She put her hand on my chest and pushed herself up, standing over me, looking down. I pushed myself back up onto my elbows. "Friends? Is that what we are? Really?"
She turned, collected her things from the ground and walked up the slope, shoulders square and head up. In a moment she had vanished around the corner of the low stone church. I shook my head, trying to clear it, wondering if the fall had knocked the wits out of me. None of this made any sense. I knew she was angry with me, but now I couldn"t figure out what I"d done wrong. I pushed myself to my feet and brushed the dry gra.s.s stalks from my clothes, finding myself largely unscathed, despite the bad landing. I stood up and looked around. I was in a graveyard behind a church, the ground sloping steeply down to a little stream hidden in the thickets at the bottom. The church was surrounded by ancient yew trees and it took me a moment to orientate myself. I struggled up the slope between the graves and found the gravel path around the church. I caught sight of her sitting on the wooden bench in the lych-gate. She was sat in the long shadow of the surrounding trees as if nothing had happened. I shook my head again, wondering whether anything had happened or whether I was suffering the after-effects of a b.u.mp on the head.
I walked down the path and through the gates to stand in front of her.
She looked at me, head on one side in that characteristic pose. She took in the dishevelled appearance, the bits of gra.s.s still caught in my hair. Deprived of sleep, chased, threatened and almost killed several times, I wasn"t sure I understood anything anymore. She got to her feet, shaking her head and chuckling to herself, and walked off down the lane. I trudged after her, more confused than ever. Had the fall addled my wits completely? Had she really kissed me or was I hallucinating? No, she had definitely kissed me. But then she stomped off in a huff and then laughed at me. She paused, waiting for me to catch up and then walked alongside me. I felt confused and resentful at being made fun of, but she didn"t say anything and after a while I subsided into a circular thought pattern leaving me no wiser.
We walked down a twisted lane, sunken between hedges as the light faded into twilight. There were glimpses of farmhouses and outbuildings through the hedge and the occasional distant tractor. A single car pa.s.sed us, slowing as it drew level and then accelerating away once it was past. We crossed a bridge over a brook and started the climb up the hill on the other side. Real blackbirds scolded their alarm at our pa.s.sing and there were occasional rustlings from the hedge beside the road that might, I suppose, have been a rabbit. She didn"t speak and I had no idea what to say, so I stayed silent, mulling over what had happened.
My relationships with women had always been fraught. Even my marriage to Katherine had been difficult. We had been brought together by friends who thought we were made for each other, and at first that had been true. We wined and dined, and went to the theatre and talked of culture and art and politics. We were affectionate and even pa.s.sionate. We stayed up late and spoke about history and philosophy and our jobs and even our friends, but never about us. Our relationship was something we never discussed. I liked her a lot, but in the end it had been she who had seduced me. It was she who pushed our relationship from an intellectual exchange to a physical consummation.
Quite suddenly the relationship changed. I found the physical aspect of our relationship overwhelming. I was obsessed with her. I couldn"t wait to see her and be with her. But she wanted something beyond the moment, beyond the enjoyment of each other.
We broke up on a Friday. I was looking forward to a weekend of Katherine. I thought everything was fine until she called me and told me it was over. When I asked her why, she told me she wanted more than just s.e.x and when I said that I thought we had more than s.e.x, she laughed and said that was the problem. I told her I didn"t understand and she told me she thought that was true.
That was why I asked her to marry me. Not immediately, not then, but later. I found I couldn"t bear the thought of living day to day without her. It wasn"t until much later that I realised I couldn"t live with her constant suspicion and innate mistrust. By then we had Alex, and everything had changed.
"You"re quiet." Blackbird brought me back to the present.
"Hmmm?"
"We"ve walked about two miles and you haven"t said a word."
"I was thinking."
"What about?"
"Nothing."
"Two miles of nothing?"
"Old stuff, stuff that"s gone; things long pa.s.sed."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No. It"s history."
We walked on, rounding a bend and walking past a farmyard where a tractor was left running unattended, the driver presumably engaged in one of the buildings. "Blackbird, why aren"t we friends?"
"Aren"t we?" She looked sideways at me. "I thought we were."
"But you said-"
"Back there? I don"t know if we were friends then, but we are now, if you want to be."
"Would you do something, for me?" I asked her. "What"s that? "
"Stick with me, stay friends with me."
I waited while she considered my request. She didn"t just say "OK", and I valued that. She treated my proposal seriously. Friendship wasn"t something I offered lightly or trivially. It was a commitment to a way of being. It cheered me that she considered it carefully. She skipped forward and turned in front of me, leaving me no choice but to stop or step around her. I stopped and she rested her hands on my chest. "Do you know what you"re asking?"
"Yes. No. Is it so terrible to be my friend? Does it mean something else to the Feyre?"
"No, it"s not terrible and friendship amongst the Feyre has all the usual connotations. But do you know what it means when a guy says to a girl, let"s just be friends? "
"Oh, I see. I didn"t mean that. I meant be my friend as well, alongside anything else you can be, that you want to be."
"And what do you want, Niall?" Her eyes were sharp and focused.
"Honestly? Right now I want a good night"s sleep somewhere where no one is trying to kill me and the comfort of knowing I have a friend in the world. Beyond that, I am prepared to see what tomorrow brings. "
"A true answer and a fair one." She turned and continued walking, leaving me once more to catch up. "So is that a yes, or a no?" I asked her.
She looked back over her shoulder. "It"s not a no." I caught up with her and settled back into her gentle pace.
"It wasn"t exactly a yes, either," I pointed out. "No, it wasn"t, was it?"
And I had to settle for that. I figured that I had offended her earlier when she thought I was rejecting her attentions. Now she was more reserved. "As your friend, Niall... "
"Yes."
"Would you confide in me? Would you tell me your secrets?"
"As your friend, I might, a.s.suming I had any secrets. "
"Hmm. So if you liked someone, would it be a secret? "
"Not a secret exactly, but it might be difficult to talk about. "
"Why would that be?"
"She might be very complicated. I might not know where I was with her, even if I did like her quite a lot actually."
"She might be older than you?"
"She might, but that wouldn"t necessarily be a problem. "
"Then why would she be complicated?"