He turns his back to me again. I slide down the bench to him and kiss the back of his neck. I lift his shirt from behind, try to slip it over his head.
"Knock it off." He gasps as if he can"t breathe and tears out of my grasp, gets up, and walks over to the edge of the lake.
I go after him, wrap myself around him from behind and chew his ear.
He turns around and pushes me away. "I told you-this isn"t about s.e.x."
"Maybe it could be." That doesn"t come out how I wanted it to sound-sultry and inviting. I sound scared. Pleading. Desperate.
He turns and can"t keep his eyes from drifting down my shirt, pulls me close, puts his face on my chest, murmurs, "And you"ve got condoms in your purse?"
"No." I groan. "I"m not a-I mean, I don"t . . ."
He lifts his face, his eyes lock onto mine. "Exactly."
"You don"t carry-I mean," I"m not ready to give up, "shouldn"t you be prepared?"
He lets me go. "No. I"m prepared to control myself."
"But . . ."
He"s looking down my blouse again, practically shaking. "You"re not making it very easy."
"What if I never see you again?" I choke on the words. "What if this isn"t real? That I wake up tomorrow, and you"ve evaporated out of my life? I don"t want it to be too late."
"Evaporate?" He tears his eyes away from my cleavage. "You"ve got my email, my cell." We exchanged on our way home from the ropes. "You already know me online. What more do you want?"
That seems kind of obvious, but I don"t answer. Red-hot embarra.s.sment catches up with me. "I"m sorry." I fumble around with my b.u.t.tons. They came undone so easy. Now my fingers are sweaty and awkward. "I"m so stupid when it comes to this stuff."
"It messes you up, Beth. It"d mess us up. I won"t treat you like that. I"ve been there, babe, trust me." He brushes my hands away, b.u.t.tons me up. His fingers are trembling, too.
I"m such a fool. Maybe it would have gotten to a point where I got uncomfortable and tried to stop him, but there was absolutely no resistance in me. If he hadn"t stopped- c.r.a.p. Shouldn"t I not want to give in to him? Isn"t it supposed to be the guy who wants s.e.x?
Respect. Have I lost that? "So now we know. I"m a s.l.u.t." He"s right. It isn"t what I want.
"It was my fault, Beth. You"re a nice girl."
"I wanted to feel you touching me." I look down at the dark water softly lapping the rocks. "Still do."
Derek clears his throat, puts his arm around me. "I don"t think that"s s.l.u.tty. That"s how you"re supposed to feel when you love someone."
Love? He said "love."
"Acting on it, though." He leans over and kisses my cheek. "That"s trouble."
"Especially when we"re dealing with my DNA." Guess I need to get a backbone or carry protection.
"I know what you mean." He"s sweet not to dwell on it. Not to force me to examine all the nitty-gritty details.
He takes my hand, and we walk toward our statue. The clouds have dropped low enough to obscure the lights across the lake. A cool breeze wafts around us. It feels good. I"m so hot.
I want to get Derek back on the topic of love, but I don"t know how. He dropped it so casual. Maybe he didn"t mean it. I"m aching to hear it again. I realize that before I let him go tonight, I need some words. I want him to tell me he"s my boyfriend. That I"m his girlfriend. Not some chick touring China. All the email addresses and cell numbers in the world mean nothing if he"s not really mine. But that"s not what I say. I get really, really stupid.
"This afternoon you were going to tell me something."
"It"s not important." He pushes his dark hair out of his eyes. His forehead is wrinkled with concern that I can"t fathom.
"You said it wasn"t fair."
"It isn"t."
"Then Meadow"s right. You have a girlfriend in the AYS? That"s why you won"t-"
"Had a girlfriend." He turns and leads me back to our bench. "Let"s not waste tonight like this."
I stop walking. "You"re not going back home to her?"
"She didn"t like my obsession with you."
My eyebrows draw together. "You broke up over me-before we even met?"
"What kind of creep do you think I am?" He walks away from me.
I hurry after him. "All guys-"
"That"s stupid." He takes my hand. His voice loses its edge. "You know me. Do you think I"d be going after you like this if I had a girlfriend? Even if she is in China. You must have dated a bunch of jerks."
"Dated? No."
"I"m not like that."
We get to our bench. "But if it"s not about s.e.x, why are you going after me?" I sit down, bring my legs up on the seat, and wrap my arms around my knees.
Derek settles next to me. "I"m addicted." I tense when he says that word, but he doesn"t notice. "I can"t get you out of my head. First it was your voice. My ex saw it before I did and dumped me. Then I met you-"
"You like the pretty wrappings? It"s all fake. Everything you see-hair, face, eyes, clothes-even my teeth."
"Your voice isn"t fake. And your lips," he barely brushes them with his, "feel incredibly real."
I freeze, hoping he"ll kiss me again, but he puts his head on my shoulder like that little boy we joked about. "I like your heart, Beth. When I found you on this bench, you opened it and swallowed me."
I stroke his hair.
"I like that you have no clue how good you are, how gorgeous you are, how fresh and open you are."
He"s so convincing. I almost like myself. But then I say something that reminds me I"m the Beast. "That Amabile girl, did you sleep with her?"
"No. And we went out a long time."
"Do you regret-"
"No. Listen, Beth. I"m not going to pretend it"s going to be easy when we get back home. You"ve got your choir. I"ve got mine. We do a ton of gigs, and we"re getting more and more sponsors. I have to spend a lot of time-" He pauses, searching for words.
"What?" Shooting up? Snorting? Popping pills? No, Derek. You don"t need time for that.
"-With my family."
I don"t believe him. He knows it.
He bends his forehead to touch mine. "I"ve got stuff going on back home that-please-I never want it to touch us. I want something pure, untainted. Be that for me, Beth." The agony in his voice cuts into my heart.
I sit up and hold him. "Of course, of course. I"m sorry. Of course." It"s my turn to soothe, my turn to rock. I hum my solo and sway gently.
Something awful has him. He"s running away as much as I am. I should leave right now, but then I would be the Beast. He needs me. I"m here. No way am I letting go of this. I kiss his hair and sing, Oh, the glory of that bright day
When I cross the river Jordan.
The angels playing banjo
And the good Lord on the fiddle.
He starts to cough.
I stop singing and place the back of my hand on his forehead. "Are you coming down with something?"
He doesn"t jerk away this time. "Only you." He tips his head so he can kiss my palm.
I pull him to his feet. "I should walk you home tonight."
"I"m just whipped from this afternoon." He steers me in the direction of the Mermaid.
"You"re still not telling me what you and Blake are doing tomorrow?"
"Cla.s.sified."
We cross the street to the hotel. Great. Leah and Meadow are sitting on the steps. I don"t want to kiss Derek good-bye with them watching. If we"re alone, he might slip up and use "love" again.
They jump up and run at us. "Thank goodness you"re here."
"What?"
Meadow glares at Derek. "Sarah"s AWOL with Blake."
Derek curses. "He was going to the bars."
Leah nods. "We got a weird call from her. She was definitely drunk. Didn"t make a lot of sense. Told us not to wait up."
Meadow puts her hands on her hips. "She"s a big girl. She can do what she wants, but she"s got to get back here before our wake-up call. If they"re in your room-"
"In our room?" Derek gets upset. "She can"t go in our room." He realizes how weird that sounds. "Amabile rules. Besides, I"ve got the key. I"ll go find them."
I don"t let go of Derek. "I should come with you."
"No." He squeezes my hand and lets it go. "Stay here in case she shows up."
He flags a pa.s.sing taxi and is gone.
I sit down on the steps, resign myself to worry. Stupid Sarah. Stupid Beth. Stupid, stupid me. Poor Derek. He has to save everyone tonight.
Half an hour later a taxi pulls up to the Mermaid. Derek gets out. I jump up. "You found her?"
"She"s in rough shape. I need some help." He opens the door. Sarah was leaning heavy against it. I catch her before she kisses the pavement. Derek helps me lift the rest of her out and stand her up.
I look at him over Sarah"s head. "Thank you."
"Blake"s a good guy most of the time. Not when he drinks, though."
"I don"t mean this."
He gets what I"m saying. "Don"t mention it."
"Where"s Blake?" Sarah puts her face into Derek"s. "You"re not Blake." She stumbles from Derek to me. "I promised Blake tonight."
Derek lets go of her. "Blake was even more soused than she is. He was trying to unlock the door with his car keys. At least they didn"t do it in the hall. Can you girls manage her from here?"
"Yeah. You better get back. Kick Blake in the shins for us, okay?"
"He threw up and pa.s.sed out in it on the washroom floor."
"Gross for you."
"Maybe waking up with his face glued to the floor by crusted vomit will make an impression."