Six One-Act Plays

Chapter 21

MISS BROWN--Can"t ye see where yer goin"?

BART--(_Fumbling in pocket._) Here. Sorry.

MISS BROWN--A dollar! Ye never can tell a millionaire by looks these days.

BART--(_Sinking into chair._) Am I doomed to blight everything I touch?

MISS BROWN--Are ye sick, mister? Can I help ye?

BART--Get out, get out, let me alone, and stop that machine!

MISS BROWN--(_Commiseratingly._) Poor fellow! (_Stops machine._) He"s got the w.i.l.l.i.e.s.

BART--Don"t talk to me, for Heaven"s sake; I can"t stand it!

MISS BROWN--(_Sarcastically._) Oh, I was just communin" with me other nuts.

(_She stoops to gather up the peanuts, but catches a glimpse of Bart"s side face, and sits on floor, looking at him intently._)

To think of that profile bein" wasted on a man! It"s terrible the way good looks is chucked around where they ain"t needed!

(_Boy enters with an armful of newspapers. King is close behind him.

Bart rushes to King, knocking against the Boy as he does so, and sending the papers flying._)

BOY--Ye big stiff, what ye doin"?

BART--King, I thought you"d never come!

BOY--Look at me papers, will ye?

BART--(_Impatiently._) Oh, shut up!

(_Boy, grumbling and muttering to himself, helps Miss Brown pick up the peanuts and papers._)

KING--(_With great displeasure._) This is a nice out of the way place to bring a man to. What"s wrong with you anyway? Drunk?

BART--(_Grimly._) I haven"t been sober for three days.

KING--Don"t boast about it.

BART--Boast, good heavens!

KING--What do you think a newspaper is, a day nursery? Here"s Billy Sunday in town, the war, the Mexican situation, everything at boiling point; the Gazette short of men, and you off on a three days" jag! I"ve a good mind to fire you.

BART--(_Miserably._) I"m up against it, King, don"t rub it in. I don"t know which way to turn.

BOY--(_To Miss Brown, as they seat themselves behind counter._) I wish those ginks would clear out, so we could trot again.

MISS BROWN--They"ll beat it to a free lunch counter soon.

(_She gets the Boy to hold a skein of worsted, which she unwinds and rolls into a ball. During the conversation between Bart and King, Miss Brown and the Boy now and then glance at them with a show of irritation, Miss Brown because they are not buying any of her wares, and also because she cannot hear enough of their talk to make sense of it._)

KING--What have you done, a second story job?

BART--(_With much humility, and some pride._) I"ve broken a girl"s heart.

KING--(_Utterly disgusted._) Oh, h.e.l.l!

BART--I tell you, I"ve broken a girl"s heart, and ruined her life.

KING--Rubbish! Sober up, and go back to work.

BART--I can"t. She has threatened to do something desperate. There will be a scandal.

KING--Forget it!

BART--I wish I could, but suppose she shoots herself, or takes poison?

KING--That sounds pleasant.

BART--I didn"t know she loved me, I protest I didn"t.

KING--Cut out the heroics.

BART--She"s mad about me, and I didn"t understand till too late.

KING--(_Firmly._) Too late! You scuttle back to town, get a license, and marry her.

BART--I came to the city to earn money to marry a girl back home, and I"ll marry her, or no one.

KING--Winning a girl"s love, and throwing her over, is cheap sport. I"m disappointed in you, Bart. I didn"t know you were that kind of a chap.

BART--I"m not that kind. It"s all a horrible mistake. She misunderstood my--my attentions. I was just nice and friendly to her, and she, well she--

KING--That"s right, put the blame on her.

BART--(_Hotly._) Well, I"m not going to blame myself. If women see fit to fall in love with me, it"s not my fault.

KING--You conceited pup!

BART--I don"t care. I"ve suffered enough these last three days, and I"ve just about gone to pieces. It"s not my fault, I don"t care what you say, it"s not my fault.

KING--Every cad says it"s not his fault.

MISS BROWN--(_To Boy._) What in the name of common sense are they ga.s.sin" about?

BOY--Aw, they"re holdin" hands, I guess.

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