Susanna sat on the bed, always her favorite perch, her arms clasped about her raised knees, while Anne sat on the chair beside her desk. They talked about Frances for a while until Anne broke a short, not uncomfortable silence with a question.
aAnd what of you?a she asked. aDid you really have a lovely time? Did you meet anyone interesting?a For one moment Susanna considered pouring out the whole sorry story to her friend. But it was just too intensely personala"especially its ending. Maybe later, when the memories were not quite so raw, she would confide in Anne, but not now. Not yet.
aLike a duke to sweep me off my feet and bear me off to his castle as his bride?a She laughed at the old joke. aNo, not quite, alas. But Frances and Lord Edgecombe were very obliging, Anne, and made sure that there was some entertainment for me to attend almost every day, even though I am sure they would have been just as happy to relax and be quiet together after being away for so long. I met some amiable and interesting people, most of whom I knew from before, of course.a aBut no one special?a Anne asked.
Susannaas heart felt like a leaden weight in her chest.
aNo,a she said. aNot really.a Anne raised her eyebrows.
aOnly one gentleman,a Susanna said reluctantly, awho made his intentions very clear, and they were not honorable ones. It was the old story, Anne. Yet he was very handsome and very amiable. Never mind. And you? You told us a great deal about your Welsh holiday the evening before I left, but nothing that was very personal. Did you meet anyone interesting?a Anne and her son, David, had gone to Wales to spend a month with the Bedwyn family on the Duke of Bewcastleas estate.
aThe Bedwyns,a Anne said, smiling, aare all quite fascinating, Susannaa"and that is actually an understatement. The Duke of Bewcastle is every bit as formidable as he is reputed to be. He has cold silver eyes and long fingers that are forever curling about the handle of his quizzing gla.s.s. He is quite terrifying. And yet he was unfailingly courteous to me. The d.u.c.h.ess is a delight and not at all high in the instep, and it is quite clear that he adores her though he is never ever demonstrative in public. He also adores their son, who is a cross, demanding little babya"except when his father is holding him. And he holds him rather often. He is a strange, mysterious, fascinating man.a Susanna rested her chin on her knees. She was thinking of how words could be true and yet a ma.s.sive lie at the same time. It was the old story, Anne. Yet he was very handsome and very amiable. Never mind. Just as if the whole relationship with Viscount Whitleaf had been that trivial, that unimportant.
aAll this talk of married dukes is depressing me,a she said, smiling as if her heart were not breaking. aWas there no one who was unmarried?a aNo dukes.a Anne smiled too.
Something in her tone alerted Susanna.
aOh, Anne,a she said. aWho?a aNo one really,a Anne said quickly, shifting position on the chair. aOh, what a dreadful thing to say of another human being. He very definitely is someone. He is the dukeas steward at Glandwr. He was alone and I was alone, and so it was natural enough that occasionally we walk out together or sit together on evenings when he was invited to dine. That is all.a aAll,a Susanna repeated. aAnd was he tall, dark, and handsome, Anne?a aYes,a Anne said. aAll three.a Susanna continued to gaze at her.
aWe were merely friends,a Anne said.
aWere you?a Susanna spoke softly.
aWe were. We wereavery dear friends,a Anne said.
But Susanna knew something as clearly as if they had both poured out their hearts to each other. They had both met someone very special indeed during their holidays. And they had both returned with bruised, perhaps even broken, hearts.
aBut he did not make an offer,a she said. aAnne, I am so sorry.a There was a lengthy silence, during which Anne did not contradict her.
aDo you think,a Susanna asked at last, alife would be easier, Anne, if one had parents and family to take one about, to make sure one met suitable people, to arrange for one to meet eligible suitors? Would it be easier than living at a girlsa school as one of the teachers?a It seemed absurd, she thought, to miss her mother so very much even now when she was twenty-threea"her mother, whom she had never known.
aI am not sure,a Anne said, closing the curtains again, athat life is ever easy. Very often girls and women make disastrous marriages even while surrounded by family to help guide their choice or make it for them. I think given the choice between a bad marriage and life here, I would choose being here every time. In fact, I am certain I would.a aIt was so ungrateful of me,a Susanna said, aeven to ask that question. Good fortune was smiling on me when I was sent here to school, and I was blessed beyond belief when Claudia offered me a position on the staff. And I have such very good friends here. What more could I ask of life?a aAh, but we are women as well as teachers, Susanna,a Anne said as she resumed her seat. aWe have needs that nature has given us for the very preservation of our species.a Ah, and that was the trouble. That was the whole trouble. Without those needs, Susanna thought, she might have escaped unscathed from her summer holiday. She might have gone through the rest of her life convincing herself that Viscount Whitleaf had been just a temporary though dear friend whom she missed.
aAnd sometimes,a she said, athey are very hard to ignore. I was very tempted this summer, Anne. To be a manas mistress. Part of me is still not convinced that I made the right choice. And will I be able to make the same choice next time? And the next?a As if there ever would or could be a next time.
And she had been tempted in more than one way, hadnat she? And had certainly not resisted one of those temptations.
aI donat know,a Anne said.
aWhat poor, sad spinsters we are,a Susanna said, laughing and getting up from her perch on the bed. aI am for my lonely bed. The journey has tired me out. Good night, Anne.a Three days later all the boarders returned to school and with them several new girls, including two charity pupils who needed a great deal of care and attention. And the day after that the day girls returned and cla.s.ses started.
It was a relief to be busy again.
It was even more of a reliefa"and that was a ma.s.sive understatementa"to discover two weeks later that she was not with child, that her great indiscretion had had no lasting consequences. None that would be observable to anyone else, anyway.
And yet, perversely, the discovery left her feeling freshly bereft.
Now it was all definitely and finally over.
Her heart, her very life, had never felt more frighteningly empty.
It was not finally over for Anne.
One Sat.u.r.day morning late in September a sudden deluge of rain sent Susanna and a cla.s.s of girls under her supervision dashing back inside the school from the open meadows beyond Daniel Street, where they always went for their games lessons. Susanna sent the girls up to their dormitories to dry off and would have taken her own wet cloak and bonnet up to her room before meeting them in the grand hall for indoor games, but Mr. Keeble informed her that she was wanted in the office, that he had already asked Miss Walton to supervise the hall.
She found Claudia and Anne waiting for her and smiled when she saw a nice warm fire crackling in the grate. It was a chilly day outside.
aWe are to lose Anne, Susanna,a Claudia said sternly and without preamble. aShe is to marry Mr. Sydnam Butler, son of the Earl of Redfield and steward at the Welsh estate of the Duke of Bewcastle.a Poor Claudia could never utter that last name without some venom in her voice. Her final position as a governess, which had been with Lady Freyja Bedwyn as her pupil and the Duke of Bewcastle as her employer, had left her with a lasting antipathy toward both. She heartily despised them though she did concede that without that more-than-unpleasant experience she might never have summoned the courage to open her own school.
But Susanna did not spare much thought for Claudia. She had looked into Anneas ashen face, and she instantly knew.
aOh, Anne,a she said, closing the distance between them and hugging her friend tightly.
aI have told her that she need not do it,a Claudia said. aI have told her we will find some alternative. But she insists.a aOf course I do.a Anne stepped back from Susannaas arms and smiled with ghastly cheerfulness at both of them. aI want to marry Mr. Butler. I am fond of him. I am not marrying him just because I am with child. I am with child, Susanna.a aWe are all going to have a nice cup of tea,a Claudia said with iron calm. aAnd we are all going to sit down. Not necessarily in that order.a Susanna was glad of the chair. She could guess exactly the way it was. Anne was more than fond of Mr. Butler, but Mr. Butler was the son of an earl. He had allowed Anne to return to Bath without offering her marriage. Yet now he was doing the honorable thing and marrying her after alla"but only because he must.
Poor Anne! What a dreadful thing it was for her to be facing a marriage in which her feelings were engaged when she would always know that his were not.
And it could so easily have happened to her too, Susanna thought, a chill about her heart even while the fire warmed her toes and her face.
Except that she would never have let Viscount Whitleaf know if she had shared Anneas fate. And she doubted he would have offered marriage even if she had.
Oh, but she did not know, did she, what she would have done if it really had happened. Or what he might have done if he had found out. Her knees turned weak at the thought of how close she had come to disaster.
Anne had not had her fortunate escape.
Susanna did not meet Mr. Butler until the day, two weeks later, when the wedding took place by special license in Claudiaas private sitting room. He had been badly maimed as a soldier during the Peninsular Warsa"he had lost an arm and an eye and was badly burned all down the right side of his face. He was also, as Anne had told Susanna on the evening after her return from Somerset, tall, dark, and handsome. Susanna told him so with a twinkle in her eye after the brief service, when Anne was already his wifea"but she said it only because it seemed to her that he was a good-humored man and she thought it altogether possible that he did care for Anne.
She hoped so. Oh, she hoped so.
And she tried very hard not to be enviousa"but how very foolish to even think of being envious when she had been pitying Anne so deeply for the past fortnight. Sometimes human emotions made no sense at all.
She did dare to hope, though, that Anne had found her happily-ever-after despite everything. It appeared that Mr. Butler was even going to be kind to David, though it was not equally obvious that David was going to take kindly to the existence in his life of a new stepfather.
Susanna and Claudia stood on the pavement outside the school after the small reception they had given for the newlyweds, waving the three of them on their way back to Wales.
aSusanna,a Claudia said as the carriage turned the corner onto Sutton Street and moved out of sight, aI expected that my heart would break today. But maybe it does not have to after all. What do you think?a aI believe,a Susanna said, athere is fondness on one side and honor on the othera"and even that would offer promise for the future. But I think there is also a little bit of love on both sides.a aAh,a Claudia said with a sigh, ait is my thought too. Let us hope we are right and not just a couple of hopeless romantics. Ah, Anne! I suppose we will not see her again for a long time. I do object to losing my friends, not to mention my teachers. I will have to look about for her replacement, though Lila is coming along quite nicely, would you not agree?a Lila Walton was a junior teacher, promoted at the end of the summer term from the ranks of the senior girls. Like Susanna before her, she had been a charity girl.
aShe shows great promise, as I knew she would,a Susanna agreed as Claudia linked an arm through hers and they stepped back inside the school.
But they were to see Anne again far sooner than Claudia had expected. She and Mr. Butler did not go directly home to Wales, as it turned out, but instead went first to Alvesley Park in Wiltshire, family home of Mr. Butler, and then to Gloucestershire to visit Anneas estranged family. The day after a letter arrived at the school from Anne at her fatheras home, another letter came from Viscountess Ravensberg at Alvesley Park. Claudia held it open in one hand when Susanna answered a summons to her study at the end of a composition cla.s.sa"a subject she had taken over from Frances two years before.
aThere is to be a surprise wedding breakfast for Anne and Mr. Butler at the Upper a.s.sembly Rooms next week,a Claudia said. aThe Viscountess Ravensberg and the d.u.c.h.ess of Bewcastle have arranged it and have devised some sort of devious plot for luring the couple back here. We are invited, as well as Mr. Huckerby and Mr. Upton.a They stared at each other. The strange coincidence of Mr. Butleras being a brother-in-law of Viscountess Ravensberg, cousin to Viscount Whitleaf, had not escaped Susannaas notice at the time of Anneas wedding. Now she would have an unexpected opportunity to meet the ladya"the very cousin, she believed, who had the same color eyes as he.
Certain wounds, healed over nicely but still tender to the touch, were going to be in danger of being ripped open again, she thought. She would just have to make very certain they were not.
Claudia was tight-lipped.
aYou know what this means, Susanna, do you not?a she said, folding the letter and tapping it against her leg. aIf the d.u.c.h.ess of Bewcastle has had a hand in organizing this breakfast, then undoubtedly the duke will be in attendance. And since Lady Potford on Great Pulteney Street is a friend of Anneas and grandmother to the Marquess of Hallmere, it is altogether possible that the marquess and that woman will come to Bath and be there too. I would rather have every fingernail on both my hands pulled out than be in company with those two people. But some things cannot be avoided. This is for Anne. I will go. You will come too?a She stood ramrod straight and spoke as if she were inviting Susanna to accompany her to a funeral.
aI will come and hold your hand,a Susanna promised.
Claudia snorted and then laughed.
aI do not suppose,a she said, athat either one of them will even recognize me or care if they do. Though Lady Hallmere did come here a few years ago to look down her nose at me and my school and ask if there was anything I needed. The nerve of the woman! But, Susanna, we will see our beloved Anne again after alla"and our dear David. I miss them both very much indeed.a aYes.a Susanna smiled. aWe will see them again.a And Viscountess Ravensberg.
How absurd to think that seeing her would somehow bring Viscount Whitleaf closer. Or that it would be a desirable thing even if it did.
Yes, that healed wound was very tender to the touch.
14.
The d.u.c.h.ess of Bewcastle had reserved the ballroom as well as the tearoom at the Upper a.s.sembly Rooms in Bath in order to give the children somewhere to run and be noisy while the adults conversed in civilized fashion over tea and listened to a few speeches. But she had engaged the services of an orchestra too, Peter discovered when he arrived early on the appointed afternoon with Lauren and Kit. After all, she explained with a laugh while the duke looked on with a supercilious air and incongruously fond silver eyes resting upon his lady, it would be a tragic thing indeed if the presence of the ballroom aroused in anyone a desire to dance but there was no music to make dancing possible.
aWhat you mean, Christine,a Bewcastle said, his long fingers curling about the handle of his quizzing gla.s.s and raising it halfway to his eye, ais that you are quite determined to dance if only Sydnam and Mrs. Butler can be persuaded to lead the way.a aYou know me all too well, Wulfric,a the d.u.c.h.ess said with a laugh.
Peter was looking forward to the social gathering with uncharacteristic unease. He probably ought not to have come. If he suddenly, after several months of inaction, felt it necessary to check on Susannaas healtha"marvelous euphemisma"then he ought to have done it by writing to her or calling at the school. He ought at the very least to have somehow let her know that he was going to be here today. He was almost certain that she was. Lauren had told him that four teachers were coming from the school as well as the former teacher who was now married to the Earl of Edgecombe.
And yet it struck Peter even as he entertained these troubled thoughts that the chance to meet Susanna again this afternoon ought to have been a cause of pleasure to both of them. They really had been friendsa"until the very end. How he kicked himself now for not having stayed in the drawing room with her that last afternoona"or for not taking Edgecombe up on his suggestion that he and the countess accompany them on their walk. Then they would have been meeting today with shared pleasure as friends who had not expected to see each other again so soon.
Other guests began to arrive. Peter was introduced to Mrs. Butleras parents and siblings and their spouses from Gloucestershire and to Lord and Lady Aidan Bedwyn, whom he had not met before. He hailed Lord and Lady Alleyne Bedwyn and a number of Kit and Sydnamas cousins, whom he had met on various occasions at Alvesley.
Normally he would have been in his element.
But his uneasiness was growing by the minute, and he found himself glancing at the door every few seconds instead of concentrating upon making himself agreeable to those with whom he conversed. A dozen or more times he thought about making his escape before it was too late, but escape might well be impossible, he realized as time went on. Even if he dashed out now, he had a long hall to traverse and a largish courtyard outside to cross before he could hope to slink out of sight of someone who would surely be arriving at any moment.
He wandered in the direction of the ballroom and forgot his woes for a while after Andrew and Sophia, two of Laurenas children, grabbed a hand each, dragged him triumphantly inside the large room, and demanded that he play with them. A whole host of other children gathered hopefully about him, and he proceeded to play Blind Manas Buff with them with a great deal of noise and energy and good humor.
It was only when he heard a loud burst of applause and even cheering coming from the tearoom that he realized the guests of honor must have arrived and that therefore all the other guests must now be gathered there too.
Even then he was tempted to slip out and hope no one would notice his absence.
But he would not add arrant cowardice to his other shortcomings, which were legion. He extricated himself from the childrenas game and went to stand in the shadowed half of the doorway into the tearoom so that he could peer cautiously about him.
Like a thief in the night, he thought with some disgust.
Sydnam Butler and a lady dressed in rose pink, who was presumably his bride, stood in a pool of red rose petals inside the door at the far side of the room, looking startled and bewildered. The d.u.c.h.ess of Bewcastle was clapping her hands for silence.
aWell, Mr. and Mrs. Butler,a she said, her voice warm and cheerful, ayou may have thought yourselves very clever indeed when you married in great secrecy a few weeks ago. But your relatives and friends have caught up with you after all. Welcome to your wedding breakfast.a The children, without the distraction of an adult to play with them in the ballroom, had left it and were streaming past Peter to see what all the fuss was about. They were soon adding to the cheerful mayhem that ensued for a few minutes while everyone attempted to get close to the bride and groom and pump the hand of the one and kiss the cheek of the other.
But Peter, still and silent in the doorway, took no part in the collective merriment.
He had seen her.
She was dressed neatly in pale blue, her short curls vibrantly auburn in contrast. She was bending down to hug a little boy who, he guessed, must be Mrs. Butleras son, and then she was reaching for Mrs. Butler herself and holding her in a close embrace for several seconds. She was laughing and tearful and bright-eyed and dazzling.
For several moments he simply gazed at her, his reluctance to see her again vanished without a trace. By Jove, he had missed her. He drank in the sight of her, more lovely and more vibrant than any other lady he had ever met.
She stepped aside so that the ladies with hera"the Countess of Edgecombe and a brown-haired, severe-looking though not unhandsome woman who was probably Miss Martina"could take their turns greeting the bride. Susanna was waiting to pay her respects to Butler and was looking around at the other guests as she did so with bright, happy eyes.
And then those same eyes met his across the rooma"and her smile froze and then died altogether.
Peter was instantly conscious of himself againa"and of the dashed uncomfortable fact that he had ruined her, made her a dishonorable offer, and left her without a backward glance, all within the s.p.a.ce of one afternoon. And that now he was reappearing in her life without any warning and at just the time when she was celebrating the marriage of her friend.
He really ought not to have come, he thought again.
But dash it all, it was too late now to go away.
He strode purposefully across the room, intending to speak with her. But Lauren, flushed and animated, caught his arm as he approached, linking her own through it, led him up to the newlyweds, and proceeded to introduce him to Mrs. Butler, who was, he discovered, very lovely indeed. He bowed over her hand and raised it to his lips. He shook Sydnamas left hand with his left and wished him well. Then he shook the boyas handa"he was David Jewella"and winked and grinned at him.
aIf you want to make your escape anytime soon,a he said, ayou will doubtless find hordes of other young people in the ballrooma"once they have found their way back there.a The boy smiled back.
aDo come and sit at our table, Peter,a Lauren said as order began to replace the cheerful chaos of the past several minutes and the children made their way back to the ballroom rather than be caught up in the tedium of an adult tea party.
aI will, thank you, Lauren,a he said, abut there is someone to whom I must pay my respects first.a Before he could delay too long and set up a greater awkwardness than he already felt, he strode over to the table where Susanna sat with Edgecombe and the countess, Lord and Lady Aidan Bedwyn, the unknown severe-looking lady, and the d.u.c.h.essas sister, Miss Thompson.
aWhitleaf,a Edgecombe said, standing to shake hands with him. aGood to see you again.a aBut of course,a the countess said, smiling at him, ayou are related to Lady Ravensberg, are you not? It is a pleasure to see you again, Lord Whitleaf.a And yet there was a hint of something in her tone that suggested she was not entirely pleased. Or perhaps his conscience was just playing tricks on him.
He bowed to her and to Miss Thompson, who must have arrived with her mother after he went into the ballroom, and turned his eyes on Susanna.
aMiss...o...b..urne?a he said. aI trust you are well?a aYes, thank you,a she said with perfect composure and a polite smile on her facea"as if they had never lain together on a secluded hill above the river at Barclay Court. aAnd you, my lord?a aQuite well,a he said, athank you.a Good Lord, where was his a.r.s.enal of small talk when he most needed it? But perhaps it was as well it had deserted him utterly, or he might have found himself saying something totally asinine like great beauty having to be a prerequisite for a teaching position at Miss Martinas School for Girls. He had the feeling that present company would not be at all amused by such a compliment.
aMy lord,a Susanna said before he could make his escape to his own table, amay I present Miss Martin, owner of the school where I teach? This is Viscount Whitleaf, Claudia. He was staying not far from Barclay Court while I was a guest there.a The severe-looking stranger whose ident.i.ty he had guessed earlier inclined her head while he bowed and favored her with his most charming smile.
aMaaam,a he said. aThis is a pleasure I have long desired.a They were only mildly extravagant words, but looking into her unsmiling gray eyes, he felt suddenly stripped naked. Not in any physical way, it was true, but he felt as if every layer of artifice were being stripped away and she was recognizing him for the shallow fribble that he was. He wondered if Susanna had told her anything about him.
aHow do you do, Lord Whitleaf,a she said.
He retreated in reasonably good order after that and sat with his back to their table while he took tea and conversed with all around him and listened to the few speeches and toasts that followed it. He would have enjoyed the afternoon, he knew, if there had not been those few minutes of uncharacteristic gaucherie to bother him. And if he could have convinced himself that he had any business being here.
He knew she was not pleased to see him.
aYou may all expect,a Sydnam Butler was saying to the whole gathering after commenting on the surprise of finding so many guests awaiting them here, athat Anne and I will put our heads together over the winter when there is nothing else to do and devise a suitable revenge.a Peter joined in the general laughter.
And then, soon after the speeches and toasts were at an end, his ears sharpened to something Hallmere was saying at the next table.
aIt was just here that we waltzed for the first time, Freyja,a he said. aDo you remember?a Peter had been wondering how Susanna felt to be in the same room with Lady Hallmere, who had once refused to give her employment as her maid and who had perhaps been responsible for sending her to Bath as a charity pupil in Miss Martinas school. And he had been wondering if Lady Hallmere remembered her.
But the lady was speaking.
aHow could I forget?a she said. aIt was while we waltzed that you begged me to enter into a fake betrothal with you, and before we knew it we were in a marriage togethera"but not a fake one at all.a They both laugheda"as did everyone else at their table and a few at Peteras.
Kit had certainly heard the exchange.