I left the kitchen to walk to her side. I didn"t know if she"d still be angry with me about yesterday, but I could tell she was drained-even more drained than she"d been the last time-and I wanted to be of some help.
And I also wanted to do anything I could to keep from thinking about why why she might be so sapped of life this morning. she might be so sapped of life this morning.
"You want me to make you breakfast? I could go to the store, if you need me to."
She shook her head. "No, I"m not hungry. I"m just gonna take a shower."
Star wiggled in her arms. "Me too, Mommy. I wanna take a shower, too."
Mimi cringed, the wrinkles on her forehead and around her eyes making her look so much older. Then she sighed. "Okay, baby. We"ll wash you up first."
They disappeared into the bathroom. I looked back over at the table to find Seb, but he wasn"t sitting there anymore. Somehow he"d snuck around and was now standing behind me, studying me with his head tipped to the side.
"I don"t know if I"ll ever get used to this," I muttered, turning to him. "Watching her leave at night...seeing her come home like this in the morning..." I paused to push down the lump in my throat. "And what about Star? What about when she gets old enough to realize..."
Seb"s gaze fell to the floor. If he understood what I was saying, then I was probably depressing him...but misery loves company, and I kept on going.
"And that a.s.shole Angel...I bet you anything he smokes crack around Star when Mimi"s not there. I mean, what if Star used that spoon one day? Or if he dropped some or something? She"s so f.u.c.king tiny...I think it could kill her."
Seb stepped a little closer to me.
"And the gun...yeah, great f.u.c.king idea to have a gun in your pants and a kid on your lap."
I squeezed my hands into fists, my anger from the night before suddenly revived.
"You know what the worst part might be? Now I have to deal with another f.u.c.king a.s.shole in my life that I can"t do anything to stop. I thought I was done done with that s.h.i.t." with that s.h.i.t."
A blast of warmth hit my neck, and I realized Seb had come close enough that I was feeling the heat of his breath on my skin. I slowly released the tension in my clenched muscles.
"s.h.i.t. I almost took a swing at him. That wouldn"tve ended well. If you hadn"t distracted me I"d...I might"ve..."
Our chests were touching now, his inhales and exhales mirroring mine. Something about the train of thought I"d been on bugged me, but I let it go, deciding to forget my troubles for the time being and enjoy the comfort available right in front of my face.
I lifted my arms and wrapped him in a hug, breathing in deeply through the filter of his blond hair. All the frustration inside me was immediately reduced to a tiny, smoldering ember. My body shot signals to my brain that filled up the available room in there, telling me this this was what it craved. To continue running my hands over his shoulders and admiring the firm, lean muscles of his back. To make was what it craved. To continue running my hands over his shoulders and admiring the firm, lean muscles of his back. To make him him my whole world and leave the rest of this s.h.i.t behind. my whole world and leave the rest of this s.h.i.t behind.
Being this close to him was like a drug...and I was quickly becoming addicted. It took a very strong effort for me to step away.
"You"ll eat Pop-Tarts, right Seb?" I asked, running my hand down his arm as I drew out our physical connection for as long as possible. "I"ll even warm them up for you."
He stared at me, and while his mouth didn"t move, his eyes were smiling.
We split one pack so there"d be enough left for Mimi and Star-if she ever gave in-then sat down in the living room to watch some TV. Five minutes later the bathroom door opened and a dripping wet Star was pushed into the hallway, clutching a thin gray towel to her shivering body.
"Alex, get Star dressed, will you?" Mimi called, and the door shut again.
I stood up and walked toward her while she hopped in place, shaking off the excess water. "I"m all clean, Tio!"
Her arms flew up in the air with her declaration, causing the towel to slip to the floor.
"Oh, Jesus." I ducked my head into my hand to cover my eyes. "Didn"t you say you could get dressed by yourself?"
She giggled. "Oh, yeah." After picking up the towel and wrapping it around her b.u.t.t, she flounced into her room.
"She can," I a.s.sured Seb as I sat back beside him. "She did it yesterday. And I"m starting to get the feeling someone needs to teach her about being a little more private. Like how you shouldn"t just go wandering around in your underwear-or naked, for that matter-when there are people in the house."
My own words touched on a memory, which grew more vivid as Seb turned to look into my eyes.
Wandering around in your underwear.
Yeah, little girls shouldn"t be doing it. But when he"d he"d done it...when he"d let his boxers slide down below his waist, let me see the dip of his hipbone and the curve of his a.s.s... done it...when he"d let his boxers slide down below his waist, let me see the dip of his hipbone and the curve of his a.s.s...
Let me? I snapped myself out of the daydream. There was no final word on that. me? I snapped myself out of the daydream. There was no final word on that.
"Um, Seb..." I bit down on my lip slowly, rolling the chunk of flesh between my teeth. "You know those last couple nights at Ms. Loretta"s?"
Did he remember them the way I did? I waited to see if there"d be any spark of recognition in his eyes.
His brows rose slightly.
"Well...it"s just...I"ve been meaning to ask you about...about the stuff I said behind the shed. Y"know, about...about me...being different..."
"Let"s go outside and play!" Star rocketed into the room. She was back in the tutu, but she had black leggings on underneath this time and a yellow shirt with a sunflower on it.
"Star." I barely controlled the sigh of irritation. "I"m talking to my friend right now. Can"t you go play by yourself?"
"I don"t wanna play by myself," she explained matter-of-factly. In two quick tugs she had Seb up, and she began leading him to the back of the house.
I stayed on the couch, twisting my ankles in little circles and cracking my knuckles. Maybe Star"s interruption had been well-timed. I wasn"t sure I actually wanted the answers to my questions-or the lack lack of answers that would be just as devastating. of answers that would be just as devastating.
Maybe I needed to learn to live with the mystery.
When I joined them, Seb and Star were building mounds of dirt on the tiny plot of brick-enclosed yard. I kept the back door open and sat in the entranceway to watch, but didn"t feel the need to help them out. This was one game I was sure Seb could handle on his own.
Star"s little fingers, coated with dirt, patted a hill with a final clump of soil. She instructed Seb to break a twig off of a tree and stick it in the middle, then stood back to observe their masterpiece and select the next place to break ground.
After a few minutes, Mimi came to stand behind me in the doorway. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt now, and her face was free of makeup. I felt much happier around her when she looked like that.
"Seb"s good with Star." I smiled as the two of them worked to create a giant pile of earth. "I think she really likes him."
"Alex." Mimi sighed, taking a hand towel to her hair and rubbing at the wet curls. "This isn"t going to work out."
"What?" I gripped the doorframe and pulled myself to my feet. "What"re you talking about?"
"You. And him. Staying here. It"s not gonna work out."
A chill traveled down my spine and along my skin, leaving little b.u.mps and raised body hair in its wake. "Angel said no?"
"It"s just not gonna work," she repeated. She wasn"t making eye contact, though, and my suspicions had anger taking over the anxiety.
"You didn"t even ask him, did you. What the f.u.c.k!"
"I don"t need to ask him." Mimi flashed her glare straight at me now that I"d figured her out. "I"m telling you, it isn"t going to work."
"Well, you"re being stupid," I shot back. "You need my help around here. You"re gonna need my help with Star."
"I don"t need need your help with nothing." She backtracked to the bathroom and tossed the towel onto the sink. "I know how to support my daughter just fine on my own. What I your help with nothing." She backtracked to the bathroom and tossed the towel onto the sink. "I know how to support my daughter just fine on my own. What I can"t can"t do is support her and you and the white boy that may or may not be r.e.t.a.r.ded." do is support her and you and the white boy that may or may not be r.e.t.a.r.ded."
"I said I"d get a job." I threw up my hands, chasing after her. "I don"t expect to live here for free."
"What job, huh? What"re you gonna do? And what is that boy gonna do? Please. Tell me."
My mouth flapped open and closed a few times as I hunted for a response. "Uh...Angel said he might have some work for me. Maybe he wants me to like...deal for him or something? I could do that, if you want."
Her hand flew at me so fast I didn"t have a chance to react, and I received the full force of the slap across the right side of my face.
Staggering back, I turned toward the wall to inspect the stinging spot with my fingertips. I couldn"t be sure, but I thought her nails might"ve left a mark.
"No I don"t want want that," she spat. " that," she spat. "Cabron."
My eyes filled with tears. Not from the pain, really, but from the whole f.u.c.ked-up situation I"d put myself in. And put Seb in, for that matter.
I smothered the urge to cry and looked out back, watching Star hop from one pile of dirt to another. Her laughter made the p.r.i.c.ks of pain along my cheek feel even sharper.
"Mimi, please..."
She clenched the hand she"d hit me with and crossed her arms. "No. I made up my mind."
"But..."
"Besides"-she glanced up sharply, then immediately looked away again-"you know this neighborhood ain"t no place for f.a.gs."
My blood turned to ice.
"Wh-what? I"m...I"m not. I"m not."
f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k.
Mimi shook her head. "I just wanna know one thing...were you born like this? Or was it like something that happened in that group home? "Cause back in school, they always used to say f.a.g was catching...especially for the boys..."
All sanity shattered, I drew back my fist and slammed it into the wall with every ounce of force in my body. "Stop saying that word!"
Bits of plaster dust exploded into the air. Right before I shut my eyes, I saw the sc.r.a.pe on one of my knuckles turn from white to red as blood began to seep out. I pushed my face against the damaged wall, wishing I could melt straight into the foundation of the ugly little apartment and escape this moment without ever looking back.
Mimi touched my shoulder. "I"m sorry."
I didn"t turn around.
"I"m sorry, Alex. It don"t change anything for me, you know. You"re still my brother and I still love you."
Tears escaped my closed eyes and I pressed my face even harder into the darkness, making strange squiggles and dots appear on the backs of my lids.
"But you know I"m right. It"s just not safe around here. Especially not for him. And if Angel ever found out...he"s weird about that s.h.i.t. He could hurt you and I"d never-"
Mention of Angel caused another rush of insane fury and I whirled, screaming in Mimi"s face. "Angel! Jesus f.u.c.king Christ! Why are you with that a.s.shole? Why? Why, after seeing Mom with Hector, would you f.u.c.king do that?"
She backed up, cowering on the opposite wall like she was afraid I might hit her this time. "Because, Alejandro," she whispered. "Star and me...we don"t have nowhere else to go."
Her whole body sagged in on itself, sad brown eyes practically begging me for forgiveness. She looked so small and defeated, stripped of the hardness and reduced to the little girl she"d once been.
"Mimi, I"m s-"
"You need to go back to that place. That house with the pool and the gardener. Please, Alex."
"I can"t." I switched positions so I could rest the back of my head and look out at the clouds dotting the sky. It was also a way to let the rest of the moisture soak back into my eyes before it had a chance to fall. "They probably wouldn"t have me back. And even if they did, they"d take Seb away and I...I can"t..."
Can"t what? Can"t live without him? Can"t break free from this mysterious spell he"d put me under without uttering a single word?
"I just...can"t."
Mimi fell in beside me, resting her head along my shoulder. "So where will you go, then?"
I shrugged, trying to sniff in the snot I could feel trailing down to my upper lip. "I don"t know. To find Mom, maybe."
"Right. Like she"s gonna help."
"She"s Mom, Mimi. I can"t give up on her."
Mimi pushed off the wall. "One day you"re gonna understand, Alejandro. She"s not a mom. She"s just a lady who happened to have babies."
I really couldn"t blame her for thinking that.
Voice thick with anger and unshed tears, I yelled for Seb. He stopped his antics with Star and turned to me.
"Let"s get our stuff. We"re leaving."
"Will you come back?" Star tugged on my pant leg, her lower lip sticking out only slightly. She seemed to be deciding whether or not she was supposed to be sad.
"Sure, I"ll come back sometime. And now you know you have a tio." I reached over and picked her up for a hug. Her tiny arms encircled my neck, causing an unfamiliar stirring in my heart. For two odd, stressful days, I"d gotten to be an uncle-and I"d never dreamed that"d be something I"d actually find rewarding.
Mimi came to me next, squeezing me so hard our ribs ground against each other. I wanted to tell her to eat more, but the advice died before it left my lips. I wanted to tell her to do a lot of things...and to not not do a lot of things, but I knew she was just going to keep on living what she knew. do a lot of things, but I knew she was just going to keep on living what she knew.
"Are you sure I can"t take you back?" she asked one last time.
I took a deep breath, drinking in Seb"s form with my eyes and using it to remind me of why I needed to stay strong.
"No, Mi. We"re gonna make it on our own. We"ll be fine."