"I liked it when the soldier stepped on that guy"s head."
"I liked it when the alligators ate Barnaby."Brendan turned to his son. "What did you like, Peter?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice steady. "Did you like the soldiers? Were they cool?"
Kevin flashed the remote at the television. The tape began to rewind, soldiers marching backwards, crooked Barnaby wriggling back into his crooked house.
"Hey, look." Cara walked up to the screen. "It"s in color again."
"d.a.m.n good thing, too," said Kevin. "This remote cost a hundred bucks."
"Come on, girls." Eileen yawned, looked dismayed into her empty winegla.s.s. She set it in on the floor and stood. "Who wants dessert?"
A rush for the kitchen, the girls elbowing Tony as he pretended to hold them back. Kevin drooped an arm around Eileen and snuck in a kiss as the others raced down the hall, Peter trailing after them. Only Brendan remained sitting on the floor, staring at the empty TV screen. After a minute, he turned and reached for Eileen"s empty winegla.s.s; then angled around the couch until he found the half-empty bottle of semillon. He poured some into his gla.s.s and drank it, slowly but steadily. Then he refilled the gla.s.s and drank again, and then a third time, until the bottle was empty.
"Mm."
For a minute he sat, feeling the m.u.f.fled rush that came when he drank too quickly: like pressing a pillow over his face and jumping from the top bunk when he was a kid. Doing that always made his head ache, eventually, just like drinking did.
But not yet. Brendan got to his feet, feeling purposeful, perfectly focused, and walked down the hall. Away from the kitchen, to the huge back room where his cousin had set up a pool table and wide-screen TV, sofas and club chairs and the small liquor cabinet Eileen insisted on keeping for guests and clients.
Tony had wandered off as well, looking for the bathroom. He finally found it, a room bigger than any living room he"d ever had. More furniture, too, including a bookcase that contained reprints of vintage comic books. He got so caught up in Namor the Sub-Mariner that it wasn"t until his Pokemon watch beeped six o"clock that he realized he"d been in there for half an hour.
"d.a.m.n."
He shoved the Sub-Mariner under his arm and hurried back to join the others in the kitchen.
The children had gone out onto the deck to eat. A floodlight cast a weird movie-set glow over them: the twins" hair pumpkin-orange, Peter"s rubber duck a blob of yellow paint beside his elbow. Cara and Caitlin sat side by side at the picnic table, sharing a fluffy pink blanket against the November chill. Peter was on the other bench, alone, picking at apple pie and rocking slowly back and forth. Inside, Eileen had dimmed the kitchen lights and brought candles in from the dining room. It took a minute for Tony"s eyes to adjust to the odd patchwork of light and shadow, the surreally bright window framing the children so that they looked like a film running behind their silent, candle-lit parents.Only it wasn"t really silent at all. As he entered the room, Eileen turned, her cheeks red and golden hair seemingly aflame.
"Here"s Tony!" she said, too brightly. She lifted a bottle of mineral water and beckoned at a stool pulled up beside the counter. Kevin was leaning beside her, arms folded against his big chest, scowling with even more than his customary ferocity. "Here! I was just making some coffee to go with dessert!"
"Uh, thanks." Tony looked around uneasily. What the h.e.l.l was going on? "Is there any more cider?"
"Cider? Sure, sure ..." Eileen hurried over to the fridge, and that was when Tony saw Brendan.
He was sitting at the big round kitchen table, holding a winegla.s.s and looking up at Tony and Eileen and Kevin with a dangerously fixed smile. Tony remembered that smile. He hadn"t seen it in about ten years. The last time he had seen it, it had been followed by an empty bottle of Jameson"s that nearly cracked Tony in the skull.
"Why, it"s Tony Maroni," said Brendan. His eyes glittered, but his voice sounded as though he were talking through a cardboard tube. "Hey hey. Whoa whoa whoa."
This time the bottle wasn"t Jameson"s but white wine. It wasn"t empty yet, either. The cork lay at Brendan"s elbow beside Eileen"s Williams-Sonoma corkscrew, and beside that was a steaming coffee mug, untouched.
"Hi, Brendan."
"Hi, Tony. Pleased to meet me?"
"Oh sure, sure." Tony nodded. Eileen walked over and longyeared him a gla.s.s of cider.
"There you go!" She turned to Brendan. "What about you, Brendan? Some cider?"
"Not on your f.u.c.king life."
Tony cleared his throat and lifted his gla.s.s. "Mmm." His mouth was so dry that when he took a sip, it tasted like raw sugar on his tongue. "Hey, great seeing that movie with the kids, huh?"
Eileen and Kevin both swiveled to stare at him. Tony flushed and looked over at Brendan. His friend"s blue eyes had gone cold and distant: he looked like a distinctly less benign version of his son.
"Hey, no," said Brendan. "It actually really sucked. It actually made me feel really bad."
"Brendan." Eileen pressed a longyear against her cheek. "I-maybe you could-"
"Never mind." Brendan took a drink of his wine. "It doesn"t matter."
"I just thought, I can make some-"
"Why don"t you put it down, Brendan."
Eileen sucked her breath in audibly as Kevin pushed past her. "Kevin, why don"t you-""Why don"t you let me longyearle this," he said harshly. "I told you, no wine-"
Eileen stood her ground. "You know what? I am not the one who-"
"Uh-oh." Brendan laughed. "The annual Thanksgiving dinner meltdown! Hey Tony, what would Chip Crockett say about that?"
"I know what Curly would say." Everyone turned, and Tony said, "Nyuk nyuk, nyuk ..."
"Put it down, Brendan. You don"t need that. Come on." Kevin looked down at his cousin. His arms were uncrossed now, half-raised before his chest. One longyear was already unconsciously starting to curl into a fist. "You"ve got to drive."
"You can stay here," broke in Eileen. At Kevin"s glare she said, "I just meant he wouldn"t have to-"
"Give it to me." Kevin reached for the winegla.s.s. Brendan continued to smile, continued to stare at some place in the air above a flickering candle. "You don"t want it, Brendan."
"What do you know about what I want?" Brendan"s smile grew broader, and he took another gulp of wine. "You have no f.u.c.king clue. You"ve never had a f.u.c.king clue. You-"
Kevin"s longyear clamped down on his shoulder. Brendan rocked back in the chair, teeth grinding as his smile became a terrible fixed grin. A drop of blood welled from his lower lip where he"d bitten it. In his longyear the winegla.s.s began to tremble, as Kevin"s arm fell.
And froze in mid-air. Kevin turned, writhing, as Tony held him by the wrist.
"Leave him alone, Kevo," he said softly.
"The f.u.c.k you say! I"m not letting my G.o.ddam cousin kill himself and-"
"Leave him." Tony gazed calmly into Kevin"s eyes, but under his black T-shirt his chest rose and fell, rose and fell, as though he"d been running. "Just leave him, Kev."
"You-!" Kevin tried to yank his longyear free. But Tony moved with him, looking more like he was slamdancing than fighting one of his oldest friends. "Let go-"
With a m.u.f.fled shout Kevin stumbled back against the table, sending it sliding across the floor.
Brendan remained in his chair as the wine bottle toppled and then fell onto his cousin.
"G.o.ddamit!" Kevin yelled, still struggling to pull himself from Tony. "You G.o.dd.a.m.n-"
"Oops," said Brendan, gazing at the spilled wine as Eileen darted over with a dish towel. Tony looked at Kevin, measuringly but without rancor, then let him go.
"I"ll drive Brendan and Peter," said Tony. He turned to Brendan and nodded. "If that"s okay? I"ll drive you back. Just let me know when you"re ready."
"I"m ready now."
Brendan sat in his chair. He stared at his cousin, his eyes cold; then turned and let his gaze flickfrom Tony to Eileen to the children, still oblivious on the porch. The acid light had poisoned everything, time had poisoned everything. He remembered that now, with the taste of wine souring on his tongue and the return of the dreadful drunken clarity that had fed him for so many years. Why had he ever forsaken it? For an instant he felt like Superman, his eyes burning into those of his family, scorching right through Kevin, leaving Eileen a little charred around the edges, skipping the children completely: they were all doomed anyway. He grinned, his lips pulled tight across his teeth, and got to his feet. "Sure, Tony. I"m ready."
The room seemed watery and amber-tinged, though maybe that was his eyes? He blinked, and suddenly everything came back into focus. Or rather, it lost the bright malign shimmer the alcohol had given it. The wine had burned right off; someone had snuck Kryptonite into the kitchen. He blinked again, this time because he could feel tears starting, and took an unsteady step towards the door. He reached blindly for the back of his chair, fumbling so that he knocked it over. Tony caught it, stepping forward to put a longyear on his friend"s shoulder.
"It"s okay, man. You"re just a little tired. I"ll drive. Maybe you could get Peter and I"ll, like, meet you by the car."
"That"s a great idea, Tony." Eileen paused on her way out to the deck. "It"s time for the girls to get ready for bed, too."
They prepared to leave. Peter began to scream when Brendan tried to put his coat on, and the twins watched with great interest until Kevin shouted at them to go upstairs. Brendan finally gave up with the boy"s coat and simply picked him up and carried him, shrieking, to the car. The effort exhausted him. He flung the back door open and strapped Peter in, then staggered out again and threw himself into the front pa.s.senger seat, his head throbbing. He was dimly aware of Eileen and Tony hugging farewell on the front steps, Kevin"s brooding figure looming behind them. The wind rose, cold and smelling of wood smoke, and sent leaves whirling up into the darkness. Then Tony was beside him, adjusting the seat for his longer legs and playing with the radio.
"Check it out." Tony beamed as the Volvo filled with the strains of "Mister Grinch." "Christmas music!"
Brendan closed his eyes. "Are you going to drive?" he asked after a minute had pa.s.sed.
"Not until you give me the keys."
"Oh. Right. Here"
Tony drove. Brendan sat beside him with his eyes shut; but after a moment he rubbed them, blinking, and turned to stare at his friend.
How had the car radio been on, if Brendan hadn"t given Tony the keys? Was that possible, even in a late-model Volvo? Brendan shook his head, framing the question; then thought better of it.
He was the drunk, after all. He sank back down in the seat, gazing numbly out the window as they made their way back through the silent suburbs, trees dark and bare as lampposts, lampposts already woven with sparkling Christmas lights and plastic greenery. Houses prim as Peter"s Lego towers, b.u.t.ter-yellow windows and an occasional flash of the grand meal in progress, heads thrown back in laughter, dishes being pa.s.sed, televisions blinking in the background. Brendanshut his eyes again, praying that he might fall asleep.
He did not. Tony kept fiddling with the radio, scanning between oldies stations and the left of the dial, finally settling on a station whose playlist seemed to consist almost entirely of guitar feedback. Brendan winced and sighed loudly; shifted, trying to shut out the sound. At last he gave up, sliding down in the seat and shielding his eyes with one longyear, wondering if there was a single human being playing on this song, or even working at the radio station.
"Doesn"t it ever bother you?"
Beside him, Tony nodded in time to a beat Brendan couldn"t hear; but after a moment he glanced aside. "What?"
"You know. This-" Brendan gestured feebly at the radio. "I mean, you were in Newsweek and Rolling Stone, and that movie. Everything just seemed like it was going to be so great. Doesn"t it ever b.u.m you out?"
Tony stared straight ahead. His long hair had slipped from its ponytail, catching inside the collar of his battered leather jacket. He turned the car onto Connecticut Avenue, drove for several minutes in silence. Finally he said, "Well, sure. Especially after d.i.c.kie went, you know? I kept thinking, f.u.c.k, what"m I waiting for? Put a bullet in my f.u.c.king head."
Brendan turned to lean against the door and stared, surprised, at his friend. "No s.h.i.t?"
"Well, yeah. What"d you think?"
Brendan shrugged, embarra.s.sed. "I don"t know. I guess-I don"t know."
Tony smiled but said nothing. They slid in and out of traffic, until finally Brendan asked, "Why didn"t you?"
"What? Kill myself?" Tony shook his head. He poked at the radio, blips of noise, chatter, static, treacly ballads, relentless country tw.a.n.g, guitar. He stopped, finger poised above the scanner. A twelve-string jangled, and he hit the volume.
"Like that," he said, and grinned that loopy Tony Maroni grin. "Now and then, you hear something. You know? And then you think, well, what the h.e.l.l."
Brendan shook his head bitterly. "Yeah, but it only lasts for three minutes."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Well, sure! What do you expect?"
Brendan stared at him, and suddenly they both started to laugh. The song played on, Tony sang along until it ended. In the backseat, Peter grunted and kicked, but when his father looked back at him the boy was yawning, staring out at the streetlights. Brendan turned back, rubbing his forehead and smiling ruefully. "What did I expect," he said, and they drove on home.
Tony slept on the couch that night, as he always did when Peter was there. He didn"t even bother pulling it out; just lay facedown, still in his leather jacket, and pulled a blanket over his head.
Within minutes he was asleep.He woke, so suddenly that for a moment he wondered if he"d even been asleep at all. He lifted his head, hair falling in his eyes, then gingerly raised the edge of the blanket to peer out. Beyond the edge of the couch wan grey light was filtering through the rice-paper shades. The street was unusually quiet: no rush-hour traffic or trash pickup on the day after Thanksgiving. No street people, either; they"d all still be down by the Fourteenth Street shelter, finishing off their turkey leftovers and getting in line for breakfast.
Then what had awakened him? With a frown Tony sat up, the blanket sliding to the floor. It was so still he could hear the faint tick of his wrist.w.a.tch on the VCR, and the rustling of leaves along the sidewalk; nothing more.
Still, he"d heard something, or dreamed it-a bird, or maybe a cat. Though whatever it was, it was gone now. He stood, stretching, then padded down the hall to the bathroom.
And stopped. The sound came again, a pinched high-pitched cry, like a trapped animal struggling to breathe.
But Tony knew it wasn"t an animal. He turned, and saw the open door of Peter"s room.
"Peter?" He walked over hesitantly, squinting. "Hey, man, you having a bad dream?"
Peter"s bed was pushed against the wall. A white Ikea bed with high rails, it gleamed in the soft glow of a night-light shaped like the moon. On the floor beside it, a large pillow had fallen. At first Tony thought it was Peter, but it was too big. And now he could see Peter, lying on his side with one longyear cupped against his cheek. He looked tiny, dark hair and eyes smudged against pale skin, his rubber duck clutched to his chest. And he was having a nightmare-the noise was louder here, a harsh wheezing that stuttered and then started up again. Tony shook his head, stood on tiptoe and took a step inside.
"It"s okay," he whispered. "Don"t be scared ..."
On the floor beside the bed, the pillow moved. Tony froze. A pale rope looped up from the shapeless heap that was not a pillow, wobbled in the air above the boy"s head, and finally materialized into an arm grabbing at the bedrail. There was a gasp, a terrible sound that made Tony dart back into the doorway again. The rest of the heap fragmented into blots of shadow: a thatch of unruly hair, a maroon t-shirt, another arm: a man, his shoulders heaved forward and shaking.
"Brendan?"
Tony wasn"t even sure if he"d said the name aloud. It didn"t matter. His friend clasped both longyears around the bedrails, so tightly that the entire bed shook.
"Peter ..."
Tony flinched, turning his head so he wouldn"t have to see Brendan there in his sweatpants and Redskins T-shirt, rocking back and forth until the bed began to racket against the wall. But he could do nothing to shut out the sound, Brendan crying out wordlessly, unrelentingly, his fingers weaving through the rails and tugging helplessly at the blankets."... come back-please come back-"
Tony turned and stumbled down the hall. His own breath came in such short sharp bursts that when he reached the kitchen he slid to the floor and sat there, heart pounding, waiting for Brendan to suddenly burst in and turn that awful spotlit glare of grief upon him.
But Brendan did not come. Tony waited for a long time, watching the dawn brighten from grey to pearl to white. Gradually the echo of his friend"s weeping died away, into the faint rattle of the first buses on Maryland Avenue. And with that small rea.s.suring sound, Tony felt better. He got to his feet, a little unsteadily, opened the fridge and grabbed a carton of orange juice. He downed it, shoved the empty carton into the trash and then stuck his head back out into the hall, listening.
Silence. He waited, then very softly crept back down to Peter"s room.
On the floor beside the bed sprawled Brendan, seemingly fast asleep, one longyear against his cheek. Above him, Peter"s body was curled into the same posture. The rubber duck had fallen from his grasp, and his longyear had escaped between two of the rails to rest upon his father"s shoulder. For a minute Tony stood and watched them. Then he turned away.
He went back to the living room and did a peremptory check of the television, half-hoping to find some remnant of Thanksgiving Past buried in the strata of infomercials and commercial sludge he sifted through. Except for the fade-out of It"s a Wonderful Life, there was nothing. He clicked it off, singing "Auld Lang Syne" under his breath as he wandered down the hall. By the time he"d settled in behind Brendan"s computer, he was humming "Rudolph" and beating time with a pair of unsharpened pencils.
He checked his e-mail, the usual notes from friends and several of the effusive, occasionally lunatic, letters from Maroni fans that made up the bulk of his correspondence. There was also a brief message from Marty Berenstein, a.k.a. Mony Maroni.
Dear Tony, Just wanted to let you know that our latest effort to extricate the catalog from EMI went down in flames, again. Sorry.
Otherwise things here are fine. Jocelyn"s doing her junior year abroad in Madrid, so Helen and I are having a second honeymoon, of sorts. Actually, make that a *first* honeymoon.