aOh, no,a she said. aAll good things must come to an end, and it is time to go back. It is just that this has been the loveliest holiday I have ever spent, and there is a certain sadness in knowing that it is all but over.a aHas it been made lovelier by the fact that I have been here?a he asked her.
Again it was the sort of question he would ask when flirting with a womana"and he would smile and she would smile, and they would both know he meant nothing by it. But Susanna Osbourne was giving serious consideration to the question, and he waited for her answer as if it were somehow important to him.
aYes,a she said softly. aI have valued our friendship.a She was, he noticed, already referring to it almost in the past tense. Soon it would be fully in the pasta"it was very unlikely that they would meet again after they left here. He never went to Bath, and she almost never left it.
aFriendship,a he repeated softly, bending his head closer to hers. aIt does not seem a strong enough word, does it? Are we not a little more than just friends?a And what the devil did he mean by that? But unfortunately it was only later that he thought to ask himself the question. At present he was caught up in an uncharacteristic moment of seriousness and sincerity.
aOh, donat say so,a she cried, and he could hear distress in her voice. aPlease donat say so. Donat spoil what we have shared. Donat flirt with me.a Oh, good Lord!
aFlirtation is the farthest thing from my mind,a he a.s.sured her.
Yet if it was not flirtation, what was it exactly? He had the dizzying feeling that he had inadvertently steered his boat into uncharted waters.
And then, because he had tipped his head downward and she had not moved, their foreheads touched. He closed his eyes and did not move. Neither did she.
He felt a sudden, deep melancholy again, even worse than he had felt yesterday after their walk to the waterfall.
He opened his eyes, moved his head slightly, and brushed his lips over hers.
But only for a brief, mad moment before lifting his head and gazing off toward the church. Their hands were still clasped tightly, he realized.
He was aware of her ragged breathing for a few moments and had a ghastly thought. That was probablya"no, undoubtedlya"her first kiss. And yet it hardly qualified for the name. But he could not now make the occasion more memorable for her by returning his lips to hers and doing the deed more thoroughly and more expertly.
It would be the very worst thing he could do.
He ought not to have kissed her at all.
He just did not go about toying with the sensibilities of innocent young schoolteachers. Or with his own for that matter.
Good Lord, they were just friends. Just friends!
aI think,a she said softly, awe ought to go back to the inn, Lord Whitleaf. I see that people are coming out, and I cannot hear music any longer.a He ought to apologize, dash it all. But that would draw attention to what had not really been a kiss at all.
He could still feel the shock of her warm, soft mouth against his.
Dash it all, why had he not listened to her when she told him over a week ago that a friendship was impossible between a man and a woman? He had used the example of Edgecombe and the countess to prove her wrong. But he had failed to consider the fact that they were lovers as well as friends.
A single man and a single woman could not be both.
Nor could they be just friends, it seemed. The devil of it was that he wanted hera"s.e.xually. And it simply would not do.
aI will escort you,a he said, vastly relieved that the a.s.sembly had ended in time to avert further indiscretions.
Edgecombe and the countess were waiting outside their carriage. Other people and carriages and horses milled about them in high-spirited disorder as everyone called good night to everyone else.
Peter smiled and looked cheerfully about him.
aMiss...o...b..urne and I have been wiser than all of you,a he called as they approached the crowd. aWe have been strolling quietly out here and enjoying the cool air.a She too, he saw when he glanced down at her, was smiling brightly.
aFrances,a she said, athis has been a lovely evening, has it not? Thank you so much for bringing me.a Edgecombe smiled kindly down at her while offering his hand to help her into their carriage, the countess bade Peter a good night before climbing in after her, Edgecombe vaulted in behind, and within moments their coachman was maneuvering the carriage out of the crowd.
Peter heaved a silent sigh of relief as he lifted a hand in farewell and then gave his attention to Miss Raycroft, who had grasped his arm and was prattling excitedly to him about the delights of the evening.
But he was only half listening to her.
What you need is a dragon to slay, she had said while they were still inside the refreshment room.
What you need is a dragon to slay.
When Frances tapped on the door of Susannaas bedchamber, Susanna mumbled something that was certainly not come in, but she must not have spoken clearly enough. Frances turned the k.n.o.b, opened the door a crack, and peered around it.
aOh, you are still up,a she said, opening it wider when she saw in the light of a single candle burning on the dressing table that Susanna was standing by the window. aI thought you might welcome someone with whom to mull over your first-ever ball. You were very quiet on the way home after saying it was a lovely evening. A lovely evening, Susanna? Is that all? Lucius said you were probably too shy with him to talk volumes. But now I have left him in our bedchamber, and it is just you and I.a She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.
aOh,a Susanna said brightly as she busied herself with closing the curtains and realized even as she did so that now she would have no excuse not to turn around, ait was all very pleasant, was it not?a aNow it is only pleasant? And lovely too? Is that not d.a.m.ning the evening with faint praise?a Frances laughed softly. And then she fell silent as her friend fussed with the fall of the curtains. aSusanna? You are not crying, are you?a aNo, of course I am not,a Susanna protested. But her brief words ended on an ignominious squeak.
aYou are. Oh, you poor dear!a Frances exclaimed, hurrying across the room toward her. aWhatever happened?a Susanna laughed shakily and fumbled in the pocket of her night robe for her handkerchief as she turned. Frances too, she saw, had undressed, ready for bed. She was wearing a long, flowing dark blue dressing gown, and her dark hair lay loose down her back.
aI feel very foolish at getting caught being a watering pot,a Susanna said after blowing her nose, aespecially on such an inappropriate occasion. They are not tears of grief, I do a.s.sure you. Quite the contrary. It really was a wonderful, wonderful evening, was it not? Iall remember it all my life. I danced every set but two. It was all quite beyond my wildest dreams. And even one of those two I could have danced. Mr. Finn offered to lead me out, but Miss Honeydew was feeling a little faint and I took her to the refreshment room instead. And during the last set Viscount Whitleaf and I strolled outside where it was cool rather than dance.a She went and sat on the bed and, when Frances took the chair beside the dressing table, she drew up her legs so that she could hug her knees, and tucked the folds of her robe about her feet.
aAh, this feels just like old times,a Frances said with a smile. aI still miss you and the others, you know, and life at school and those times when two or more of us would sit up talking far too late into the night. Which is not to say I would give up my present life to return there, butaWell, even happy choices involve some sacrifice. And most of us, I suppose, would like to both have our cake and eat it if only it were possible.a aDid you enjoy the evening?a Susanna asked.
aOf course I did,a Frances said. aI always enjoy a local a.s.sembly better than any grand ball. And this one was made special by the fact that you were there and that you had a number of agreeable partners. And that there was a waltz and I was able to dance it with Lucius and see that you were dancing it too. Yes, it was all quite nearly perfect.a aI will have a great deal to tell when I return to Bath,a Susanna said. aAmong a dizzying number of other things, I will be able to tell Claudia and Annea"and Mr. Huckerbya"that I actually waltzed at a real balla"or at a real a.s.sembly anywaya"and with no less a personage than a viscount. Not quite a duke, perhaps, but close enough.a She had always made a joke with her friends of her determination to snare a duke one day. She smiled and then rested her forehead on her up-drawn knees.
aIt is lovelier than any other dance,a Frances said with a sigh. aIt is soaoh, romantic.a aYes.a Susanna closed her eyes and remembered the glorious wonder of it. It had seemed to her that she had almost floated over the boards beneath her feet without actually touching them. It had seemed as if waltzing and her dream of flying free had become one and the same. Except that waltzing had not been done alone, but with a man who had held her in the circle of his arms and smelled of musk cologne and masculinity. For the s.p.a.ce of that one set of dances dream and reality had touched and merged and she had known complete happinessa"one of those rare interludes in any life.
It had been sheer magic.
She would always remembera"half with wonder, half with a sort of pain. For a while, she feared, the pain might outweigh the wonder.
And then, quite unexpectedly and ignominiously, the tears were back and soaking into her robe and she uttered a quite audible hiccough as she tried to control them.
aOh, goodness,a she said, fumbling in her pocket for her handkerchief and managing to produce a shaky laugh, awhat an idiot you will think me.a There was a brief but disconcerting silence.
aSusanna,a Frances said then, ayou have not fallen in love with Viscount Whitleaf, have you?a Susanna jerked her head upward and gazed horrified at her friend, wet, reddened eyes and all.
aNo!a she exclaimed. aOh, no, Frances, of course I have not. Whatever put such a silly notion into your head?a But the trouble was that her tears seemed to be beyond her control tonight. Her eyes filled again, and she felt two tears spill over onto her cheeks. She mopped at them hastily with her handkerchief and held it to her eyes.
aAh, my poor dear,a Frances said softly.
aBut you are quite wide of the mark. Oh, this is very silly of me,a Susanna wailed. aI am not in love with him, Frances. Truly I am not. But I do like him exceedingly well, you see. We have even become friends during these two weeks. And tonight I waltzed with him. But now that the a.s.sembly is all over, I cannot help remembering that the holiday is almost over, that within a few days I will be returning to Bath. Donat mistake mea"I look forward to going back. It is my home and my other friends are there. And the prospect of a new teaching year with some new girls and the return of the old is always exhilarating. But just at the moment I am contemplating the sadness of saying good-bye to you and Lord Edgecombe and everyone else here.a aIncluding Viscount Whitleaf,a Frances said softly.
aYes.a Susanna smiled wanly as she put her handkerchief away again. aIncluding him.a aBut he is just a friend?a Frances asked, frowning, her eyes looking troubled even in the candlelight.
aYes,a Susanna a.s.sured her, making her smile brighter. aOf course that is all he is, you silly goose.a Friends do not kiss.
He had kissed her under the elm outside the church. Or was it pathetic to call that brief brushing of lips a kiss? She knew, though, that she would remember it for the rest of her life as a kissa"her first and doubtless her last.
Friends do not kiss.
But they were friends.
There was nothing else between them but friendship, in fact.
She did not want there to be anything else.
There could be nothing else.
She rested her forehead on her knees again.
aSusanna.a Frances had got up from her chair and come to sit on the side of the bed. She set a hand between her friendas shoulder blades and patted her back gently. aI am so sorry. I am so sorry.a Susanna concentrated upon taking deep, steadying breaths and holding the tears at bay. She had never been a weeper. Tonightas tears were quite uncharacteristic of her.
aHe is just a friend,a she said when she could be sure her voice would be reasonably steady. aBut friends can become very dear, Frances. My heart would break if I had to say good-bye to you or Anne or Claudia and knew it would be forever.a aYour heart is breaking, then?a Frances asked.
aNo. Oh, no, of course not,a Susanna said. aIt is just a figure of speech. I will be sad when this fortnight is over. Very sad. And also grateful for the many happy memories. But it is not even quite over, is it? There are three more days to enjoy.a aI feel so very helpless,a Frances said after a minute or two of silence. aI feel absolutely wretched for you, Susanna. But I do not know what to say or what comfort to offer.a It was obvious that Frances did not believe any of her protestations concerning Viscount Whitleaf. And because Susanna did indeed feel miserable about having to say good-bye to hima"though truly they were only friendsa"she bowed her head and said nothing for a minute or two longer.
aYou have been a comfort to me just by being here,a she said firmly at last, getting off the bed to stand beside it. aBy being a friend. It was a lovely evening, Francesa"the most wonderful of my life, and it has been a lovely holiday. You must forgive me, please, for shedding a few sentimental tears because it is almost all over. Now, do go back to Lord Edgecombe. I need my beauty sleep even if you do not.a Frances took her hands and squeezed them, kissing her on the cheek as she did so.
aThatas my girl,a she said. aThatas my brave Susanna. Good night, then. I do hope you will sleep well.a Susanna folded back the bedcovers as soon as she was alone, snuffed the candle, and climbed into bed. She pulled the sheet up to her chin and closed her eyes.
And was again waltzing with him.
And sharing dreams with him in the refreshment room and strolling with him in the fresh air outside, her arm linked through his, their hands clasped, their fingers laced together.
And again she was reliving that brief kiss.
In three daysa time she was going to be saying good-bye to him.
Her dear, dear friend.
Which was really a very foolish way of thinking about him when she had known him for less than two weeks and had not spent much longer than half an hour with him during any of those days. And when he was Viscount Whitleaf of all people.
Friendship. It does not seem a strong enough word, does it? Are we not a little more than just friends?
She could hear him speak those wordsa"just before he touched his forehead to hers and then kissed her.
But she did not want to remember those wordsa"or that kiss. She did not want to believe that they were anything more than friends. There would be just too much pain to bear ifa She turned over onto her side and slid one hand beneath the pillow. She drew up her knees and tucked the sheet beneath her chin.
Once more she was twirling about the dance floor, enclosed in his arms and music and magic.
Once more she was feeling his lips touch hers.
10.
Peter could not think back upon the last hour or so of the a.s.sembly with any great pleasure.
He remembered it with considerable discomfort, in fact.
He had broken several of his own strict self-imposed rules.
He had waltzed with Susanna Osbourne and then had supper with hera"tte--tte when he might have joined other people at one of the larger tablesa"and then gone walking outside with her, also tte--tte. He had spent at least an hour exclusively with hera"more than twice as long as he ever allowed himself to spend alone with any lady who was not his sister.
He had not even been content to draw her arm through his as they walked. He had also held her handa"and actually laced his fingers with hers. It had bordered very closely on impropriety. No, actually it had slipped beyond the border. Well beyond.
And thena"the pice de rsistance of atypical behavior for hima"he had kissed her. Honesty compelled him to admit that that brief meeting of lips could be called nothing less than a kiss.
It was all enough to make him break out in a cold sweata"because of course he could not simply obliterate the memories. On the contrary. They kept poking accusing fingers into his conscious thoughts.
He had trifled with her feelings. It was all very well to try telling himself that it was of no real significance, that he would forget within a week. Perhaps he would. But he also knew very wella"good Lord, he had five sistersa"that women remembered such things far longer than men did and set far more store by them.
He had always been aware of that, and he had always respected feminine sensibilitiesa"except perhaps on one memorable occasion. And except on the evening of the a.s.sembly.
He had the uneasy feeling that Susanna Osbourne might just possibly be more hurt when they said the inevitable good-bye than she would otherwise have been.
Which was perhaps a conceited thought, he was willing to admit, but even so, she was the last person he would ever want to hurt.
And the worst of ita"surely the very worst of ita"was that that wretched apology for a kiss had surely been her first.
Dash it all, he was not proud of himself. He was downright ashamed if the truth were told.
And of course he could not court her even if he wanted to, which he did nota"he liked her, that was all. There was an insurmountable gap between them socially.
Such differences ought not to matter, but of course they did. He lived in a society in which t.i.tled gentlemen were expected to choose brides from their own select upper circles. And there were sensible reasons for such exclusivity beyond simple sn.o.bbery. The wives of t.i.tled men had duties to perform for which their upbringing must have prepared them, and they had social obligations in the fulfillment of which they must be adept and comfortable.
It all sounded like weak enough reasoning when verbalized in his mind, but really it was not. It was all part of the fabric of society with which he had grown up and in which he had lived since his majority.
There was only one thing for it, he decided during the largely sleepless night that followed the a.s.sembly. He must keep his distance from Miss Susanna Osbourne for the three days that remained of her stay in Somerseta"he was to leave the day after her. He must prevent himself from saying or doing anything that he might regret. Or anything else, anyway.
It was an eminently sensible resolve, and he kept it for two days. On the first, he was invited with the Raycrofts and a number of other neighbors to dine at Barclay Court and play charades and cards afterward. He did not ignore Susanna Osbournea"how could he? She was on the opposing team to his at charades, and she threw herself into the game with much the same energy and enthusiasm she had demonstrated at the boat races. She fairly sparkled with exuberant high spirits and made him believea"to his reliefa"that he must not have seriously upset her on the night of the a.s.sembly after all. He certainly did not ignore her or avoid her. He spoke with her and laughed with her and competed against her. But they did it all in the setting of the larger group and spent not even a minute alone together.
The following day, as the result of a suggestion made by Miss Moss at the Barclay Court dinner, a large party of young people drove into Taunton in four carriages for a look around the shops and a picnic on the banks of the River Thone. Peter deliberately did not ride in the same carriage as Susanna Osbourne, and though they were often close enough during the few hours in Taunton to exchange a few remarks and smiles, they were never alone together.
And then on the third day he awoke with a start at least an hour earlier than usual to the almost panicked realization that this was her last day at Barclay Court, and that they had wasted two whole days when with a little ingenuity they might have contrived to spend some time enjoying each otheras exclusive company.
Dash it, he wished he had not kissed her. Or walked along the village street with her, their hands clasped, their fingers laced together.
It would be altogether wiser, he decided as he made his way down to breakfast some time later, to avoid being alone with her for one more day. Tomorrow she would be gone, and he would be getting ready to leave.
Raycroft and his sister, he discovered at breakfast, were going to walk over to Barclay Court during the morning to bid farewell to Miss...o...b..urne. They were to call for the Calvert sisters on their way.
aYou simply must come with us, Lord Whitleaf,a Miss Raycroft said. aIs it not sad that Miss...o...b..urne will be leaving so soon?a Going with them would present him with the perfect opportunity to do the polite thinga"take his own leave of hera"but to do it from within the safety of a largish group. Yes, it would be eminently sensible. And he would have the congenial company of four young ladies for the walk to Barclay Court and back again.
But when he opened his mouth to reply, the words he spoke were not the ones he had intended to say.