She doesn"t say anything, but I can hear soft crying sounds.
"It was positive, wasn"t it?" Something deep inside me clenches hard against the pain that"s cutting into my heart. "I"m a carrier."
"We"ll go see a genetic counselor when you get home." She takes a deep breath, tries to control her voice. "I didn"t want to tell you like this."
"Okay. Is there anything else I should know?"
"Don"t let this news ruin your trip. Forget about it and have a great time. We"ll deal with it when you"re back. The doctors wanted you to go on the pill right away, but I told them we didn"t have to worry about that. I"m proud of you, honey."
"Thanks, Mom."
"I love you. I"m sorry. I"m so-so-sorry." She"s crying again.
"I love you, too." My voice cracks on the last word. The phone goes dead. My eyes sting. I figure I have about two minutes before I fall apart. No way can I go back to pizza. And calm, cool, beautiful Derek.
There are yellow stripes on the road in front of me. Crosswalk. Good. I step into it. A car slams on its brakes. I jump. I"d be dead in Detroit, but the Swiss stop. I look up at the leathered face of an old Swiss man, raise my hand to thank him. He smiles and waves back. A lump grows in my throat.
Now traffic is stopped for me, going both ways. I hurry across, pa.s.s paddleboats and a place selling ice-cream cones and soda, walk down to the lake. There"s a ferry terminal on my right. Big trees. Benches. I find one that"s mostly hidden behind a fat tree trunk and bushes.
I sit down, try to get a grip. The lake is a mirror today. Really blue. The sky, too. A few fluffy clouds and sunshine. Mountains, blue in the distance with white jagged peaks, rise up on the other side. It"s so serene. I can"t look at it. I need clouds. Driving rain. Crashing waves. The beauty of this place mocks me, screams Da-amn ugly back in my face.
I almost escaped him. Almost escaped all of them. Every guy who"s ever called me a beast. I"d started letting myself hope I had a shot at something like a normal life. A relationship. Marriage. A family. I"d resigned myself to that blind guy when I was forty, but this new facade transformed my fantasies.
Look at Derek. Even Scott.
c.r.a.p. At the prom, Colby hit on me.
Somebody could love me. I"m not repulsive anymore. Meadow"s painful intervention gave me that gift. Kind of amazing.
This death sentence on my unborn slams the door shut. Natural selection wins. I am the Beast. Who could love that? The risks are way too high.
Maybe I can get them to rip it out of me-all of it. Everything that makes me a woman, that makes me yearn to love somebody, everything that makes me cry right now for babies that will never be.
Empty.
G.o.d, take all these feelings,
Let me just be
A sh.e.l.l
Alone on the seash.o.r.e
While life swells around me.
Soft tiny fingers,
That sweet baby smell,
Still the dream lingers.
Please, take me from this new h.e.l.l-
Tears slide down my face. I wipe at them, angry. He shouldn"t have the power to make me cry. My father is a faraway shadow. I never even knew him.
Hot liquid pours out of my nose. Gross. I bury my face in my purse.
Somebody sits down on my bench, hands me a packet of tissues.
Derek.
"Thank you," I whisper, rip out a soft white tissue, and wipe my nose. I try to hand the package back to him.
"Keep it. I"ve got a suitcase full."
I clutch the package, fumble to open it up again.
"Bad news?"
"Kind of." I get out another tissue and sop my face.
"I"m sorry."
He sounds sincere. I want him to be-desperately need him to be. "Thanks for finding me."
He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I was watching you. I can"t stop watching you, Beth." He"s rubbing my back now-like you would a hurt child. "I could tell the call didn"t end well."
I close my eyes. The tears are coming back.
"Is your family all right?"
I nod, swallow hard. "I had some tests done right before we left. My mom got the results."
His hand stops moving. "You"re not sick, are you?"
I shake my head.
"You"re not going to die on me?"
"Why do you care?"
"I"m sorry. Do you want me to go?"
"No." I sit up and stare at the lake, try to get a grip. "I can"t have kids." Saying it out loud, to this velvet boy, makes it real, seals my fate. I break apart, can"t stop it-even with Derek watching.
"Come here." He puts both arms around me, tucks my face to his shoulder, and holds me. The sobs win.
He whispers soothing stuff, hums a tune I"ve never heard, and rocks me back and forth. Never once does he say, "It"s okay." You could love a guy like that. Easy.
I finally get control. His shoulder is wet under my face. I raise up a little. "c.r.a.p. I made a mess of your shirt."
"I have four more just like it."
"Your pasta will be cold."
"I like cold pasta."
I manage a smile. My lower lip shakes. "I"m sorry." I smooth the wet spot on his chest.
He presses my head back down. "I"m not."
"I must look awful."
"I"m not looking."
"I guess you can let me go now."
"Do I have to?"
"No." My throat aches like the tears are going to start again. "If you don"t mind, it helps."
"Good." His lips brush my forehead.
"Derek?"
Now he"s kissing my temple.
"I don"t really know you." Is he taking advantage of me or does he know this is exactly what I need?
His mouth drifts across my face. "Sure you do."
I close my eyes-can"t breathe.
His mouth finds mine. He kisses me, soft and tender, whispers, "Does this help, too?" And kisses me again. "I"ve been dreaming about this for weeks-since we chatted." His lips caress and soothe as much as his hands did. "You"ve got me in some kind of spell. Am I rushing you?"
"I think-" My eyes drift open. "I want to be rushed."
That brings his kiss back. My lips move against its soft touch.
"You"re beautiful, Beth," he breathes into my ear.
"Don"t say that. Not today. If you knew the real me-inside."
He takes my face in both of his hands. "What-you"re an ax murderer?"
That distracts me into half of a smile. "How"d you guess?"
"I knew it." He bites my lower lip and tugs on it. "I love dangerous women."
His kissing gets faster, more intense.
I pull back.
"Rushing?" He touches my face, kisses me slow and soothing again. "Are you feeling any better?"
I put my hand over his and whisper, "Don"t stop. It"s amazing therapy."
"For me, too."