"And that"s where you"ll be? You and Sebastian?"
My lids fluttered, trying to open, but I squeezed them shut again. "No."
"Alex, I don"t understand."
"Promise me, Suzie. Promise me you"ll help her. Help both of them. Promise me you won"t take Star away from her. It"s not her fault. She didn"t have a chance. Sh-she didn"t have anywhere to go...sh-she...she..."
"Who are you talking about? Your mother?"
I shook my head, even though Suzie couldn"t see it. "My sister. She has a daughter...she"s...she"s only five years old..."
My face was wet. The tears had arrived.
"What"s happened? Please, let me come pick you up and we can talk about this."
"She"s only five years old," I repeated. "And my sister...my sister is a...my sister is a..."
My throat closed and I choked on the taste of vomit. I felt myself slipping-slipping to the floor, slipping into complete despair...until Seb"s hand closed around mine.
He squeezed my fingers, stroking my knuckles with his thumb. I finally opened my eyes and found him gazing at me with concern...but beneath that, I swore I could make out a flickering of...understanding.
I took a deep breath.
"My sister is a hooker. But she didn"t have a choice. She got kicked out and she had a kid to support. She didn"t know any other way."
"Alex-"
"You won"t arrest her, will you?"
"I don"t work for the police department. Of course I won"t arrest her."
"She"s a good mom. She loves Star. But they don"t have enough money and Star is so skinny and...and...what if the cops got her? They"d take Star away anyways. And then Angel...that f.u.c.king piece of s.h.i.t...he"s a f.u.c.king pimp and he carries a gun around Star and he...he smokes crack in front of her, and I"m afraid...I"m afraid that...and I want Star to...I want her to have a f.u.c.king chance!"
Trembling, I crushed Seb"s hand in mine. It had to hurt, but he didn"t flinch.
"I know how hard this must be for you, Alex. I promise you I"ll do everything I can to help. There are resources available for your sister...but now you need to tell me where you and Sebastian are. Please."
"No." I bit a dry patch on my lip until it bled, just so I could have something other than the aftertaste of vomit in my mouth. "We don"t need you."
"Alex, think about what you"re doing. How are you going to take care of Sebastian? This...what you"ve done...it could even be considered kidnapping."
I turned to Seb, resting the receiver against my chest. "Seb...do you want to go back with Suzie?"
He shook his head.
"Do you want to stay with me?"
He nodded.
Even in this this moment, this moment of complete torture, he could make my heart sing. moment, this moment of complete torture, he could make my heart sing.
I put the phone back up to my mouth. "Seb stays with me."
"Alex, please, you can"t...you can"t take advantage of him. Even if you have feelings for him, please, remember, if you acted on them...it would be like ra-"
"Don"t worry," I interrupted. "I"m not. I"m not going to do anything I"m not supposed to, I promise. I"m just gonna take care of him. I"m just gonna be...his friend."
"Alex, you need to come-"
I hung up.
With my free arm, I rubbed my face clean, staring at the phone and taking shaky breaths.
It was done. I"d done it. I"d turned my sister in to the very people I was running from.
And now that it was done, I was left with a bottomless pit of doubts. I had to trust in Suzie. I had to trust that Star was young and flexible and could adjust...but if I were her age, would I have accepted strangers walking into my life, trying to change it with the promise of something better?
Probably not.
Would I if I knew what I did now?
I still wasn"t sure.
Oh, G.o.d. Please forgive me. Please G.o.d f.u.c.king forgive me.
Folding over, I started to retch again, like I was trying to expel what I"d just done from my body. But there was nothing left in my stomach and I just ended up spewing b.l.o.o.d.y saliva onto the gra.s.s below.
Seb touched the back of my neck, his soft fingers grazing the skin, and I gradually straightened up.
"I"m okay." I wiped my mouth on my sleeve. "I"m okay. It"s okay. We"re gonna be okay."
If I said it enough times, maybe I"d believe it.
Seb nodded again.
"We...we should get outta here, though. I don"t know if they can really trace calls or anything like that, but I bet they"ll be looking around here."
I started to move away from the payphone, and suddenly realized Seb and I were still connected by our hands.
"Um..." I searched the streets warily, noting a few guys loitering on the corner a block away. "Seb, I know you don"t mean anything by it...but people could get the wrong idea about this." I squeezed his hand. "And around here, it isn"t really safe."
Very slowly, his fingers slipped away from mine, but not before I caught a hint of something sad in his dark eyes.
"You"re right. Around here...sucks." Spying a bus stop a few feet ahead, I slapped his shoulder to push him forward. "We need to blow this joint."
For good.
PART THREE.
Chapter 20: Heaven and h.e.l.l.
"Do you smell that?"
I stepped off the bus and into the brilliant sunshine, right under a tall palm tree. Seb pulled up beside me and blinked once.
I wanted the nods back, but at least he seemed alert-which was more than I could say for myself. My jaw and ear were still sore from where they"d been smashed up against the bus window while I slept.
"Take a deep breath, like this." I coached him, inhaling dramatically. Wafts of incense floated past my nostrils, making them twitch, but the breeze also carried hints of fried foods, grilling meats, and salt.
"That"s the ocean."
Seb raised his brows.
"You"ve seen it right? Just right down here I think, and we"ll get to it."
I headed down a narrow Venice side street, shoving my hands into my pockets to keep from touching Seb. Odd, tall houses with multi-colored exteriors and windowed walls lined the pa.s.sage, but as we got closer to the beach, the buildings got even stranger. One place looked like it"d been plucked straight out of an old horror movie, complete with gargoyles, goblins and several dragons.
I curled my nose at a particularly demonic-looking creature, edging toward the opposite side of the street. "People are f.u.c.king weird. Why would you want to look at that s.h.i.t everyday? Especially when you live close to something awesome like the ocean."
When I turned to see Seb"s reaction-or to see if if Seb had a reaction-I was greeted by the sight of his blond hair racing ahead to a crowded pedestrian walkway. Seb had a reaction-I was greeted by the sight of his blond hair racing ahead to a crowded pedestrian walkway.
"Hey, wait up!"
He kept going, bypa.s.sing a group of girls with bug-eyed sungla.s.ses and squeezing through two street vendor tables selling that strong incense.
"Seb, stop!"
Plowing straight ahead, he wandered into the middle of a bike path. An angry cyclist swerved around him in the nick of time. Two more whipped by to the right, jingling their bells and glaring.
I sprinted over and tugged his shirtsleeve until we"d made it safely across.
"Seb"-I shook my finger sternly-"you can"t just go running off like that. You gotta stick close."
Not even slightly disturbed, he stepped forward, kicking a pile of sand. He crouched down to feel it, then scooped up a handful and let it sift through his fingers in a long, wispy trail.
"Like it, don"t ya." I laughed at his bright-eyed grin. "Shoulda figured you would."
He straightened up and walked on more calmly, heading for the water.
Sun glinted off the gray-blue waves as they rolled in. The Pacific wasn"t like the postcards of those beachy paradises-the ones with the coconut tree and the crystal-clear waters-but it was just as beautiful. Maybe even a bit more interesting for all the secrets it kept hidden in its dark depths...sort of like Seb"s eyes.
A wave crashed near the sh.o.r.eline and a bit of froth sprayed our faces.
Seb picked up a handful of wet sand to mold in his palm. I got the feeling that if I left him alone, he"d spend the rest of the day exploring all the textures the oceanfront had to offer. But just when I was about to settle down to watch him, he stepped forward, and the waves licked at the tips of his sneakers.
"Hold it!" I hooked my finger into his shirt collar so I could pull him back. "We can go swimming sometime, but not in our clothes."
He glanced down at his feet, then kicked off his shoes.
"What about your pants? You know you only have that one pair right now."
He leaned over to remove his socks and roll up his pant legs.
"Oh my G.o.d." I shook my head into my hand, chuckling. "Fine, but hold up. I"m not letting you go in there alone."
I transferred all our cash over to my pockets and tightened the straps on the backpack so it was as high as it would go. Once I had my shoes and socks off and my pants up to my knees, I walked after him clumsily.
"Jesus, I look like a f.u.c.king fool," I moaned, but I wasn"t really upset. How could I be, with Seb"s brilliant smile still in place, his long white toes already touching the water"s edge?
"Is it cold?"
No answer, just a grin. I took a step forward.
"Holy f.u.c.k!" I yelped, skipping back to the warm sand. "It"s f.u.c.king freezing!"
A family with a toddler a few feet away gave me a dirty look, and I shrugged at them.
In the meantime, Seb waded in up to his calves. He had his head thrown back, his eyes closed and his mouth open, like he was waiting to catch salty drops of water on his tongue.
Braving the cold again, I clenched my fists and went to stand by his side. He must"ve heard the splashing because he turned to me, his lids fluttering open.
Still smiling. If only I"d had a watch so I could"ve timed this-I was pretty sure it was the longest stretch of smiling he"d done since...ever.
"There"s a lot more to see. I mean, it"s a bit of a freak show, but it"s entertaining." I gestured behind me with a head nod. "I was here once, with...with Mimi and this guy she was dating."
I tripped a little on her name, guilt and regret fighting to recapture my thoughts. I knew I"d lost her. But I"d lost her before that, really, and I"d survived.
A powerful wave lapped at my leg, shocking me again with its frigid temperature.
"Seb, really, this is too cold. My people are a tropical people. Let"s go back."
He followed me out, squishing his feet into the sand with each step.
When we reached dry ground, he suddenly plummeted down, lying back against one arm as a pillow and burying his free hand in the sand.
"Comfy?" I sat cross-legged beside him. "Well, don"t get too comfortable. I don"t think you should lie out for too long without sun block. I knew this girl once-she wasn"t even white, she was just like, fair-skinned, and she got this burn so bad she couldn"t even put on clothes. Got a special note to wear a tank top to school and everything."
He closed his eyes.
"Seriously, Seb. I"ll just get browner, but you...you"ll probably turn into a lobster."
"Well, we have some sun block you can borrow, if you like."