Siren Song

Over the next few days Jian accompanied her in whatever she wanted to do, patiently biding his time .

The more time Chang had to think about it she only became more cemented in really did not want to leave with him to Shanghai . She feared that he did not take his own father seriously enough as a threat . Seeing his own adamance about the subject though, Chang could only swallow her words and hold onto the pit in her stomach .

The pit only seemed to harden and solidify with each pa.s.sing second becoming a deep ache inside . Guilt started to acc.u.mulate as well, gnawing at her from the inside, seeing how much extra he had to do for her .

All the phone calls he kept having to make or answer, trying to keep things together from afar . The time spent in front of a computer or borrowing her fax to ferry paperwork .

When she asked Jian about his work and if he was having difficulties, he would merely smile and tell her that it was nothing . Jian told her that he said he would make time for her and that was what he was doing .

On the second night after he brought up leaving, as she made them a simple noodle meal, she heard him speaking in a terse voice . Leaning against the back of the door to the kitchen she could hear him agitatedly speaking under his breath, trying to conceal his troubles . As she listened with her hand tightened around her spatula, feeling her stomach shrink .

"This is my fault . " Clutching onto the feeling Chang went back to making food for the two of them . They ended up being slightly overcooked due to her overweighed mind but he never seemed to mind like always .

"You know if you"re upset you can tell me, I"m sure it"s not always fine . . "

At night as she lay in his arms, Chang lay awake counting down the seconds in the darkness . She knew she would have to make a choice soon .

On one hand she could close her eyes, make the jump, and leave with him . But the fear of Shanghai with his father waiting in it, and the fear of being torn away forcefully were something she could not bear to go through .

On the other though there was a looming possibility that she would have to say goodbye, as he had to return and she could not leave with him to go there . Especially if she would just be torn from him in the end, it would be better to leave peacefully intact . At the thought of that though, her heart bled grievously .

Either choice ate away at her from the inside though and she cried a few silent, bitter tears in the night when Jian could not see .

He was insistent on leaving, saying that it would be safe . Chang knew living on opposite ends of the world separately would be no good for either of them . If he left and she did not go with him, it would be over .

After three days of their interim, Chang felt like the bubble growing inside had reached it"s max and she would soon burst or break down . Looking at him walking beside her in the park, seemingly at peace, Chang felt her steps slow then stop .

"I need to tell him I can"t go with him . He"s leaving and I can"t go with him . I"m only tying him down and hindering him . I can"t do this anymore, I can"t keep wasting his time . I know how important he is . If I truly love him I should set him free, and not make him sit in this place of wavering like I have .

"Plus I"m sure he"ll find someone else even better than me in every way . One without all the emotional baggage . Though as for me . . "

Thinking about it Chang felt hot tears slip out over her lower lids unbidden .

Sensing her stop, Jian turned and looked at her with a quizzical expression . As he stood a few paces Chang memorized every detail of the man she loved dearly .

With the sun shining through his hair, it picked up on the hints of gold and red here and there in his dark hair setting off his eyes . His beautiful deep amber eyes with those beautiful golden flecks she could have stared at every day .

"I should have . "

The beautiful tanned skin that seemed to glow with his inner warmth and fire . His strong square jaw with his long straight nose, his thick expressive brows . His full lips, almost always curved into a pleasant curve .

"I love kissing those lips . I love when he kisses me with those beautiful lips, he makes me feel so good . "

His tall broad-shouldered figure packed with muscles from years of being active . His strong yet gentle hands, that she had seen destroy someone with and yet could gently caress her .

"I love him so much . How can I leave him . If I didn"t die before when I lost my mom right after my dad, I know I would now . My heart can"t take much more . I"m weak so much weaker than I thought .

"What do I do Jian?"