of my front.
She shielded her eyes to gaze out at the basketball court and neatly changed the subject. "Sebastian really seems to be enjoying himself. Did you teach him how to play?"
"Oh, uh, sorta. I bet he could teach me a thing or two now, though."
"He"s a fast learner," she responded, and then burst into a sudden light-hearted chuckle. "I"m sorry." She sobered quickly. "It"s just I never thought I"d get the chance to say that about Sebastian. All the therapists and psychologists and doctors who have seen him over the years...and you"re the one who found him. You obviously have something special."
"Yeah. Special." I smirked, admiring the way his shoulder blades flexed as he blocked an opponent from getting close to the basket. "Then maybe we"re both special."
Still caught up in Seb, I only half-saw Suzie fidgeting with her skirt hem and licking her lips. But I was starting to get the feeling she had something on her mind-some other reason for driving all the way out to Pasadena besides a casual check-up. Something that made her white cheeks a little rosy and her thin lips quirk in a smile. Good news, then.
News she just couldn"t keep to herself.
"I"ve found them, Alex."
Chapter 28: You.
The peaceful, sunny feeling in my heart abruptly vanished. I should"ve known my happiness was just like a handful of sand.
Confusion and fear moved in to fill the void. I"ve found them. I"ve found them. I"d longed to hear those words once, but now... I"d longed to hear those words once, but now...
"M-my mom? You found Hector and my mom?"
Suzie"s smile dissolved. Her eyes went wide and her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my G.o.d, Alex. I can"t believe I said that. I"m so sorry. No, I haven"t found them. I meant Sebastian"s family. A grandmother and a cousin."
"Oh." Idiot. Idiot. Of course. I blinked a few times, trying to fix the short-circuit in my brain as a hurricane of new emotions. .h.i.t me. It was hard to pin anything down in the spinning chaos...but it would"ve been a lie to pretend relief wasn"t a part of the picture. Of course. I blinked a few times, trying to fix the short-circuit in my brain as a hurricane of new emotions. .h.i.t me. It was hard to pin anything down in the spinning chaos...but it would"ve been a lie to pretend relief wasn"t a part of the picture.
And what did it say about me that I was actually relieved relieved I wouldn"t have to see my mother again? I wouldn"t have to see my mother again?
"I"m so sorry." Suzie was grief-stricken, pale and practically shaking.
I blocked her out for a moment, more concerned with myself. Not because I was upset about the mix-up...but because I wasn"t wasn"t. And I didn"t even feel guilty about it. "It"s okay," I mumbled.
"No, Alex. That was so thoughtless of me and I-"
"Seriously. I think it might be okay," I repeated.
To prove my point, I took a breath and worked on untangling the knot in my mind. No, there was no guilt. There was a core of sadness, maybe just a touch of disappointment, and that relief I"d recognized earlier. But the truth was, I really felt okay with the idea of my mother never coming back for me. And it wasn"t because I hated her, or thought she was worthless sc.u.m. I wasn"t angry. I was just...ready to move on.
I thought of the photographs in the drawer, tucked away where I wouldn"t have to see them. I might not"ve wanted to put them on display, but I"d never throw them out. Wherever I ended up in life, they"d end up, too. Maybe they"d always be in a dark drawer somewhere, but even if I never laid eyes on them again, they"d be a part of me. The part that said I"d had a mother...who"d tried and failed. That I"d had a sister who"d lost her way. That I"d had a childhood in the ghetto and it"d played its part in making me who I was today.
And then something else dawned on me. My mother had photographs, too.
"Alex?" Suzie"s worried face brought me back to the brighter present-to the stiff green gra.s.s beneath my legs and the wide-open sky over my head.
"I"m okay. I think I just figured something out."
Suzie exhaled slowly, her hand twitching on her knee. "What"s that?"
"I went back to my old house, with Seb, when we first ran away. There"s a new family there."
She gave me a pained nod.
"And, well, my mom left all kinds of stuff that belonged to us. Furniture, clothes, the microwave...but she took the photos."
"Photos?"
"Yeah. All the pictures she had in her nightstand of me and Mimi. They weren"t there anymore. I had a few in my dresser that were left behind, but she must"ve taken the rest. Maybe...maybe she took them because she really did love us. She just...didn"t exactly know how to be a good mom."
Like Mimi. I was sort of grateful I wouldn"t be having kids to carry on the family tradition of s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the whole thing up.
"Anyways, I think...maybe that"s why she left." I pushed on, my thoughts falling into place as I said them aloud. "She knew I"d be better off. And she knew if she"d stayed, I never would have stopped trying to get back. And I might have gotten my wish, eventually...and then my life would be...very different."
Suzie"s nostrils flared and she swallowed slowly.
I went over my logic one more time, and it still seemed solid. "Well, that"s what I"ve decided, anyways."
"That makes sense, Alex. That makes a lot of sense."
The sun was warm on my skin, bringing back some of my earlier calm. "Yeah. It does, huh." And maybe if I saw my mom again someday, I might even thank her...for letting me go.
A shadow fell over me, and I looked up to see Seb, wiping his face with his t-shirt. Tanned to a light gold, he had hints of freckles on his shoulders that glistened with sweat. If we"d had any place to be alone, I would have kissed each sparkling fleck and then his lips, even if they were a little dry and cracked from the heat.
Locking eyes with me, he smirked like he knew exactly what was on my mind. It also served as a pointed reminder that Suzie was beside me, and that I should keep my fantasies in check for a more convenient time.
He waved at her in greeting, and she waved back.
"You"re looking well today," she began, but I interrupted.
"Seb, they found your family."
That was sort of rude of me-I should have let Suzie deliver the information herself. But I was too antsy to deal with her small talk, both because I needed to take Seb out behind a tree somewhere, and because now that the dust of not seeing my mother again had settled, my brain had finally caught up with the next reason to worry.
Seb"s jaw fell open, and he squatted down beside us. Really? Really?
"We"ve located your grandmother, Sebastian. And she"d very much like to meet you."
He blinked. Not exactly an enthusiastic response.
"Did you know you had a grandma?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"She didn"t know she had a grandson, either," Suzie put in. Then she glanced over at me. "I suppose you don"t mind me sharing information about your family in front of Alex, do you?"
Another firm headshake.
"Your mom was a runaway, though she ran when she was eighteen. So your grandmother never knew she was pregnant, or that she had you."
Now Seb nodded. Maybe he"d known his mother had issues with her family. And if that was the case, maybe this grandmother thing wasn"t such good news after all.
Grasping a fistful of gra.s.s and soil, I stopped myself from going too far down that line of thinking...because a part of me was actually hoping hoping that. The first night I"d heard Seb might have a family out there I"d been thrilled for him-but that was when I"d been in a completely selfless mode, trying to pretend my own desires didn"t exist. that. The first night I"d heard Seb might have a family out there I"d been thrilled for him-but that was when I"d been in a completely selfless mode, trying to pretend my own desires didn"t exist.
But they existed, all right. And now that everything finally felt right, with us here together in this safe, enclosed world, and Seb growing more confident being himself with each pa.s.sing day...I just wasn"t ready for things to change.
What if this family of his wanted to take him away immediately? What if they lived far away? Or didn"t like Mexicans? Or didn"t like gay gay Mexicans? Mexicans?
"She lives outside of San Diego. And this is very interesting-she was born with a similar unilateral vocal fold anomaly to the one that affects your speech, Sebastian," Suzie went on, totally unaware of my fears. "I think it"ll be wonderful for you to meet her and see how she communicates."
Seb considered for a moment, tilting his head to the sunlight. Then he pointed at me and folded his arms decisively.
Suzie looked to me for a translation.
"He wants to know if I can come with him."
She laughed brightly. "Oh, I wouldn"t dream of separating you against your will. Trust me."
Seb was tense. He"d started chewing his fingernails lately-a new nervous habit. I didn"t like it, but I guessed it was progress when compared to the other ways he"d dealt with stress. And besides, that shrink he saw could handle the issue whenever she felt the moment was right.
I gently drew his hand away from his mouth so I could hold it. "Hey. Relax. It"s gonna be okay. Suzie said she"s dying to meet you. And what about her being like you, with that uni...unilateral thing? That"s gonna be cool, right?"
Seb frowned.
I wondered if some of the same concerns I had were running through his mind. San Diego was a three-hour drive, and I wasn"t eager for that kind of distance between us. Sometimes the mile we had to cross now seemed too much already. In the past month, I"d had to grudgingly relearn how to fall asleep without a warm body under my arm, my useless protests shot down by Suzie and my therapist. They just kept insisting our time apart would only help me appreciate our future "mature" relationship even more.
Thank G.o.d that magical age of adulthood was only two years away.
"She"s gonna love you, Seb. No one who knows you could do anything different."