"Both."
"Ah, but which do you like best?"
To Michael the two words were like melodies which he had lately learned to play. Indeed, they seemed to him his own melodies never played before, and he was eager for Lily to p.r.o.nounce judgment.
"Why do you ask questions?" she wondered.
"Say "dearest" to me," Michael begged.
"No, no," she blushed against his heart.
"But say which you like best," he urged. "Darling or dearest?"
"Well, darling," she pouted.
"You"ve said it," cried Michael rapturously. "Now you can say it of your own accord. Oh, Lily, say it when you kiss me."
"But supposing I never kiss you ever again?" asked Lily, pulling away from his arms. "And besides we must go back."
"Well, we needn"t hurry."
"Not if you come at once," she agreed.
One more kiss, one more gliding dreaming walk, one more pause to bid the river farewell from the towering bridge, one more wrestle with the waterproof-rug, one more slow lingering and then suddenly swift escaping finger, one more wave of the m.u.f.f, one last aerial salutation, and she was gone till Wednesday.
Michael was left alone between the tall thin houses of Kensington, but beneath his feet he seemed to feel the world swing round through s.p.a.ce; and all the tall thin houses, all the fluted lamp-posts, all the cl.u.s.tering chimney-pots reeled about him in the ecstasy of his aroused existence.
Chapter XVII: Lily
When Michael came into the dining-room after he had left Lily, his mother said: "Dearest boy, what have you been doing? Your eyes are shining like stars."
Here was the opportunity to tell her about Lily, but Michael could not avail himself of it. These last two days seemed as yet too incomplete for revelation. Somehow he felt that he was creating a work of art, and that to tell his mother of conception or progress would be to spoil the perfection of his impulse. There was only one person on earth to whom he could confide this cataclysmic experience, and that was Alan. He and Alan had dreamed enough together in the past to make him unashamed to announce at last his foothold on reality. But supposing Alan were to laugh, as he had laughed over the absurdity of Kathleen? Such a reception of his news would ruin their friendship; and yet if their friendship could not endure the tale of true love, was it not already ruined? He must tell Alan, at whatever cost. And where should he tell him? Such a secret must not be lightly entrusted. Time and place must come harmoniously, befalling with that rare felicity which salutes the inevitable hours of a human life.
"Mother," said Michael, "would you mind if I stayed the night over at Richmond?"
"To-night?" Mrs. Fane echoed in astonishment.
"Well, perhaps not to-night," conceded Michael unwillingly. "But to-morrow night?"
"To-morrow night by all means," Mrs. Fane agreed.
"Nothing has happened?" she asked anxiously. "You seem so flushed and strange."
"I"m just the same as usual," Michael declared. "It"s hot in this room.
I think I"ll take a short walk."
"But you"ve been out all the afternoon," Mrs. Fane protested.
"Oh, well, I"ve nothing to do at home."
"You"re not feverish?"
"No, no, mother," Michael affirmed, disengaging his parched hand from her solicitous touch. "But you know I often feel restless."
She released him, tenderly smiling; and for one moment he nearly threw himself down beside her, covetous of childhood"s petting. But the impulse spent itself before he acted upon it, and soon he was wandering towards Trelawny Road. How empty the corner of it looked, how stark and melancholy soared the grey houses guarding its consecrated entrance, how solitary shone the lamp-posts, and how sadly echoed the footsteps of people going home. Yet only three hours ago they had met on this very flagstone that must almost have palpitated to the pressure of her shoes.
Michael walked on until he stood opposite her house. There was a light in the bay-window by the front door; perhaps she would come out to post a letter. O breathless thought! Surely he heard the sound of a turning handle. Ah, why had he not begged her to draw aside the blind at a fixed time that he could be cured of his longing by the vision of her darling form against the pane? How bitter was the irony of her sitting behind that brooding window-pane, unconscious of him. Two days must crawl past before she would meet him again, before he would touch her hand, look actually into her eyes, watch every quiver and curve of her mouth.
Places would be enriched with the sight of her, while he ached with the torment of love. School must drag through ten intolerable hours; he must chatter with people unaware of her; and she must live two days apart from his life, two days whose irresponsible minutes and loveless occupations made him burn with jealousy of time itself.
Suddenly the door of Lily"s house opened, and Michael felt the blood course through his body, flooding his heart, swaying his very soul.
There was a voice in the glimmering hall, but not her voice. Nor was it her form that hurried down the steps. It was only the infinitely fortunate maidservant whose progress to the letter-box he watched with a sickening disappointment. There went one who every day could see Lily.
Every morning she was privileged to wake her from her rose-fired sleep.
Every night she could gossip with her outside the magical door of her room. Lily must sometimes descend into the kitchen, and there they must talk. And yet the idiotic creature was staring curiously at some unutterably dull policeman, and wasting moments she did not appreciate.
Then a leaping thought came to Michael, that if she wasted enough time Lily might look round the front-door in search of her. But too soon for such an event the maidservant pattered back; the door slammed; and only the window-panes of dull gold brooded immutably. How long before Lily went up to bed? And did she sleep in a room that fronted the road?
Michael could bear it no longer and turned away from the exasperation of her withheld presence; and he made up his mind that he must know every detail of her daily life before he again came sighing ineffectively like this in the night-time.
Michael was vexed to find that he could not even conjure Lily to his side in sleep, but that even there he must be surrounded by the tiresome people of ordinary life. However, there was always a delicious moment, just before he lost complete consciousness, when the image of her dissolved and materialized elusively above the nebulous confines of semi-reality; while always at the very instant of awakening he was aware of her moth-winged kisses trembling upon the first liquid flash of daylight.
In the "quarter" Michael suggested to Alan that he should come back to Richmond with him, and when Alan looked a little astonished at this Monday night proposal, he explained that he had a lot to talk over.
"I nearly came over at nine o"clock last night," Michael announced.
Alan seemed to realize that it must indeed be something of importance and could scarcely wait for the time when they should be fast alone and primed for confidences.
After dinner Michael proposed a walk up Richmond Hill, and without any appearance of strategy managed to persuade Alan to rest awhile on one of the seats along the Terrace. In this late autumnal time there was no view of the Thames gleaming beneath the sorcery of a summer night. There was nothing now but a vast airiness of mist damascening the blades of light with which the street-lamps pierced the darkness.
"Pretty wet," said Alan distastefully patting the seat.
"We needn"t stay long, but it"s rather ripping, don"t you think?"
Michael urged. "Alan, do you remember once we sat here on a night before exams at the end of a summer term?"
"Yes, but it was a jolly sight warmer than it is now," said Alan.
"I know. We were in "whites,"" said Michael pensively. "Alan, I"m in love. I am really. You mustn"t laugh. I was a fool over that first girl, but now I am in love. Alan, she"s only seventeen, and she has hair the colour of that rather thick honey you get at chemists. Only it isn"t thick, but as foamy as a lemon-sponge. And her mouth is truly a bow and her voice is gloriously deep and exciting, and her eyes are the most extraordinary blue--as blue as ink in a bottle when you hold it up to the light--and her chin is in two pieces rather like yours, and her ankles--well--her ankles are absolutely divine. The extraordinary luck is that she loves me, and I want you to meet her. I"m describing her very accurately like this because I don"t want you to think I"m raving or quoting poetry. You see, you don"t appreciate poetry, or I could describe her much better."
"I do appreciate poetry," protested Alan.
"Oh, I know you like Kipling and Adam Lindsay Gordon, but I mean real poetry. Well, I"m not going to argue about that. But, Alan, you must be sympathetic and believe that I really am in love. She has a sister called Doris. I haven"t met her yet, but she"s sure to be lovely, and I think you ought to fall in love with her. Now wouldn"t that be splendid?
Alan, you do believe I"m in love this time?"
Michael paused anxiously.
"I suppose you must be," said Alan slowly.